Title: Those Wacky Alien Ceremonies….

Author: Chezza

E-mail: cyberchezza@tiscali.co.uk

Status: Complete

Sequel/Series: N/A

Summary: Exactly like the title says….

Season: Oh, seven or eight I guess shrugs

Spoilers: Brief one for 'Entity'.

Category: Humour/Fluff. Oh and a teeny bit of angst thrown in for good measure.

Characters: Jack O'Neill. Sam Carter. Daniel Jackson. Teal'c.

Pairing: S/J

Rating: PG13 for language

Warnings: It's another Chezza special and most of it is from Jack's POV, so yep, you guessed it

– language!

File Size: ?

Archive: Jackfic, Carterfic, Helio, Fanfiction.net, Gateworld, SJD, my site….. If anyone else

wants it, just lemme know where you're taking it, so I can come visit.

Disclaimer: Ain't mine! Surprise…. Stargate and it's characters etc, belong to all those folks who

actually make *money* out of them. Any original stuff in there is mine. Tho' sadly, it's unlikely to

ever bring me any cash….

Authors Notes: As always, thanks go to dragonlady for the beta. Flames will be used to light

Teal'c's candles not like *that*! Get your mind outta the gutter, f'cryin' out loud! but

constructive feedback (and criticism) is always gratefully received. Enjoy!

© Copyright Chezza 2003.

~~~o0o~~~

Colonel Jack O'Neill stepped through the open wormhole and expelled the breath he'd taken a

million or more miles away on Earth. He always liked to take a deep breath and hold it, before

stepping into the wormhole. There was no need for it, as Carter had pointed out when Daniel had

noticed his habit, but still…it just felt *right* somehow. Probably because it resembled the

surface of a swimming pool so much and you always held your breath before diving into a pool.

For obvious reasons.

His P90 at the ready, he took a good look around them. 'Ooo, a welcoming party. How…nice.' Good

of the MALP to give them advance warning…not.

He heard the noises behind him of the rest of his team emerging through the 'Gate. The

wormhole shut off with a loud snap. He didn't turn round, keeping his attention on the group of

people in front of him.

"Daniel, you're up." He said calmly.

"Wha-?" Came the question from behind him, followed by:

"Oh, yes, right. Ahem," as their assigned meeter and greeter finally spotted the people waiting

in front of them.

Daniel quickly jogged down the steps and walked over to the waiting group. Jack went with him,

casting a quick glance at the DHD as they passed – seemed okay. He signalled Carter and Teal'c

to flank them on either side. The people hadn't made a move since they arrived, but there was

no point taking chances.

"Hello!" Daniel said brightly.

"We're peaceful explorers from a planet called Earth. Um…I'm Doctor Daniel Jackson, this is

Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Sam Carter and Teal'c."

As one, the group's eyes moved over to the tall Jaffa and immediately they all began whispering

excitedly to one another. The men on the outside of the small group tightened their grasp on

the spear-like weapons they were holding.

Jack noticed and rolled his eyes in frustration. Oy. Here they went again…. Just for once it

would be *nice* to visit a planet and not have Teal'c's presence greeted by

shock/surprise/terror/waving of weapons – pick any of the above. It was unlikely to ever

happen, but it would be nice.

"Relax folks," he drawled. "He's one of the good guys. Tell 'em Teal'c."

Teal'c inclined his head. "I have indeed renounced the false gods known as the Goa'uld. I now

serve the Tau'ri in their fight against the Goa'uld."

"There ya go, see? Nuthin' to be worried about, just your friendly neighbourhood Jaffa." Jack

said, waving his hand at the large man.

The whispering intensified. The natives shot looks in their direction as if trying to decide what

to do with them. There was much waving of arms and gesticulating.

"Uh, Daniel?" Jack asked, tightening his grip on his P90. It was an automatic gesture, but it

made him feel slightly better. Their behaviour was making him jumpy.

"It's okay, Jack." Daniel said. "I think…"

Jack gave him a sharp look. "Ya *think*?"

"Well – "

Whatever he'd been about to say, tailed off as a woman stepped forward from the group. To

Jack's trained eye she looked to be in her early to mid fifties. She had long black hair shot

through with silver, which fell in a braid draped over her shoulder. She was wearing a flowing

white robe that contrasted dramatically with her hair.

'That must be a bugger to keep clean' was the thought that ran fleetingly through Jack's head.

The woman stared straight at him, smiled and inclined her head slightly, as if acknowledging his

thought.

'Huh? Okay, so *that* was odd…'

The rest of the people had stilled and were watching with interest. The woman raised her left

hand and made a beckoning motion towards Sam.

Sam looked at Jack. "Uh, sir?"

Jack looked at Daniel. "Daniel?"

"Um, could be that their society is matriarchal…you should be okay Sam, they haven't made any

threatening moves so far."

'So *far*? Gee that makes me feel *much* better Daniel, thanks.' Sam thought sarcastically.

The woman's lips twitched in a small smile and she beckoned again.

Jack sighed. Looked like they were at an impasse. 'Oh well…'

"Go ahead, Carter." He decided, waving her forward. "We've got your six."

Sam gave a heavy sigh of her own and stepped forward. 'Why was it always *her* just recently?'

She stopped a few feet from the woman.

"Hi." She said with a smile, trying to appear non-threatening, despite the fact that she was still

clutching her P90. There was no way in Hell she was letting it go. Not until she knew *exactly*

what was going on.

The woman stayed silent, just looking at her.

'Okay…'

Sam stayed silent too.

After a couple of minutes, the woman still hadn't moved. She simply stood there, staring at

Carter.

Jack was starting to get a bad feeling about all of this. He cocked his head on one side and took

a closer look at the two women. Both were standing incredibly still, almost statue-like. If he

didn't know any better, he'd say they were in a trance of some kind. He shifted his feet.

"Uh, Daniel…" He hissed.

"It's okay, Jack." Daniel said. "I think – I think it's a ritual of some kind. Probably a greeting

ceremony."

"What? To see who can out-stare whom?" Jack asked sarcastically.

Daniel shot him a sideways look. "Well…maybe, I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"Of course not! How could I? We've never been here before!"

Jack made up his mind. He'd had enough of this.

"Alright. That's it."

He took a step forward, intending to break up this 'staring competition'. He didn't care who won.

Daniel grabbed his arm.

"Wait!" He hissed. "For all we know, it could be taken as an offence if we interfere!"

Jack tugged his arm free and glared at Daniel. The woman moved. She reached out her hand

towards Carter's forehead. Sam made no move to pull away.

"Carter!" Jack yelled, hoping to snap her out of it. He was totally convinced she was in some kind

of trance now. There was no response.

'Dammit!' He hated when he was right about things like this….

The woman's hand touched her forehead and a beam of white light shot out from a bracelet

around the woman's wrist, that had been hidden by the sleeve of her robes. It enveloped Carter.

She still didn't move.

"Hey!" Jack yelled and made to move forward as did Daniel and Teal'c.

The woman removed her hand from Carter's forehead and waved it towards the three men. The

light washed over them, then died away.

Jack took a step forward. Except that he didn't actually move.

'What the Hell?!!'

Jack quickly clamped down on the feeling of panic that was beginning to make itself felt. This

was *not* the time to lose it.

He struggled to walk forward, concentrating on moving his muscles. It had no effect. He couldn't

move any part of his body, except for his eyes. A sick thread of fear ran through his stomach

and he closed his eyes briefly in an effort to regain his composure.

'God, this must be what it feels like to be paralysed from the neck down…'

'Not quite,' his inner voice of reason argued. 'You're still breathing.'

Jack blinked as he realised it was true. All his *automatic* movements were still happening. He

was breathing, his heart was beating, he was still alive and had the ability to move his eyes, he

just…couldn't scratch that damn itch that had appeared out of nowhere on the end of his nose.

He cast a quick glance sideways at Danny and Teal'c. The archaeologist was looked back at him

with something near to panic in his eyes and Teal'c looked as - perturbed - as Jack had ever seen

him. Jack ignored his own misgivings and tried to project a sense of calm. He wasn't sure if it

had worked, but Daniel looked a little less strained around the eyes.

There was movement in front of them. Jack cursed himself for becoming so preoccupied with

his own condition that he'd lost track of the enemy and jerked his eyes back to the front. The

woman stepped to one side and motioned Carter forward.

'*Now* what?!' Jack thought peevishly, as Carter obeyed the woman's command and walked

forward. Her eyes were glazed over, but her movements were confident. She stopped about six

feet from them and stared – unseeing – straight at them. It was…un-nerving to say the least.

The wit and intelligence that normally sparkled behind her eyes was dulled. It reminded Jack

uncomfortably of the time that damned Entity thing had taken her over. If he'd been able to

shiver, he would have done.

The woman walked up to Carter, Jack glared at her. Yeah okay, so under the circumstances, it

was a completely pointless act of defiance, but darn it – it made him feel better. She ignored

him and placing her hand on Carter's arm, leant up to whisper in Carter's ear. Carter relaxed.

The woman gave her arm a final squeeze and stepped back.

Jack felt the thread of fear in his stomach return as he realised Carter was still clutching her

P90.

'Oh God'.

What if the woman wanted her to kill them? Would she do it? She seemed to be under the

woman's spell – so to speak - but would she be able to kill them? Would *she* be able to kill

*him*? God he hoped not….and what would it do to her if she did?

'Come on Carter!' He pleaded with his eyes, staring straight at her and begging her to

understand.

'Snap out of it! This isn't you!'

She looked up at him and he saw a flicker of shock and confusion in her eyes. Suddenly he

wanted to close his. Call it selfish, but he didn't want his last memory of Carter to be one of her

killing him. She stepped forward, looking straight at him.

'God, here it comes…'

He met her eyes once more. 'Whatever happens here Sam, I forgive you.'

A frown appeared on her face and her grip relaxed around the weapon. She stepped away. If

he'd been able to move, he'd have been weak-kneed with relief. Jack hated being helpless,

especially in the face of his own death and that of the folk close to him. And you didn't get much

more helpless than being unable to move your limbs. He couldn't even clench his fists in

frustration.

She turned away and walked over to Teal'c.

'Look out T!' Jack screamed silently.

'She's gonna…''

Jack blinked.

' - kiss you on the forehead?'

He watched as Sam placed her hand on Teal'c's shoulder and stretched up slightly to plant a

gentle kiss on top of his gold-engraved tattoo.

'Okaaay….' He hadn't seen *that* one coming.

She stepped back and Jack met Teal'c's eyes. The big Jaffa looked, well… *startled* was a good

description. She moved in front of Daniel and Jack got just a glimpse of the slightly panicked

expression in the younger man's eyes, before she reached up and kissed him on the cheek. Jack

couldn't restrain the flash of jealousy that shot through him at the sight and rolled his eyes at

his own behaviour.

'For cryin' out loud O'Neill, get a goddamn grip! It was a peck on the cheek! And it's not like she's

even yours anyway…

Sam stepped back and Jack looked straight at Daniel, who flushed scarlet from his neck to his

hairline.

'Wow.' He'd never seen the Space-monkey do *that* before….

Then he promptly forgot all about Daniel, as Carter turned towards him. The look in her eyes

made him nervous. Teal'c got a kiss on the forehead, Daniel got a peck on the cheek…what about

him? A sudden vision popped into his head and he swallowed – 'Hah! He could still do *that* as

well!' – and closed his eyes.

'Don't *even* go there Jack. Not now. Not *ever*…'

He squeezed his eyes tighter shut as he heard her footsteps come to a stop in front of him. He

could hear her breathing very close to him and he just knew if he opened his eyes, he would see

her face inches from his own.

'He was not going to look…he was not going to look…there was no way in Hell he was gonna open

his eyes and – '

'Ngh.'

Jack's higher brain functions briefly shut down as Sam leaned forward and pressed her lips

firmly against his own.

Then they kicked back in again as the part of him that held some pretty unprofessional feelings

towards his 2IC, started dancing around in glee. Metaphorically speaking of course.

*Oh God*. She was *kissing* him. Properly. Full. On. The. Mouth. *Sam Carter* was *kissing

him*. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

She nipped gently at his lower lip and Jack had neither an outlet for the whimper that rose up

the back of his throat, or any way to stop his blood from rushing southwards, like it had

suddenly decided to do.

'God'. He wanted to pull her to him, press his lips back to hers and *never* stop…but he couldn't

damn well move! Geez, talk about sexual frustration….

Suddenly the feeling of being paralysed was gone and he instinctively moved his lips against the

soft ones currently pressing against his mouth.

'Mmm, much better.'

Before he had chance to register anything beyond that, there was a sharp intake of breath and

the pressure was gone. Feeling suddenly bereft, he opened his eyes and saw Carter stood in

front of him, staring at him with a look of shock in her eyes. Her hand flew up to touch her

mouth, then her eyes rolled back in her head and she passed out.

'Okay, not *quite* the reaction he was hoping for…'

Stepping forward quickly, he grabbed her as she started to fall and eased her gently on to the

ground. He quickly checked for signs of circulation. Her pulse was there. Slightly fast, but

strong and her breathing was evening out. Unlike his own. He felt Daniel and Teal'c come to

stand behind him.

Ignoring them for the moment he rolled her over and placed her in the recovery position. He ran

a hand over her hair, tucking a strand behind her ear and tried to calm himself down, his mind

still reeling from what had just happened.

The sudden adrenaline rush when Carter had fallen and he'd had to catch her had left him shaky

and that was without mentioning his current uh – happy – state that was still making itself felt.

He needed to crawl away to a quiet place for a few minutes and regain his composure.

Unfortunately, he didn't think he was gonna get that opportunity any time soon. Confusion,

anger, shock, hunger - not of the food kind – and relief all warred within him for the status of

top billing, as he tried desperately to focus.

"Do not worry yourself, Jack." A soft voice said from the side of him. "Samantha will be fine.

She simply requires rest to recover from the Kata-shala."

The anger won out.

Jack's fist clenched as he took a deep breath. 'He would not lose it…he would not lose it…he

would not – ah, screw it.'

He stood up and raised his head to look the woman who was responsible for all of this straight in

the eye. To her credit she didn't flinch.

"First of all," He started, his voice as cold as the look in his eyes, "she prefers Sam, *not*

Samantha. Secondly, until you earn the *right* to call her Sam, or myself Jack, it's Major

Carter and Colonel O'Neill to you and thirdly – " his voice rose as his temper slipped it's leash,

"what the Hell are you people on?!! I mean kissing?!! Why the Hell – "

"JACK!" Daniel yelled, interrupting his tirade before he built up a full head of steam. The woman

shot him a grateful look.

Jack whipped round to stare at him.

"WHAT?"

Daniel held his ground, which would have worked better if what he was about to say hadn't gone

straight out of his head. "Umm…"

Jack's eyes narrowed.

"Perhaps we should listen to what she has to say, O'Neill." Teal'c interjected smoothly.

"Yes, that's it exactly." Daniel nodded vigorously. "Precisely what I was going to say."

Jack stared at them for a moment, then his shoulders slumped slightly as he conceded defeat.

'He was getting too old for this…'

"Fine."

He turned back to the woman. "So talk."

The woman inclined her head. "I am Kina, High Priestess of the Roshi. Please forgive us if we

have offended you in any way."

'Offended us? No, how could you possibly have offended us…' Jack thought sarcastically.

The woman gave him a sharp look and continued. "All visitors to Verassa must undergo the Kata-

shala, to prove their worth."

"Kata-shala?" Daniel asked. "Is that what just – uh - happened?"

Kina nodded. "Yes. The ceremony proves whether our visitors are worthy of the Roshi's

friendship - or not."

Jack nodded sagely. "Ri-ight. And getting Carter to kiss us, proves this *how* exactly?"

Kina sighed. If Daniel didn't know better, he would have said it sounded exasperated.

"A member of the visitors is made to show their true feelings towards their colleagues. The

Kiyala stone ensures that it is their true feelings that are laid bare, so there is no duplicity. If

the true feelings shown are ones of hatred or fear, we know our visitors are not to be trusted."

She smiled. "You should be pleased, Colonel O'Neill. Major Carter's reactions to you all, prove

that you are truly worthy to be friends of the Roshi."

"Yeah, I'm flattered." Jack said shortly.

Daniel shot him a look.

"No really I am. What's with the kissing thing though? I still don't get that."

"Our society prefers actions to words, Colonel O'Neill." Kina explained patiently. "Therefore the

ceremony requires the 'showing' to take the form of physical action of some kind. The actual

action depends on the strength of the feeling."

Daniel cast a sly glance at Jack. His friend was resolutely not looking at any of them. Hmm, this

could have it's possibilities….

"So, the way that Sam kissed us indicates how she really feels about us?"

Daniel saw Jack shift uncomfortably. Kina's eyes glinted, as if she realised where he was going

with this.

"Yes," she replied. "It's really quite fascinating. Amongst the Roshi, a kiss is a way of expressing

some of the strongest positive emotions we have. And the different forms of a kiss show the

different forms of the emotion."

"Really?" Daniel asked. 'Was it him or was Jack blushing?'

"Oh yes." Kina carried on, getting into the game. "For example, a kiss on the forehead, like Major

Carter gave your friend Teal'c shows respect. A kiss on the cheek like she gave to you Daniel

Jackson, shows much affection. Whilst a kiss on the lips – "

"*Alright*," Jack cut in swiftly. "I think we get the idea, Kina."

Daniel and Kina grinned.

"Whatever you say, Jack." Daniel said.

Teal'c tilted his head to one side. "I do believe you are blushing, O'Neill."

"What?! Teal'c! I – "

Whatever he was about to say was cut off by a low groan from near his feet. All of them looked

down.

"So Kina…" Daniel said slowly, broaching the most important subject of all. "How much of this is

Sam going to remember?"

~~~End~~~