The original plan had been to put Severus' guests on the right side of the
church, and Harry's on the left. However, they nixed this plan on the day
of the wedding when they realized Severus had about ten and Harry had about
eighty or so. Then Sybil got up and moved to the other side of the church
to sit by Lavender and Severus was down to nine.
Harry, spotting the problem as he came to talk with Hermione, instructed the ushers (Neville, Seamus, and Dean) to balance it out a bit.
Hermione looked completely flustered. She had planned a great deal of the ceremony, preferring to dwell on the robes and invitations rather than the particular couple.
"Harry! I have no idea where Albus is! And the room we booked to have the reception in is the same one that a muggle family booked for their wake! There is a DEAD BODY lying on the table next to the Severus' groom cake!" Hermione ranted, her hair falling out of the elegant bun in agitated wisps. Harry stared at her blankly for a moment before he chuckled, placing his hands calmly on her shoulders to prevent her from exploding in a million different directions.
"Calm down, Hermione. If worse comes to worse, be comforted by the fact that nobody will be very surprised that we decorated Severus' cake with a dead body. Put him in some Gryffindor robes and he'll fit right in." Hermione went crimson red and stalked off.
"That was NOT funny, Harry James Potter!" She shouted over her back, no doubt going to deal with the church officials that had bungled the rooming assignments. Feeling confident she would solve the problem, Harry went back to focusing on his anticipation as he paced in the back of the church.
Meanwhile, Albus was hung up in the Leaky Cauldron, where all the wizard guests that did not prefer to drive were using port keys to get to the church. Who was detaining him?
Why, a quick thinking Godfather of course. And while Sirius chatted up Albus, a wizard that Sirius had paid twenty sickles was switching the port key to transport Albus to the wrong church. When Sirius saw the wizard slip out of the carefully guarded room (they wanted to keep the press out) he led Albus by the elbow into the room, smiling and pretending he was bursting with happiness for his Godson.
"Well, I love Harry, and if this makes him happy, then it makes me happy too." He said while he activated a port key and handed it to the ornately dressed wizard.
"That's very mature of you, Sirius. I'm proud of you." Albus said, his voice filled with fatherly pride at Sirius' good mood. "Aren't you coming along?" He asked before the port key activated.
"I'm staying here until all the guests arrive." Sirius lied, waving politely at Albus disappeared. He rolled his eyes and picked up the properly set port key.
"Sucker." He exclaimed while activating the port key that would take him back to the wedding.
Meanwhile, Remus was looking for his lover. A quiet, unobtrusive Sirius was a Sirius that was shot with a tranquilizer. Worrying that his boyfriend had finally passed out from sheer horror, he began asking around.
Sirius quickly put the rest of his plans into motion. He knew all about the mix up in the rooms (a surprise blessing that was just what he needed). He found the workers that had been called to move the casket out of the reception room. As he was dressed in black, the workers didn't doubt his word when he said he was one of the deceased man's relatives.
"We've already had the wake, he's supposed to be taken to the main chapel for the ceremony. Don't bring him in for at least another hour though, they're still setting up the room." He informed in a somber, informed tone. The workers thanked him for making sure they knew what was going on, as no one else seemed to care to tell them. Sirius nodded and looked at the body. He wiped a fake tear from his eye and sniffled for the full affect. It was a shame though, he would have made an excellent centerpiece for Severus' table.
Just as the workers left with the body, Hermione burst in. She looked around, seeing the absence of the body with great relief. Her look immediately became suspicious as she recognized Sirius lingering in the back of the reception room.
"Sirius!" She intoned shrilly. "You're supposed to be in the chapel! What are you up to? And where's the corpse?" She asked suspiciously. Sirius glared, knowing just what to say.
"They took the corpse to the right room. Remus sent me to find his camera. He said he left it in here when he came in earlier to see the decorations. I told him I'd come get it as long as he promised that Snape didn't show up in any of the pictures." Sirius trailed off, inwardly pleased when Hermione had believed his story and nodded at him absently.
"Well, after you take him his camera, you better get to the chapel or else I'm going to see to it you have to sit on Severus' side." She threatened, knowing that Sirius would cause mischief if he was left on his own without supervision.
Ron found the alcohol easy enough and began to drink behind the happy couple's magical limousine. The fluttering condoms seemed to compliment the mood he was in, though he had no idea why. By the time Draco ambled out into the parking lot, after being kicked out of Severus' dressing room by an agitated church worker, Ron was thoroughly drunk and currently amusing himself by blowing up the condoms like balloons.
As though it were completely normal, Draco joined Ron on the asphalt parking lot and began making a few condom balloon animals of his own.
But, as everyone knows, blowing up condom balloons is one of the quickest ways to become horny out of your mind. Too busy to worry about consequences in their inebriated state, Draco and Ron made use of the back seat of the limousine.
Well, they made use of it until Ron couldn't figure out how to untie the knot in the condom that held the air in. Draco wanted to tell the moron to just get one that they hadn't blown up with air, but Ron would hear none of it and was adamant that they wouldn't go any further until they'd undone the knot in the condom.
After thirty seconds of drunken attempts to untie the condom balloon, Ron finally said, "What the hell," and pounced on Draco like a starved man would a leg of chicken.
They didn't use protection, which was entirely too bad because male pregnancy among two pureblooded wizards wasn't too uncommon.
Nine months later, when Draco had swollen ankles and a set of twins on the way, he would curse Severus and Harry for having their damned wedding. Ron would laugh at him, and lovingly ruffle his mused blonde hair, commenting that he was beautiful when he was pregnant, even more so because it wasn't Ron himself that was packing the little bundles of joy.
But that was nine months later, and a completely different story.
Harry stood in the back of the chapel finally beginning to get a bit worried. Albus hadn't shown up, and they were already running almost an hour late. Hermione was shedding in human form, a nasty trait she'd picked up ever since she became a cat animagi in their seventh year. Sirius was acting moody and angry as he sat with Remus in the front row, not giving anyone any reason to question him about Albus' lateness. Inwardly, he was chuckling maniacally. He wasn't a Marauder for nothing.
Severus, meanwhile, realized that both best men were nowhere to be found. He mentioned it to Remus, who told Minerva, who alerted Filius, who kindly offered to go find them.
Poor little guy would never be the same after that.
Finally, after the instrumentalists said they had to leave shortly, Hermione swept to the front of the church, strands of her hair drifting off behind her.
"Albus is obviously not going to make it on time. Is there anyone else here who is authorized to perform the ceremony?!" She half shouted, looking quite deranged.
To everyone's horror, Sybil Trewlaney stood up with a dramatic swirl of her fuchsia robes.
"My dear girl, I thought you'd never ask! I predicted my talents would be necessary." She trailed off in her smoky voice. Before Hermione could protest, she was up at the front of the chapel shoving Hermione onto the bench.
Just then, Filius scooted back into the church with a beet red face and two very drunk best men behind him. At the sight of them, Severus lost the unnatural feeling of happiness that had engulfed him since the start of his wedding day. Sweeping down the aisle like the famous overgrown bat out of hell, he quite nearly lifted both men by the backs of their robes and dragged them down the aisle. Remus jumped up to help Severus get them standing, and eventually they had to prop Draco up with the alter. Ron was grinning from ear to ear, and eventually someone on the front row pointed out to him that his pants were unzipped. Ron only drew attention to it by fumbling with his zipper for a few minuets and letting out a long stream of curses before loudly declaring it impossible. Mr. Weasley, red to the roots of his hair, furiously waved his wand and fixed Ron's problem.
Not willing to wait for any more disasters, Harry nodded to the orchestra ensemble and walked determinedly down the aisle. He was going to be happy at his wedding no matter WHAT happened.
Ron waved energetically to him and shouted at him,
"Harry! Old chum, old buddy, old friend .um. old chum again. Come on down! We're all down here! Quit spinning around like that!" Harry only made his fake smile wider and kept walking determinedly. He locked eyes with Severus and refused to look anywhere else.
From the back of the church, Hagrid began to sob. Loudly. He completely drowned out the music. He drowned out Sybil, but, as Minerva commented later, that probably wasn't such a bad thing. Nevertheless, Arabella Figg hastily sent a silencing charm his way.
"FRIENDS!" Sybil began with a loud, dramatic beginning. "We have gathered, as I have predicted, to join Seamore and ."
"Severus! My name's Severus!" the agitated groom hissed at her. The woman turned her buggy eyes on him, blinked owlishly, and then returned to her speech.
".To join Simon and Harry in what I have already predicted will be a short and grim marriage. I consulted my inner eye this morning, and there can be no mistake that Harry will most certainly die, and Sergio will sadly be eaten by the Giant Squid. Therefore, this marriage is to death! DEATH I SAY!"
As if on cue, the church workers slowly brought in the corpse.
"Oh for the love of Lockhart!" Severus exclaimed exasperated, dropping Harry's hands and collapsing into a nearby pew with his hands massaging his temples.
Draco slid off the alter and would have hit the floor, but Harry quickly caught him and prevented the fall. Trewlaney saw the corspe, and saw Harry catch Draco, and went off on a tangent.
"It is as the inner eye has revealed! Death and disloyalty even now! Look upon your bride, Samuel! He is already in the arms of another man!"
"SEVERUS, WOMAN! Merlin's BALLS, my name is SEVERUS!!!!"
A/N: Sorry it took so long guys, but it's hard to write humor. You can expect two more chapters to this before it's done, and hopefully they won't be as late as this one! Thanks to all who reviewed!
(shameless plug)
Go read my new McGonagall/Hooch fic! If you don't mind the lesbian pairing, you'll like it, I promise!
Harry, spotting the problem as he came to talk with Hermione, instructed the ushers (Neville, Seamus, and Dean) to balance it out a bit.
Hermione looked completely flustered. She had planned a great deal of the ceremony, preferring to dwell on the robes and invitations rather than the particular couple.
"Harry! I have no idea where Albus is! And the room we booked to have the reception in is the same one that a muggle family booked for their wake! There is a DEAD BODY lying on the table next to the Severus' groom cake!" Hermione ranted, her hair falling out of the elegant bun in agitated wisps. Harry stared at her blankly for a moment before he chuckled, placing his hands calmly on her shoulders to prevent her from exploding in a million different directions.
"Calm down, Hermione. If worse comes to worse, be comforted by the fact that nobody will be very surprised that we decorated Severus' cake with a dead body. Put him in some Gryffindor robes and he'll fit right in." Hermione went crimson red and stalked off.
"That was NOT funny, Harry James Potter!" She shouted over her back, no doubt going to deal with the church officials that had bungled the rooming assignments. Feeling confident she would solve the problem, Harry went back to focusing on his anticipation as he paced in the back of the church.
Meanwhile, Albus was hung up in the Leaky Cauldron, where all the wizard guests that did not prefer to drive were using port keys to get to the church. Who was detaining him?
Why, a quick thinking Godfather of course. And while Sirius chatted up Albus, a wizard that Sirius had paid twenty sickles was switching the port key to transport Albus to the wrong church. When Sirius saw the wizard slip out of the carefully guarded room (they wanted to keep the press out) he led Albus by the elbow into the room, smiling and pretending he was bursting with happiness for his Godson.
"Well, I love Harry, and if this makes him happy, then it makes me happy too." He said while he activated a port key and handed it to the ornately dressed wizard.
"That's very mature of you, Sirius. I'm proud of you." Albus said, his voice filled with fatherly pride at Sirius' good mood. "Aren't you coming along?" He asked before the port key activated.
"I'm staying here until all the guests arrive." Sirius lied, waving politely at Albus disappeared. He rolled his eyes and picked up the properly set port key.
"Sucker." He exclaimed while activating the port key that would take him back to the wedding.
Meanwhile, Remus was looking for his lover. A quiet, unobtrusive Sirius was a Sirius that was shot with a tranquilizer. Worrying that his boyfriend had finally passed out from sheer horror, he began asking around.
Sirius quickly put the rest of his plans into motion. He knew all about the mix up in the rooms (a surprise blessing that was just what he needed). He found the workers that had been called to move the casket out of the reception room. As he was dressed in black, the workers didn't doubt his word when he said he was one of the deceased man's relatives.
"We've already had the wake, he's supposed to be taken to the main chapel for the ceremony. Don't bring him in for at least another hour though, they're still setting up the room." He informed in a somber, informed tone. The workers thanked him for making sure they knew what was going on, as no one else seemed to care to tell them. Sirius nodded and looked at the body. He wiped a fake tear from his eye and sniffled for the full affect. It was a shame though, he would have made an excellent centerpiece for Severus' table.
Just as the workers left with the body, Hermione burst in. She looked around, seeing the absence of the body with great relief. Her look immediately became suspicious as she recognized Sirius lingering in the back of the reception room.
"Sirius!" She intoned shrilly. "You're supposed to be in the chapel! What are you up to? And where's the corpse?" She asked suspiciously. Sirius glared, knowing just what to say.
"They took the corpse to the right room. Remus sent me to find his camera. He said he left it in here when he came in earlier to see the decorations. I told him I'd come get it as long as he promised that Snape didn't show up in any of the pictures." Sirius trailed off, inwardly pleased when Hermione had believed his story and nodded at him absently.
"Well, after you take him his camera, you better get to the chapel or else I'm going to see to it you have to sit on Severus' side." She threatened, knowing that Sirius would cause mischief if he was left on his own without supervision.
Ron found the alcohol easy enough and began to drink behind the happy couple's magical limousine. The fluttering condoms seemed to compliment the mood he was in, though he had no idea why. By the time Draco ambled out into the parking lot, after being kicked out of Severus' dressing room by an agitated church worker, Ron was thoroughly drunk and currently amusing himself by blowing up the condoms like balloons.
As though it were completely normal, Draco joined Ron on the asphalt parking lot and began making a few condom balloon animals of his own.
But, as everyone knows, blowing up condom balloons is one of the quickest ways to become horny out of your mind. Too busy to worry about consequences in their inebriated state, Draco and Ron made use of the back seat of the limousine.
Well, they made use of it until Ron couldn't figure out how to untie the knot in the condom that held the air in. Draco wanted to tell the moron to just get one that they hadn't blown up with air, but Ron would hear none of it and was adamant that they wouldn't go any further until they'd undone the knot in the condom.
After thirty seconds of drunken attempts to untie the condom balloon, Ron finally said, "What the hell," and pounced on Draco like a starved man would a leg of chicken.
They didn't use protection, which was entirely too bad because male pregnancy among two pureblooded wizards wasn't too uncommon.
Nine months later, when Draco had swollen ankles and a set of twins on the way, he would curse Severus and Harry for having their damned wedding. Ron would laugh at him, and lovingly ruffle his mused blonde hair, commenting that he was beautiful when he was pregnant, even more so because it wasn't Ron himself that was packing the little bundles of joy.
But that was nine months later, and a completely different story.
Harry stood in the back of the chapel finally beginning to get a bit worried. Albus hadn't shown up, and they were already running almost an hour late. Hermione was shedding in human form, a nasty trait she'd picked up ever since she became a cat animagi in their seventh year. Sirius was acting moody and angry as he sat with Remus in the front row, not giving anyone any reason to question him about Albus' lateness. Inwardly, he was chuckling maniacally. He wasn't a Marauder for nothing.
Severus, meanwhile, realized that both best men were nowhere to be found. He mentioned it to Remus, who told Minerva, who alerted Filius, who kindly offered to go find them.
Poor little guy would never be the same after that.
Finally, after the instrumentalists said they had to leave shortly, Hermione swept to the front of the church, strands of her hair drifting off behind her.
"Albus is obviously not going to make it on time. Is there anyone else here who is authorized to perform the ceremony?!" She half shouted, looking quite deranged.
To everyone's horror, Sybil Trewlaney stood up with a dramatic swirl of her fuchsia robes.
"My dear girl, I thought you'd never ask! I predicted my talents would be necessary." She trailed off in her smoky voice. Before Hermione could protest, she was up at the front of the chapel shoving Hermione onto the bench.
Just then, Filius scooted back into the church with a beet red face and two very drunk best men behind him. At the sight of them, Severus lost the unnatural feeling of happiness that had engulfed him since the start of his wedding day. Sweeping down the aisle like the famous overgrown bat out of hell, he quite nearly lifted both men by the backs of their robes and dragged them down the aisle. Remus jumped up to help Severus get them standing, and eventually they had to prop Draco up with the alter. Ron was grinning from ear to ear, and eventually someone on the front row pointed out to him that his pants were unzipped. Ron only drew attention to it by fumbling with his zipper for a few minuets and letting out a long stream of curses before loudly declaring it impossible. Mr. Weasley, red to the roots of his hair, furiously waved his wand and fixed Ron's problem.
Not willing to wait for any more disasters, Harry nodded to the orchestra ensemble and walked determinedly down the aisle. He was going to be happy at his wedding no matter WHAT happened.
Ron waved energetically to him and shouted at him,
"Harry! Old chum, old buddy, old friend .um. old chum again. Come on down! We're all down here! Quit spinning around like that!" Harry only made his fake smile wider and kept walking determinedly. He locked eyes with Severus and refused to look anywhere else.
From the back of the church, Hagrid began to sob. Loudly. He completely drowned out the music. He drowned out Sybil, but, as Minerva commented later, that probably wasn't such a bad thing. Nevertheless, Arabella Figg hastily sent a silencing charm his way.
"FRIENDS!" Sybil began with a loud, dramatic beginning. "We have gathered, as I have predicted, to join Seamore and ."
"Severus! My name's Severus!" the agitated groom hissed at her. The woman turned her buggy eyes on him, blinked owlishly, and then returned to her speech.
".To join Simon and Harry in what I have already predicted will be a short and grim marriage. I consulted my inner eye this morning, and there can be no mistake that Harry will most certainly die, and Sergio will sadly be eaten by the Giant Squid. Therefore, this marriage is to death! DEATH I SAY!"
As if on cue, the church workers slowly brought in the corpse.
"Oh for the love of Lockhart!" Severus exclaimed exasperated, dropping Harry's hands and collapsing into a nearby pew with his hands massaging his temples.
Draco slid off the alter and would have hit the floor, but Harry quickly caught him and prevented the fall. Trewlaney saw the corspe, and saw Harry catch Draco, and went off on a tangent.
"It is as the inner eye has revealed! Death and disloyalty even now! Look upon your bride, Samuel! He is already in the arms of another man!"
"SEVERUS, WOMAN! Merlin's BALLS, my name is SEVERUS!!!!"
A/N: Sorry it took so long guys, but it's hard to write humor. You can expect two more chapters to this before it's done, and hopefully they won't be as late as this one! Thanks to all who reviewed!
(shameless plug)
Go read my new McGonagall/Hooch fic! If you don't mind the lesbian pairing, you'll like it, I promise!
