In the ensuing sob-fest, we turn to a certain Elf-lord of Lorien, wandering the woods…

Haldir:

There is a castle in a tree,

Safe and carefree from all attack,

Aren't any Orcs for me to whack,

Not in my castle in a tree.

There is a room that's full of arms,

Arrows and bows – an Elf-lord's charms,

Nobody shouts by her decree,

Not in my castle in a tree.

There is a lady all in white,

Smiles and sings a lullaby,

She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,

She says "Haldir, I love you very much."

I know a place where no one's lost,

I know a place where no one cries,

Crying is bad, we all agree,

It's not in my castle in a tree.

Oh help! I think I hear him now,

and I'm ever so frightened after what he did to poor Glorfindel!

Oh, it's him! It's Peter Jackson!

Peter Jackson:

Now look who's here

The little Elf-lord himself!

Pretending once again he's been `so awfully good,'

Better not let me catch you slacking

Better not catch my eye!

Arwen, I feel, needs a bigger part -

Did I just hear you reply?

Now take that bow

My little `Vëo'

And go and save Helm's Deep from the Uruk flow!

I should never have put you in in the first place

How stupid the things that we do!

Who needs another Elf when we've got a good one right here?!

Dear Arwen, come my love, dear Arwen, let me see you

You look very well in that little blue hat

There's some little elves who know how to behave

And they know what to wear

And I'm saying thank Eru for that.

Still there Haldir?

I hate to hear you weep!

I told you to get going – you must die at Helm's Deep!

Haldir:

Please do not send me out alone

Not in the darkness on my own!

Peter Jackson:

Enough of that, or I'll forget to be nice!

You heard me ask for something,

And I never ask twice!

Movie Arwen shoves Haldir out the door, then "sneakily" follows him. The Fellowship arrives in Lothlorien, and Celeborn shows up to greet his guests.

Elves of Lothlorien

Come on you old pest

Fetch a bottle of your best

What's the nectar for your whim?

Celeborn enters with a flask of limpë

Celeborn:

Here, try this lot

Guaranteed to hit the spot

Or I'm not Lord of the Galadhrim!

Elves:

Gissa glass a rum

Tree-Lord, over here!

Celeborn:

(to himself)

Right away, you scum

(to Elves)

Right away, good sir!

More Elves:

God this place is hard to find

So you tell me every year

Yet More Elves:

Mine host Celeborn

He was there I'll be sworn

At Nirnaeth Arnoediad

Got there, it's true

When the fight was all through

But he knew just what to do

Crawling through the mud

So I've heard it said

Picking through the pockets

Of the Elvish dead

He made a tidy score

From the spoils of war

Celeborn:

My band of soaks

My den of dissolutes

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts.

My sons of whores

Spent their lives in my inn

Homing pigeons homing in

They fly through my doors

And their money's as good as yours

An Elf:

Ain't got a clue

What he put in this stew

Must have scraped it off the street

Another Elf:

God what limpë!

Just real wine in bad decay

Must have pressed it with his feet

Where Do All These Elves Come From?:

Landlord over here!

Where's the bloody man?

One more for the road!

One more slug o' gin.

Elf-Maid:

Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.

Celeborn greets the Fellowship as they arrive at Cerin Amroth. Butterbur, out of nowhere, shows up with a tankard of ale and some hobbit tarts – sadly, the Author remembers that she had promised him "Master of the House". She offers him some limpë, then heads him back towards Bree.

Celeborn:

Welcome, M'sieur

Sit yourself down

And meet the best

Innkeeper in town

As for the rest,

All of 'em crooks

Rooking their guests

And cooking the books.

Seldom do you see

Honest men like me

A gent of good intent

Who's content to be

Master of the house

Doling out the charm

Ready with a handshake

And an open palm

Tells a saucy tale

Makes a little stir

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur

Glad to do a friend a favor

Doesn't cost me to be nice

But nothing gets you nothing

Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house

Keeper of the zoo

Ready to relieve 'em

Of a coin or two

Watering the wine

Making up the weight

Pickin' up their knick-knacks

When they can't see straight

Everybody loves a landlord

Everybody's bosom friend

I do whatever pleases

Eru! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Celeborn & Elves

Master of the house

Quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby

To pass him by

Servant to the poor

Butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher,

And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Everybody's chaperone

Celeborn:

But lock up your valises

Eru! Won't I skin you to the bone!

(To Another Group of Elves Who Have Mysteriously Appeared)

Enter M'sieur

Lay down your load

Unlace your boots

And rest from the road

This weighs a ton

Travel's a curse

But here we strive

To lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked

Here the fat is fried

And nothing's overlooked

Till I'm satisfied...

Food beyond compare

Food beyond belief

Mix it in a mincer

And pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse

Liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages

With this and that

Residents are more than welcome

Bridal suite is occupied

Reasonable charges

Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice

Extra for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice

Here a little slice

There a little cut

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices

There are a lot of tricks he knows

How it all increases

All those bits and pieces

Eru! It's amazing how it grows!

Celeborn & Elves

Master of the house

Quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby

To pass him by

Servant to the poor

Butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher,

And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Gives 'em everything he's got

Celeborn:

Dirty bunch of geezers

Eru! What a sorry little lot!

Galadriel:

I used to dream

That I would meet a prince

But God Almighty,

Have you seen what's happened since?

`Master of the house?'

Isn't worth me spit!

`Comforter, philosopher'

- and lifelong shit!

Cunning little brain

Regular Manwë

Thinks he's quite a lover

But he's barely okay…

What a cruel trick of nature

Landed me with such a louse

God knows how I've lasted

Living with this bastard in the house!

Celeborn & Elves:

Master of the house!

Galadriel:

Master and a half!

Celeborn & Elves:

Comforter, philosopher

Galadriel:

Ah, don't make me laugh!

Celeborn & Elves:

Servant to the poor. Butler to the great.

Galadriel:

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Celeborn & Elves:

Everybody bless the landlord!

Everybody bless his spouse!

Celeborn:

Everybody raise a glass

Galadriel:

Raise it up the master's ass.

All:

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!

Frodo, wandering in the woods of Lothlorien, comes across Galadriel near a large pan of water – the Mirror of Galadriel. Completely out of character, considering her last song (welcome to the wonderful world of parodies), she sings…

Galadriel:

Hush now. Do not be afraid of me.

Don't cry. Show me where you live.

Tell me my child, what is your name?

Frodo: I'm called Frodo.

Galadriel refuses the Ring, then leads Frodo out of the woods.

After traveling down the River Anduin for awhile, Aragorn finally reaches a decision about how the quest will proceed.

Aragorn:

I saw us wandering in the wood

Our little band, I saw us trembling in the shadows

And I am here to help Frodo

And I will settle any foe who may come our way

I will do what I must do

To see the Ring destroyed.

There is a duty I must heed,

There is a promise I have made

For I was blind to one in need

I did not see what stood before me

Now our leader is with God

Gandalf's suffering is over

And I speak here with his voice

And I stand here in his place

And from this day and evermore

Merry & Pippin:

We shall follow you, good sir.

Valjean:

The quest shall go in my protection

Sam:

We are glad to have you here

Aragorn:

I will not forsake my vow

Gimli:

You have my axe!

Legolas:

You have my bow!

Aragorn:

Our quest shall have a leader now!

Frodo, during this song, was wandering around Amon Hen alone – unsure of how to proceed. Boromir, however, sees him wandering and offers a solution.

Boromir:

What to do? What to say?

Shall you carry our treasure away?

What a gem! What a pearl!

Beyond rubies is our gold circle!

How can we speak of destroying?

Let's not haggle for the precious Ring!

Evil Sauron, not yet at rest...

Are we doing what truly is best?

Destroy the Ring? Destroy this gift?

Using it, our vict'ry could be swift!

So very swift, Frodo!

Frodo:

Your feelings do you credit, sir

Then I will ease your worried mind

The ring is evil – it brings sickness, and lust, and greed.

Now, may I say, we are agreed?

Boromir:

That would quite fit the bill

But Gondor has so often been ill

Saruman cost us men -

Armies don't just appear from the glen.

Not that I wouldn't give it back

We'd just use it for one small attack!

One thing more, one small doubt

Sauron's weapon has mighty clout.

No offense. Please reflect -

Your intentions may not be correct!

Frodo:

No more words. Here's my choice:

I'm going alone after hearing your voice.

Come, Precious, say goodbye

Let us seek out some friendlier sky.

Thank you, Boz, for this threat

It won't take you too long to forget.

Frodo runs in terror, reaches the waterfront, and tries to sneak away in a boat. Sam, however, has stowed away on the boat, and begins to sing.

Sam:

Listen, Frodo,

I'm sincere.

From now on I will always be here

Where you go, I will be.

Frodo:

Will there be lava and torture to see?

Sam:

Yes, Frodo, yes, it's true.

There's a mountain just waiting for you.

Frodo:

(A candid spoken moment – note the sarcasm)

Gee… you always know what to say to cheer me up, Sam.

Frodo and Sam:

La la la la la...

Frodo and Sam paddle away; Merry and Pippin are taken by Orcs; Boromir is slain trying to defend them; and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli decide to leave Frodo and Sam to their own devises and rather chase after Merry and Pippin. Everyone caught up? Good.