In the ensuing sob-fest, we turn to a certain Elf-lord of Lorien, wandering the woods…
Haldir:
There is a castle in a tree,
Safe and carefree from all attack,
Aren't any Orcs for me to whack,
Not in my castle in a tree.
There is a room that's full of arms,
Arrows and bows – an Elf-lord's charms,
Nobody shouts by her decree,
Not in my castle in a tree.
There is a lady all in white,
Smiles and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,
She says "Haldir, I love you very much."
I know a place where no one's lost,
I know a place where no one cries,
Crying is bad, we all agree,
It's not in my castle in a tree.
Oh help! I think I hear him now,
and I'm ever so frightened after what he did to poor Glorfindel!
Oh, it's him! It's Peter Jackson!
Peter Jackson:
Now look who's here
The little Elf-lord himself!
Pretending once again he's been `so awfully good,'
Better not let me catch you slacking
Better not catch my eye!
Arwen, I feel, needs a bigger part -
Did I just hear you reply?
Now take that bow
My little `Vëo'
And go and save Helm's Deep from the Uruk flow!
I should never have put you in in the first place
How stupid the things that we do!
Who needs another Elf when we've got a good one right here?!
Dear Arwen, come my love, dear Arwen, let me see you
You look very well in that little blue hat
There's some little elves who know how to behave
And they know what to wear
And I'm saying thank Eru for that.
Still there Haldir?
I hate to hear you weep!
I told you to get going – you must die at Helm's Deep!
Haldir:
Please do not send me out alone
Not in the darkness on my own!
Peter Jackson:
Enough of that, or I'll forget to be nice!
You heard me ask for something,
And I never ask twice!
Movie Arwen shoves Haldir out the door, then "sneakily" follows him. The Fellowship arrives in Lothlorien, and Celeborn shows up to greet his guests.
Elves of Lothlorien
Come on you old pest
Fetch a bottle of your best
What's the nectar for your whim?
Celeborn enters with a flask of limpë
Celeborn:
Here, try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot
Or I'm not Lord of the Galadhrim!
Elves:
Gissa glass a rum
Tree-Lord, over here!
Celeborn:
(to himself)
Right away, you scum
(to Elves)
Right away, good sir!
More Elves:
God this place is hard to find
So you tell me every year
Yet More Elves:
Mine host Celeborn
He was there I'll be sworn
At Nirnaeth Arnoediad
Got there, it's true
When the fight was all through
But he knew just what to do
Crawling through the mud
So I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets
Of the Elvish dead
He made a tidy score
From the spoils of war
Celeborn:
My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts.
My sons of whores
Spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And their money's as good as yours
An Elf:
Ain't got a clue
What he put in this stew
Must have scraped it off the street
Another Elf:
God what limpë!
Just real wine in bad decay
Must have pressed it with his feet
Where Do All These Elves Come From?:
Landlord over here!
Where's the bloody man?
One more for the road!
One more slug o' gin.
Elf-Maid:
Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.
Celeborn greets the Fellowship as they arrive at Cerin Amroth. Butterbur, out of nowhere, shows up with a tankard of ale and some hobbit tarts – sadly, the Author remembers that she had promised him "Master of the House". She offers him some limpë, then heads him back towards Bree.
Celeborn:
Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best
Innkeeper in town
As for the rest,
All of 'em crooks
Rooking their guests
And cooking the books.
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be
Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake
And an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!
Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em
Of a coin or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks
When they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Eru! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
Celeborn & Elves
Master of the house
Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby
To pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher,
And lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
Celeborn:
But lock up your valises
Eru! Won't I skin you to the bone!
(To Another Group of Elves Who Have Mysteriously Appeared)
Enter M'sieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots
And rest from the road
This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive
To lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied...
Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer
And pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages
With this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All those bits and pieces
Eru! It's amazing how it grows!
Celeborn & Elves
Master of the house
Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby
To pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher,
And lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got
Celeborn:
Dirty bunch of geezers
Eru! What a sorry little lot!
Galadriel:
I used to dream
That I would meet a prince
But God Almighty,
Have you seen what's happened since?
`Master of the house?'
Isn't worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher'
- and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain
Regular Manwë
Thinks he's quite a lover
But he's barely okay…
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this bastard in the house!
Celeborn & Elves:
Master of the house!
Galadriel:
Master and a half!
Celeborn & Elves:
Comforter, philosopher
Galadriel:
Ah, don't make me laugh!
Celeborn & Elves:
Servant to the poor. Butler to the great.
Galadriel:
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
Celeborn & Elves:
Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!
Celeborn:
Everybody raise a glass
Galadriel:
Raise it up the master's ass.
All:
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!
Frodo, wandering in the woods of Lothlorien, comes across Galadriel near a large pan of water – the Mirror of Galadriel. Completely out of character, considering her last song (welcome to the wonderful world of parodies), she sings…
Galadriel:
Hush now. Do not be afraid of me.
Don't cry. Show me where you live.
Tell me my child, what is your name?
Frodo: I'm called Frodo.
Galadriel refuses the Ring, then leads Frodo out of the woods.
After traveling down the River Anduin for awhile, Aragorn finally reaches a decision about how the quest will proceed.
Aragorn:
I saw us wandering in the wood
Our little band, I saw us trembling in the shadows
And I am here to help Frodo
And I will settle any foe who may come our way
I will do what I must do
To see the Ring destroyed.
There is a duty I must heed,
There is a promise I have made
For I was blind to one in need
I did not see what stood before me
Now our leader is with God
Gandalf's suffering is over
And I speak here with his voice
And I stand here in his place
And from this day and evermore
Merry & Pippin:
We shall follow you, good sir.
Valjean:
The quest shall go in my protection
Sam:
We are glad to have you here
Aragorn:
I will not forsake my vow
Gimli:
You have my axe!
Legolas:
You have my bow!
Aragorn:
Our quest shall have a leader now!
Frodo, during this song, was wandering around Amon Hen alone – unsure of how to proceed. Boromir, however, sees him wandering and offers a solution.
Boromir:
What to do? What to say?
Shall you carry our treasure away?
What a gem! What a pearl!
Beyond rubies is our gold circle!
How can we speak of destroying?
Let's not haggle for the precious Ring!
Evil Sauron, not yet at rest...
Are we doing what truly is best?
Destroy the Ring? Destroy this gift?
Using it, our vict'ry could be swift!
So very swift, Frodo!
Frodo:
Your feelings do you credit, sir
Then I will ease your worried mind
The ring is evil – it brings sickness, and lust, and greed.
Now, may I say, we are agreed?
Boromir:
That would quite fit the bill
But Gondor has so often been ill
Saruman cost us men -
Armies don't just appear from the glen.
Not that I wouldn't give it back
We'd just use it for one small attack!
One thing more, one small doubt
Sauron's weapon has mighty clout.
No offense. Please reflect -
Your intentions may not be correct!
Frodo:
No more words. Here's my choice:
I'm going alone after hearing your voice.
Come, Precious, say goodbye
Let us seek out some friendlier sky.
Thank you, Boz, for this threat
It won't take you too long to forget.
Frodo runs in terror, reaches the waterfront, and tries to sneak away in a boat. Sam, however, has stowed away on the boat, and begins to sing.
Sam:
Listen, Frodo,
I'm sincere.
From now on I will always be here
Where you go, I will be.
Frodo:
Will there be lava and torture to see?
Sam:
Yes, Frodo, yes, it's true.
There's a mountain just waiting for you.
Frodo:
(A candid spoken moment – note the sarcasm)
Gee… you always know what to say to cheer me up, Sam.
Frodo and Sam:
La la la la la...
Frodo and Sam paddle away; Merry and Pippin are taken by Orcs; Boromir is slain trying to defend them; and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli decide to leave Frodo and Sam to their own devises and rather chase after Merry and Pippin. Everyone caught up? Good.
