Frodo and Sam paddle away; Merry and Pippin are taken by Orcs; Boromir is slain trying to defend them; and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli decide to leave Frodo and Sam to their own devises and rather chase after Merry and Pippin. Everyone caught up? Good.

Random People of a Race Still Undetermined By the Author

Look here and see – already at "Two Towers"!

Look here and show some surprise if you can.

Look here and thank God for shows with three hours -

Look here, The Author might make it through it all!

Treebeard:

(Other Ents hoom-hooming in the background)

How do you do? My name's Treebeard.

These are my people. Here's my patch.

Not much to look at, never cleared

Nothing that you'd call up to scratch.

This is my school, my high society

Here in the woods of old Fangorn

We live on crumbs of humble piety

Tough as nails – the Oldest born!

Think you're strong?

Think you're free?

Much too hasty! Much too hasty!

Random People of a Race Still Undetermined By the Author

Look here and show some surprise if you can

Look here, look here, upon all our new clans…

The Orcs and Uruks who have captured Merry and Pippin get into a squabble.

Ugly Uruk of Saruman:

What you think yer at?

Hanging round the hobbits?

If you're new around here, boy

You've got a lot to learn!

Ugly Orc of Sauron:

Listen you old bat...

Crazy bloody witch...

Starving to death for three days -

Want some fresh meat in return!

Not Quite as Ugly, But Nonetheless Still Not Quite "Frodo-rgeous" Orc of Sauron:

I know what you want!

Gnaw up all their bones!

Disregard the orders

And then blame it on clones.

Éomer and Rohirrim:

Leave none alive -

Move it, you old beast!

We will chop all your heads' off

And we'll make you all deceased.

Merry and Pippin:

When's it gonna end?

When we gonna live?

Something's gotta happen now or

Something's gonna give

It'll come, it'll come, it'll come

It'll come, it'll come, it'll come

They run into Fangorn Forest. MEANWHILE…

Legolas:

Where the leaders of the land?

Where are the swells who run this show?

Aragorn:

Only one man - and that's Théoden

Rules o'er the people here below.

Éomer:

See our horses run

Banished out of shame

Simply for trying to save

The King from Gríma's game

All of his, evil games…

Random Rohirrim Warriors:

(Who else thinks the idea of Rohirric warriors chanting is hilarious?)

Evil games, evil games, evil games…

Éomer:

Théoden is ill and fading fast!

Won't last the week out, so they say.

With all the anger in the land

How long before the judgment day?

Before we cut that Gríma down to size?

Before the battle-screams arise?

Random Adorable Rohirric Child:

Watch out for old Gríma Wormtongue

Got all of Rohan on the make

Once the King's advisor, down the way

Now he's a swine and no mistake

He's got a gang

The bleeding layabout

Even a crush on the King's niece – the fair.

That's Éowyn, she knows her way about

Only a kid, but hard to scare

Do we care?

Not a cuss

Long live us.

Long live us!

Random People of a Race Still Undetermined By the Author

Look here and show some surprise if you can

Look here, look here, upon all our new clans…

Turning our attention from Rohan to Emyn Muil for the moment, we watch Sméagol and Gollum talking with themself as they await Frodo and Sam.

Sméagol:

Everyone here, you know your place

We'll get back our Precious!

You, Gollum the Great, watch for Samwise

With Baggins you take care -

I'll turn on the tears

No mistakes, my dears

Gollum:

These bloody hobbits with the Ring

Here they come sneaking once again

First time he came, should've broke his feet

Stupid Sméagol didn't have a brain…

Frodo and Sam walk by.

Gollum:

(Trying to look innocently friendly)

Hey, Frodo B, what's up today?

I haven't seen you much about.

(Tries to grab the Ring)

Sam:

(Ties Gollum up)

Trying to kill Frodo gives me chagrin!

Frodo:

Aw, Samwise, just let him out!

Gollum:

Here, wotcher do going to Mordor?

Don't forget, I was a Ringbearer, too!

Don't judge a hobbit on how he looks.

I know a lot of things, I do!

Frodo:

Poor old Gollum, the things you know -

It wouldn't help on quests like these.

Gollum:

I can get you into Mordor!

Frodo:

Won't you be our leader, please?

Gollum:

(to himself)

Little he knows!

Little he sees!

Peter Jackson lurks in the bushes as the hobbits and Gollum approach the Forbidden Pool.

Peter Jackson:

(to Arwen, waiting nearby)

Here's the old boy. Stay on the job and watch out for The Author.

Movie Faramir:

Stay out of this.

Book Faramir:

But MovieFaz…

Movie Faramir:

You'll be in trouble here

It's not your concern

You'll be in the clear

He pushes Book Faramir away.

Book Faramir:

Who is that hobbit?

Movie Faramir:

Leave us alone!

Book Faramir:

Why is he here? Hey, MovieFaz!

While trying to talk with Movie Faramir, he bumps into Frodo and Sam, who have been walking by. He bows politely.

Book Faramir:

I didn't see you there, forgive me.

Movie Faramir:

(Rolls his eyes, and grabs Frodo and Sam by the throat)

Ringbearer, come this way

Gondor's a land that ain't eaten today.

Save a life, give up the Ring

Or else feel the weight of my sword swing.

Wait a bit. Know that face.

Ain't the world a remarkable place?

Men like me can be severe -

You're the bastard who killed Boromir!

Movie Faramir grabs Frodo, rips open his shirt, and pulls the Ring out onto his sword tip.

Frodo:

What is this? Are you mad?

No, Faramir, you don't know what you do!

Movie Faramir:

You know me, you know me.

I'll take that Ring from you.

Arwen:

Faramir! Disappear!

Run for it! It's the Author!

The Author, heretofore content with merely stepping in to help settle an argument between Glorfindel and Arwen, finds herself obliged to help again. She growls at Movie Faramir, Arwen, and company.

The Author:

Another change in the square

Another stink in the air!

Was there a witness to this?

Well, let him speak to The Author!

Good sir, the text is not safe,

But let these vermin beware

We'll see that justice is done!

(To Frodo)

Look upon this fine collection

Crawled from underneath a stone

This swarm of worms and maggots

Could have picked you to the bone!

(Motions to Arwen)

I know this elf over here

I know her name and her trade

And on your witness, good sir,

We'll see her suitably paid.

The Author lets Frodo and Sam depart, but realizes that one of the gang has snuck off as well.

But where's the gentleman gone?

And why on earth did he run?

Movie Faramir:

You will have a job to catch him

He's the guy who's on the run.

Our plot changes are merely written

By the director Pete Jackson!

The Author:

Could it be that sweet old Kiwi

Has made the changes I detest?

Heard my name and started running

For making Faramir a pest.

And the girl who stood beside him

Also grates upon my nerves

Must I really blame Peter Jackson?

Or is it New Line that deserves?

Movie Faramir:

Since we're not the ones to blame here,

Dear, sweet Author, may we go?

And remember when you've nicked him,

It was me who told you so!

The Author:

Let the old man keep on running

I will run him off his feet!

Everyone about your business!

Clear this garbage off the street!

The Author:

There, out in the darkness

Peter Jackson is running

Fallen from grace

Fallen from grace

God be my witness

I never shall yield

Till we come face to face

Till we come face to face

He knows his way in the dark

Mine is the way of Tolkien

And those who follow the path of the text

Have proved their own mien.

And if they fall

As Sauron will fall

The flame

The sword!

'Hope'

In your multitudes

Often to be mentioned

Filling the script pages

With symbols that I

And other fanatics

Understand so happily -

Listening close to the script

Listening close to the script.

He got Hobbiton so right

And Rivendell, the Balrog's flame

And even dear old

Gandalf the Grey

Is always the same

And yet he fell with Arwen the Fell

And Faramir – the lame!

And so it has been and so it is written

The worst of the Murphy's Laws -

That even the greatest of wonderful movies

Must have its flaws!

Lord let me find him

That I may get Arwen

To say her farewell!

I will never rest

Till then

This I swear

This I swear by 'estel'!

Peter Jackson:

That old Author thinks she's something

But it's me who runs this show!

With my plot-changes never ending

Arwen's part will merely grow

Trust PJ, have no fear

Don't you worry, Liv Tyler dear,

You can always find me here!

The Author attempts to throw something at Pete, but he scurries off. Alone, on the stage, she sings…

The Author:

The Plot! Now I remember!

The Plot! How can it be?

I find myself stuck in a tangent

(Tries to look innocent)

Who would've thought it of me...?