Frodo and Sam paddle away; Merry and Pippin are taken by Orcs; Boromir is slain trying to defend them; and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli decide to leave Frodo and Sam to their own devises and rather chase after Merry and Pippin. Everyone caught up? Good.
Random People of a Race Still Undetermined By the Author
Look here and see – already at "Two Towers"!
Look here and show some surprise if you can.
Look here and thank God for shows with three hours -
Look here, The Author might make it through it all!
Treebeard:
(Other Ents hoom-hooming in the background)
How do you do? My name's Treebeard.
These are my people. Here's my patch.
Not much to look at, never cleared
Nothing that you'd call up to scratch.
This is my school, my high society
Here in the woods of old Fangorn
We live on crumbs of humble piety
Tough as nails – the Oldest born!
Think you're strong?
Think you're free?
Much too hasty! Much too hasty!
Random People of a Race Still Undetermined By the Author
Look here and show some surprise if you can
Look here, look here, upon all our new clans…
The Orcs and Uruks who have captured Merry and Pippin get into a squabble.
Ugly Uruk of Saruman:
What you think yer at?
Hanging round the hobbits?
If you're new around here, boy
You've got a lot to learn!
Ugly Orc of Sauron:
Listen you old bat...
Crazy bloody witch...
Starving to death for three days -
Want some fresh meat in return!
Not Quite as Ugly, But Nonetheless Still Not Quite "Frodo-rgeous" Orc of Sauron:
I know what you want!
Gnaw up all their bones!
Disregard the orders
And then blame it on clones.
Éomer and Rohirrim:
Leave none alive -
Move it, you old beast!
We will chop all your heads' off
And we'll make you all deceased.
Merry and Pippin:
When's it gonna end?
When we gonna live?
Something's gotta happen now or
Something's gonna give
It'll come, it'll come, it'll come
It'll come, it'll come, it'll come
They run into Fangorn Forest. MEANWHILE…
Legolas:
Where the leaders of the land?
Where are the swells who run this show?
Aragorn:
Only one man - and that's Théoden
Rules o'er the people here below.
Éomer:
See our horses run
Banished out of shame
Simply for trying to save
The King from Gríma's game
All of his, evil games…
Random Rohirrim Warriors:
(Who else thinks the idea of Rohirric warriors chanting is hilarious?)
Evil games, evil games, evil games…
Éomer:
Théoden is ill and fading fast!
Won't last the week out, so they say.
With all the anger in the land
How long before the judgment day?
Before we cut that Gríma down to size?
Before the battle-screams arise?
Random Adorable Rohirric Child:
Watch out for old Gríma Wormtongue
Got all of Rohan on the make
Once the King's advisor, down the way
Now he's a swine and no mistake
He's got a gang
The bleeding layabout
Even a crush on the King's niece – the fair.
That's Éowyn, she knows her way about
Only a kid, but hard to scare
Do we care?
Not a cuss
Long live us.
Long live us!
Random People of a Race Still Undetermined By the Author
Look here and show some surprise if you can
Look here, look here, upon all our new clans…
Turning our attention from Rohan to Emyn Muil for the moment, we watch Sméagol and Gollum talking with themself as they await Frodo and Sam.
Sméagol:
Everyone here, you know your place
We'll get back our Precious!
You, Gollum the Great, watch for Samwise
With Baggins you take care -
I'll turn on the tears
No mistakes, my dears
Gollum:
These bloody hobbits with the Ring
Here they come sneaking once again
First time he came, should've broke his feet
Stupid Sméagol didn't have a brain…
Frodo and Sam walk by.
Gollum:
(Trying to look innocently friendly)
Hey, Frodo B, what's up today?
I haven't seen you much about.
(Tries to grab the Ring)
Sam:
(Ties Gollum up)
Trying to kill Frodo gives me chagrin!
Frodo:
Aw, Samwise, just let him out!
Gollum:
Here, wotcher do going to Mordor?
Don't forget, I was a Ringbearer, too!
Don't judge a hobbit on how he looks.
I know a lot of things, I do!
Frodo:
Poor old Gollum, the things you know -
It wouldn't help on quests like these.
Gollum:
I can get you into Mordor!
Frodo:
Won't you be our leader, please?
Gollum:
(to himself)
Little he knows!
Little he sees!
Peter Jackson lurks in the bushes as the hobbits and Gollum approach the Forbidden Pool.
Peter Jackson:
(to Arwen, waiting nearby)
Here's the old boy. Stay on the job and watch out for The Author.
Movie Faramir:
Stay out of this.
Book Faramir:
But MovieFaz…
Movie Faramir:
You'll be in trouble here
It's not your concern
You'll be in the clear
He pushes Book Faramir away.
Book Faramir:
Who is that hobbit?
Movie Faramir:
Leave us alone!
Book Faramir:
Why is he here? Hey, MovieFaz!
While trying to talk with Movie Faramir, he bumps into Frodo and Sam, who have been walking by. He bows politely.
Book Faramir:
I didn't see you there, forgive me.
Movie Faramir:
(Rolls his eyes, and grabs Frodo and Sam by the throat)
Ringbearer, come this way
Gondor's a land that ain't eaten today.
Save a life, give up the Ring
Or else feel the weight of my sword swing.
Wait a bit. Know that face.
Ain't the world a remarkable place?
Men like me can be severe -
You're the bastard who killed Boromir!
Movie Faramir grabs Frodo, rips open his shirt, and pulls the Ring out onto his sword tip.
Frodo:
What is this? Are you mad?
No, Faramir, you don't know what you do!
Movie Faramir:
You know me, you know me.
I'll take that Ring from you.
Arwen:
Faramir! Disappear!
Run for it! It's the Author!
The Author, heretofore content with merely stepping in to help settle an argument between Glorfindel and Arwen, finds herself obliged to help again. She growls at Movie Faramir, Arwen, and company.
The Author:
Another change in the square
Another stink in the air!
Was there a witness to this?
Well, let him speak to The Author!
Good sir, the text is not safe,
But let these vermin beware
We'll see that justice is done!
(To Frodo)
Look upon this fine collection
Crawled from underneath a stone
This swarm of worms and maggots
Could have picked you to the bone!
(Motions to Arwen)
I know this elf over here
I know her name and her trade
And on your witness, good sir,
We'll see her suitably paid.
The Author lets Frodo and Sam depart, but realizes that one of the gang has snuck off as well.
But where's the gentleman gone?
And why on earth did he run?
Movie Faramir:
You will have a job to catch him
He's the guy who's on the run.
Our plot changes are merely written
By the director Pete Jackson!
The Author:
Could it be that sweet old Kiwi
Has made the changes I detest?
Heard my name and started running
For making Faramir a pest.
And the girl who stood beside him
Also grates upon my nerves
Must I really blame Peter Jackson?
Or is it New Line that deserves?
Movie Faramir:
Since we're not the ones to blame here,
Dear, sweet Author, may we go?
And remember when you've nicked him,
It was me who told you so!
The Author:
Let the old man keep on running
I will run him off his feet!
Everyone about your business!
Clear this garbage off the street!
The Author:
There, out in the darkness
Peter Jackson is running
Fallen from grace
Fallen from grace
God be my witness
I never shall yield
Till we come face to face
Till we come face to face
He knows his way in the dark
Mine is the way of Tolkien
And those who follow the path of the text
Have proved their own mien.
And if they fall
As Sauron will fall
The flame
The sword!
'Hope'
In your multitudes
Often to be mentioned
Filling the script pages
With symbols that I
And other fanatics
Understand so happily -
Listening close to the script
Listening close to the script.
He got Hobbiton so right
And Rivendell, the Balrog's flame
And even dear old
Gandalf the Grey
Is always the same
And yet he fell with Arwen the Fell
And Faramir – the lame!
And so it has been and so it is written
The worst of the Murphy's Laws -
That even the greatest of wonderful movies
Must have its flaws!
Lord let me find him
That I may get Arwen
To say her farewell!
I will never rest
Till then
This I swear
This I swear by 'estel'!
Peter Jackson:
That old Author thinks she's something
But it's me who runs this show!
With my plot-changes never ending
Arwen's part will merely grow
Trust PJ, have no fear
Don't you worry, Liv Tyler dear,
You can always find me here!
The Author attempts to throw something at Pete, but he scurries off. Alone, on the stage, she sings…
The Author:
The Plot! Now I remember!
The Plot! How can it be?
I find myself stuck in a tangent
(Tries to look innocent)
Who would've thought it of me...?
