Aragorn awakes, Gandalf frees Théoden from Gríma's spells, and the whole of Rohan marches to Helm's Deep.

MEANWHILE… After the *ahem* incident with the Wargs and the going over the cliff and such… [Note: the Author is showing massive self-restraint to keep herself from rewriting that scene as well…] Aragorn quickly disguises himself as an Uruk to discover where the excessively large army of Uruks are marching towards

Aragorn:

Say Lurtz, what are we doing

So far out of our patch?

Random Uruk #1:

(Who is *not* named Lurtz, since Lurtz was killed in the first movie. However, they all kind of look alike)

This land, we're going to do it

Rich King, plenty of scratch.

You remember Rohan's the one

That got away the other day.

Take 'em out and suddenly

All Middle-Earth in disarray!

Aragorn:

Oh Lord, somebody help me!

Dear God, what'll I do?

Can we survive an ambush

From an army this huge?

What'll I do, what'll I say?

I've got to warn them here

I've got to find a way.

Aragorn runs off to warn Théoden and the company at Helm's Deep. Meanwhile, Saruman plots.

Saruman:

(Surveying maps of Helm's Deep)

This is his lair

I've seen the old fox around

He keeps himself to himself

He's staying close to the ground

I smell carnage here!

Few years ago

He came and paid for Rohan

I let her go for a horse

It's time we brought war upon -

This'll cost him dear

Uruk Chief:

What do I care

Who you should rob?

Gimme me my share

Finish the job!

Saruman:

You shut your mouth

Give me your hand

Back at Helm's Deep

Theoden (catching sight of Arwen, riding up with Haldir):

What have we here?

Who is this hussy?

Legolas:

It's that movie version Arwen

Don't you know your own Elf

Why's she hanging about you?

Aragorn:

Dear Arwen, get on home

You're not needed in this

We're enough here without you

Movie Arwen:

I know this war I tell you

I'll fight alongside you

Just because I don't like horses

Doesn't mean I can't fight, too…

As The Author was busy elsewhere… *coughswooningoverFrodocough*, a substitute shows up to help out.

Tolkien:

Don't interfere

You've got some gall

Take care, young miss,

You've got a lot to say!

Peter Jackson:

But she's so soft

Beloved by all

Go home, Tolkien,

Go home, you're in the way

Tolkien:

I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna warn them here.

Peter Jackson:

One little scream and you'll regret it for a year.

The Uruks of Saruman, waiting around for battle:

What a palaver

What an absolute treat

To watch PJ and Tolkien

Pick a bone in the street

Arwen:

Not a sound out of you!

Tolkien:

Well I told you I'd do it, told you I'd do it... (Screams)

Peter Jackson:

You wait old man, you'll rue this night

I'll make you scream, you'll scream all right!

Make for the sewers, go underground

Leave him to me, don't wait around!

After hearing Tolkien's screech and believing Jackson's words to be intended for them, the Uruks of Saruman race away and the battle for Helm's Deep is won by a rather unfair forfeit. 

Aragorn

It was your cry - sent them away

Once more Tolkien saving the day

(He notices Gandalf show up with Éomer and the banished Rohirrim)

Gandalf the Grey, no need for them

All the Orcs gone, thanks anyway!

Someone is near

Hear her approach

Somebody's here!

The Author races in and stares at the scene with fear and disgust.

The Author:

My God, my characters!

I heard a violent cut in the dark!

I saw a giant battle reduced to one mere song!

Tolkien:

That was my cry you heard, Author,

I was afraid of what she'd do.

She ran away when she heard my cry.

The Author:

Tolkien, good sir, what has gotten into you?

Tolkien:

Arwen I saw beyond the wall

Arwen in shadows moving fast

The Author:

This was a near miss to us all

These are the shadows of the past

Must be Peter Jackson!

He's found Movie Arwen at last!

I've got to get the plot moving again

Before he returns!

We must get away from shadows

They will never let us be

(to Aragorn)

Tomorrow to the Paths of the Dead...

And then a ship across the sea!

Hurry, Aragorn, prepare to leave and say no more,

Tomorrow you'll all away!

Hurry, Aragorn, you've skipped over some gore,

you'll live another day!

The Author (still):

One day more!

Another day, another destiny.

Must get the characters to the finale;

These men who seem to perpetrate crime

Will surely come a second time.

One day more!

Aragorn:

(Having fallen in love with Book Arwen)

I did not live until today.

How can I live when we are parted?

The Author: 

One day more.

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

Tomorrow you'll be worlds away,

And yet with you, my world has started!

Éowyn:

One more day all on my own.

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

Will we ever meet again?

Éowyn:

One more day with him not caring.

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

I was born to be with you.

Éowyn:

What a life I might have known.

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

And I swear I will be true!

Éowyn:

But he never saw me there!

Gandalf:

One more day before the storm!

Éowyn:

Do I follow where he goes?

Gandalf:

At the barricades of freedom.

Merry and Pippin:

(Looking to the fighting)

Shall we join the Fellowship there?

Gandalf:

When our ranks begin to form

Frodo:

Can I destroy it; do I dare?

Gandalf:

Will you take your place with me?

All:

The time is now, the day is here

The Author:

One day more!

Sauron:

One more day to revolution,

We will nip it in the bud!

I will smash these little Mortals,

They will wet themselves with blood!

The Author:

One day more!

Peter Jackson:

Watch 'em run amuck,

Change 'em as they fall,

Never know your luck

When there's a free for all,

Here a little `cut'

There a little `touch'

The audience is mostly newbies

So they won't miss much!

The Orcs:

One day to a new beginning

Rohan:

Raise the flag of freedom high!

The Nazgûl:

Every man will be a king

Gondor:

Every man will be a king

Saruman:

There's a new world for the winning

Gandalf:

There's a new world to be won

All:

Do you hear the people sing?

Aragorn:

My place is here, I fight with you!

The Author:

One day more!

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

I did not live until today.

Éowyn:

One more day all on my own!

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

How can I live when we are parted?

Gollum: (overlapping)

I will join the story's heros

I will follow where they go

I will learn their little secrets,

I will know the things they know. 

The Author:

One day more!

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

Tomorrow you'll be worlds away

Éowyn:

What a life I might have known!

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

And yet with you my world has started

Academy Award Voters: (overlapping)

One more movie up for Oscars

We will nip it in the bud

We'll be ready for these Kiwis

Peter Jackson (overlapping)

Watch 'em run amok

Change 'em as they fall

Never know your luck

When there's a free-for-all!

The Author:

Tomorrow they'll be far away,

Tomorrow is the judgement day

All:

Tomorrow we'll discover

What our God in Heaven has in store!

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!