- * - INTERMISSION - * -

Feel free to help yourself to refreshments, get up, walk about – it's been quite a 50 pages hasn't it? Wow… 2:34AM… This is either madness... or brilliance. (It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide) Know what a pirate's favourite Lord of the Rings character is? Arrrrrr-agorn. Okay… it's been fifteen minutes. Back to the show.

- * - INTERMISSION - * -

Denethor is preparing Minas Tirith for an assault from Sauron.

Denethor:

Here upon these stones

We will build our barricade

In the heart of the city

We claim as our own!

Each man to his duty

And don't be afraid.

Wait! I will need a report

On the strength of the foe.

The Palantir: (disguised as a "helping" tool)

I can find out the truth

I know their ways

Fought their wars

Served my time

In the days

Of my youth.

Gondorians:

Now the people will fight

Rohirrim:

And so they might

Dogs will bark

Fleas will bite.

Gandalf:

They will do what is right!

As the Rohirrim prepare to go their separate ways (Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Elves – Paths of the Dead; Gandalf & Pippin – Minas Tirith; Everyone else, Minas Tirith by way of Edoras), Aragorn notices Éowyn suiting up in amour.

Aragorn:

Hey, little boy, what's this I see?

God, Éowyn, the things you do!

Éowyn:

I know this is no place for me,

Still, I would rather fight with you!

Aragorn:

Get out before the trouble starts.

Get out, Éowyn, you might get shot!

Éowyn:

I've got you worried now, I have

That shows you like me quite a lot!

Aragorn:

There is a way that you can help

You are the answer to a prayer!

Please take this letter to Arwen

And pray to God that she's still there!

Éowyn:

Little you know!

Little you care!

Little he really does know – the real Arwen is back at Rivendell (quite a ways from Helm's Deep) and Movie Arwen is safe in PJ's hiding… blast him. Through the power of Authorship, however, The Author makes Éowyn arrive quickly at the bridge of Rivendell, and before Lord Elrond.

Éowyn:

I have a letter milord

It's addressed to your daughter, Arwen

It's from a boy in battles, good sir,

Over fighting again.

Elrond:

Give me that letter here, my boy.

Éowyn:

He said to give it to Arwen

Elrond:

You have my word that my daughter will know

What this letter contains.

Tell the young man she will read it tomorrow

And here's for your pains

Go careful now, stay out of sight

There's danger in the streets tonight.

Elrond reads the letter as The Author gets Éowyn back to Aragorn's company traveling the Paths of the Dead.

"Dearest Arwen, you have entered my soul

And soon you will be gone.

Can it be only a day since we met

And the world was reborn?

If I should fall in the battle to come

Let this be my goodbye...

Now that I know you love me as well

It is harder to die...

I pray that god will bring me home

To be with you.

Pray for your Aragorn. He prays for you!"

Gollum, leading Frodo and Sam towards Shelob's lair, gets his own solo moment, since he's been threatening to throw raw and wiggling fish at The Author if he doesn't get it… 

Gollum:

And now I'm all alone again

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to

Without a home, without a friend,

Without a face to say hello to.

But now the night is near

Now I can make believe it's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else is sleeping

I think of it and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

And I can live inside my head.

On my own

Pretending the Ring's beside me

All alone, I walk with it till morning

Without it

I feel the band around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And it has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is the Ring and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to it

And although I know that it's blind

Still I say, there's a way for us

I love it

But when the night is over

It is gone, the river's just a river

Without it the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere

The streets are full of strangers

I love it

But every day I'm learning

All my life I've only been pretending

Without me its world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known!

I love the Ring

I love the Ring

I love the Ring

But only on my own.

Minas Tirith is now ready for an assault by Sauron – and not a moment too soon.

Gondorians:

Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade

Denethor:

Let them come in their legions

And they will be met

Gandalf:

Have faith in yourselves

And don't be afraid

Pippin:

Let's give 'em a screwing

That they'll never forget!

Bergil:

This is where it begins!

And if I should die in the fight to be free

Where the fighting is hardest

There will I be

Beregond:

Let them come if they dare

We'll be there!

The Witch-King: (flying about the gates)

You at Minas Tirith listen to this!

No one is coming to help you to fight

You're on your own

You have no friends

Give up your city - or die!

Gandalf:

Damn their warnings, damn their lies

They will see the people rise!

Gondorians:

Damn their warnings, damn their lies

They will see the people rise!

Gollum leads Frodo and Sam into Shelob's Lair, then reports to them what he knows of Mordor.

Gollum:

Listen my friends

I have done as I said

I have been to their lines

I have counted each man

I will tell what I can

Better be warned

They have armies to spare

And the danger is real

We will need all our cunning

To bring them to heel.

Frodo:

Have faith

If you know what their movements are

We'll spoil their game

There are ways that a people can fight

We shall overcome their power

Gollum:

I have overheard their plans

There will be no Spider here tonight

We can sneak right through these tunnels

So we can start a proper fight

Concentrate our force

Hit them from the right.

Sam:

Liar!

Good evening, good old Sméagol,

Lovely evening, my dear.

I know this man, Frodo

He's a sneak we should fear

So don't believe a word he says

'Cause none of it's true

This only goes to show

What little people can do!

And little people know

When little people fight

We may look easy pickings

But we've got some bite

So never kick a dog

Because he's just a pup

We'll fight like twenty armies

And we won't give up

So you'd better run for cover

When the pup grows up!

Frodo:

Bravo, little Samwise, you're the top of the class!

(He's pricked by Shelob, falls down dead – Sam grabs the Ring and hides as the Orc Patrols appear)

Gorbag:

Ooh! what are we going to do

With this snake in the grass?

Shagrat:

Tie this spy and take him

To Cirith Ungol, in there

Sauron will decide your fate

So you better beware!

Gorbag:

Take the creature now and shoot him!

Let us watch the elf-spy dance!

He'd have done the same, Shagrat,

If we'd let him have his chance!

Shagrat:

Kill him now and be killed later

Every idiot to his sport

Death to each and every traitor -

That includes you, you little snort!

Sam rescues Frodo from the tower, and tries to cheer him up.

Sam:

Though we may not all survive here

There are things that never die

Frodo:

What's the difference, die a schoolboy,

Die safe in the Shire, die a spy?

Sam:

Come Frodo, let's go through

There is work we have to do!

MEANWHILE, back at the Battle of the Pelannor Fields…

Random Gondorian Whose Sole Purpose is to Sum Up the Plot:

There's a girl and a hobbit challenging the Witch-King!

Merry:

Good God! What are you doing?

Éowyn, have you no fear?

Is that really the Witch-King?

Why have you brought us here?

Éowyn:

Challenged the Fell Beast like I said

He killed my uncle with a roar

I said I would kill him - 

Don't think I can stand any more.

Merry:

Éowyn, what's wrong? I feel...

There's something wet upon your hair 

Éowyn, you're hurt

You need some help!

Oh God, it's everywhere....

Éowyn:

Don't you fret, Master Merry

I don't feel any pain

A little fall of rain

Can hardly hurt me now

It's dead, that's all I need to know

And you will keep me safe

And you will keep me close

And rain will make the flowers grow.

Merry:

But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,

If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

Éowyn:

Just hold me now, and let it be.

Shelter me, comfort me

Merry:

You would live a hundred years

If I could show you how

I won't desert you now...

Éowyn:

The rain can't hurt me now

This rain will wash away what's past

And you will keep me safe

And you will keep me close

I'll sleep with battle valor at last.

The rain that brings you here

Is Heaven-blessed!

The skies begin to clear

And I'm at rest

A breath away from where you are

I've come home from so far

Éowyn:

So don't you fret, Master Merry

I don't feel any pain

A little fall of rain

Can hardly hurt me now

Merry: (in counterpoint)

Hush-a-bye, dear Éowyn,

You won't feel any pain

A little fall of rain

Can hardly hurt you now

Merry:

I'm here

Éowyn:

That's all I need to know

And you will keep me safe

And you will keep me close

Merry: (in counterpoint)

I will stay with you

Till you are sleeping

Éowyn:

And rain...

Merry:

And rain...

Éowyn:

Will make the flowers...

Merry:

Will make the flowers... grow...

She collapses. Merry kisses her forehead as Prince Imrahil and Éomer ride up.

Prince Imrahil:

She is the first to fall

The first female to fall upon this battlefield.

Éomer:

Her name was Éowyn

Her life was cold and dark, yet she was unafraid.

Merry:

We fight here in her name

Imrahil:

She will not die in vain.

Éomer:

She will not be betrayed.

The surrounding soldiers bear her upon their shoulders into the White City. The Author races after them, screaming, "CHECK FOR A PULSE! CHECK FOR A PULSE!!"