- * - INTERMISSION - * -
Feel free to help yourself to refreshments, get up, walk about – it's been quite a 50 pages hasn't it? Wow… 2:34AM… This is either madness... or brilliance. (It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide) Know what a pirate's favourite Lord of the Rings character is? Arrrrrr-agorn. Okay… it's been fifteen minutes. Back to the show.
- * - INTERMISSION - * -
Denethor is preparing Minas Tirith for an assault from Sauron.
Denethor:
Here upon these stones
We will build our barricade
In the heart of the city
We claim as our own!
Each man to his duty
And don't be afraid.
Wait! I will need a report
On the strength of the foe.
The Palantir: (disguised as a "helping" tool)
I can find out the truth
I know their ways
Fought their wars
Served my time
In the days
Of my youth.
Gondorians:
Now the people will fight
Rohirrim:
And so they might
Dogs will bark
Fleas will bite.
Gandalf:
They will do what is right!
As the Rohirrim prepare to go their separate ways (Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Elves – Paths of the Dead; Gandalf & Pippin – Minas Tirith; Everyone else, Minas Tirith by way of Edoras), Aragorn notices Éowyn suiting up in amour.
Aragorn:
Hey, little boy, what's this I see?
God, Éowyn, the things you do!
Éowyn:
I know this is no place for me,
Still, I would rather fight with you!
Aragorn:
Get out before the trouble starts.
Get out, Éowyn, you might get shot!
Éowyn:
I've got you worried now, I have
That shows you like me quite a lot!
Aragorn:
There is a way that you can help
You are the answer to a prayer!
Please take this letter to Arwen
And pray to God that she's still there!
Éowyn:
Little you know!
Little you care!
Little he really does know – the real Arwen is back at Rivendell (quite a ways from Helm's Deep) and Movie Arwen is safe in PJ's hiding… blast him. Through the power of Authorship, however, The Author makes Éowyn arrive quickly at the bridge of Rivendell, and before Lord Elrond.
Éowyn:
I have a letter milord
It's addressed to your daughter, Arwen
It's from a boy in battles, good sir,
Over fighting again.
Elrond:
Give me that letter here, my boy.
Éowyn:
He said to give it to Arwen
Elrond:
You have my word that my daughter will know
What this letter contains.
Tell the young man she will read it tomorrow
And here's for your pains
Go careful now, stay out of sight
There's danger in the streets tonight.
Elrond reads the letter as The Author gets Éowyn back to Aragorn's company traveling the Paths of the Dead.
"Dearest Arwen, you have entered my soul
And soon you will be gone.
Can it be only a day since we met
And the world was reborn?
If I should fall in the battle to come
Let this be my goodbye...
Now that I know you love me as well
It is harder to die...
I pray that god will bring me home
To be with you.
Pray for your Aragorn. He prays for you!"
Gollum, leading Frodo and Sam towards Shelob's lair, gets his own solo moment, since he's been threatening to throw raw and wiggling fish at The Author if he doesn't get it…
Gollum:
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to.
But now the night is near
Now I can make believe it's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of it and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
On my own
Pretending the Ring's beside me
All alone, I walk with it till morning
Without it
I feel the band around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And it has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is the Ring and me for ever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to it
And although I know that it's blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love it
But when the night is over
It is gone, the river's just a river
Without it the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love it
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me its world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!
I love the Ring
I love the Ring
I love the Ring
But only on my own.
Minas Tirith is now ready for an assault by Sauron – and not a moment too soon.
Gondorians:
Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade
Denethor:
Let them come in their legions
And they will be met
Gandalf:
Have faith in yourselves
And don't be afraid
Pippin:
Let's give 'em a screwing
That they'll never forget!
Bergil:
This is where it begins!
And if I should die in the fight to be free
Where the fighting is hardest
There will I be
Beregond:
Let them come if they dare
We'll be there!
The Witch-King: (flying about the gates)
You at Minas Tirith listen to this!
No one is coming to help you to fight
You're on your own
You have no friends
Give up your city - or die!
Gandalf:
Damn their warnings, damn their lies
They will see the people rise!
Gondorians:
Damn their warnings, damn their lies
They will see the people rise!
Gollum leads Frodo and Sam into Shelob's Lair, then reports to them what he knows of Mordor.
Gollum:
Listen my friends
I have done as I said
I have been to their lines
I have counted each man
I will tell what I can
Better be warned
They have armies to spare
And the danger is real
We will need all our cunning
To bring them to heel.
Frodo:
Have faith
If you know what their movements are
We'll spoil their game
There are ways that a people can fight
We shall overcome their power
Gollum:
I have overheard their plans
There will be no Spider here tonight
We can sneak right through these tunnels
So we can start a proper fight
Concentrate our force
Hit them from the right.
Sam:
Liar!
Good evening, good old Sméagol,
Lovely evening, my dear.
I know this man, Frodo
He's a sneak we should fear
So don't believe a word he says
'Cause none of it's true
This only goes to show
What little people can do!
And little people know
When little people fight
We may look easy pickings
But we've got some bite
So never kick a dog
Because he's just a pup
We'll fight like twenty armies
And we won't give up
So you'd better run for cover
When the pup grows up!
Frodo:
Bravo, little Samwise, you're the top of the class!
(He's pricked by Shelob, falls down dead – Sam grabs the Ring and hides as the Orc Patrols appear)
Gorbag:
Ooh! what are we going to do
With this snake in the grass?
Shagrat:
Tie this spy and take him
To Cirith Ungol, in there
Sauron will decide your fate
So you better beware!
Gorbag:
Take the creature now and shoot him!
Let us watch the elf-spy dance!
He'd have done the same, Shagrat,
If we'd let him have his chance!
Shagrat:
Kill him now and be killed later
Every idiot to his sport
Death to each and every traitor -
That includes you, you little snort!
Sam rescues Frodo from the tower, and tries to cheer him up.
Sam:
Though we may not all survive here
There are things that never die
Frodo:
What's the difference, die a schoolboy,
Die safe in the Shire, die a spy?
Sam:
Come Frodo, let's go through
There is work we have to do!
MEANWHILE, back at the Battle of the Pelannor Fields…
Random Gondorian Whose Sole Purpose is to Sum Up the Plot:
There's a girl and a hobbit challenging the Witch-King!
Merry:
Good God! What are you doing?
Éowyn, have you no fear?
Is that really the Witch-King?
Why have you brought us here?
Éowyn:
Challenged the Fell Beast like I said
He killed my uncle with a roar
I said I would kill him -
Don't think I can stand any more.
Merry:
Éowyn, what's wrong? I feel...
There's something wet upon your hair
Éowyn, you're hurt
You need some help!
Oh God, it's everywhere....
Éowyn:
Don't you fret, Master Merry
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
It's dead, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.
Merry:
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.
Éowyn:
Just hold me now, and let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me
Merry:
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now...
Éowyn:
The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep with battle valor at last.
The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
A breath away from where you are
I've come home from so far
Éowyn:
So don't you fret, Master Merry
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
Merry: (in counterpoint)
Hush-a-bye, dear Éowyn,
You won't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt you now
Merry:
I'm here
Éowyn:
That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
Merry: (in counterpoint)
I will stay with you
Till you are sleeping
Éowyn:
And rain...
Merry:
And rain...
Éowyn:
Will make the flowers...
Merry:
Will make the flowers... grow...
She collapses. Merry kisses her forehead as Prince Imrahil and Éomer ride up.
Prince Imrahil:
She is the first to fall
The first female to fall upon this battlefield.
Éomer:
Her name was Éowyn
Her life was cold and dark, yet she was unafraid.
Merry:
We fight here in her name
Imrahil:
She will not die in vain.
Éomer:
She will not be betrayed.
The surrounding soldiers bear her upon their shoulders into the White City. The Author races after them, screaming, "CHECK FOR A PULSE! CHECK FOR A PULSE!!"
