A/N: The last canon episode applying to this fic is "The One After Ross Says Rachel". Any events following that episode are subject to change.
August 1999
"Hello?"
Emily's voice crackled out over Rachel's speakerphone. Ross pumped a fist in the air, and Chandler clapped him on the back.
"Emily, Emily... thank God you answered... I can't believe I finally found you..."
Emily paused. "You've been looking, then?"
"Every day! For like a year! You have no idea, no idea... you should see my phone bill! I hired a detective, I must have talked to all your relatives a thousand times... they didn't tell you?"
"Ross... do you have me on the speaker?"
"Um, yeah..." Ross looked around at his collected, breathless friends, gathered around the base unit.
"Why?"
"So... uh... they can stop me if I say anything too stupid."
Emily laughed, and Ross' heart leapt. Phoebe gave him a thumbs up; Rachel clapped her hands together. "Well, take me off, silly. You're on your own this time."
Ross lifted the handset and pressed the button to switch over. "God, Emily... how have you been?"
"So... who all was I talking to?"
"Oh, everybody..." Ross glanced over nervously at Rachel.
"Who's 'everybody'?" Emily asked lightly... fluffy white snowdrifts over hazardous ice.
"Um. Chandler," Ross gulped. "And Pheebs... Joey... and, uh, rachelandrichard..." Maybe she wouldn't hear that next-to-last-one...?
"Rachel and... and Richard?" Emily repeated hopefully. "Who's that, Ross... Rachel's boyfriend?"
"Oh, no, no-no..."
"Oh. Rachel's still single, then?" The warmth that had crept into Emily's voice dissipated by the second. "And you two still... see each other every day?"
Emily let out a heavy sigh. "Ross, I'm very busy, I think I need to go..."
Ross' heart sank. He lowered his voice, cupping his hand over the mouthpiece and turning his back to the assembly. "Um. Um. I think, um. I think you misunderstood, honey. Richard isn't Rachel's *boyfriend*... he's her *fiance*."
"Fiance?" And spring returned to the phone line.
"Yep," Ross winced.
"And you're... you're all right with that? Being with them, together?"
"Well, yeah... why wouldn't I be? Rachel's my friend, I want her to be happy. *I'm* concerned with my *wife*."
At this, all five of the others gave him double thumbs-up signs.
"Look, Ross... I have three calls holding, but I'd like to talk. May I call you back in a few minutes?"
"Sure! Sure, Emily, that's be... that's be great."
Ross hung up the phone and pressed it to his chest. "She's calling me back. *She's* calling *me*! And she'd 'like to talk'!"
"Dude, that's awesome," Joey gushed, wrapping his arm around Ross' head. "How the hell'd you pull *that* off?"
"Uh. My charm. And, um, a really sort of small, teensy lie."
Chandler couldn't resist. "Was it *wee*?"
"Um, sure. I uh, kinda-sorta told Emily that, um... Rachel and Richard were engaged."
"Oh, *that's* not wee!" Chandler cried out.
"What the -- *Ross*!!" Rachel began thwapping him with her magazine.
"Good thing we were here to make sure you didn't say anything stupid," Richard chuckled.
"Okay, you weren't on the phone, you didn't hear it! She asked me who was here, and I told her, and she *assumed* Richard was Rachel's boyfriend!"
"What, he couldn't be *my* boyfriend?" Phoebe asked. "What am I, chopped liver?"
"Anyway, she got so *nice*, y'know? So happy, when she thought Rachel was taken. And then I told her that Richard *wasn't* her boyfriend, and blammo -- iceberg woman."
"Boy, I sure hope you two get back together," Chandler deadpanned.
"So I told her he wasn't her boyfriend... he was her fiance. And then she was *so* nice, and *so* happy, and she said she'd call me back, and she wanted to talk! I think we can really work this out, you guys!"
Phoebe glared. "Yes, because the foundation of *every* strong marriage is a big fat lie."
"It's just to get my foot in the door! Y'know, we'll make up, and she'll see how in love with her I am, and then I can tell her that you two broke up for some reason!"
"What, like Rachel crawled out of the window before the ceremony?"
Rachel ceased hitting Ross and began hitting Chandler.
"Bottom line is... this won't affect you guys in any way, but it would *really* help me. C'mon, you guys... I don't wanna be divorced *twice*!"
"I'm okay with it, if it will really help you," Richard offered.
"Yeah, fine, I'll do it too," Rachel sighed.
"Great. Great! Oh, I love you guys, I will totally, totally make this up to you and..."
The phone in Ross' hand began to ring, and he yelped with joy. "That's her! That's her! I'm gonna take it in the bedroom!"
Ross galloped off, and Phoebe stared after him.
"He is such a *dork*," she spat. "I can't *believe* he's doing this."
August 1999
"Hello?"
Emily's voice crackled out over Rachel's speakerphone. Ross pumped a fist in the air, and Chandler clapped him on the back.
"Emily, Emily... thank God you answered... I can't believe I finally found you..."
Emily paused. "You've been looking, then?"
"Every day! For like a year! You have no idea, no idea... you should see my phone bill! I hired a detective, I must have talked to all your relatives a thousand times... they didn't tell you?"
"Ross... do you have me on the speaker?"
"Um, yeah..." Ross looked around at his collected, breathless friends, gathered around the base unit.
"Why?"
"So... uh... they can stop me if I say anything too stupid."
Emily laughed, and Ross' heart leapt. Phoebe gave him a thumbs up; Rachel clapped her hands together. "Well, take me off, silly. You're on your own this time."
Ross lifted the handset and pressed the button to switch over. "God, Emily... how have you been?"
"So... who all was I talking to?"
"Oh, everybody..." Ross glanced over nervously at Rachel.
"Who's 'everybody'?" Emily asked lightly... fluffy white snowdrifts over hazardous ice.
"Um. Chandler," Ross gulped. "And Pheebs... Joey... and, uh, rachelandrichard..." Maybe she wouldn't hear that next-to-last-one...?
"Rachel and... and Richard?" Emily repeated hopefully. "Who's that, Ross... Rachel's boyfriend?"
"Oh, no, no-no..."
"Oh. Rachel's still single, then?" The warmth that had crept into Emily's voice dissipated by the second. "And you two still... see each other every day?"
Emily let out a heavy sigh. "Ross, I'm very busy, I think I need to go..."
Ross' heart sank. He lowered his voice, cupping his hand over the mouthpiece and turning his back to the assembly. "Um. Um. I think, um. I think you misunderstood, honey. Richard isn't Rachel's *boyfriend*... he's her *fiance*."
"Fiance?" And spring returned to the phone line.
"Yep," Ross winced.
"And you're... you're all right with that? Being with them, together?"
"Well, yeah... why wouldn't I be? Rachel's my friend, I want her to be happy. *I'm* concerned with my *wife*."
At this, all five of the others gave him double thumbs-up signs.
"Look, Ross... I have three calls holding, but I'd like to talk. May I call you back in a few minutes?"
"Sure! Sure, Emily, that's be... that's be great."
Ross hung up the phone and pressed it to his chest. "She's calling me back. *She's* calling *me*! And she'd 'like to talk'!"
"Dude, that's awesome," Joey gushed, wrapping his arm around Ross' head. "How the hell'd you pull *that* off?"
"Uh. My charm. And, um, a really sort of small, teensy lie."
Chandler couldn't resist. "Was it *wee*?"
"Um, sure. I uh, kinda-sorta told Emily that, um... Rachel and Richard were engaged."
"Oh, *that's* not wee!" Chandler cried out.
"What the -- *Ross*!!" Rachel began thwapping him with her magazine.
"Good thing we were here to make sure you didn't say anything stupid," Richard chuckled.
"Okay, you weren't on the phone, you didn't hear it! She asked me who was here, and I told her, and she *assumed* Richard was Rachel's boyfriend!"
"What, he couldn't be *my* boyfriend?" Phoebe asked. "What am I, chopped liver?"
"Anyway, she got so *nice*, y'know? So happy, when she thought Rachel was taken. And then I told her that Richard *wasn't* her boyfriend, and blammo -- iceberg woman."
"Boy, I sure hope you two get back together," Chandler deadpanned.
"So I told her he wasn't her boyfriend... he was her fiance. And then she was *so* nice, and *so* happy, and she said she'd call me back, and she wanted to talk! I think we can really work this out, you guys!"
Phoebe glared. "Yes, because the foundation of *every* strong marriage is a big fat lie."
"It's just to get my foot in the door! Y'know, we'll make up, and she'll see how in love with her I am, and then I can tell her that you two broke up for some reason!"
"What, like Rachel crawled out of the window before the ceremony?"
Rachel ceased hitting Ross and began hitting Chandler.
"Bottom line is... this won't affect you guys in any way, but it would *really* help me. C'mon, you guys... I don't wanna be divorced *twice*!"
"I'm okay with it, if it will really help you," Richard offered.
"Yeah, fine, I'll do it too," Rachel sighed.
"Great. Great! Oh, I love you guys, I will totally, totally make this up to you and..."
The phone in Ross' hand began to ring, and he yelped with joy. "That's her! That's her! I'm gonna take it in the bedroom!"
Ross galloped off, and Phoebe stared after him.
"He is such a *dork*," she spat. "I can't *believe* he's doing this."
