Published:
21st June 2003
Pairings: Seto x Joey
Disclaimers: Jou and Seto are not mine. The hooker is TRI-Link's.
Summary: Jou and Seto are friends- Seto likes guys, and is a real player.
But all he's ever wanted was Jou. Can he ever work up the courage to tell the
truth?
[Story Notes]: Let me see.This story only makes sense if you take on
the OoC pretense that Seto and Jou are very good friends somehow, and that everyone
knows that Seto likes guys- and that he is a really big player and dates tons
constantly.
[Author's Notes]: I wrote this at like... 5:00 AM last night after getting
a major rush of inspiration. I don't expect many people to like this- because
the style in which I wrote it is neither poetry nor story. It's more of a "prose"
style, or so I call it. It's what I write when I'm trying to get a powerful
message across- and keep it sort of raw. I don't want to fluster it over with
too many pretty words, or make it too short- though I don't want it to drag
on forever either. Sort of like snapshots- or moments in time, I guess. I'm
posting this because I like it. A lot. Not because I think anyone else might.
Please understand that before reading.
I am the wind. I exist alone. But why? For what purpose is this lonely existance?
It's all a Masked Charade, and the people are but mere dancers before me again. Moving to that solitary tune. Dancing the slow and steady beat. The rhythmn of life at their heels, snapping and clicking- but they give me no rest.
The lanterns are a glow behind me and above me, shattering my dreams. Spiralling contagiously, like a party twirler, knocked out of place.
And once more my heart knots.
It's a double knot this time.
Why?
. . .
Why not?
I know I can probably stare up into the open skies forever. I know that they will always invite me in. Just like the men. Just like the men. They always invite me in. Casually or eagerly. I take them as they go. I've had every single one of them. I've known every single one of them. I still remember every single one of them. Tall or average, thin or muscular, they've all laid beside me... or under me as the case may be.
And yet I'm always alone.
This existance that I've known has been full of so very many things. And yet- now it all seems so bland to me. It's all so very pointless. I had gotten to the point where I could dispose of one trick that night, and pick up another cute boy the next morning. It was like I was... magnetic.
Though there was always one I could never attract.
-
"It's always the blondes, huh?" She was a swanky one, alright. Long brown hair and passionate blue eyes I could almost see myself reflected in. She wore an outfit that looked like it belonged at some rerun of an old French documentary about le Moulin Rouge. Blue petal shapes danced across her wild outfit, and she seemed like a misfit in the well-dressed party held within. Men in suits, women in simple, yet beautiful outfits. And there she was, looking like the skank from across town- trying to pick up guys for a couple of bucks like it was a hobby.
Well, what the hell did she know anyway?
"What's it to ya?" I asked. Maybe the whore was afraid I was goin' to intervene on her territory.
Or maybe she was wondering if I'd be her next client.
Who knew with this one...
"Nothin'. I used to date... when I was younger too." She said, pulling
out a cigarette and putting it to her lips. She fumbled for a second, then gave
me an inquiring look.
"Got a light?"
I held the lighter up to meet her cigarette.
"Did you love any of them?" I asked curiously as I snapped it closed... or maybe I was just trying to pass the time, until yet another brainless hottie passed by. Another one for me to pick up... to toy with... to use.
God. Was I just as bad as her?
"Nope." She said, matter of factly, taking a puff on the white stick.
But the gaze in her eyes told me otherwise.
"Except... once." She said awkwardly, staring up at the crescent moon, a dream in her eyes.
"But it would never have worked out." She said icily, in a cool tone- snapping back to reality. Her eyes were faded again, but for that brief moment they had sparkled with a light I hadn't seen before.
"What about that one?" She nodded her head toward someone inside.
The boy I had come with.
Jou.
I tried not to laugh.
I swear I did.
How could I have never seen it before?
Oh, I had. Yes. I definitely
had.
I just didn't have it in my mind... that he'd be... ya know.
I couldn't fuck him and leave him like all the rest. And I was... too afraid. Too afraid it might turn into something more. Too afraid it might become something serious. Too afraid to face the truth. That I might be in love. That I might actually LOVE him. Love him like I had never loved anyone before.
And there he was, as handsome as ever. His blonde hair, falling down infront of his face- the lights caressing his cheeks- the shimmer running across his smile as he danced.
How could I have never seen it before?
Oh, I had. Yes. Of course I had.
And here was... some... ordinary slut- pointing it out.
As if it should be obvious.
As if she were a matchmaker.
As if it would be perfect.
And maybe I was afraid that it would be.
"Who?... Him?" I laughed. Trying to hide all those feelings deeper
inside of me, as the knots inside my heart tightened, and I tried to keep from
crying or laughing- which ever would come first.
"Yeah? What's so wrong with that one? Just another pretty face, eh?" She said crudely, nuding me in the shoulder to emphasize the last word.
She leaned back against the railing as another waft of smoke puffed out of her mouth.
Yeah.
Just another pretty face.
Sure thing.
-
"Come on, Seto. Let's dance." Jou smiled at me. Flashing that look that would have made... just about anybody else faint. He sure was getting his fair share of looks. Strike that. Everyone was looking at him. Even if they weren't attracted to him.
But how could you not be?
I shook my head. I didn't want to dance.
I needed to think some more.
I could have any of them I wanted. My pick of the litter.
Only... I'd had them all.
I'd had more than enough. I was tired. Weary. It wasn't that I wanted to settle down- Oh, no. Not that. It was that.. it was that I was so afraid. So afraid that it might be too perfect. And then something might go wrong. Or too afraid that he'd just laugh it off as though it were a joke. Too afraid that he might take me seriously, and refuse. Too afraid.
God. We were like brothers... that'd practically be incest, wouldn't it?
Shit. I knew it was time to stop making excuses for myself.
I turned and fled.
I didn't even care anymore.
I didn't care if he followed.
-
It had been a long time since I had walked these lonely streets.
Their cobblestone lining was wearing away, like old news. Because that's what life was becoming. Old and tiring. Mostly just boring. I need something fresh. Something new. Change. Difference. Or maybe I just needed to rediscover the old... bring it alive again. Just like the whore... my eyes were stale and dry with sights and aging..
It wasn't even like I was
*that* old. Not even close to middle-age... hell no.
Yet... I felt like it.
And he was there- right behind me. A worried look on his face that I could see- but knew from the expression in his voice.
"Kaiba!"
He called my name.
He said it.
He called it down the street at my retreating figure. Slumped with shame and sorrow.
I could have had any of them. I had already had every one of them. When I went
into the clubs- I knew them all by face, but never by name.
Never by name.
I had a terrible memory, or so I'd led myself to believe. When I reality it was because I was going through more than I could handle. One for each day of the week- month- year... It was a menagerie of calendar toys. Mapped out perfectly so that they were all mine.
And I didn't want any of them.
because I only wanted him
but I was too fucking afraid.
I called him a coward.
But I was the coward.
"SETO!" It spun through my mind as he ran up to me.
And he was there- I could hear his ragged breath against my back. I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes. I could hear my heart beating a hundred miles a minute. My throat dried up.
"What's wrong?" A comforting arm around my shoulder. Because we were
friends... Yeah. Just friends.
And I looked up at him-
the tears in my eyes.
And suddenly nothing mattered anymore, because he had his arms around me.
And the world was perfect.
Like it had never been before.
-
He led me by my hand to the bed. Taking off clothing piece by piece, and I, in an orderly fashion did likewise- almost a mirror image.
"You know, he said
you've been to bed with everyone except me." He said softly.
"Yeah, well... guess he was right." I muttered. Trying to dismiss
it. Was Joey making a joke? Or was the blonde.. hinting at something? No. My
mind was at play again- fooling me. Twisting words.
"He said the day you went to bed with me would be the day you died." He said again. Almost laughing.
"Would you just... just shut-up?" I replied, feeling the tears returning.
"What's wrong? What happened?" He sounded sad for me.
How could I tell him? How could I say to him that I loved him? That I could
have- had had every guy I had ever desired and more. How could I tell him that
night after night, day after day, when I needed a friend... when something went
awry... when I was finished with one date, and on to the next "boyfriend",
there he was? Like a lost puppy, waiting for me, when I was free. Those big,
mournful brown eyes, staring deep into my soul. Waiting...
But I never came around.
Because I couldn't.
Because it made me cry when I lay alone-
After the next guy was gone, and before the new one would come...
And I wondered what the
meaning was-
What the purpose was.
I laid down on the bed curled up against myself. Jou laid as far away from me
as possible.
Was I really that... gross?
Maybe I was.
A pale blue light cascaded down from the thin curtains- caused by the silver rays of moonlight from that same crescent moon.
-
The next day it was the same routine.
But I didn't even have to try.
He came up to me- not like I ever really approached them.
Gave me that look.
That look that says "I want you."
That look that says "I need you."
I didn't even respond.
It didn't matter though.
Somehow that was taken as
acceptance.
I'd have called it rape- if I had tried to struggle.
But the struggle was silent and inward.
I don't even remember the sex- if there was any.
No. Of course there was. There always was.
At any rate- I don't remember it.
-
That night when I walked away from another party Jou followed me out into the empty- silent street again.
"Okay, what the hell is wrong with you?" He asked stubbornly. It never was like him to give up.
Immediately I bursted into
tears.
I couldn't hold them back any longer.
it had been years.
Years of seeing red lights
shimmer and fade
Years of one boy after another... young and old
New and used...
"You would never understand." I managed.
"I can try." He said firmly. Comfortingly.
"How can I tell you..." I began
"That every time I look at another guy... I only see you? That every time I kiss another man- it's you I'm kissing. When I'm with anyone else, I only want to really be with you. How can I tell you that I can never work up the courage? Time and time again. How can I tell you that my heart feels like it's on fire when I'm around you- but when you're gone I want to die? What words should I use to compose the symphony that would convey my emotions properly? What instrument do you expect from me? How can I explain the long years I've spent- looking at you from behind? Sneaking secret glances? Being so envious of how you can be so carefree? How jealous I am when you find someone... the longing I feel when I lie awake some nights... staring at the stars. When I go from one guy to the next- always seeing you, but never being able to have you? How can I explain how long it has been since I have last been able to look you in the eyes, and tell you anything honestly? How can I not feel guilty when I see your expression when I've used another guy, and been dissatisfied- because they can't possibly meet my expectations- because they're not you? How can I tell you that I want you more than anything in the world? That I love you more than anything in the world? That these streets we stand on are nothing more than vehicles for my transportation? Because I know by tomorrow I'll just find and fuck another guy. That I'll use him- like no one should. Because I know I can never have you. Because I know you can never be mine. Because I know "we're just friends". Because I'm sick and tired of the lies, and of the hatred. The jealousy- and the pain. And most of all... I'm fucking tired of the way I feel around you. In how many words do you want me to say good-bye? Which I can never do- because I can't bear not to see you ever again- but I am torn between, because I know that I must- or I will never be able to let go. Because I can't let go of you. Because I have to hold on for dear life... because it feels so right when I'm standing close to you... when we touch it's like magic. I want nothing more than you. The money- the suits- the car... it's all shit. Useless. Utterly worthless- if I can't have you. If you won't ever love me back. If you won't just tell me what you're fucking feeling. If you won't return my nervous glance. If you won't take my advanced seriously. If you won't look past all those other boys. Because all I've ever wanted was you. I need you to live... I need you to stay alive. You're all I've ever known- all I ever want to know as long as I live... All I've ever wanted and dreamed of... and more. But I sit there day in and day out, realizing that I can never have you. Realizing it is all some stupid fantasy. Realizing that none of this means anything, because we're all just going to die and I'll never even know what it was like to be close to you. Because I know I'll never forget you- no matter how far away I travel, and how hard I try. I know that you will always be there- haunting my memories, invading my dreams. Turning them into fiendish nightmares in which I can do nothing more than fantasize about... you. My best friend. God. How the hell did this happen? What have you done to me? What did you do to make me this way? Why did you have to curse me like this? So that I sit there every day mourning the fact that I can never have you- and you've made that so painfully obvious without ever even speaking about it... Because I love you Jou. I fucking love you. Like I've never loved anyone before. And I'm scared and afraid- of that love." I sobbed.
".... K- Kaiba?" He whimpered quietly. Shocked.
"Shut-up Jou." I said- hanging my head.
I felt a hand raising my chin so that we met eye to eye...
And he kissed me on the lips.
-
