Thought up on the way to the Lancaster university open day…enjoy…

Disclaimer: All these characters belong to Tolkien, I've just borrowed them for my own perverted enjoyment

Ignorance is bliss-part 2:

The initial chaos had given way to a bemused silence. Following Frodo's faint Legolas had swatted the other hobbits away and deposited Frodo on a soft mossy patch, figuring that it would guarantee some peace and quiet.

However, everyone else had taken the opportunity to get their pipe out so he had found himself coughing through a haze of smoke.

"Y'know, that's not very good for the baby", he protested. The others scowled at him and, muttering darkly, put out their pipes. Legolas couldn't be sure but he thought Aragorn might have made a rather obscene gesture at him as he'd done so.

Frodo suddenly sat up with a little shriek, making everyone else jump. They stared at him nervously. Boromir turned out to be bravest.

"How are you feeling?", he asked tentatively.

"How am I feeling?", Frodo squeaked, followed by a laugh that made the others scoot backwards and try to locate their weapons, "oh I'm great really-I mean never mind that I'm a complete freak of nature and that as well as saving Middle earth I now have to give birth-oh no sorry I can't give birth can I? So (and here his voice rose several octaves) I have to let one of you savages cut me open and then-bearing in mind that I'm still alive of course-I have to carry on into Mordor with a baby that I haven't even got the equipment to feed! So as you can see I'm just terrific!"

This tirade didn't particularly encourage a reply, especially if you had some sense of self preservation. Pippin, however, had already demonstrated a number of times that far from wanting to live, he seemed to positively relish his own destruction. Thus was the case now.

"Ah look one the bright side Frodo- you could be queen of Gondor!"

The tips of Frodo's ears turned bright red with rage. Everyone cringed and resisted the temptation to cover their eyes with their hands. Surprisingly, no violent repercussions were forthcoming. Instead, Frodo got up, turned around and ran into the woods.

"Terrific", Boromir said sarcastically, as he and Legolas exchanged an exasperated glance. Legolas rubbed at him temple-he didn't think that elves could get stress headaches? Oh well…

"Sam go and fetch him", he instructed. Sam glared at him.

"Why don't you send Aragorn?", he asked bitterly. Sam, it could be safely assumed, was not overjoyed at the prospect of the patter of tiny feet.

"I'm not sending Aragorn because whilst he may be extremely good at living in the wild like a tramp he's absolutely rubbish at relating to people and is likely to provoke Frodo into hurting him severely. And (here followed a disapproving glance at the Ranger) whilst he certainly deserves to be hurt we do actually need him in good working order."

This was good enough for Sam. Casting Aragorn a look of murderous rage he set off into the woods to look for Frodo.

Legolas and Boromir decided to take advantage of the fact that Gimli and Merry were busy having a quiet word with Pippin about saying such provoking things to a rather emotional Frodo. They each grabbed one of Aragorn's ears and dragged him to a safe distance away. Aragorn sensed an impending telling-off and whimpered.

"I can't believe that you bedded the ringbearer!". Boromir looked impressed and Aragorn thought, a little wistful.

Legolas elbowed the Gondorian in the ribs and glared at him.

"Behave youself!", he reprimanded, "and as for you…" he turned the glare onto Aragorn who was looking suitably sheepish.

"I didn't know!", the Ranger protested.

"Well you still shouldn't have jumped into bed with him! I thought you were being pursued by nine ringwraiths, how on earth did you find time to knock up the ringbearer?!"

"I'm sorry Sir-", Aragorn stopped, looking confused. Legolas could scold as only a 3000 year old elf could.

"um,yes…", Legolas said slowly. Had Aragorn really just called him 'Sir'? Christ, he wanted to go home…

"What are we going to do?" Boromir brought them back to the matter at hand.

"Galadriel will know what to do", Legolas predicted confidently, "once we get to Lothlorien everything will be fine"

"Galadriel?", Aragorn cuffed Legolas slightly harder round the head than he'd meant to "no, she'll tell Elrond, then Elrond will tell Arwen and then Arwen will MAIM ME!!!"

This last bit was delivered at such a decibel that it sent birds flocking from the trees. Legolas frowned and smoothed down his hair.

"well that's hardly our problem"

For once it was Boromir to make the sensible suggestion.

"We don't have to tell her who the father is do we? I mean, I know that she can read minds but as long as we keep Frodo away from her and try not to think about it in her presence then we should be alright yes?"

Legolas groaned,

"We'll just have to chance it, there's nothing else we can do"

"And anyway", Aragorn mused, "I'm the future king of men so it would be a bad idea for them to hurt me right?"

Boromir and Legolas exchanged a worried glance.

"Um yeah, that's the spirit-positive thinking! Now, can anyone tell me how long a hobbit pregnancy lasts?"

Aragorn and Boromir shrugged in reply.

"Is it important?"

"Important?!", Legolas spluttered in a most un-elven way, "of course its bloody important-I don't fancy having to deliver this baby at the foot of Mount Doom using just my hunting knives!"

"Yes", replied Aragorn mildly, "that could be somewhat problematic"

From within the little huddle of Gimli, Merry an Pippin there came a sudden yell from Pippin.

"That's how you get pregnant? Does that mean that I'm pregnant as well?"

"Errr…I'm going for a slash", Aragorn said quickly before he scarpered off into the woods.

….Dedicated to Aragorn, legendary pervy hobbit fancier!

Next chapter: what Sam said when he caught up with Frodo in the woods