Why is it I always have the best ideas just when I'm snowed under with work? Have appallingly bad headache but am taking advantage of empty house to do some writing(you see the sacrifices I make for you guys?!)

Right, part 3 which to me seems resolutely unfunny no matter what I do to it, I blame ff.net(removal of nc-17...mutters darkly...)

Ignorance is bliss-part 3('when actions speak louder than words')

Frodo, considering his condition, could move quite fast. When Sam eventually stumbled into the clearing he found Frodo perched on a rock, looking understandably glum.

Sam smiled ruefully at him and approached him somewhat cautiously.

"It's alright, I'm not going to harm you", Frodo told him with a sigh.

"I don't really know what to say", Sam confessed awkwardly.

"Damn Aragorn..."

Sam smiled. He'd been mistaken-he definitely had something to say about that.

"If it's any consolation", he told Frodo, "when I left Legolas was looking more angry than any elf I've ever seen"

"More angry than Glorfindel when Merry got drunk, mistook for a woman and slapped him on the arse?"

"Definitely-I think Aragorn is a hell of a telling off"

Frodo visibly brightened-after all, there was always the slim chance that Legolas might snap and stab Aragorn in the eye with an arrow. Or was that a bit harsh? He thought about the predicament he was in. Never mind the eye, he wanted Legolas to stab Aragorn in the crotch with an arrow...

He realised that Sam had sat down at his side and was waiting patiently, looking a little bemused by the way Frodo was sitting eyes narrowed, staring into space. Frodo made a concerted effort to act normal.

"What am I going to do Sam?"

Samwise Gamgee knew about gardening, ale and elf folklore. Pregnancy in male hobbits wasn't really among his rather limited repertoire. He had absolutely no idea what Frodo should do but, despite Sam being an honest and good-natured hobbit he wasn't going to admit that. Oh no, the thought of Mr Frodo turning to him for advice and hanging on his every word...perhaps even feeling indebted to him...Sam felt the need to loosen his collar at the prospect of it and realised he'd been bouncing up and down in a rather inappropriate fashion. Luckily, Frodo didn't seem to have noticed.

In the absence of any answer from Sam, Frodo had started muttering to himself in a manner that Sam found rather disturbing. Particularly since he managed to clearly discern the words 'stubble, 'Anduril' and 'arse'. However, Sam wasn't too disturbed to forget about taking the moral high ground.

"So", he began, attempting to keep his voice casual but disapproving, "you and Aragorn...?"

"Mmm...", Frodo grimaced, "I don't know what me and Pippin were thinking real-"

"YOU AND PIPPIN?!?"

Sam was aghast, partly because he'd realised this meant Pippin could also be pregnant, but mostly because if Frodo was going to ask anyone to have a sordid threesome with him it should really be Sam. Not that he was jealous or anything. Definitely not. Nope, he was just concerned that Frodo's honour had been called into question. Yes, that was it. Sam paused, baffled by the slightly insane leaps of his own logic. And to think that he'd always been the sensible, rational one. It didn't bode well.

"So, let me get this straight. You, and Aragorn and Pippin had a..." Too embarassed to say the word, Sam made a complicated and confusing(as well as rather obscene) hand gesture to illustrate his point. Luckily, Frodo got the gist of it.

"Yes, that's right. No, don't look at me like that Sam- he's quite appealing in the dark and he's very good if you get my drift" Frodo winked at him.

"and Pippin?"

Frodo looked puzzled.

"I was talking about Pippin". Then he noticed the look on Sam's face and decided to change the subject.

"You have to help me Sam"

Make no mistake about it, Sam was royally pissed off. However, at the sight of Frodo's big blue eyes filling up with tears he relented. Damn manipulative Frodo, Sam couldn't resist him. He leaned in and wrapped his arms around Frodo, making soothing noises.

Frodo was feeling rather pleased with himself. If this was going to be the reaction every time he pulled one of his pregnancy mood swings have to do it more often.

"Now", Sam said, "lets think about this. When are you due?"

"Errm...", Frodo wiped his nose on his sleeve and thought about it, "july?"

Sam positively beamed.

"But that's plenty of time! You'll see Mr Frodo, we'll get rid of the ring and then we'll get you to Lord Elrond before you're due and he'll help you deliver it and then you'll be back in the shire before you know it"

Despite Sam's quite over exaggerated show of completely unfounded optimism, Frodo was steadfastly refusing to be cheered up.

"But what if I die delivering it? What if the ring isn't destroyed by the time I'm due? What will the people back home say when I get home with a baby?"

The smile on Sam's face became a little forced.

Frodo hiccuped miserably. He'd only actually been saying these things as a way of getting more hands-on comfort out of Sam. But now he'd realised that all his questions were in fact entirely pertinent and that he'd just succeeded in depressing himself again.

Sam, upset his little pep talk hadn't worked, was sitting anxiously chewing on his lower lip.

It was into this cheery scene that Aragorn now stumbled, out of breath and nursing a stubbed toe. It was clear from the look on his face that he had now realised that whatever he'd just run away from was a whole lot better than the possibilities this offered.

The future king of men didn't have long to wait before an irate Frodo jumped to his feet and hurled himself at him with evil intent. Aragorn's last coherent thought before the angry furry bundle reached him was that it was in this sort of situation that you you were struck by the sheer inconvenience of hobbits being crotch height.




Well, there we go. Chapter 4 will be the fellowship reaching Lothlorien.