Disclaimer: Tolkien owns the characters, I just borrowed them…can I keep Aragorn? Pleeease? Oh…

Chapter 5

With little to no mishaps coming out of Mirkwood, the Fellowship continued on to the Mines of Moria.

"Are the mines haunted Gandalf?" Pippin asked, and promptly got elbowed in the gut.

"Shut up Pippin! Can't you see Gandalf is concentrating?" Merry whispered.  Pippin looked hard at Gandalf. 

"Is there a certain expression for a concentrating wizard Merry?"

As the mines drew ever closer, the arguments started up again.

"Why do we have to go into that dank place? It smells and the atmosphere will ruin my hair!"

"Shut up Elf! Look upon the mines in wonder.  See all that they give, be amazed at the workmanship." Legolas snorted.

"Workmanship? Pah! The only workmanship I can see is a crudely carven door.  With no handle.  I applause the dwarves!" And at this, Legolas clapped his hands together once, and let them drop back to his side.

Gandalf turned to face them and held up a hand.  "Stop!" He looked around, poked a rock with his staff, and beckoned them to "Carry on!" Sam looked to Frodo.

"Do you think Gandalf is losing it, Mister Frodo?" Frodo merely shrugged and followed the wizard.  At the rear of the Fellowship, Boromir was trying to get Aragorn to give him one of the elves addresses.

"Come on man.  I look for a wife! Surely you would not deny me the pleasure of waking up each morning to a loving homely atmosphere?"

"Boromir! I have asked Arwen to ask around.  Now will you please stop bothering me?" Aragorn said, then hurried up to the front of the group, and conversed with Gimli.

"Yes, you see that bit of the mine there?" Gimli pointed to a large rock.  Aragorn squinted to see it.

"You mean that one there?"

"No! That one over there!"

"Oh…what about it?"

"That was put there by my great, great, great, great…"

Around about an hour later…you can never be too certain about the time in Middle Earth…the Fellowship arrived at the door to the Mine.  The moonlight came down, highlighting the runes on the door.  Gandalf ran a hand over the door.

"You won't find a door handle there, Gandalf.  You need a special password." Gimli stated.  Gandalf turned to the dwarf. 

"Master Gimli.  I do know these things.  I am a wizard you know." Gandalf's eye twinkled again.  Pippin poked Merry. 

"Look Merry! Gandalf's eye went shiny again!"

"Peregrin Took! Unless you have something constructive to say, say nothing at all!" Gandalf said to the young hobbit, but his eye still twinkled. 

"Gandalf, can you do that with both eyes?"

"I…what?!"

"It must be very good for reading in bed…"

"Be silent Peregrin! You shall be sent to Coventry unless you cease this endless chatter!"

"But Gandalf! I don't know where Coventry is!"

"It means no-one will be allowed to talk to you."

"Oh.  Well that's silly now, isn't it!" Pippin said.  Merry gave him a 'shut up you fool' look, and Pippin was silent.  Gandalf raised his head, as if inspecting the air.

"Ah that's better.  Keep it like that for a while Master Peregrin." Gandalf said.  Then he whacked his staff on the door.  The door creaked, rattled, nearly fell off its hinges, but didn't.  The wizard gave it a good kick, still nothing. 

After trying numerous things, Gandalf gave up and sat on a rock, muttering "Oh its useless." Merry ambled over to the door.  A big round button a few inches above his head was calling out to him.    'PRESS ME!' So Merry did the only thing he could do…he pressed it.  A loud chiming was heard from deep within, followed by someone shouting "Just a minute!".  Gandalf glared at Merry.  Aragorn and Boromir drew their swords, Gimli readied his axe, and Legolas dropped his bow.  The hobbits drew closer to each other.  They believed in safety in numbers.  The door was flung open with considerable force, and a dark shape looked out. 

"Yes?" Seeing the Fellowship, he said, "Mary-Sue exterminators?" The nine companions nodded as one, and lowered their weapons.  "Through here." The dark shape stepped aside, and allowed the Fellowship to enter the mine.  As they passed it, they realised that the dark shape was, in fact, a Balrog. 

"Don't mind Basil.  He's as soft as they come.  Raising a family in here don't you know?" Gandalf said, as Aragorn and Boromir kept a hand on the hilt of their swords. 

Basil lead them through a long passage, short passage to him, and stopped outside a door labelled 'Betty's rwm. Keyp awt!'.  Basil looked pointedly at them. 

"My daughter's room.  She's going through her teenage years.  Doesn't want to be Daddy's little girl anymore!" He sniffled and knocked on the door.  "Darling? Betty! You have to come out so the exterminators can do their job…Betty?" Basil opened the door slowly.  Aragorn, who was in front, much to the annoyance of Gandalf, craned his neck to see past Basil.  He was shocked at what he found.  Betty, a mini Balrog, was sitting on her rock bed, plaiting the hair of a very unlucky Mary-Sue.  Looking over to one of the corners of  the room, he saw the rest of the girls holding onto one another, quivering in fear. 

"Betty! Stop playing with the vermin and get out of your room so the exterminators can exterminate these…things!"

"But Daddy! I was doing her hair! Its not fair! I want hair!" Betty screamed, and stomped out of her room, heading off to the kitchen to "Tell Mum I want to have a lock on my door!".  Basil sighed. 

"The sad thing is, I have three more daughters and two sons yet to go through this!"

"Err…yes.  I know how you feel! I have to put up with Legolas and Gimli's constant bickering!" Aragorn said, and attempted to pat Basil's shoulder.  Basil raised a flaming eyebrow at the man. 

"You mean the dwarf and the elf? Teenagers are worse, believe me.  You'll see when you and that lovely daughter of Elrond have children." At Aragorn's shocked expression, he went on to explain how fast gossip travels in this part of Middle Earth.

"We cannot waste anymore time!" Gimli stated.  Gandalf nodded.

"You are right Gimli.  How shall we go about doing this?"

"How about using bait?" Boromir suggested.

"An exellent idea!" Gandalf said.  "What can we use?"

"This!" Gimli shouted, and pushed Legolas into the room.

"Gimli! I am not a 'this'! I am an elf.  Get used to the wor-ARGH!" Legolas was cut off as a Mary-Sue attached herself to his lips.  Everyone, save Legolas, turned to Boromir.

"Now what?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"You're the one who came up with the bait idea."

"That doesn't mean I had a plan!"

"I have an idea…" Pippin piped up.  And went ignored.

"What was the point of suggesting using Legolas as bait, if you didn't have a fully planned out plan?"

"First off, I didn't suggest using the elf, it was Gimli.  If its anyone's fault, its his!"

"Don't bring me down with you Boromir!"

Pippin shrugged and walked into the room.  Using the handle of his sword, he knocked each and every girl out cold.  The one on the elf's lips was left until last, just because "It made a hilarious scene!".

Pippin cupped his hands over his mouth. "I've done it! We can send them back now!"

Everyone turned to him, astonished. 

"Did you really do that Pip?" Asked an amazed Merry.  Pippin nodded. 

"I did!" Gandalf pushed Pippin aside. 

"I will take over thank you.  Aragorn! Get this elf out into the fresh…err…fresher air!" Aragorn nodded and, with help from Boromir, he dragged the elf outside.  The rest of the Fellowship and Basil left Gandalf to the task of cleaning up 'Pippin's mess'. 

The Fellowship were invited to stay for a cup of tea.  Belinda, Basil's wife of 23 years, was serving them enormous slices of chocolate cake.  The hobbits' eyes gleamed at the sight of food and Pippin was heard to say to Merry, "Your eyes are all shiny now!". 

"Gandalf, I must thank you once again for getting rid of those things.  They were distracting Betty from her homework.  She is forever getting in trouble for not doing enough."

Gandalf nodded.  "All in a day's work.  Legolas, are you done yet?" The elf was standing on a stool over the kitchen sink, scrubbing his mouth with Belinda's pan scourer.  

"I'll never get the foul taste out of my mouth!" He complained. 

"Gandalf, we have to get going.  Haldir sent a runner to Elrond, who sent a runner to me, saying that there are yet more girls to get rid of in Lothlorien." Aragorn said, and sipped his tea.  Boromir banged his fist on the table.

"No! Sorry about that Mrs. Balrog, didn't mean to startle you."

"That's quite alright dear." Belinda said, mopping up her spilt tea.  Boromir smiled and continued.

"We should go to my city! The threat of Mary-Sues is ever growing! My brother has nightmares of them taking over Gondor!"

"Boromir! Lothlorien is on the way to Gondor.  It is easier to stop at Lothlorien first, then go to Gondor!" Aragorn said.  Gandalf nodded.  Pippin looked up from his chocolate cake.  

"Gandalf! You've been nodding a lot recently!"

"Wipe your mouth Peregrin!" Gandalf told him.  Pippin was silent for the rest of the chapter.  "In answer to Boromir and Aragorn, we must let the ring bearer decide." Merry nudged Sam. 

"Isn't this bit meant to have been before the mines?" Sam thought about that and nodded.  Frodo was still thinking. 

"Well, I think it would make life a lot easier if we do what Aragorn suggests.  I mean, there isn't much point in going to Gondor first and then turning back to go back to Lothlorien."  Aragorn grinned triumphantly, while Boromir sulked and muttered, "Fine…do what the ranger wants. The heir to the stewardship of Gondor doesn't matter."

"Ranger?! Heir of Isildur thankyouverymuch!"  Before the argument could get any worse, Basil stood up…

"Wasn't it nice of Basil to show us the way out?" Legolas said, chewing a stalk of mint he had picked from the side of the path.  "The only reason he did that was to stop these men breaking out into a fight.  Honestly, you two are as bad as Legolas and Gimli." Sam said.

"Hey!" The dwarf and elf said together.  Aragorn and Boromir refused to look at each other.  Frodo sighed.

"Well, looks like another normal journey for us then…"

Don't even ask when the next chapter will be out, but DO review this one! *Grins*