CHAPTER FIVE: For Ra's sake, just pull the f!*# over!

"Okay," Seto said, gesturing at the map. Everyone leaned over their seats and attempted to peer over Seto's shoulder. Everyone except Yugi, of course, who just slumped down in his set and began muttering. Miho, who was sitting next to him, distinctly heard the words 'short', 'shrimpy', and 'kill'.

"According to the map, Magic Pickle Industries lies somewhere up….there." He poked his finger a good five inches above the top of the map, into thin air.

"What d'ya mean accordin' to the map?" Joey asked indignantly, "It's not even on the map!"

"Well, yeah," Seto agreed sheepishly, "But it was. I sort of….lost the top fifth of the map."

"You what?" Duke asked dangerously.

"Don't worry," Seto assured everyone, "I can still get us there. I think," he added under his breath.

"You better hope so," Malik said dangerously, aiming his rod at the back of Seto's head.

"Would you put that damn thing away?" Bakura growled, "You almost poked me in the eye with that."

"Fuck you. Apologize to me right now, or you'll be cleaning my royal ra-damned toilets once I'm pharaoh," Yami Malik threatened, taking control of the body.

"Hey! Watch your mouth and comb your hair!" Mai yelled back, her eyes never leaving the imaginary portion of the map Seto was gesturing at.

"You! You annoying little hussy, you will be my serving wench!"

"Oh, can it, you megalomaniac," Serenity yawned, turning her discman up, "You yami freaks are really starting to get on my nerves."

"Wow," Duke commented in awe, "She can talk." He edged away from Mai and began ogling Serenity.

"Playa," Bakura coughed.

"Toilet cleaner," Duke retorted, then cringed as Bakura held up the Millenium Ring.

"Let's see how witty you are…..in the Shadow Realm," Bakura threatened, the ring glowing.

"I think not," Yami intoned, emerging from the Puzzle, "You have met your match, Tomb Robber."

"Fine," Yami Malik said, "You can both scrub toilets."

"Ha!" Yami said scornfully, "Don't you remember, Mr. Malik Megalomaniac? Ancient Egypt does not have indoor plumbing!"

"Well, I'm gonna fucking invent it," Yami Malik screamed, trying to rise in his anger. Unfortunately, his seatbelt was still buckled. The end result was not very dignified.

"You? Invent anything useful? I'd find that amusing….." Yami mocked, as Bakura's ring targeted Duke.

"Help me," Duke whimpered.

"OBLITER—" Yami began, spreading his fingers and holding his palm out towards Bakura.

"THAT'S IT! NEW RULE!" Mai yelled, turning back, "No more Yamis in the van! Now, all of you, get back in your little soul rooms and stay there!"

"But….." Yami Malik whimpered.

"No buts!" Mai intoned dangerously.

"But he said…." Bakura whined.

"Not another word!"

"Yes'm" The three ancient spirits retreated to their soul rooms, all looking very hurt. The hikaris regained control of their own bodies.

"I feel as though entire days are missing from my life," Ryou commented.

"Don't sweat it," Joey called back, "That was just the hot dogs."

Yugi reached back and slapped the sleeping Anzu across the face.

"Ow!" she shrieked, waking up, "What was that for, Yug?"

Yugi shrugged, embarrassed. "Everyone else was doing it. It looked like fun. Sorry."

"Okay, Kaiba," Mai said, returning her attention to Seto's imaginary map piece, "What were you saying?"

"It should be down here somewhere," Seto explained, pointing to the legend in the bottom corner of the map."

"But you just said it was up there!" Tristan protested.

"Yeah, well…..these things have a way of metamorphosing," Seto explained.

"Right," Mai said sarcastically, "I suppose in five minutes the place'll be in the glove compartment, right?"

Seto looked at Mai as though she were a moron. "Yeah," he said, "Because, you know, glove compartment, Magic Pickle Industries Corporate Headquarters compartment. Easily confused."

"I have an idea," Serenity said, wiping Duke's drool off her shoulder daintily, "Why don't we pull over and ask for directions?"

"We don't need directions!" Seto insisted, "I know where we're going!"

"Typical doofus of the male species," Mai commented.

"Shut UP, you blond bimbo!" Seto screeched.

"Oh, quit being a prick and lighten up," Mai insisted.

"Big brother?" Mokuba asked, "What's a prick?"

"Uh….It's a special kind of lawyer," Seto invented, sticking a Sesame Street CD in the bus's player and headphones in Mokuba's ears.

"Lawyer?" Tristan asked, "I thought it was a—"

"SHHH!" Seto hissed, turning the volume up on Mokuba's CD.

"Look!" Ryou said, "There's a café! We can grab something to eat and get directions."

"Fine," Seto said, "But I'm telling you, we don't need directions. I know where we're going!" He pulled into the café's parking lot and shut off the ignition. He pulled the headphones out of Mokuba's ears and said, "Okay, Mokuba, we're gonna get some food. You can go to the bathroom now, too."

"Oh, that's okay, big brother," Mokuba said cheerfully, "I don't have to go anymore."

"I'm not going to pursue that," Seto said grimly, "Lets go, everyone."

And so our heroes entered the café by the side of Highway 413450023 (Highway 41 for short). They sat down along the bar, making quite an impressive-looking array of half-crazed (in certain cases, fully crazed) teenagers. "Can I get you anything?" a cheerful blond waitress asked, wiping the bar counter with a pink rag.

"No," Seto rolled his eyes, "We just like to sit in cafés. We read the menus for entertainment."

"Oh," the waitress said apologetically, "Well, then, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave. Only paying customers inside, please."

"I was being sarcastic," Seto pointed out, while Joey salivated over the pictures of steaks and sandwiches in the menu.

"Is that a religion?" the waitress asked dumbly.

"For him it is," Mai replied, "Now do us a favor, honey, and get us some chow, huh?"

"Sure!" the waitress whipped out her handy dandy clipboard, "What can I get for you?"

While Joey proceeded to order the entire menu, Mokuba had found some coloring mats and a bucket of multi-colored markers. He was coloring in a picture of a clown holding a bunch of balloons, while Tristan watched him wistfully.

"Any more of those left?" he finally asked.

"Sure!" Mokuba smiled, "I'll get you some!" he jumped up and ran to a little table across the room. He returned with a coloring mat for everyone at the bar. For lack of anything better to do, the eleven teenagers began coloring their clowns with an odd sort of earnest concentration.

"I'm giving him pink shoes," Joey announced, as Seto carefully traced the balloon strings with a red marker, his tongue protruding from the corner of his mouth. "That's silly," Tristan pointed out, filling in the clown's irises with a bright blue marker, "Everyone knows clowns wear red shoes."

"Well, my clown is different!" Joey insisted.

"Markers are fun!" Ryou exclaimed, drawing curly clouds on the background of his picture.

"Mine has a yellow nose!" Anzu said proudly, displaying her work.

Duke slapped Anzu across the face with his left hand as he colored a balloon green with his right.

"Stupid bitch," he noted, "Clowns have red noses."

"Your food is here!" the happy blond waitress announced, setting plates down in front of each of them, and setting up another table next to Joey to accommodate all of his food. She noticed Mokuba's clown mat.

"Hey, little boy," she said in a sugary voice, "Do you want to enter the coloring contest?"

"Okay!" Mokuba said, as the eleven teenagers all dropped their forks and began listening with rapt attention.

"Just hand it to me when you're all done coloring it, and I'll give it to my boss. He's judging them all tonight. In one more hour, he's going to pick a winner. The ten best pictures will be displayed in the window, and the number one best colorer will get a free ice cream cone."

"Okay," Mokuba said, filling in one last balloon and handing it to the waitress.

"I'm gonna win the coloring contest!" Mai squealed excitedly.

"Back off, bitch," Serenity growled, "That ice cream is mine."

"I'll buy you ice cream, Serenity," Duke offered.

"No!" Serenity pouted, "I want to win my ice cream."

"Too bad," Seto observed, "Because I'm going to take first place."

"Uh…..I don't wish to offend any of you," Miho said, "But I do believe my drawing will win first place."

"Not a chance," Tristan said, "I love you, but you're goin' down."

"Yeah," Ryou said, "To me."

"'OO 'eanh me!" Joey said through a mouthful of potatoes, accidentally spattering his clown with butter.

"As if," Duke scoffed, "I'm gonna wun the ice cream for Serenity."

"I will win," Anzu said, "Because mine is more creative."

"It also sucks," Yugi pointed out, "I'm gonna win. And you know why?"

"Why?!" everyone glared daggers at Yugi.

"Because," Yugi said, and gestured to the fine print at the bottom of the clown mat he had nearly finished coloring.

"CONTEST OPEN TO CUSTOMERS AGED 3-10" the bottom proclaimed in small letters.

"Shit," Duke observed.

"And I," Yugi said smugly, "Am the only one of us here who can still pass for a ten-year-old."

"What about Mokuba?" Seto pointed out smugly, "And besides, money is very persuasive."

"Look!" Yugi pointed to more fine print that said, "NO BRIBING THE JUDGES, PLEASE."

"Shit," Seto observed, "Well, what about Mokuba? He's a lean, mean, coloring machine."

"You're right," Yugi said, "Time to go Bond."

He ducked down behind the counter and waited for the blond waitress bearing the coloring mats to pass by again. Finally, she stopped at a nearby table to refill a coffee pot. Yugi crawled over to her and carefully sifted through the papers she held down by her side. When he found one bearing Mokuba's name, he quickly found where Mokuba had written his age as 9 and added a one in front of it so it said 19. He slipped back to his stool and resumed coloring his mat, humming Bond music under his breat.

About twenty minutes later, the waitress returned and announced that the winner of the coloring contest had been decided.

"The winner is Yugi Motuo. Yugi, where are you?"

Yugi stepped forward, smiling proudly. The waitress smiled indulgently at him and got down to her knees. "I'm sorry, kiddo," she said, "But you're not old enough to enter this contest."

"But I'm ten!" Yugi insisted.

The waitress showed him his mat, where the 0 had been crossed out in 10, leaving only a 1.

"The winner by default," the waitress said, "is Mokuba Kaiba!"

"What?!" Yugi asked, looking at Mokuba's mat.

His age had been untouched.

"How?" Yugi was flabbergasted. [A/N: How does one gast a flabber?]

Mokuba looked at Yugi scornfully. "That picture you altered was a decoy. I waited until the last minute to turn in my real masterpiece, and to sabotage yours." He laughed evilly.

"But….I was going to win," Yugi said sadly, "I had my age worked out and everything." Tears began in his eyes, and he turned angrily to Mokuba, who was happily slurping on a huge ice cream cone, "I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you, ya meddling kid!"

Mokuba just smiled sweetly, accentuating his newly acquired ice cream colored mustache.

*~*~*

When everyone had piled back in the bus, Mai looked at Seto expectantly.

"So," she said, "Did you get directions?"

"Of course!" Seto said, "Not that we needed them."

"So?" she asked, "which way do we go?"

Seto pulled out the map and began gesturing at it. "We'll take a route through here, go behind here, head through here, and then go directly up our own asses."