Buffy,
You're gone. I can't believe it and I can't say it yet, but it's true. And
it's my fault. I left you when you needed me the most. I should have stayed
after your mother's funeral, even when you told me to go, but as usual, we
let what's right get in the way we wanted. And now it's too late and I'm
left here with the knowledge that I might have been able to prevent this.
You're everything to me, even now. Not a day, not a minute, has gone by
since graduation day that I haven't regretted leaving Sunnydale. It hurts.
Doing the right thing hurts. I've lived a long time. It kills me that you
weren't allowed to live even a quarter of the time I have. But then I think
of what you accomplished in that short period and I'm so proud of you. I
wish I had been there, that night. I wish I had been there for all of the
nights. My fondest memories in over two hundred and seventy years, are of
our times together. You let me love you, you loved me in return. Loving you
was the smartest thing I ever did, the most wonderful feeling a person
could experience, second to only to being loved by you. I can still feel
how my heart lightened when you would smile at me. You had the ability to
make all my pain disappear. I wish I could have done the same in return.
Your death is my biggest failure. I hope you know I never stopped loving
you, that I always had hopes that someday it would work out for us. Right
now I'm working on just making it to tomorrow. I miss you, more than I
possibly thought I could. We've been so apart for so long, as lovers and as
friends, and this is still so much different. I've felt remorse and guilt
for all of the horrible things I've done, and none of it even compares to
the deep, sick feeling pitted in my stomach. I've been keeping away from
your friends. They don't talk to me, we haven't actually come face to face
yet, but I think they know I'm here. Spike does. Faith was released from
prison and sent back to Sunnydale. They aren't going to call another
Slayer. She's doing well. She's quiet now. The news hit her hard, but she's
holding it together. I can't end this letter. When I do, you'll really be
gone, and that's impossible for me to grasp. You changed my life. Anything
good I have is a direct result of having known you. Anything wonderful I
have is a result of being loved by you. You're still my girl, Buffy, Now
and Always. I love you.
--Angel
--Angel
