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Note: oh the things I do for fan fics. I got one review thanx much …… and it told me I should forget about the AHP and write the next chapter, so here I am writing chapter 11, or the real chapter 11 sorry about the error.
Memory Lapse
Chapter 11 'Humanity is Relative'
~~~~~~` Heero
I was getting ready to leave in a few days, though I really could have left a week ago. I certainly was well enough, but I was being threatened by four pilots at once and even if I was sure I could take them I didn't want to leave just yet. I was a little confused about Duo's behavior. He'd been unusually silent towards me since the conversation we'd had about Relena. I don't exactly understand it. He didn't even laugh when Wufie pulled his Katana on me when I threatened to jump out the window, though I recall him finding such things funny. I was serious about the window, but I was just as sure Wufie was going to cut off my arm if I tried.
I rotated my shoulder and smiled when I felt no pain. I hadn't felt pain in it for at least half the week, but after being with it for so long it's nice to bask in the glow of health. I admit, though never to their faces that I might have needed to extra rest, but while I've been out there has been a lot going on. Even if the faction of Oz turned out to be rouge and completely unconnected to anybody else I wanted to be there to interrogate the prisoners. I wanted to; strangely enough see the bodies of those I'd killed. Their deaths were different than any I remembered from before. I remember every detail of every person I ever killed, but all of them I'd meant to kill except for four, the little girl and her dog and the three members of Oz. It's funny how my thoughts are so bisected leaving me thinking of myself as two people.
It's true in some ways. I'm not the Heero I was neither am I the man who lost his memory. I'm in between the two and it seems as if I'm more lost than before.
"So you're packing up then. It's nice to see you when you're not threatening to escape by going through the ceiling tiles or jumping out the four story window."
I turned to the doorway to see Quatre walking into the room. He smiled a little and sat in the chair nearest me. "I am that is if Duo doesn't try to stop me again. I have a few thinks I want to talk care of before going back to official duty at the base." I zipped up my bag and tossed it over my shoulder.
"I don't think he will. Heero are you going to tell her goodbye?"
I stiffen slightly and hope he doesn't catch it, but I know he has. It's the way he looks at me when I turn around. None of them know that I've already been to see her, that I already told her goodbye, if I go again; see her face I don't know what will happen. It's scary. I've never been scared but I'm scared of her. "No, I don't think I have any reason to."
"I think you do."
I want to yell at him as he says this but I remain neutral as I stare back, "I don't need to do anything but get out of here and back to work. The vice foreign minister doesn't need my assistance any longer."
"Have you forgotten that she also saved you?"
I turn again this time to see Duo. So he's finally speaking to me.
"You may have saved her in the beginning and in the end, but without her you would have been dead, lying in a heap of blood and flesh if she hadn't hauled you to your feet and dragged you to safety. She could have saved herself, run for help, but she refused to leave your side, now you're walking away from her when she needs you most," Duo's face hardened and he frowned, "you selfish bastard."
I feel the anger building inside me at his words and it's mostly because he's right on some level. If it wasn't for her I'd be dead, but he doesn't know that I've already said my peace. I have nothing else to say. I know what I feel and I know what I can act on. Its logic and precision not love. I know what matter in the long run, what I have always lived by no matter what my newly gained knowledge contradicts. My instinct is always stronger and my instinct says to go. I'm not even going to talk to him.
I start to push past him but he grabs my shoulder his eyes smoldering as I look into their depths. "Don't do this Heero," he pleads, "you know why you can't do this. Just except it. It's not an imperfection, okay it's being human and we've already had this conversation. You're human Heero, flesh and blood that can be shot, injured, and tired. You're not as invincible as you think."
I shrugged him off angry at myself for sticking around and listening to his useless drabble. I have things to do, things more important than considering my humanity. Humanity never did anything for me.
~~~~`
"You're not a monster."
~~~~`
Four little words almost brought my resolve tumbling around me. She'd told me this before at the end of the first war and after Mariemaya. I'd never believed her or I'd never wanted to or let myself believe it. There were times when I thought it impossible, but she'd made me believe that there was more. She'd made me care. Whether she realized it or not her saving me that week wasn't the first time. She'd saved me with her love, and kindness. It wasn't just the compassion she'd showed toward me, but to everyone. She'd made me realize I had a soul and even if I knew I tainted it was it is a gift I can never repay her for. All I can do is let her get on with her life whether I love her or not, because when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter if I care for her.
I believe my words as I shrug away from Duo and Quatre and start down the hall. I have to take shallow breaths as I pass her room, silent and dark, but I don't stop. I don't even say goodbye. I don't have anything to say, because Duo is partly right, but so am I.
~~~~~~```
"I can't believe he left!" Duo raged as he slammed his
fist into onto the metal of the launch hanger as he watched Heero's Gundam
disappear through the skylight overhead.
"I thought for sure he'd stay that…" He trailed off and turned to
Quatre. "Was I crazy to think he had a
heart?
Quatre merely shrugged,
"Heero's problems can't be fixed by a mere change of perspective. He thinks for whatever reason that Relena is
better off without him."
"Well he's wrong," Duo slapped his fist onto the metal again not even winching at the smack that resounded around him. "I heard it in him Quatre, the want and the happiness, yes it was creepy, I admit that, but it was more than that. I've never seen Heero so sure or even happy than when he told me he loved her, but I don't know… He told me he was a killer. He told me he was a monster."
"Until he realizes that it's not true he's not going to come back, and even if he does he probably won't come back." Quatre shook his head. "You can't change him, he has to change himself."
"Why do you have to be all philosophical about everything," Duo grumbled. "If I had it my way I'd beat the sense into him and then give Relena a bat so she could help me."
Quatre chuckled, "Well Heero will be back again in a few weeks you just might get your chance," he softened for a moment, "as for Relena…" He trailed off. Things weren't looking good for the vice foreign minister.
~~~~~~~~```` Relena
I knew I was dreaming, or at least I thought I was dreaming. I remembered getting out of the forest, I remembered being rescued, Duo, and Quatre, I remembered it all but yet he was looking over me again. His face was contorted into an almost inhuman expression his lips curled back and his teeth alarmingly pointed bearing down on me. I could see his fist raised. He was going to hit me again. I clenched my eyes shut and waited for the blow. It was a dream though right, a dream. It didn't come and when I opened my eyes again I was in the prison. They'd taken my clothes and I dived to my knees in an attempt to cover myself.
The air was chilly causing goose bumps to pop up all over my body making a fierce chill race up my spine. I start to shake and then I hear his voice again. He's coming for me and I back away my body smacking against the far wall but I can't fall far enough into the shadows to conceal myself. I can see him looking for me the smile on his face, I remember his threats and remember the threats of the others and I start to shake. Maybe this isn't a dream, maybe the rescue was a dream and I'm trapped here for the rest of my life and Heero is dead.
As he came closer his mouth curled into a smile and I was convinced that it had all been a dream. I was stuck here. I felt the tears coming before I could stop them. I couldn't talk; I wouldn't talk, no matter what they did to me, if they even wanted information anymore. He laughed as he opened the prison door and stalked toward me. I shook he laughed.
"What's the matter Relena not happy to see me?"
I turned my head and tried to will him to go away but he continued to come closer and it was all I could do to keep myself from screaming.
~~~~~~~```` Heero
There was a nice breeze ruffling my hair as I stood stock still with my hands in my pockets. It had been a long time since I'd been out in the sun. My captures had been very strict on that aspect afraid that I was going to run off, and in all honesty I would have. I didn't know why I was here.
I looked at my feet and across the short grass to the stone pillar rose up and connected across the sidewalk just to my right. It read 'Oak Ridge Cemetery'. I didn't know anyone that was buried here and even anyone that would be buried here. For some reason I stood there looking over the ridge at all the tombstones and felt a deep emptiness swelling in my stomach. I was completely confused and for the first time in my life I didn't know what to do. I didn't even have options to choose between there's nothing but this feeling and me standing in front of a graveyard yard. Sometimes I think I'm searching, but for what I don't know.
Okay even if it doesn't seem like it this story to winding down and almost done in fact I think we're talking about only two more chapters. I know what you're thinking how does this lead to an end, but it does have a little faith.
