Disclaimer: I own nothing

Memory Lapse

Chapter 13 'Disconnected'

~~~~~ Heero

I jerked the controls on my Gundam violently and narrowed my eyes as I completed the complicated maneuver.  The Gundam appeared upright again after a series of turns and twists as well as blasts from an empty cannon.  I was breathing hard feeling the sweat in my pores running down the planes of my face and dripping onto my neck.  I looked through the window where my view of the world was held.  The day was bright, the sky light blue and filled with fluffy clouds.  All around me, I was sure it was bright.  I breathed deeply choking for a moment as I sucked in another breath and breathed out slowly. 

            The world was beginning to look up right again losing the straight lines of battle vision and fading into the more abstract and curving lines of nature.  I had only one way of releasing excess energy and frustration.  I flew my Gundam until I felt better.  Sometimes I'd spend hours outside completing new maneuvers that I'd thought up.  Recently I'd been out everyday, sometimes during the time I was scheduled to work.  I'm behind on reports, distant, and distracted, I am less than myself and I'm still observant enough to know I'm not the only one who has noticed.  Lady Une had tracked me down just the other day and grilled him on the latest field report I had once again failed to turn in.  It wasn't like I'd forgotten to do it.  I knew it was due, knew what I was going to write, yet I'd let the due date pass without much thought and here I was again breathing hard and wondering why everything was suddenly chaotic. 

            My breathing had calmed down and already I could feel the sweat drying on my skin making clammy and cold.  Shaking I head, I felt my damp locks un plaster themselves from my forehead and fall in further disarray around my head.  It was time to head back.  I felt a dull ache in my muscles as he turned toward home again.  The adrenaline was wearing off and I hadn't realized it until this moment that had been so tense during the work out.  I rolled my neck experimentally trying to work the settling stiffness out.  I let my arms fall a little slack as I headed for the base barely touching the controls with the tips of my fingers.  I let the roar of the Gundam's engines calm me as I felt the vibrations of the machine pulsing beneath my feet.

            Within moments it's in sight and I go over the reentrance ritual giving the codes and pass words I've pacifically step.  Its may code, my security.  I don't even pay attention to it though all of it comes out in rehearsed tones and words.  The roof of the hanger slowly slides open and I flip a few switches before lowing myself to the floor of the hanger next to the other Gundams and mobile suits.  We don't use them much and in my case for special missions and when I feel like this.  Noticing the fact that I feel like anything is a new concept for me.  I try not to think about it.  I was always good at pushing things I didn't find important or even relevant to the back of my mind.  Pain was one of those things, emotion if I even had it was there as well, but now I find it harder to keep at bay.  Harder to ignore and harder even more to not think about her and why everything is so hard now. 

            I hit the ground with a slight jolt and turn off the engines and unbuckle my harness as I open the cot pit.  I step onto the metal hanger hoping for a shower before I have to go back to work, before I have to sit in front of my laptop and do nothing.  Work used to be a release but now it's a burden.  I run my fingers though my hair trying to straighten it, but it's impossible to do and I feel it lift back up after I try to flatten it.  My Preventer's dress shirt is sticking to my chest and the tie around my neck is loose. 

            "Lady Une's looking for you." 

            I turn quickly surprised that I was so distracted I didn't see or hear him come up behind me.  It makes me a little angry.  I snap at him before I realize I'm doing it, "what do you want." 

            Duo just gives me this look like I've said something stupid.  I believe I recall giving him the same one on more than one occasion.  "I told you Lady Une is looking for you.  She sent me to find you, about," he glances down at his watch, "an hour ago actually." 

            I sigh though I'm sure Duo doesn't notice.  My overall appearance doesn't shift from the movement.  I know what she wants, the report due today and the two others I'd failed to turn in.  I should meet her; I should already have them done.  I shouldn't be having this conversation.  "Tell her you couldn't find me." 

            I watch as Duo's brows shoot to his hair line and he looks as if he's about to be sick as he starts to cough.  I watch him for a moment as he calms down and starts to speak again.  "That sounds like one of my lines, now should I jump on you and drag you bodily to Lady Une's side or pull a gun on you?" 

            I narrow my eyes again and shake my head as he push past him.  I don't say anything else to say at the moment.  I'll head home and write the reports and find her later today and turn them in.  I don't need his lip and I know that he won't tell her.  If anything Duo's loyal. 

            "How long are you going to keep hiding?" He calls after me. 

            I ignore him again and hurry down the stairs realizing I'll have to forfeit my shower until I get home.  I don't like the sweat covered clothes sticking to my body.  I don't like the fact that I'm out of uniform.  I don't like that fact that the perfect soldier is no longer so perfect.  I don't like the fact that the order and simplicity of life is crashing down around me proving not only that life is not simple but completely and totally without order.  I especially don't like the fact that every time I see him he brings her up.  I hate even more than when he does I think about her still in the hospital still recovering.  I think about what I feel about her and how much it hurts me when I try to keep myself away.  I think about her eyes her smile, her warmth, her…  I just think about her and again I'm unable to finish my work and once again unable to think about anything but her.

~~~~~~~``` Relena

            Nod, smile, gracious rehearsed answer, nod, smile again, smile wider for picture, be upbeat, say good bye.  I watched the reporter leave with contempt boiling just under my skin.  I felt sick and shook my head when Noin looked into the room wanting to know if it was alright to let in another reporter.  I've seen a million of them today.  I told a thousand lies.  I don't want to do it again.  I shake my head no and lay down again feeling the weariness seep into my body again.  The makeup they've so statically placed on my face to hide the pale skin and purpled bruises and reddened cuts smears onto the white case and I want nothing more than to wash it off.  I feel bad enough as it is without the weight of it on my face and making me hot.  I run my hand over the back of my bound hair and tug it free.  It spills around my shoulders and I curl into myself ignoring the way my broken ribs protest or the way the gash on my leg pulses and aches. 

            "You've got three more Relena." 

            I don't look up as I hear Noin come back into the room.  She knows I'm tired, that I hurt more than just physically, yet she pushes mostly because this was my idea.  I don't want to do this anymore though.  Ten was enough.  Ten fake upbeat accounts of what happened.  I realized after looking at the first reporter that they had no real interest in my actual condition.  They didn't care that I was still emotionally scarred from the entire ordeal.  They didn't care that I had nearly died and it had scared me to death but I was able to show that, not to anyone.  They didn't want to hear that Heero and I had both nearly died.  They just wanted to know whether or not the rumors about the two of us were true.  They wanted to know if I wanted to men who had done this to me dead.  They wanted to know stuff that didn't matter and I didn't want to talk to them anymore. 

            "Tell them to go away," I sniffed as tears began to run down my cheeks though I could barely feel the hot droplets through the layers of makeup, "I don't feel like talking."

            "You're almost done." She says softly and I want to scream at her to understand.  I want her to know that I can't do it anymore.  I don't want to think about the faces that haunt my dreams or the nightmares I'm unable to pull myself out of. 

            "I don't care if I'm almost done.  I set this up I can turn them away.  I don't want to do another interview.  It's pointless as it is now."  I raise my voice as another sob escapes my throat and my ribs start to hurt worse than before.  I just curl up tighter and will the ache to stop though it doesn't. 

            "Alright," I hear her answer softly and before I know it she's gone again and I'm alone. 

            I almost want her back.  I hate being alone, but I told her to leave.  I've been like that a lot lately.  I don't seem to know what I want and worse than that my moods have been all over the place.  Sometimes I'm all right, happy, smiling, and then I'm crying and depressed.  I almost want to call for a psychologist to look at me.  I think I'm going crazy, or maybe all those blows to the head did what they were supposed to.  I spent another part of the day wondering whether or not I'm brain damaged.  Between all that and my sleep less nights I think about him. 

            Heero had been so different, yet in him he was the same man I had always known.  I think about the way he rescued me and the 'thank yous' he so willingly gave.  I remember the way he wrapped me in his arms on the way home, how good his warm body felt against mine.  I was pretty sure fever and exhaustion were running rampant over my system right about then.  In fact I didn't even remember getting back.  The last thing I remembered was his strong arms and soft voice.  I don't know what it was he was saying but it had soothed me and those arms I'd slept the only night since. 

            He hadn't come to see her.  I uncurled my body and got to my feet on still shaking legs and headed for the small bathroom.  I guessed that was what was bothering me more than anything.  I'd thought things had changed and in fact they had just not for the best.  The old Heero would have come to see me; the old Heero wouldn't be avoiding me.  I sniffed a little feeling slightly stupid at crying and in front of Noin no less.  Tears made me feel and look weak and that was something I didn't want to be.  I made it to the bathroom with a few stumbles while still clutching my ribcage.  When I reached the faucet I braced my weight on one arm firmly on the sink to steady myself and with the other I turned the water on.  I let it cascade over my fingers for a moment as I waited for the cold water to turn tepid and finally warm.  I pulled a white hospital towel off the rack beside my head and dipped it into water letting the material soak up the water. 

            Without looking in the mirror I wiped the makeup off my face and watched as the white cloth slowly stained a muddy peach brown.  When I was sure the worst of the make up was scrubbed off I looked in the mirror.  Every imperfection was present.  The bruises were bright and the cuts brighter still.  Some of them would scar I was sure of it.  Reaching a hand up to touch the reddened skin I wondered, even though I knew it was silly, if Heero would still want to look at me.  There was one particularly nasty cut running from my nose to the bottom of my cheek.  Even with makeup it had been noticeable.  Would it forever be a reminder, or would it be the cut on her thigh that scarred. 

            "What are you doing up?"

            I whirled around quickly immediately regretting it as a sharp pain raced up my chest and exploded over my entire rib cage making me gasp and crumple.  Noin who I had thought gone reached out and stopped me from hitting the floor though my knees were just above hitting the hard tile.  I gasped for a moment as I saw stars before I was able to stand again. 

            "I was coming back you should have waited for a minute." She scolded angrily.  "I had to tell the reporters you weren't feeling well.  It was hard to get them to go away.  I had to promise they could come back another day." 

            "Maybe I'll have time to slip into another coma." I whisper and I'm not sure whether I'm joking or not.  I was under and asleep for two weeks.  Two weeks of my life that I'll never get back.  Noin doesn't say anything as she helps me get back into bed and I feel myself loathing the confinement. 

            "Why are you doing this to yourself?" She asks after a moment. 

            I look at her for a moment and fray innocence, "what are you talking about?"

            "Why are you beating your self up over him?"

            I snort, "I'm not," and it's true.  I'm not like this because of him though he is part of it.  I had been almost tortured to death for information it has a way of changing you.  I'm bitter I admit it, but it doesn't change the way I feel.  I don't know if it's worth it anymore and more than that I'm scared.  I wonder whether or not I'm strong enough to keep my mouth shut if it happens again.  I remember my nightmares and the harsh laughter of those torturing me and don't know if I'll be able to stop myself from spilling everything.  I don't want to go though this again. 

            "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks softly pushing my hair out of my face and behind my ears. 

            "No," I choke but I do.  I want to talk about it but not with her.  Whether she realizes it or not, I look up to her.  She's a friend, yes, but first and for most we're in business together.  I'm not going to share my fears with her because I don't feel like I can let my guard down.  It's stupid and I know it yet I sit here feeling just as sad when she begins talking again, trying to cheer me up.  I smile and laugh because I want her here with me, but the emptiness in my soul refuses to leave. 

~~~~~``` Heero

            Typed and on her desk, though one is a two weeks late, the other just a week, and the last four days behind.  Given know it would be five days behind.  I had to break into her office to drop them off.  It wasn't that hard though after all I had designed the security system.  It was easy enough to crack.  It had taken me all night to complete them though.  I was unable to keep my thoughts from straying and I'd finally been able to get the facts out.  They weren't long, or perfect, but it was going to have to do for the time being.  Right now I could go home and sleep, or try to sleep.  I hadn't been sleeping well lately. 

            Duo called me again after I'd snuck off for home telling me what I already knew he'd done.  He'd covered for me and then told me he and Quatre, Wufie, and Trowa were going to see Relena.  I'd hung up on him then.  I didn't understand why he wasn't getting the picture.  I didn't want to see her and it was for my and her own good whether he understood that or not. 

            I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans and wondered how she was doing exactly.  She was in a coma for two weeks he knew and just woken up a week ago.  Her injuries were healing but he'd overheard conversation about her that was disturbing, aloof, angry, and sad.  He didn't want to believe that they were true but it always nagged at him.  He wondered how the meeting with the other Gundam pilots had gone tonight and whether or not she had missed him. 

~~~~~~```

            Duo didn't like to call it stalking, stalking was something you reserved for long legged brunettes with breast implants, no he was merely keeping a close eye on a friend.    So close even that he knew what he was up to all the time. Hilde had claimed he was glorifying it, he was a stalker.  Duo was trying to figure out a way to get Heero to go see Relena.  Once again Hilde had hounded him telling him it was none of his business and he was should keep out of his friends personal lives and stop playing matchmaker.  He'd had to correct again he wasn't 'playing matchmaker' he was merely making sure his friends desires were fulfilled.  They could thank him when they got married had kids and named their first child after him.  He smirked and peeked through the bushes again and came face to face with a set of Prussian blue eyes.  Duo yelped in surprise and stumbled backward hitting his head on the wall behind the row of bushes he was hiding behind. 

            "What are you doing Maxwell?" 

            It's hard to believe there was an almost sweet Heero lurking around inside the angry man before him.  This Heero, the cold calculated angry Heero he was facing now was a complete contrast.  Duo gulped and hoped the reward for his work wouldn't be another punch in the face.  "Hey Heero."

            Heero released his grip and pushed Duo away from him slightly.  "Why are you here?"

            Duo smirked, "Is that anyway to treat your friend?" 

            He only glared and Duo sighed, "Listen I was working late and saw you sneaking into Une's office.  I wanted to know what you were up to, that all." 

            Heero shifted for a moment as if he was contemplating something before speaking again.  This time his gaze was distant.  "How is she?"

            It was the first time Duo had heard Heero ask about Relena since his stay in the hospital.  It threw him and for a moment he couldn't say anything.  That seemed just long enough for Heero think he wasn't answering and turn around to leave. 

            Duo panicked, "not good." He blurted and immediately winced inwardly as Heero turned around.  Though his face was neutral Duo could tell he was worried.  "She slipped back into a coma this afternoon.  We didn't get to see her."  Heero wasn't doing anything as Duo watched him and he began to wonder what was going on in the pilots mind.     

            "I thought she was okay."

            Duo shrugged his shoulders.  "I don't know what happened, but the doctors say it doesn't look good." 

            Duo wasn't sure if he was seeing things or not but he was certain Heero looked stricken for a moment before he turned back around.  He seemed a little lost even and then the expression was gone and it was monotone expressionless Heero again.  "We didn't even get to see her."  Duo knows he's going to be murdered if Heero finds out he was lying but hopefully he'll be too distracted to care much.

~~~~~~``` Heero

            I don't know exactly what to think when Duo's finishing talking but I can't ignore the rush of panic that runs though me when he tells me she's back in a coma.  I thought she was going to be okay, I though everything was all right.  I don't know how to deal with the rush of emotion and it overwhelms me threatening to draw me under.  For a moment I think I going to drown. 

            "Heero?"

            I look at him and I know immediately at there's something on my face that gives away my feelings.  I try to push it back but it's hard.  It's never been so hard before.  I want to see her again despite my promises not to.  I want to see her despite what I might do.  I can't let her die and not see her once last time.  Swallowing hard I change course and head for the hospital.  It's actually not far from the base.  I ignore Duo's call for me as I leave him standing there. 

            With the moon still high in the night sky I stop just in front of the hospital.  Visiting hours are over, but I know where she's at and sneaking in won't be a problem.  I don't know what I'm doing as I sneak through the lobby and to the floor where she's at.  I try not to think at all until I'm at her door and I go in.  I see her immediately her pale and bruised skin reflecting the blue light of the moon. She looks as if she's sleeping peacefully but as I remember Duo's words I know it's not true.  This is a sleep she may never wake from and I can't help but feel it's my fault.  Was I so selfish to think bringing her back was enough to save her?  I didn't do enough for her before.  I couldn't remember how to help her.  It was my fault she was so sick.  Even though I had tried to keep her away from the fate I was sure to give her I'd failed.  Relena might just die and I would be the one who killed her.  I don't know what I'm doing as I stand in the doorway speechless my hands still shoved in my pockets.  What am I supposed to say to her?  Can she even hear me?  I take a step closer feeling as if so much depends on what I'm about to do.  I don't know I'm shaking until I'm by her side and I reach for her. 

            I watch my fingers shake involuntarily and I swallow hard and ball the shaking hand into a fist so tight that my knuckles whiten before I draw it back to my side.  My eyes rest on her face and her bright blond locks.  I remember the way she looked at me and begged me to get up.  She begged me to live.  Can I do the same for her?  I don't know if I can and the thought scares me even more. 

So one more chapter after this one and I'm back just like I promised.  Thanks to everyone who understood and you condolences are appreciated.  It's still hard but I do feel better.