Through the 'Rubber-Ass'

A/N: Born of the thought what would happen if my friends and I were some how transported in to the "Harry Potter" world. Not exactly Mary Sue but is self-insertion and that's different right? Give it a chance in any case! The name of the fic is kind of strange I know but don't worry it will make sense eventually!!! I promise!

Disclaimer: I do not own the concept, the books, the movies or the franchise/merchandise of "Harry Potter and co." There is no profit being made from this fic save the entertainment value to my friends, myself and hopefully you the readers!

Chapter One

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat in the Great Hall waiting as the Sorting Hat sang. The boys fidgeted impatiently each wanting this years sorting to be over so they could eat. Hermione on the other hand listened attentively to what the Hat had to say.

"Listen everyone new and old

And I'll sing you a story never told.

Enchantments, Myths and Legends tragic,

All reveal a long forgotten magick.

One without wands or incantation,

No charms, no arithmacy or transfiguration.

Whatever it is that you wish,

You shall be able to accomplish.

You only need focus your Mind, Body and Soul

And channel them towards achieving your goal.

Remember the old Purebloods might.

Before the Darkness in times of Light,

When those of traditions still held true.

Alas amongst us they are now but few.

Only the Pureblood Clan Lords know

But bound are they and unable to show

The true nature of ones inner magickal core

Long forgotten to those unlearned in ancient lore.

But times are coming when they must share

Or fall will the world in to despair.

Muggleborn witches and wizards will find

This magick makes equal your kind.

So this year again I impart to you

Unite in this end fight you must do.

To win the Dark War that is coming

The Slytherin full of ambition and cunning

And Gryffindor brave and chivalrous

Join those quick-witted Ravenclaw so righteous,

With Hufflepuff the hardworking and loyal.

Stand together through danger and toil

To rediscover the magick of the old ways.

Remember to trust each other in up coming days.

Make the four founders of Hogwarts proud

By keeping the friendship the originally found."

There was only a smattering of applause through the Great Hall. Most of the students and even some of the Professors looked extremely confused at the Sorting Hat's song. Dumbledore, however, was quite enthusiastic in his appreciation.

McGonagall quickly recovered from her shock and started calling names from her list. One by one the nervous first years were sorted in to their Houses. While this was happening three certain Gryffindors were having a whispered conversation about the Sorting Hat's song.

"Well I can guess where Hermione's gonna be after the feast tonight." Ron commented to Harry with an over dramatic sigh.

"Oh yeah I can feel another one of those 'Study Projects' coming up." He replied in a tone suggested he had resigned himself to his fate.

"Oh shut up you two! Like you aren't curious either! I've never heard of anything like this before! A different type of magic? It's unbelievably exciting! Just think this could be used to our advantage! Especially in the fight against You-Know…Voldemort!"

"Yeah but at what expense? Asking Malfoy to teach it to us?" Ron replied full of sarcasm.

"How do you figure that?" Harry asked curiously.

"The Hat said old Purebloods would remember it, those that follow the 'Old Ways'. All of the kids from those type of families are usually sorted in to Slytherin. They're the ones from the High Clans. The Malfoy are the most powerful. Followed by Zabini, Parkinson, Nott, Rosier, Goyle, Wilkes and Montague and the like. Even so there's no guarantee that they even learnt it."

"Wow Ron you sounded just like Hermione!"

"What about you family Ron? Your part of an old Pureblood family?" Hermione asked after giving Harry a rather menacing glare.

Before Ron could reply to her question the Sorting was over and Dumbledore had rose to give his annual welcome back speech.

"Welcome all, whether this be your first year, your last year or just somewhere in between. I have a few announcements before we commence the feasting. This Year as usual the Forbidden Forest is still forbidden and that means to ALL students. Mr. Filch has added some new items to list of items prohibited on Hogwarts grounds and the eastern turret is restricted to all students. Detentions will be handed out and points will be deducted if anyone is found lurking near. With that said I only have to say…eat up my pretties!"

Before the last word was even out of the Headmasters mouth a huge whirling portal of light appeared in the center on the Great Hall above the student's heads. Staring in wonder and fear the students froze, although some of the braver Gryffindors pointed and murmured curiously.

"It's Him! It's Voldemort! I know it is!" Harry whispered insistently to Ron and Hermione.

Before either of them could reply the portal began to intensify. Fierce winds rose from around it, carrying anything from cutlery and plates to various paintings and ornaments. The students began to panic and the deafening screaming began.

"Children! Calm down and remain inside the Great Hall! Please take cover underneath the Tables!" Dumbledore's orders boomed above the howling winds.

Bolts of lightning struck out across the Hall completely obliterating everything it touched, from walls to paintings to furniture. Then from inside the portal five screaming figures were expelled across the room. Immediately after their expulsion the portal closed in on its self and vanished, leaving the Great Hall in a mess, the occupants confused and the five figures bleeding and unconscious.

As they had come flying out of the portal two had slammed in the walls with a sickening crunch on opposite sides of the Hall. They slumped down the walls brokenly leaving streaks of blood in their trail until they reached the ground where they lay unconscious. The deep red a startling contrast to the dull gray stone.

Another crashed in to the Professors table sending splintered wood and professors alike flying backwards from the impact. While the other smacked in to the cold unforgiving stone floor, skidded a couple of meters before lying still.

The last figure had shot out of the portal on the tail end of a fork of lightning. Around the place the figure had struck a tiny network of hairline cracks were visible. A pool of crimson was rapidly spreading out wards, like an oil spill at sea.

There was silence as the entire Hall stopped in shock. No one moved and then Dumbledore stood and it was like the whole room burst in to a frenzy of action. Madame Pomfrey took charge and ordered those with the knowledge to help the injured students and directed them all to the Hospital wing. While those who were able helped uncover their housemates, shifting debris that had been thrown around by the gale force winds.

The Head of Houses busied themselves directing the students and making sure those injured were tended to. The remaining Professors tried to salvage what they could of the furniture transfiguring scrap wood in to chairs, tables and what not as well as repairing the walls and paintings.

Dumbledore cautiously approached the first figure, tiny girl he realized. She was lying sprawled amongst the remainders of the Head table. He waved his wand and the debris vanished leaving the girl hovering slightly before him. She was scratched and bruised but other than that unharmed. He directed a Ravenclaw Prefect, Padma Patil, who was nearby to take her to the Hospital wing and have her patched up.

"It might be wise to stay with her until she wakes. It's likely she'll be quite confused when she does and it'll be a comfort for her to have a friendly face to explain where she is." He made sure the Ravenclaw understood that he didn't think she was a danger before sending him off.

Next he moved towards the Gryffindor table where one of the figures had impacted against the wall. He wasn't at all surprised to see Harry standing over the unconscious figure with obvious suspicion. The boy had become extremely paranoid, as he grew older. Not that he blamed him really after all he'd been through at such a young age. Still it was slightly annoying especially when he had told all of the students to stay clear until he had assessed whether or not they were a threat.

It also didn't surprise him that Hermione was trying to get Harry to move away. What did surprise him however was the fact that Ron was also telling Harry leave. Shaking his head he stepped up behind the three Gryffindors and clearly his throat. To his amusement all three of them jumped in shock. Ignoring their excuses he sent them on their way and knelt beside the body on the ground.

"Hmm. Another girl…" He murmured to himself. Considering the trail of blood on the wall he guessed she had some internal bleeding. Quickly conjuring a stretcher he levitated her on to in and sent her off to the medical ward under the care of another student giving the same instructions he gave the Ravenclaw Prefect.

As he hurriedly moved on to the next, also a girl, he motioned to the Prefect Blaise Zabini to take the girl, he assumed, that hit the wall on the Slytherin side to the Medical ward also. Carefully he turned the pale girl so she was lying on her back. She was deathly white but he wasn't sure if it were natural or because of blood loss. She had a nasty slash on her head and several scrapes on her side where she had slid along the stone floor.

He directed a 6th year Hufflepuff boy, Ernie Macmillan, he knew to have skills in healing to take care of her wounds. Watching him briefly to make sure the girl would be all right he then turned to see to the last girl. After assessing her injuries he quickly took her to Madame Pomfrey. She was by far the worst off. Having been slammed in to the stone floor by a mystical portal mustn't have been pleasant but to be struck by mystical lightning from said portal as well? She was lucky to be alive.