Day 16
Somebody just make it go away. Any of it. All of it. Make the cravings and the panic attacks and the fucking shaking just go away. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep.
Tears blurred her eyes. She knew she wouldn't be able to read what she was writing, hell, she could barely see the paper. It was sometime in the middle of the night, hours after "lights out" but still an eternity before the sun came up. The nights were the worst. When the time ticked away silently, slowly until she thought she'd lose her mind. And the thoughts… The endless string of memories all jumbled together. At first they had all been about she and Max and the other in Manticore. About how things had been and the unspoken bond and trust they'd shared. Then about New York, Miami, Chicago…all the time she'd spent with Ben. Sometimes they were so vivid she could hear the music, feel the sensations in her nose and chest, taste the drug on the back of her tongue but she never felt the high. Sometimes she could feel his hands on her, his lips on hers, the sound of his voice. And it was driving her insane.
Now these memories were tangled with old ones. Ones she hadn't thought about in years. Ones she'd locked away in that part of her heart that had been closed, never to reopen. Max. Zane. Krit and Syl. Why had they come? She didn't want them here, didn't need them here fucking with her heart and her mind again. She'd spent the last thirteen years doing that to herself.
** ** **
"How long has she been like that?"
Krit stepped up beside Max and looked through the small windowpane. "She was like that when I got here at seven. Zane said she hasn't moved since before dawn at least."
Max and Krit swallowed, they couldn't take their eyes off her, afraid she'd disappear. Being there for her was what they were trying to do but she wouldn't let them. She wouldn't even look at them. And this…this was ten times worse. If she were sleeping it would be different but laying there like that with her eyes frozen open…just staring. She looked dead and that just scared the hell out of them.
Slowly Max eased the door open, moving quietly across the room to her chair. She pulled it just a bit closer this time. Just in case she needed her. Krit followed and sat with his back against the wall. "I know you don't want me, Jon, but I'm here. All you have to do is look at me." Her words were barely audible in the room.
Jondy blinked.
** ** **
Day 19
Okay, so I spoke. It kind of spoiled what little fun I've had while I've been in here but twelve days from now, if I'm still not talking, they most certainly aren't going to let me out and amusing as it may be, I can't stay in here another day. I want to sleep in my own bed. Just for one night. Then who knows? I don't particularly want to stay home but I don't know where I want to go. Part of me wants to go back. Part of me just wants to hide. I miss my Ben. I miss him. But then there is this other part of me that knows now just how stressful living that life actually was. There's always the fun times and of course the highs…but at moments…I just don't know anymore. But the cravings aren't so bad today and…maybe that's okay with me.
I'm feeling better I suppose. I can tell I'm not quite so angry at everyone. It wasn't them that I was mad at to begin with. It was her. I talked to Syl yesterday for the first time and she just cried like a baby. I just want to go home.
Then there's that bitch. Preening around here like it's all her doing. She actually grins at me like she's the one that made me "better." Like she thinks I started talking because she's here. You pissed me off, 452, you didn't change my world. And then you sit here with me while I'm depressed, watching me with those sad eyes. The pity in them made me sick. I don't need your pity and I don't need your help. I didn't start talking because of you. I started talking because contrary to what you may believe I am not stupid, I know what I need to do, and in order for me to get the fuck out of here I have to talk.
But I took care of her. I actually can't wait 'til she prances her skinny ass in the room today. I'll be facing her direction…watching her face with both eyes…maybe I'll even smile. Because I have to see her face.
You wouldn't believe the speech I gave to Zane to get him to do this. It was a good one even if I do say so myself. "It represents a part of me I want to let go of. It will be like a fresh start. A new outlook on everything. A new me when I look in the mirror." I absolutely can't wait until she gets a load of me. It's nearly ten. It shouldn't be long now.
Max was surprised to see her facing away from the wall when she pushed her door open and walked in. She was tired and Joshua and Alec were starting to get impatient. It seemed like they were all being supportive of her need to be here and she respected them all the more for it. But she had to go back and she had to go soon.
She was looking at her…and smiling. Max gasped aloud and her mouth stayed open wide as she paused in mid stride.
She'd cut off all her hair. Well not all of it, but enough to get the point across.
