Hey thanks for the replies J I wasn't sure if anyone was going to like this story. I've always thought that this is kind of what Jondy would be like…not a drug addict, of course, but I never thought she would be anything like the others. I just wanted to warn everyone that this story may come across as Anti-Max…I love Max but I'm going a different direction…I guess? Not sure if I even want to introduce Alec into it or just go more into her past with her and Ben…what do you think? Thanks again though. J
Day 20
Max didn't come back. It didn't make me feel as good as I thought it would either and it pisses me off. I wanted to love that shocked expression. I wanted to take pleasure in the horror in her eyes. But I felt like an ass. I stooped to an all time low. I let her see that I was hurting because I made it obvious I was trying to hurt her back. She still has this power over me that I can't seem to get out from under.
I failed. I lost a battle in this war I'm waging against her. The sad part is that she doesn't even know she's fighting against me. She thinks she's trying to help. She thinks she's being a supporting loving friend when all she had to do was be that to begin with, forever ago, and none of this would have happened.
But she didn't. She was selfish. They were ALL selfish.
So. Max knew it was all about her. Actually, she had known that already but the fact that she was talking to everyone, including Zane, and not talking to her was a pretty damn good clue that there was definitely more to this than the drugs. And damn it Zane didn't have to look very far to find the reasons behind her self-destructive behavior. There was more to this than just her being messed up on drugs, there was Max. And she hated her. That much was obvious and the worst part was she was pretty sure Max knew why.
Max stared in through the small glass and sighed, the window fogging slightly from her breath. It was appropriate feeling…on the outside looking in. It was a place she didn't often find herself. Usually she was the center of attention. All things revolved around her but now…she was shut out…watching, waiting …begging for her to let her in again.
Bracing herself for the hours of silence ahead she went inside and took her usual position in the chair. She glanced at the notebook on the desk and decided to leave it for the time being.
"So…I know you are talking to everyone else…you wanna tell me why you hate me so much? I'm sure I already know but I'd like to make sure you and I are thinking the same evil thoughts about myself."
She looked up from her notebook, shot her a nasty look and dropped her eyes back down.
"Well, at least you looked at me. Should I consider it progress?"
"Why not, you've already cured me of my speaking problem."
"She speaks."
"Why are you here, Max?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"A simple one. Why are you here? You've been conveniently gone for the past thirteen years, why are you here now?"
"Because I love you."
"It's a funny thing, love." Jondy began as she closed her notebook. "Sometimes I can't tell the difference between love and hate. Just like I can't tell the difference between friends and enemies. I'm starting to figure it out though."
"What did I do Jon, what could I have done to make you hate me?"
Jondy started to laugh and the tone of it caused Max's gaze to shift to the window where Syl was standing with a surprised expression. The laughter died down and Jondy shook her head with amusement. "I hate all of you, so it isn't just about what you did. It's what you all did."
"But you seem to be targeting me Jondy…"
"MAX it's not about you. Do you think that everything the is wrong in the world is because of you?"
Max resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She'd heard those words before from both Zack and Alec. "No…I think that it's my fault for the way you are."
"Everything is always about you, it always has been. From the very beginning everything was about you. If the sun was shining bright enough it was somehow because you weren't happy about something. Zack, the very few and far between times that he would visit could never stop talking about you. You were favored by everyone and no one could make you happy. We escaped because of you but I doubt you've been happy. I mean truly happy…have you Max?"
Jondy gave her a sadistic grin when Max pouted and remained silent. "And now that I'm the way I am you assume it's all your fault. Well fuck you Maxie…It's about ALL of you. I loved all of you unconditionally and what do you all do? You all abandoned me…"
"I was alone too…" Max started to interrupt.
"SHUT UP…this isn't about you Max. I am talking now. I'm the fucked up one. No one had ever really listened to me except Ben, but he couldn't take it. He couldn't handle the fact that his precious blue lady couldn't save me from myself. He tried…but he left me too and I loved him so much because he did save me…" Jondy didn't know that she was crying until she tasted them on her lips. "And I just…I just want to be safe. I haven't felt safe since we left. I hated that place and everything it stood for but now I long for the security. I hate myself for leaving."
"But we're free now and…"
Jondy's snort of laughter stopped her from continuing. "Can you honestly sit there and tell me that we are FREE?"
Max stared at her not really knowing what Jondy was going to say or what she was getting at. Max had always believed and would always believe that they were free. Jondy stood from the chair she was sitting in and began to pace the room. She was waiting for Max to answer. "Yes, we are free."
Jondy's fierce green eyes turned to her. "Since when does running and hiding our entire lives make us free?" She waited a few moments giving Max time to answer. Max didn't answer, however, and looked at the ground. "And maybe we are free to live how we want to live but we will always be running and hiding and wondering when the next time will be. I'm not free Max…none of us are free."
"Haven't you ever heard the phrase freedom isn't free Jondy?" Max tries to argue but as soon as she said the words she wanted to take them back.
Jondy stared into her eyes and knew that Max had realized what she'd said. "Exactly. And everyone has different ideas of freedom but this is what I wanted. I didn't want any of this. I didn't want to live out of garbage cans, steal for a living, I didn't want to work at a bar where men grabbed at me and told me what they wanted to do with me. My idea of freedom wasn't what I have gone through since I left Manticore."
"It wasn't for any of us Jondy, it's called life. Life isn't all fun and games. It's full of pain and you have to work and fight for everything you have and want."
"And that's not my idea of freedom. We may not be stuck in Manticore but we are still slaves. Slaves to our jobs, slaves to our bosses, we are all slaves to money. You are basing our freedom and lives on material possessions. What kind of life is that?" Jondy dropped back down into her chair. "I guess life couldn't get any better then this huh? I'm addicted to coke and the one person I've ever truly loved is gone. The only person that has every understood that us escaping may have been the worst decision of our lives."
"Ben wasn't healthy…he didn't have a grip on reality, he was stuck in between Manticore and the real world." Max tried to rationalize it but each word made the smirk on Jondy's face deepen.
"Yeah, I guess anyone who dares to challenge the decisions we all made and to question the great Max, Zack, and Zane. Well you know what? Maybe Ben and I are fucked up but we are the only ones who seem to have any idea about what the real world is like? And Ben wasn't fucking stuck in between here and Manticore, he was fucking lost in a world that he knew he could never be apart of. No one can help us." Jondy's voice fell to just above a whisper. "We can't even help ourselves."
Max stood and walked towards her, her own tears falling silently. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers over Jondy's head wincing at the brown bob. She was playing dirty and she knew there was only one way to get her back. Max and the rest of them had to make her believe in them again and it wasn't going to be easy. But they were going to have to try.
