Day Twenty-Two
I woke today with dried tears on my face. I couldn't remember if I had fallen asleep while remembering Ben or if it had all been a dream. The days are slowly fading into one another and everything is going in slow motion. I still just want to go home.
The shakes aren't as bad anymore. They've been replaced by headaches and cottonmouth. No matter how much water I drink I long for the bitter taste of rum or vodka. I would even settle for a simple glass of beer at this point. It seems lately that I'm always covered in a thin sheen of sweat and my eyes are having trouble focusing on people. They were all just a blur to me now.
I could hear them but I never really listened. I haven't heard from Max since we cried together. I think she's giving me space…something I wish all of them would do. Sometimes I think that they are all gone but when I roll to the left they are still staring through the window. Am I that much of a freak-show?
I'm starting to like how quiet this place is and I'm starting to embrace the loneliness I feel.
"Jondy?"
Jondy looked up at Max but didn't say anything. Max was holding what she assumed was clothing while Krit carried in a jug of water and some apples. They were walking on eggshells around her, not that she would ever blame them. "Where have you been?"
Jondy almost smacked herself. Asking that question meant she had noticed and that was something she didn't want Max to know, but it was too late. Speaking before thinking was something she was good at.
"I had to go back to Terminal City, make sure that everything is running okay." Max set the clothes down at the foot of her bed. "I brought you some clothes to change into." Max stared into Jondy's eyes that as children had been a vibrant blue-green color. Now they were dull green and blood shoot, always filling with tears.
"Why?"
"I was hoping that maybe in another week or so, you would go with me." Max wasn't going for subtlety. She had decided that the more they continued to treat her like a child, a freak, and the biggest failure they had ever met, the longer it was going to take to get her back.
Jondy rolled her eyes and lay back in her bed. She stared up at the ceiling, taking deep and even breaths. She could feel the tingling sensations crawling over her skin and the beads of sweat began to form. She was about to have a meltdown right in front of Max. "Just leave. BOTH of you jest leave me alone."
And it wasn't that she wanted them to leave. She didn't want them to see her. Max and Krit reluctantly left the room, glancing back as the door shut. Jondy rolled onto her stomach and gripped at the sheets as her stomach muscles cramped up and seemed to squeeze the warmth she'd been feeling away. The pain was almost a welcome release from the loneliness…
Max and Krit watched from the window, where she wouldn't be able to see them, and cried. Both wondering if she would ever get better.
A few hours later Jondy's knock on the small window startled Max and Krit out of their conversation. Max pulled the door open a little and looked in at her. "Good afternoon."
Jondy nodded. "I feel like getting some fresh air."
Max and Krit looked at each other, deciding if it would be safe to let her out for a little bit. Max gave a slight nod and opened the door wider. Jondy wouldn't run away. Even if she tried she wouldn't be a threat to them. Jondy followed Krit, down a long dark hallway. She guessed it had to be an abandoned building. The further they got down the hallway the stronger the scent of the ocean became.
"I've missed that smell." Jondy almost smiled.
Krit glanced over his shoulder at her. "What smell?"
"The ocean, the salt, the water and sand…" Jondy blinked against the light that began to stream through the doorless entryway. It took a few moments for her eyes to adjust to the brightness but what she saw was enough to warm her frozen heart. They were in an abandoned building off the coast of the Pacific Ocean.
Max took a seat on a fallen palm tree. Krit had chosen to follow Jondy at a distance, as she walked down the shore. She breathed the air in deeply and let it out slowly. The sunlight on her skin felt amazing. It had been so incredibly long since she'd been outside. Everything seemed newer to her now. The water was bluer, the waves bigger, the sun was brighter, and the air was cleaner. She looked down at her feet and watched the water roll over them. The coppery color the sand was turning caused her to pause and take a seat. And she cried.
New York, NY :: 2019 April 05
Jondy fingered the small cold plastic ziplock bag that lay in her jacket pocket. Jondy lingered in the doorway like the stale air that had filled the hotel room. The fan attached to the ceiling rotated slowly, barely moving any of the oxygen and cigarette smoke that hovered like a mist. He sat on the couch, his legs straddled like a trailer trash truck driver, a burning cigarette hanging limp from his mouth. His eyes glazed over as he blinked slowly, as if he was trying to stay awake. She coughed from the smoke and wandered inside. He had been gone when she left, he never told her where he would disappear too.
She walked up to him, pulled the cigarette from his mouth, and put it to hers, taking a long drag and trying her best not to hack up her mangled lungs. Her lip-gloss left a ring around the stick as she handed it back to him. He didn't bother wiping the lip-gloss off as he pushed it between his lips.
"Where were you?"
He put his beer to his lips and took a long drink as his eyes burned into her. He never answered her and he wondered why she still asked. Hell, he was surprised that she seemed somewhat sober. It must have taken her awhile to get her hands on the very thing that he knew resided in one of her pockets. He wasn't sure how much more the both of them could take. Lately, they didn't even speak.
Jondy sighed sadly. "What is going on with you?"
Ben was going for shock factor now. If the blue lady couldn't help her, how could he? Drunk and sick, he gave out a wheeze as he pulled a steak knife from the table next to him. Disgustingly, he drug the blade the width of his left arm and left a cavern filling with his own blood. He leaned back and sighed, as if the sickness in him was leaving with his warm fluids.
He handed the knife to her.
She stared at it, at his blood drying on the silver blade. She looked at her distorted reflection and a straggling tear escaped her green eyes and screamed a black trail down her cheek. She sighed, and brought the knife to her already scarred arm. She stopped. She breathed.
"Just do it." His voice was husky with lethargy and smoke. His eyes were burning holes into her, trying to figure out where the two of them had managed to fail the blue lady.
She dug the knife into her pale skin, but stopped again. With a deep breath, she handed the knife back to him. Her eyes full of stinging tears, she glared at him and whispered, "Don't try to fix me. I'm not broken."
He looked at her with confusion, as if he was having trouble comprehending what she was saying. He coughed and hacked and took another shot of beer. With one quick motion, he sliced his arm again, and leaned back to enjoy the pain. "Go and do your thing then."
She wiped at her tears nonchalantly and pulled the packet from her pocket. She had a half of mind to dump its contents onto the floor, but it was the only way for her to escape the pain and lately to escape Ben. His looks of disgust and his condescending words and the fact that he had stopped trying.
Jondy walked over to the other couch and picked up the broken piece of mirror. She dumped the white power onto the surface of the glass and pulled the razor blade out of the other pocket. Ben looked away. He couldn't watch her. If he saw her do it then it meant it was true. He winced as she sniffed.
"I'm so tired of being here…" She whispered with her eyes closed.
"What?"
With a lick of her lips, her dazed green eyes slid over to him. He couldn't tell anymore if she was crying or if watery eyes were part of this. Jondy stood up and began to roam around the hotel room. She disappeared into their bedroom and reappeared in clothes that didn't do much to hide the parts of her body that only he'd seen.
"Where the hell are you going?" He demanded in a drunken stupor.
"Out…away…anywhere."
Ben jumped up and threw his can of beer. "I can't take much more of this."
Jondy's eyes welled with tears. Blood was dripping from his arms and onto the floor and his jeans. He saw the disgust in her eyes and stormed over to her. He grabbed a fistful of curly brown hair and threw her across the room and into the couch he'd been sitting it. Jondy rolled from the couch and onto the floor, the pain wasn't registering and it almost made her laugh. She stumbled to her feet and Ben grabbed her arms and pulled her up. She hung limply and stared up at him through half open eyes.
"You are pathetic." He dropped her onto the couch and sat down next to her. "And you aren't going anywhere."
Jondy didn't have the strength to fight against him. She looked down at one of his arms and saw that the cut had begun to heal. The dried blood was slowly turning from brown to black. She laid her head back against his chest and listened to the beating of their hearts. And he was so warm…
"I don't know how to help you." Ben whispered after a few minutes of silence.
Jondy let her tears fall. "And I don't know how to help you."
"We're dying Jondy, one minute at a time."
Jondy only closed her eyes.
"Jondy…"
Jondy looked up from her memory that had played out in the water lapping at her feet. She saw that the sun was beginning to set in brilliant layers of yellow, orange, red, and pinks. She stood and walked with Krit back to the building. She hadn't known how long she had been just sitting there, but she was glad she had.
