Day Twenty-Four

I had a long talk with Max last night. Sometimes I think that her and I really aren't that different, but then reality sets in and I know that we are really nothing alike. It was nice to just lie there and talk to her. It was almost like being back at Manticore. I decided that I would go back to this Terminal City with her. I figure it couldn't hurt…and if I absolutely hated it I could just leave. You could never run from life enough.

Oh another note, I'm about tired of crying. I don't know when it happened, but it seems like I can't stop crying. Sometimes I won't even know I'm crying until one of them looks at me with pity, or I feel the drops run down my face or taste them on my lips. Maybe this is part of the getting sober process? But it's getting quite annoying.

I keep having dreams of Ben and sometimes I think I see him. I can feel his eyes on me and there's nothing I can do to get away from them. Every now and then I sense him. Like when I'm just starting to fall asleep, it's like the warmth in the room is sucked away and I just feel that he is in the room. He used to sit and watch me sleep. And while I know he isn't in the room and his eyes aren't on me, it still makes me feel uncomfortable. And I have to wonder why? I loved him so much but I hated when he would stare.

The others didn't stare, only watched. I was a freak show after all.

"We're probably going to be leaving sometime tomorrow. I know you don't have much of anything to pack, but I just wanted to let you know." Zane strolled into the room and fell into the chair next to her.

"Okay." Jondy didn't really like talking to Zane. He really was so much like Zack.

"You're doing the right thing." Zane nodded and lit a cigarette.

"I'm so glad you approve." Jondy's voice came out a little harsher then she intended and Zane's eyes narrowed. Probably wondering if it was the right decision after all. Not that he had much say. Max seemed to be the one in charge. She was the one they depended on. "I hate the smell of cigarette smoke."

Zane gave her a look. "Didn't Ben smoke?"

"Not often."

Zane stubbed out his cigarette and shook his head. "I will never understand you will I?"

Jondy shrugged. "No one will ever really understand this girl."

"Because you won't let them?"

"Because they couldn't handle it." Jondy smirked when he rolled his eyes. She picked her notebook back up and chewed on the pen.

"We are going to help you Jondy. We are going to do everything possible to make sure you stay clean and get healthy. Whether you believe us or not, we love you. You're our baby sister."

If only they would have felt this way before she turned into a basket case. Jondy's green eyes shifted to his brown eyes. He was good looking, held a certain bad boy appeal. His hair was always messy and he was always in need of a shave. "I hope so Zane…because if there is a next time. I don't think I will be given another chance."

"Just trust us Jon. Trust us and stop pushing us away."

Jondy nodded. "I'm trying. I am really trying."

Day Twenty Four continued…

God help me I almost believe them. I want to believe them. I want to think they are sincere. But what if I'm wrong? What if things happen the way they did before? Can I handle it? I want to see the future. I want to know if they are gonna leave me high and dry the moment they get a chance. Will the rest hate me? Will they be nasty to my face? I don't know if I'd rather have them hate me openly or pretend to like me and just hate me behind my back. I don't want to deal with that shit. I don't want to deal with anyone's shit. I will probably hate the rest.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I used that word in this damn journal. Hate, hate, hate. Three more bucks. God, I'm losing my mind. It's driving me crazy.

I'm not in the best of moods today. I still think about using. Sometimes I still want to. It's really a good thing that I've agreed to go with them because I know that if I'd have stayed there's no way I would have stayed clean. I'm not sure when exactly the realization came that I wanted to. I just couldn't lose them again. I couldn't lose Max again.

It's so confusing. Dealing with the cravings and the memories and everything plus at the same time dealing with them, coming and going. It makes it so much harder to get through each day and yet, at the same time it . . . gives me a reason to.

That was hard to write. Am I doing this for the wrong reasons? Am I straightening up for them? If they leave will I be strong enough to stay straight? Will I care? I don't want that. I don't want to live for other people. I've already tried that. I just want to just be me. I just want to be me without having to depend on them, is that possible? Right now…I just don't know.

Tomorrow is another day, however.

The next day Jondy sat waiting patiently as the other three walked in and out of her room. Checking on her, reassuring her that this was the best decision. Always telling her that they were going to make her better. In small ways each of them already had. She hadn't seen Max all morning, so when she showed up later that afternoon, with a smile, Jondy had known it was time.

She had already dressed in a pair of jeans that should have been tight but barely clung to her hips. She wore a long sleeved T-shirt that Max had picked out. Most likely to hid the long vertical scars that ran up either arm. They weren't all that noticeable anymore, but if you looked hard enough or the light hit it just right…they appeared. It wasn't something she had ever told them about, let alone a complete stranger if they happened to see and ask questions.

"You look like you're ready to get the hell out of here." Max practically skipped in the room. You could almost taste how excited she was.

Jondy nodded. "I look stupid."

"Why?"

"I can't believe I cut all my hair off…and these clothes don't even fit me." Jondy sighed. "I look like an scarecrow."

Max tried not to laugh. "You look beautiful. Your hair isn't all that bad, the curls are coming back in…you'll gain weight and we'll get you some clothes that fit."

"How are we leaving?"

"Syl and Krit left a few minutes ago, Zane is going to ride my bike back and me and my friend Logan are going to take you to TC." Max picked up the small bag that held what little possessions the girl owned. "Sound alright?"

Jondy shrugged. "I don't really have a choice. Is Logan the guy you were telling me about the other night?"

Max nodded and looked down. "Let me go get him."

Jondy stood up pulled on a pair of tennis shoes, also too big. She supposed it didn't matter. She would only be sitting in a car. It took her a few minutes to remember how to tie the laces. She was used to wearing boots that either buckled or zipped. Tennis shoes were hard to find these days.

"Jon."

Jondy's head flew up at Max's voice. Beside her stood a tall blond haired guy. He was a little scrawny and kind of scruffy looking. Not at all what she had pictured. Jondy took a few steps towards the. She assumed he was also taking in what she looked like. There was no way she was what he had pictured.

"Jondy this is Logan, Logan this is my baby sister Jondy." Max grinned, almost proudly, which made Jondy's stomach churn.

"Hey." Jondy shook his hand.

"Well it's nice to finally meet you Jondy. I've heard so much about you." Logan squeezed her hand gently, with a small smile and a head nod.

Jondy looked at Max, wondering just how much he knew. "Yeah, I've only heard a little about you."

"Hopefully all good things." Logan teased, but Jondy didn't smile.

"If you call the virus a good thing…then yes. Otherwise I think it's a rather sad arrangement." Jondy's voice stayed even, calm, she was only stating what she felt.

Logan's face froze. He hadn't seen that coming. "Oh…well I mean that is of course not a good thing…"

Jondy shrugged. "I was just messing with you."

She wasn't but the Max looked like she wanted to smack her and the room had become tense all of a sudden. A little too tense even for her, she turned around and grabbed her bag as well as her journal. Max smiled and took the bag from her.

"We should get going. We have a long drive." Logan turned and walked out into the hallway.

Jondy followed him out into the hallway. The three of them got comfortable in Logan's Aztech. Jondy had stretched out across the backseat with her journal. Max had decided to drive, letting Logan get some sleep in the reclined position of the passenger seat. Classical music played softly while Max hummed along with it. It was a boring ride to say the least. Jondy had spent a lot of the time writing.

Day Twenty-Five

Should I call them days anymore? I mean in a way I am out of "rehab" now. I guess I was there today…tomorrow I'll have to start using actual dates. Right now I couldn't even tell you what today is…

Where should I begin? Well I met Logan. He's not as cute as I expected. I never imagined him as a blond or as old as he was. He talks weird, like he just woke up. I wonder if he always talks like that…He was nice though, I guess. We didn't talk much. It didn't help that I offended him, but that's not what I had been going for. Max hadn't seemed too happy with my comment either. Oh well, I have never been one to make anyone happy just for the sake of not making them upset. I'm surprised the two of them don't have thicker skin by now. If I went around getting upset over every insult someone through my way, I'd probably be in jail for murder.

I wish Max would stop humming. The girl is about tone deaf…

So we are on our way to Max's world. I'm assuming it's better then my world and my world with Ben. Although I would go back to Ben's world, as fucked up as it was, in a second. I would probably make better choices if I could…or maybe I wouldn't change anything. I can't help but wonder about what is going to happen. I guess I will find out in a few hours.

…I'm hoping that maybe Ben will be there waiting for me.