Forward

The dinner party at the end of chapter 16 of The Gathering Storm was one of my favorite moments in the whole series. My feelings toward Egwene al'Vere varied every time I read from her point of view. From the time of her capture at the gate to her Raising in the White Tower, I absolutely loved her. I loved her infiltration of hearts and minds, and I loved her final confrontation with Elaida. The end of that battle was so very powerful to me, and I kept wondering what the others must have been thinking. After that, Egwene was back to the same "I know better than everybody including the Dragon Reborn", but she went out on a high note that left me in tears.

Pretty much everything Elaida did after deposing Siuan put her one step closer to her own end, but if I had to pick a moment to be the climax of her story arc, it was The Dinner.

Even the blind tyrant Mr. Jordan created for us to hate had to see it was over for her. The Hall was lost to her, the Salidar Aes Sedai were on the doorstep, Tar Valon was out of food, and everything was signaling the beginning of Tarmon Gai'don. Though her downfall was in motion long before, she likely saw that dinner as the moment it was sealed by a 19-year-old girl in a Novice dress. Who would have felt the weight of Egwene's undeniable truths more than Elaida? Who would have been more terrified by the girl who would not be silenced by days of constant beatings, who bore an ongoing lashing from multiple whips while leaving her life blood in a pool under her? I thought it would be powerful to see this event from Elaida's point of view.

Elaida, as a character, always bothered me. It's one thing to be an antagonist with selfish motives and tyrannical methods. That's common. My problem with Elaida is not the quest for power and personal glory. It's not her complete lack of leadership ability. Those are common traits that often make a story work. What bothers me is the lack of any consideration for the reality around her. Her ability and willingness to ignore what's under her nose is not natural. It feels forced to make the reader hate her. Elaida is one of the most impactful antagonists in the grand scheme of things. I would have loved to see some of the complexity in her that we get in most of our main characters. It's always fun when there are redeeming qualities in the bad guy, or if not that, then a reason that drives a villain to be villainous for which the reader can feel badly. We never got a background story that would create an Elaida. She was the youngest child and raised on a farm in Murandy. Then we see her in A New Spring, and she's already foreshadowing her own villainy. We met her again in The Eye of the World, and there it is again.

This is the part I worry I did poorly in my first real attempt at writing. I tried to give her a background that would support a performance such as hers. I didn't want to write an entire chapter for it, but I wanted it to exist. That background gave me an opportunity to justify her actions and also tease at the possibility of redemption.

If you're reading this, and you finish the whole thing, thank you very much. I hope you enjoy it. I might like to write my own story one day so please, provide me your honest feedback. You cannot hurt my feelings or demotivate me. No matter how harsh or negative, I will simply take the useful information and endeavor to improve upon my writing in the future. Compliments are also welcome if you see fit. I appreciate any comment.

Chapter 16: In the White Tower

Elaida do Avriny a'Roihan was not the blind fool others thought she was. She knew Egwene al'Vere - the girl who fancied herself Amyrlin, not noticing the strings holding her up and guiding her every move - was attending "private lessons" with various sisters, including Sitters. Elaida knew this false Amyrlin sought to influence other sisters against her. She knew the Novices and Accepted stood for the imposter and followed her lead. Silviana's inability to control her charges was unconscionable, and she would howl as so many initiates had in the Mistress of the Novices' study.

This must stop, of course, but there were two sides to the problem, and Egwene was the lesser of the two. The larger concern were the sisters who allowed this puppet to speak freely in open defiance to the Tower, who let the child influence them or any sister, let alone Sitters. The easy solution was to simply throw Egwene in a cell and disallow visitors. However, that was against Tower law, for now, and it would indicate Elaida feared a false Amyrlin Novice remaining loose. She could have Stilled and executed Egwene the day of her capture but Elaida decided it was better to use Egwene to show the rebels that even their false Amyrlin was nobody but a puppet removed from her strings and a Novice in white. Elaida's surprise that Egwene re-discovered the weaves to create cuendillar died quickly before her anger from learning the gate could not be closed without tearing apart the whole structure.

I'll let her think her situation a victory. Instead of following the simple path, Elaida would shatter any regard for Egwene and quell defiant spirits lingering within the Sitters. Egwene and each Sitter have something in common – they each forget themselves. They forget their stations, and they carry too much foolish pride. That pride was Elaida's first target. Egwene herself was the second. The Sitters will see their inspirational figure serving the true Amyrlin. They would see her fully cowed – a task in which Elaida succeeded, and they failed.

Elaida drifted back to her present situation. She realized she was staring blankly at her dining chamber door with a self-satisfied smile and quickly schooled her features and focused on the moment. Five Sitters sat in her dining chamber, by all appearances staged for a pleasant dinner. They wore their finest dresses and most prominent shawls proclaiming their Ajahs. Elaida sat at the head of the long table, which held crystal goblets sparkling and reflecting light from the ornate bronze stand lamps, and she had the Sitters at the far end to show them the separation of their stations and power. This layout also allowed her to note their reactions and mannerisms. Aes Sedai serenity had tells, if one knew how to observe them. Even their idle chatter conveyed their mistrust and dislike of each other.

Doesine Alwain, the Yellow, was likely Elaida's strongest opposition since publicly made a launderer as a penance for insubordination. Ferane Neheran, the White, was hosting Egwene for private lessons, and ironically, against all logic, seemed to respect the child. Yukiri Haruna spent more time with the rebel Meidani than Elaida liked, but maybe it was just typical Grey negotiating to return the rebels to their places. Elaida doubted that. Rubinde Acedone was a Green in name only. The battle Ajah were supposed to crush rebellion and defeat enemies, not discuss compromise like a Grey.

The Blue were absent, of course, and all the Red Sitters were out from the Tower. Elaida excluded the Red, in any case, because they were loyal enough to not require this demonstration. Though the Amyrlin was supposed to be of no Ajah, by her reckoning, the Red were the only Ajah suited to ruling the Tower. Eventually, every six-striped dress and stole would display red with more prominence.

The last Sitter, Shevan – of course the Brown would be last and slowest – settled into her seat and absently took her wine cup and sniffed before taking a sip. She had just replaced her cup - on the wrong side of her plate, Elaida thought to herself and sniffed - when a servant led Egwene into the room. Elaida suspected Egwene's appearance would surprise the Sitters. She watched reactions carefully to help prioritize her targets. Doesine nodded to Egwene as if something confirmed, but there was something else to it. Was a Sitter showing respect to a rebel Novice where I can plainly see her? She lacks the respect to even hide it from me now, Elaida though in a momentary flash of acrimony. Doesine might as well have a con declaring herself Elaida's primary target.

Elaida filed that thought away and spoke. "Ah, good. You've finally arrived. Come here child."

The pause before Egwene's first step and the widening of her eyes were so minor, she might not have even realized she allowed it. The arrogant child was not expecting to serve Elaida in the presence of those she was trying to influence. Dread already began to show. Better composure than a Novice, admittedly, but she still needs practice in Aes Sedai serenity, Elaida mused.Egwene continued to feed Elaida information despite herself – familiarity with Yukiri, Rubinde, and Doesine, curiosity toward Shevan, and contemplation toward Ferane. The Sitters wore masks of confusion and curiosity. Ferane, for her part looked as surprised as Egwene.

The false Amyrlin settled into her position between Elaida and the wall, ready to serve with wine pitcher in hand. "You are to keep my cup full, Elaida said. "Wait there, but don't come too close. I'd rather not have to smell the soot on you from your punishments this afternoon."

A small bulging in Egwene's jaw muscle was enough to mark a point earned. Elaida smiled to herself while she sipped her wine. Then she turned to Shevan and began her game in earnest. "Tell me, Shevan," Elaida said. "Do you still insist on those foolish talks with the rebels?"

Shevan responded. "The sisters must be given a chance to reconcile."

No, they must be forced into it, driven by compliance, not flight or fancy. "They had their chance," Elaida said. "Honestly, I expected more of a Brown. You're behaving doggedly, without a whit of understanding how the real world works. Why even Meindani agrees with me, and she's a Gray! You know how they are."

Shevan turned away with doubt in her expression, the truth of Elaida's words conflicting with her own misguided ideas. Elaida moved on to Ferane but only to complain to the Yellow about Rubinde. She intended to pit the Sitters against each other until they all realized the only path to unity lay in fealty to the Amyrlin.

Noticing her wine cup was a few sips from full, Elaida held it out and tapped with one finger. Egwene filled it properly, likely drawing on her experience as an innkeeper's daughter, but that tightening of the jaw was there again. She's going to wear her teeth down to the gums if she keeps up that behavior. Every two sips of wine, Elaida held her cup out toward Egwene. She never looked at the child, enjoying the spectacle she made of her, whom nearly half the Aes Sedai called "Mother", serving in a white dress and in humiliating fashion. Servants removed the soup bowls while others were in position to place plates of steamed, buttered carrots with a hint of cinnamon. Elaida maintained her hold on the direction of this discussion.

Her play was masterfully artistic, worthy of Daes Dae'mar. Every rift she created in her intentional and feigned unintentional insults led back to reproving comments implying the problems and divisions could be resolved if the Hall would simply follow Elaida's lead. Every question Elaida asked was designed to illicit a response and sow dissention among the Sitters and leave loyalty to Amyrlin as the only solution.

Elaida relished the Sitters' torment. What better tool than abashment to bring others to heel? She was not confident she could sentence Sitters to Mortification of the Spirit for disobeying her command to cease the negotiations with the rebels…yet. Though, the Amyrlin's Fealty Oath would render penances for disobedience moot. Sworn on the Oath Rod, they could not defy Elaida if they wanted to.

Shevan seemed determined to steer the conversation anywhere else, seeming to puzzle out Elaida's motives and battling to foil them. She mentioned the curiosity in the strangeness of the constant overcast and desire to study other accounts of their like. When that effort failed to change the course, Shevan switched tactics and addressed a subject of apprehension for everybody. She spoke of a rumor that the Seanchan and the Aiel were allied.

"The Seanchan again?" Elaida said with a sigh. "You needn't worry about them."

"My sources say otherwise, Mother," Sheva said stiffly. "I think we need to pay close attention to what they are doing. I have had some sisters ask this child about her experience with them, which has been extensive."

Elaida decided to give the Sitters reprieve to work on this false Amyrlin, serving tea in her Novice white. Shevan had just given the perfect opening, as it were. Elaida's Foretelling proved Egwene, and the rest of the rebels, were no threat. Why not let the child build up her confidence some before pulling out the gallows floor?

"Surely you know how the child is prone to exaggerate." She turned her attention to Egwene. "Have you been spreading lies for your friend, the fool al'Thor? What did he tell you to say about these invaders? They are working for him are they not?" She gave Egwene only a heartbeat, maybe two to consider her answer. "Speak. Tell these women you have been speaking lies. Confess or I'll have you in penance again, girl."

Elaida could see conflict in the Novice's eyes. Egwene feared to continue the lies, but her foolish pride demanded she stay her hand. Egwene glanced at the pitiful Sitters and seemed to find resolve from their intense gazes. When Egwene's eyes flicked back to Elaida, the challenge and contempt on display startled Elaida. Only her Aes Sedai conditioning kept her from visibly reacting. She could see the exact moment Egwene committed to her course of action, an internal struggle decided, a lock containing all Egwene's pretense of propriety thrown open.

"The Seanchan are not working for Rand. And they are a severe danger to the White Tower. I have spread no lies. To say otherwise would be to betray the Three Oaths."

Not a single "Mother". Her stare continued to challenge Elaida, too foolish to even fear what waited at the end of this road. Elaida was starting to feel pity for the path of ruin on which the rebels set this fool child.

"You haven't taken the Three Oaths."

"I have. I've held no Oath Rod, but it isn't the Rod that makes my words true. I have spoken the words of the oaths in my heart, and to me they are more dear, for I have nothing forcing me to hold to them. And by that oath holding me, I tell you again. I am a Dreamer, and I have Dreamed that the Seanchan will attack the White Tower."

Elaida felt a moment of anger, a moment with the silver of her fork biting the inside of her white-knuckled fist, but the moment passed, and amusement prevailed.

"Ah, stubborn as ever I see. I shall have to tell Katerine that she was right. You'll have penance for your exaggerations, child."

"These women know I don't speak lies." Egwene motioned toward the Sitters with her hand. "And each time you insist that I do, you lower yourself in their eyes. Even if you disbelieve my Dream, you must admit that the Seanchan are a threat. They leash women who can channel, using them as weapons with a kind of twisted ter'angreal. I have felt the collar on my neck. I still feel it, sometimes. In my dreams. My nightmares."

A Novice telling the Amyrlin Seat she must. Elaida thought, but something about Egwene's words, and the certainty accompanying them, stirred apprehension in Elaida she could not explain. She thought of the Sitters in the room and knew she had to snuff every ember of rebellion Egwene left burning throughout the Tower, threatening to burn down everything Elaida built.

"You are a foolish child. Well, you have forced my hand. You will kneel before me, child, and beg forgiveness. Right now. Otherwise, I will lock you away alone. Is that what you want? Don't think that the beatings will stop, however. You'll still get your daily penance, you'll just be thrown back into your cell after each one. Now, kneel and beg forgiveness."

Elaida expected to see Egwene's façade crumble at that, but if anything, defiance took root and flourished, a foundation of surety poured and settled.

"And if I do not bow before you?" Egwene arched an eyebrow. "What then?"

Elaida felt an unbalancing of scales with the weight of that simple question. No, Elaida screamed at herself, I am Amyrlin Seat! No mere child can challenge me. A puppet on strings has no weight of its own. The totality of the world's rulers, its kings and queens, weigh on my side! Elaida embraced the source.

"You will kneel, one way or another." Elaida's control of this situation and of herself was the snow and ice at the top of a mountain, and cracks were forming, snow shifting.

"You'll use the Power on me? Do you have to resort to that? Have you no authority without channeling?"

"It is within my rights to discipline one who isn't showing proper respect."

"And so you will make me obey. Is this what you will do to everyone in the Tower, Elaida? An Ajah opposes you, and it is disbanded. Someone displeases you, and you try to destroy her right to be Aes Sedai. You will have every sister bowing down before you by the end of this."

"Nonsense!"

"Oh? And have you told them about your idea for a new oath? Sworn on the Oath Rod by every sister, an oath to obey the Amyrlin and support her?"

Other than a slight tightening of her neck and shoulders, Elaida showed no sign of startlement from that reminder. Elaida was committed to seeing that Oath added, but she was not ready to reveal that to the Tower. Elaida cursed herself for allowing her thoughts to be heard by the enemy, even if just the enemy's puppet.

"I-"

"Deny it. Deny that you made the statement. Will the oaths let you?"

Now she deigns to interrupt me. Elaida thought. What is she implying by invoking the Oaths? I must regain control of this. Even without the Oaths, Meidani attended the meeting where Elaida gave voice to those thoughts. Even skirting the truth was not an option.

"It was just idle talk. Just speculation, thoughts spoken out loud."

"There is often truth in speculation. You locked the Dragon Reborn himself in a box; you just threatened to do the same to me, in front of all of these witnesses. People call him a tyrant, but you are the one destroying our laws and ruling by fear."

Our Laws? This Novice thinks she is one of us! She thinks she can lecture me? Well she will continue to think so if I continue to allow it. Why have I allowed it this long already? Why not gag her and send her to Silviana the moment she stepped out of line? No matter. It is over now. Elaida prepared a weave to gag Egwene with air.

"Go ahead. Use the power to silence me. As Amyrlin, shouldn't you be able to talk an opponent into obedience, rather than resorting to force?"

The truth of that question rankled her. She remembered thinking Tamra Ospenya could talk the River Erinin into flowing back up to Arafel, and Morgase Trakand, a mere queen under Elaida's counsel, could talk the Atha'an Miere into becoming farmers in Andor. No, the manner in which obedience is obtained matters less than the strength on its grip. However, if Elaida used the Power now, she would be doing exactly as Egwene had just "permitted" her, as if it were Egwene's choice, and she, not Elaida held the reins of obedience.

"I don't need to rebut a mere novice. The Amyrlin doesn't explain herself to one such as you."

"'The Amyrlin understands the most complex of creeds and debates. Yet in the end, she is the servant of all, even the lowest of laborers.'"

The way Egwene slightly altered and flattened her voice told Elaida that was a quote from something Elaida should know. Where did she learn that? The rebels must be coaching her to sound like an Amyrlin.

"What is this nonsense you're sputtering?"

"What did you intend to do with Rand al'Thor once you captured him?"
"I don't-"
"You're not answering me, but them."

Egwene tipped her head toward the other observers. Elaida had all but forgotten the Sitters. She expected to see five glares of pure fire directed toward this insolent child, and only restrained by deference to Elaida. Instead, their glares we all focused on Elaida, like five Far Dareis Mai, veiled and ready to spear her very authority as Amyrlin Seat.

"Have you explained yourself, Elaida? What were your plans? Or will you dodge this question just as you have the others I've asked?"

The child did not deserve an answer. She could not grasp the purpose of containing one such as the Dragon Reborn and holding him to fight in Tarmon Gai'don. If Elaida answered this fool child, she would still be resigning control to Egwene. If she dodged it, the Sitters could assume incompetence. Elaida began to feel flanked and cornered. How did I allow a child commoner to maneuver me this way?

"I would have kept him secure, and well shielded, here in the Tower until it was time for the Last Battle. That would have prevented him from causing the suffering and chaos he's created in many nations. It was worth the risk of angering him." Something tugged at Elaida's memory after that explanation. Was that her plan? Did that idea come from Alviarin, Galina?

"'As the plow breaks the earth shall he break the lives of men, and all that was shall be consumed in the fire of his eyes. The trumpet of war shall sound at his footsteps, the ravens feed at his voice, and he shall wear a crown of swords.'"

Elaida knew those words. They were from the Ka-

"The Karaethon Cycle, Elaida. When you had Rand locked away to be kept 'secure', had he yet taken Illian? Had he yet worn what he was to name the Crown of Swords?"

"Well, no."

"And how did you expect him to fulfill the prophecies if he was hidden away in the White Tower? How was he to cause war as the prophecies say he must? How was he to break the nations and bind them to him? How could he 'slay his people with the sword of peace' or 'bind the nine moons to serve him' if he was locked away? Do the prophecies say that he will be 'unfettered'? Do they not speak of the 'chaos of his passing'? How can anything pass at all if he is kept in chains?"

"I..."

"Your logic is astounding, Elaida."

Did Ferane just smile? What, because she challenged my logic? How many times has Egwene called me "Elaida"? She knew that alone should outrage her, but fear dominated her thoughts, fear that Egwene may be right, and that strings may guide her as thoroughly as they controlled Egwene. She knew rebels and Darkfriends populated the Tower but not who or to what extent. How many of my decisions are not mine? That was a problem for later. Elaida must get this child under control.

"Bah! You ask meaningless questions. The prophecies would have to have been fulfilled. There was no other way."

"So you're saying that your attempt to bind him was destined to fail."

Elaida's face heated. Embarrassment that the child steered her into contradiction, anger that she could not recall seeds of thought that led to the farce of a mission, could not recall who planted them. The cracks in the ice grew deeper, louder. Snow danced to their vibrations. The avalanche would destroy Elaida's control and bury her and everything for which she had sacrificed. Maybe I should be the avalanche.

Then the words of her Foretelling replayed in her head. The White Tower will be whole again. Rand al'Thor will face the Amyrlin Seat and know her anger. Elaida regained calm. She already knew how this would end. She had no reason to fear a Dark puppeteer, and less reason to fear this entitled brat standing before her. Elaida would shoulder the minor defeat in this battle against this supremely arrogant, but begrudgingly clever, little girl. The war for the Tower is already a foregone conclusion. The cracks went silent, the snow settled.

"No, not at all. We shouldn't be bothering with this – it's not for you to decide upon. No, we should be talking about your rebels, and what they've done to the White Tower!"

Elaida realized her slip. By calling the rebels hers, she implied they followed Egwene's lead, not only emboldening Egwene further, but implying to everybody else in the room that Elaida no longer saw Egwene as a puppet. Keeping Egwene loose would no longer do. Increasing her punishment would be seen as response to Egwene's behavior, not as acknowledgement of a rival Amrylin. Maybe nobody else even noticed the slip.

"I see them trying to heal the rift between us," Egwene said. "We cannot change what has happened. We can't change what you did to Siuan, even if those with me did discover a method of Healing her stilling."

Elaida remembered her shock at hearing the rumor confirmed, that a wilder, who could not channel without being angry, had discovered how to Heal that which cannot be Healed. Then again, everybody was still in disbelief. Her thoughts returned, and a startling thought interrupted Elaida's planned rebuke. If Egwene truly saw herself as the rebel's Amyrlin, would she not have said "we" are trying to heal? And she said the rift between "us". Is her mind so twisted that she thinks herself Amyrlin here, in my Tower?

"We can only move forward and try our best to smooth scars. What are you doing, Elaida? Refusing talks, trying to bully the Sitters into withdrawing? Insulting Ajahs that are not your own?"

Again, she speaks this "we" as if speaking for my Tower. Doesine murmured something. Did that Yellow just agree? It was past time to end this charade. It was time to silence the child. She wrapped herself in cool serenity once more and prepared to end it. A Foretelling is never wrong."Enough of this."

"Coward."

Coward? Coward! Elaida do Avriny a'Roihan, who spent near to 20 years chasing men who could channel and false dragons, who single-handedly brought down a corrupt Amyrlin and purged the entire Ajah who harbored her, and who forced order on a Tower betrayed and divided by a schism and deadly fighting. No! Elaida was no coward and the accusation of such, from a child no less, would not be borne. The mountain top began to crack and shift anew. The cracks sounded as thunder, the shifting snows as a tempest. The avalanche was held at bay by the strength of a single snowflake.

"How dare you!"

"I dare the truth, Elaida. You are a coward and a tyrant. I'd name you Darkfriend as well, but I suspect that the Dark One would perhaps be embarrassed to associate with you."

The final snowflake gave way.

Elaida pulled in as much of the One Power as she could handle and unleashed it on Egwene. In her mind's eye, she saw Egwene shattered against the wall, misshapen and with eyes of fear fixated on Elaida then glazing over. Only the Third Oath separated Elaida's vision from reality. The wine pitcher Egwene held shattered against the wood floor and sprayed red wine all over the white tablecloth and half the Sitters. Only then did Elaida realize she was screaming, the avalanche already an unstoppable force.

"You name me Darkfriend? You are the Darkfriend. You and those rebels outside, who seek to distract me from doing what must be done."

Again, Elaida tried to kill Egwene. She slammed Egwene and all the broken glass against the wall for a second time. The glass left gashes on her arms. If I cannot kill her. I will make her wish she were dead. Elaida added switches of air that tore her dress and splashed blood onto the wall, carpet, and tablecloth, a red night flower against a white backdrop. Elaida reveled in the sight. She realized Egwene could die of blood loss without Elaida breaking the Third Oath, and from that thought, she resolved to proclaim all Oaths meaningless and removed except the Oath of fealty to the Amyrlin Seat. She would begin the removal and reaffirming of Oaths tomorrow with Egwene's body on display. Then nobody would mock Elaida again.

"Elaida, stop it!" Rubinde this time. "Are you mad?"

Sitters following the defiant example of a child, puppet Amyrlin. No. I am the only sane one present. Elaida leveled her rage against Rubinde while keeping the switches beating, bruising, cutting. She knew the pain she inflicted now would put to bed all thoughts of disobedience within Egwene. She knew the others could see the weaves and learn the force with which Elaida would exert her authority.

"Do not tempt me, Green!" Elaida was still screaming.

"Elaida!" Now Ferane stood in defiance, too. "You violate Tower law! You cannot use the Power to punish an initiate!"

Why not? Elaidathought. How better to accelerate their coming to heel? I will add changing that law to my agenda for tomorrow.

"I am Tower law." Elaida pointed at the Sitters, her hand shaking from the unleashed avalanche, her long dress sleeve clinging to an arm glistening with sweat. "You mock me. I know you do it. Behind my back. You show me deference when you see me, but I know what you say, what you whisper. You ungrateful fools! After what I've done for you! Do you think I'll suffer you forever? Take this one as an example!"

Assured they were watching and learning, she turned back to Egwene…and everything Elaida knew about Egwene al'Vere blew away like dandelion spores from a stiff breeze across the Murundian farm fields of her upbringing.

There stood a mass of discolored, swollen flesh with more of her blood splattered on the room around her than what likely remained to her. No gag silenced Egwene's screams, yet she had not made a sound. Statues would howl from the pain Elaida dispensed. A corpse would have looked haler.

Except no corpse had coruscating suns for eyes that burned away every layer of protection Elaida had carefully lain around the part of her she kept locked away – the part of her that threatened to devour when Alviarin slapped her face, when Silviana administered her "penance", when she pretended not to see the poorly hidden sneers and backward glances of fear. Isolating herself, and building her own castle, were just more layers under which she hid the truth.

The truth she hid was Elaida herself, her true self, the core of her being. The truth was an all-consuming sphere of self-hatred, loneliness, and cowardice. Her core accompanied her for every waking moment, and every nightmare, since her earliest memories. She was the youngest daughter when her parents prayed to Light for a son. They voiced their feelings openly, turning Elaida's siblings against her. She suffered no physical abuse, but Elaida's family ensured she could never forget her existence was incorrect. She was unwanted. Nobody would ever want her. Elaida would forever be nothing. When her family discovered Elaida could channel, they cast her out as worse than a mistake, worse than nothing. She was a scourge.

Elaida fled for the Tower, determined to start life anew. She was the fastest to ever achieve the Ring and the Shaw. She knew she was destined for the Red, seeing them as the most isolated, a sister even a Warder would not want. She still saw herself as little more than nothing until the Red Ajah accepted her with open and welcoming arms. When she realized their isolation was for duty and that the Red Ajah were the Tower's only true leaders - protecting the world from another Breaking by the hands of insane male channelers – she found the courage to see herself in the mirror and not hate who looked back.

The fire of self-deprecation was almost extinguished. Then Sanche ascended and destroyed everything. That the Hall picked a younger, weaker Blue made a lie out Elaida's fleeting sense of belonging. Elaida had not even considered herself for the Seat, and despite knowing how many other, more qualified sisters were skipped over, the personal slight she felt refused to relent. After everything, Elaida was still unwanted.

Her core returned with more intensity, and she knew then nothing could ever extinguish the flame. Her only recourse was to lock it away and shield herself from it with lies and deceit. The First Oath stopped her from lying to others, but she found no trouble lying to herself, and those lies became her armor. Self-hatred was a constant, searing pain she tried to diminish by causing pain in others. Those actions only served as bellows to a furnace, but she convinced herself the pain she caused would strengthen those who earned it, that she was working towards the greater good, and those lies became another veneer of protection.

Elaida's layers of lies had become so thick, she had begun to think the pain gone, the flames smothered. Until a teenaged innkeeper's daughter from a small sheep farming village became the living embodiment of the spirit of Manetheren, the personification of the legend. A nation, who should have fled to start over, stood against the darkness, knowing they were alone and soon to face death. And a girl, who should be begging for mercy, who knew she faced her own end, alone in enemy territory, stood against lies and tyranny. Egwene stood calmly as the morning after a storm and proudly as a queen at court…or an Amyrlin presiding over the Hall. That alone stoked Elaida's core to conflagration.

Now unsheltered from the truth, Elaida knew she was false, an imposter. She knew that the power of a leader came from those who followed, not by the fleeting obedience driven by fear. Fear only pushed people to hide their defiance to protect themselves from consequence. If Elaida were the leader she saw in her quilt of lies, the Tower would be whole, and every Sister honored to follow, support, and amplify inspiring visions for the future of all. Nobody truly followed Elaida. They only feared the repercussions of their refusal's discovery.

Elaida's exposed core reminded her that the Keeper of the Seals, the Flame of Tar Valon, would not jeopardize the Pattern, and all life, by putting the Dragon Reborn into a box for personal glory. No single woman, nor all the Aes Sedai in the world could hope to control the very forces of Wheel's Turning. A true leader would provide knowledge and insight, when possible, guidance when needed, but trust the Wheel and allow al'Thor to operate unrestricted, while completing their own required missions to clear his path.

As the last layer curled and flaked away, Elaida's core became all. She was ruined. No, what never existed could never be ruined. Elaida was a husk filled with ashes. She stood at the bottom of a rumbling mountain, in only her shift, watching the crush of snow and ice, rushing to obliterate.

Elaida could only gasp softly and put her hand to her breast. She idly kept the switches moving, though she forgot why. After what seemed an Age, Elaida's destroyer, both hideously marred and resplendent in the light of her adamantine spirit, spoke.

"And what am I to be an example of, Elaida?"

"By the Light," Rubinde whispered.

Beneath the welts, blood, and bruises emerged the epitome of Aes Sedai serenity. How is this possible? Elaida began to grasp for anything that might save her from this woman's onslaught, from her own retched self-awareness. No human of the Creator's Light could stand there without even flinching and look…sad? Where is the fury that was there? She just looks resigned, but not for herself. What did Rubinde say? By the Light? No, not by the Light – by the Dark One himself. She's a Darkfriend. Only a mind twisted by the Dark One could manage this resistance. Only a Darkfriend could dredge up so much despair and so thoroughly break me with a look. Elaida used that thought to wrap one tenuous covering over the truth.

"I wish I weren't needed here, Elaida. I wish that the Tower had a grand Amyrlin in you. I wish I could step down and accept your rule. I wish you deserved it. I would willingly accept execution, if it would mean leaving a competent Amyrlin. The White Tower is more important than I am. Can you say the same?"

Remembering a Darkfriend stood before her preserved Elaida's diaphanous protection from the despair. It was enough to partially come back to herself. Elaida decided a quick death would not suffice for this monster.

"You want execution!" Elaida bellowed, though her voice was not as strong. "Well, you shall not have it! Death is too good for you, Darkfriend! I shall see you beaten-everyone shall see you beaten-until I am through with you. Only then will you die!"

She turned to the servants, fear locking them in their places at the side of the room. Elaida knew they would spread what they witnessed. She could stop them, but she knew it would serve no purpose. They, like everybody else, only feared but did not follow. Having people follow from fear is better than nobody following at all. They see me as the scourge I am.

"Send for soldiers! I want this one cast into the deepest cell the Tower can provide! Let it be voiced through the city that Egwene al'Vere is a Darkfriend who has rejected the Amyrlin's grace!"

The Amyrlin's grace. The Amyrlin is supposed to have grace. I know not the meaning of the word except from the examples of others. People follow grace. They love grace. I've never shown grace or felt love. The servants rushed to comply. Elaida kept her switches beating, and Egwene's eyes rolled up as she finally succumbed. She leaned back against the wall covered in her own blood. Elaida heard weeping coming from the Sitters. She looked over to find a mix of horror and hatred. Doesine, with a furious glare slashed Elaida's weaves to tatters and rushed to Heal Egwene. She did not seem to fear Elaida, the true imposter, anymore.

Elaida did not object to Doesine's actions. "Stop the bleeding, but no more. I do not want that Darkfriend to open her mouth in my presence ever again." She uttered those words by wrote, the pre-determined manner of speaking she had grown accustomed, but she did not feel them or even believe them.

She stared at Egwene without really seeing her, or anything for that matter. She contemplated Egwene's words, seeing the signatures of truth but dispelling them as the forgeries of a Darkfriend. How did this little girl completely deconstruct me? A thought struck her. Could she be one of the Forsaken? Only one of them could manage this. As soon as the thought took shape, it crumbled. Despite every effort to block the light, the truth shown through. Without doubt, she was manipulated by the Dark, but her core reminded her that the Dark simply picked the easiest and most opportune target, and everything that made Elaida who she was, made her a beacon for corruption. Elaida's core escaped from the temporary barrier and enveloped her again with its searing honesty.

Maybe I am a Darkfriend. No, I serve the Light! I always have.

You serve only yourself.

I have nothing and nobody. I never have. I should right this wrong. I should remove myself from the Seat, from the Tower… from life.

You will never do that. Had you possessed the courage or inclination, you would have done it when you first realized you were unwanted. A real Amyrlin would admit her failures, admit she is not up to the task, and get out of the way. You are not she.

Your quest for power and glory is but one more way to hide from the truth, nothing else. Even now, knowing what you must do, you cannot let go of what you have. The pathetic irony is, even when you thought you had everything, you had nothing but illusions. You grasp desperately to a ledge that cannot support you, a ledge as illusionary as your power. You will never be what your lies made you out to be. You are too weak to hold on and too cowardly to let go.

Elaida sighed with dejection, let her head drop, and slumped her shoulders. Without moving her feet or even raising a protective hand, she allowed the avalanche to bury her.

How could my Foretelling be wrong?

It wasn't.

Chapter 40: The Tower Shakes

Elaida sat in the Amyrlin's study with her elbows on her knees and her forehead cradled in her hands. The chair she occupied was the same one that normally sat, perfectly centered, behind her writing desk. Now it sat close enough to the window behind the desk that Elaida could touch her toes to the window with little effort.

"The Dinner" were the words affixed to Elaida's breaking, an honorific to some, a curse to others. The day after The Dinner, the Hall formally censured Elaida. She went to the Hall wondering if they would depose and execute her. She even wished for it. She sat and absorbed the whole meeting with as much emotion as she would display for an army expense report. After the Hall passed their judgments, Elaida left the meeting without a word.

In her chair, Elaida contemplated the meaninglessness of her life. Even the Three Oaths, which had almost saved her once, lost all meaning. Without lying, a sister could point to the sky in the middle of the night and declare that the sky is blue. That sister would be momentarily incorrect, but she would not be lying. Elaida could argue that she did not serve the Dark, but when the sum of her time in the Tower appeared in history lessons, her actions would not just appear as the Dark's efforts, but a masterful display the Dark One's touch on the world. The truth did not matter to the Oath Rod, only a sister's perception or manipulation of it. How are unwitting lies, or truths in obscure detail only, any less destructive than lies spoken with purpose?

The most destructive weapon in this Age, and likely every Age, is belief. How many men have died prosecuting the beliefs of their rulers? How many have died for the simple belief that he or she might be a Darkfriend? How many did the Aiel kill for the belief in a magic tree? Where do beliefs come from? Are they not just a collection of ideas, categorized, related, and ordered? Then those with enough influence forge ideas to become inviolate and brand them into the minds of any who listen to become belief. It starts at birth and continues to death. Parents to children, masters to apprentices, rulers to subjects…Aes Sedai to nations. "Make no weapon with which one man may kill another." What then are the ideas and beliefs forced on the world by its most influential governing body? Tales of disputes settled and war averted fill the Tower libraries. What of those who died in the enforcement of new treaties brokered by Aes Sedai? What of the wars between two nations appearing to dissipate only to find they were redirected to another nation with less power to defend, thereby increasing the death toll. A sword wrought of the Power may kill those it cuts, but a sword wrought of beliefs created by the White Tower may kill thousands and continue killing for generations.

A blade master can slap a man with the flat of his blade and draw no blood, yet the sword remains a weapon. A whip can crack harmlessly over a horse's ear or flay skin to bone. An axe can chop wood or cleave a skull. A rolling pin and work dough or break bones. Fire can provide heat, warm a stew, destroy cities, and melt flesh. Water can quench a deadly thirst and drown a baby. Anything can be a weapon or a tool, life-sustaining or life-ending. The One Power is no different. Elaida intended to kill Egwene, but she did not feel endangered. Upon reflection, Elaida believed the fear she felt during her own breaking enough to remove the block. The defense of one's life is subjective. Elaida did fear bodily death, yet she knew her life was over and could have defended herself in that mind state. Any sister who misinterprets a situation or has less resolve may kill when reality would have left her unharmed.

Furthermore, a weapon is still a weapon even if the wounds are superficial. How are the switches of air used for discipline not weapons if they leave cuts and bruises? Without Doesine, Egwene would have died to Elaida's use of the One Power, and how could it not be named a weapon if it resulted in death?

The Three Oaths badgered Elaida relentlessly during her tenure in the Tower. She lost count of the times she wished to be rid of them. But they were the only things that felt real, the only common bond with other humans in a life of rejection. Her Shaw and her Oaths were all she had, all that kept her from desolation. Elaida was not surprised to find that even they were spurious. Even the Oaths spurned this destitute woman.

Two days ago, Silviana condemned Elaida and demanded Egwene's release, in front of the gathered Hall, for her actions against al'Vere. Four days before that, Elaida would have reacted with rage. This time Elaida was of two minds. One mind desperately wanted to agree with Silviana, remove her own Stole, and put herself in a cell…or a noose. The other mind was ambivalent at most. Elaida's reaction was numb, but, subsumed by her core as she was, all she could do was chase away the truth that haunted. She replaced Silviana with Katerine and had the former jailed, awaiting Stilling.

She had not changed her dress or washed since that meeting. Her supper still sat untouched on her table, as had the two meals before and all three of yesterday's meals. Twice today, Elaida had opened the window and walked to the edge. She gripped the frame above her head and leaned out. Both times, she resolved to let go and plummet to her death, only to find herself sitting her chair with her knees pulled up to her chest, shaking and rocking.

Elaida lost track of how long she sat here this time, but her legs were numb, her back was sore from hunching, and her forehead tingled where her palms pressed. She heard a hollow thud, not quite thunder, more like an enormous drum in the distance. She looked out the window slowly and saw nothing. After some time, and more of those thuds, she started seeing flashes - white flashes to her right, like lightning, and orange lights to her left.

The frequency of both light sources increased, and then Elaida caught her first glimpse of whatever could be causing the display. What she saw may have turned her blood to ice before, but now it simply fed the fire of her own self-loathing, piling one more failure on the mountain of failures within.

The last thing Elaida saw before losing consciousness was a blinding light that struck with enough force to toss her and her chair into the opposite wall. Elaida felt no fear while flying backwards through the air, pieces of her window, and the wall around it, exploding into the room with her and out into the night. She fully embraced her anticipated death. Only one thought crossed her mind.

Egwene really is a Dreamer.