"They say to gain knowledge, one must seek it!  Shall we, Eddy?"

I hurried after Ed, making sure to give Eddy a wide berth just in case he remained fixated on his latest cockamamie get-rich-quick scheme.  I mean, really, Master Eddy's School of Kung-Fu?  Who could possibly fall for such a farfetched setup?  I'm sorry, but twelve straight hours of Japanese monster movies does not a martial arts master make, no matter how enthusiastically Ed may have been chopping through walls with his head afterwards!

Now please don't misunderstand me – despite my misgivings, I never would have dreamed of leaving Eddy and Ed to carry out this ill-advised plan on their own – I shudder to think of the havoc they could have wreaked if left unsupervised!  And I must admit, the lure of acting as the, ahem, 'school''s head instructor was more than I could resist (curse my weakness for all things academic!).  But things were rapidly deteriorating by the time this newest diversion came about, and so I was more than content to let the matter of 'Master Eddy' go the way of 'Giganu-san, Scourge of Tokyo' in the grand finale of Ed's monster movie marathon from the previous night.

Much to my relief, Eddy resigned himself to following us with minimal argument.  As for me, I couldn't help but feel a brief thrill of anticipation at the possibilities presented by this new mystery – why, could the source of all the excitement be something as mind-expanding as a bookmobile, or as culturally-enriching as a new museum opening up along the main thoroughfare?

Some days, even I have to wonder at my unbridled optimism.

By the time my friends and I had arrived, the rest of the cul-de-sac was already in attendance, no doubt eager for any small distraction from the drudgery of this seemingly endless summer (oh, when will school resume?).  Despite the crowds, I had an unobstructed view of the spectacle at hand, although I hope you'll understand if I wasn't exactly overjoyed by that.

Dressed in some faintly glistening violet material of indeterminate origin, perched high atop a makeshift pedestal – a pedestal, no doubt, that was never tested for balance or load-bearing integrity – stood Rolf, basking in the attention of his bewildered audience.  At least, I was bewildered – the rest of the cul-de-sac seemed to be taking Rolf's uniquely ethnic garb in stride.  Sometimes I wonder if those power-lines bordering our cul-de-sac might not be a factor in my peers', ah, occasionally unorthodox behaviors…

"Hey Rolf, what'cha doing?"  Jonny spoke the question on everyone's mind, albeit in a less grammatically correct fashion than one could have hoped.

"Rolf thought no one would ask!"  Well, I have to give Rolf credit, he certainly met the gawking stares with aplomb – in fact, he seemed positively pleased at the attention, if you can imagine that!  "Feast your eyes on Rolf's customary dress, sewn together from the membrane of the great sea-cucumber!"  Sea-cucumber membranes?  How unsanitary!  Didn't he realize that sea-cucumbers are known to give off a toxin capable of causing extremely unpleasant rashes?  But even as I began a mental inventory of my medical supplies in preparation for the anti-inflammatory ointment I was sure Rolf would soon be needing, he continued with his explanation.

"The fittings were excruciating, but that's another story."  You'll forgive me, I hope, if I remain less than shattered that we didn't hear that particular story?  "All for the honor of Rolf's Great Nano!"  I couldn't help but wince at this reference to 'Great Nano,' fearing the onset of yet another interminable story about this revered ancestor.  Forgive me if I sound rude, but even I have my limits when it comes to hopelessly convoluted yarns such as Rolf is capable of spinning!

"Let us celebrate, yes!"  Faced with the prospect of another Great Nano story, I was almost relieved when Rolf launched into talk of celebration.  "Every year as part of our guilt-ridden traditions Rolf's family pays tribute to Rolf's Great Nano and the mighty sea-cucumber!"  Oh, what horrors awaited us now?

"Right on!"  Leave it to Jonny to greet the Sea-Cucumber festivities with such enthusiasm.  Eddy insists poor Jonny is, ah, in less than full control of his mental faculties…There are days when I don't completely disagree with his diagnosis…

"Welcome, my friends, don't be shy!  Feast from the box of food made from the respected sea creature!"  It was at this juncture, as Rolf began distributing what looked suspiciously similar to Ed's ill-fated attempt at 'belly-button lint farming,' that I began to regret my hasty abandonment of Eddy's Kung-Fu endeavor.  That's one thing about Peach Creek – no matter how ludicrous you think your present circumstances might be, an even more outlandish situation is never far away.

Yes, I had realized that I could stomach Eddy's 'I told you so's' far more easily than a mouthful of sea-cucumbers, and was about to suggest that we return to our never-ending scams, but already I was too late.

"Try one, Ed-boy!  Momma's sea-cucumber balls are good for the digestion spout!"  Oh dear, Rolf was offering his aquatic atrocities to Eddy of all people!  I readied an apology for the rudeness I expected to spew forth from Eddy's 'digestion spout,' but to my astonishment, Eddy accepted the proffered 'treat' with an almost-polite "No foolin'?"  For one brief, shining moment, I entertained the hope that perhaps my influence truly was rubbing off on Eddy – in manners, at least, if not in grammar – but I didn't have long to savor this possibility before I myself was confronted with Rolf's 'respected sea creature'.

"Um, wh-why thank you Rolf."  Every nerve in my hand cried out for me to drop the pulpy-yet-leathery hors-d'oeuvre, but I could never forgive myself for such an insensitive gesture in the face of Rolf's unflagging enthusiasm.  Still, I couldn't bear holding it much longer (it was pulsating, I tell you, why in heaven's name was it pulsating?!?), so I reflexively slipped it beneath my hat (seventeen shampooings later, and my hair still smells undeniably fishy – oh, the price I pay for my polite nature!).

And as if that wasn't bad enough!  "Hey, Double-D Sock-head!"  Ah, 'Sock-head,' Eddy's favorite term of 'endearment' for me – well, I suppose it could be worse, thank heavens for his stubborn refusal to employ his creativity in any pursuits not directly related to income-generation.  "See that knothole on the fence?  Bet I can hit it!"

I couldn't believe my ears, how could he be so insensitive??  "Eddy, no!"  He ignored my protestations and launched Rolf's sea-cucumber ball at the fence.  It was awful, I tell you, truly awful!  As the sea-cucumber ball hurtled ever nearer its demise, I tore my gaze away to watch the growing expression of horror on Rolf's face – no doubt about it, those abominable appetizers represented far more than an unsavory means of gaining nourishment!

Eddy, however, was typically oblivious to the effects of his latest misdoing.  "Stupid fish-ball."  As Rolf ran inside, Eddy handed me another sea-cucumber and pointed me towards the fence.  "Give it a shot, Double-D!"  

That's just Eddy's way of being friendly, I know, but I do wish he could be a bit more selective of his moments.  "Eddy, show some respect!"  I mean, was he truly unable to gauge the impact his actions had on Rolf? 

My reproach served only to irritate him, however.  "What's your problem?"  I was about to explain the situation, but Ed spoke up first.

"It's his hat, Eddy, he always wears it and he talks forever about stuff!  Not to mention his obsession with cleanliness, big problem!"

W-well, one can't fault Ed for speaking his mind, can he?  Heh-heh, loveable oaf…In my own defense, I don't think I'm 'obsessed' with cleanliness, do you?  I mean, there's nothing wrong with enjoying a well-ordered, contaminant-free environment in one's own home, especially when every other aspect of one's life is saturated with chaos and, well, for lack of a better word, 'messiness'…wouldn't you agree?

And…I'm not really that verbose…am I?

Oh yes, Rolf!  Please excuse the momentary digression…um, one that, I hope, you don't think went on forever?  But as I was saying, Ed's editorial notwithstanding, it was at that moment that Rolf returned from inside his house, where he had apparently shed his festive aquatic costume in favor of something far more, um, somber.

"Rolf mourns the loss of his honor."  Oh my…I had realized, of course, that Eddy had upset him, but who could have guessed that the untimely demise of one sea-cucumber ball could merit such an extreme reaction?  Of course, Rolf is quite unpredictable at times, I suppose I should be grateful he hadn't come back out with his…uh…h-hat of discipline…"As you leave, please trod on Rolf's face, as Eddy has shamed the son of a shepherd!"

I'd like to say my fellow residents were sympathetic to poor Rolf's plight, but if they were, they knew of no better way of expressing it than to heed his request and exit via a path that took them directly over his face.

Eddy, meanwhile, remained stubbornly oblivious.  "What'd I do?"  I hope you don't judge him too harshly, I believe he truly was unclear as to the reason for everyone's consternation.  He's never exactly been in-tune to the feelings of others, and with role models like his elder brother (who, though I've never met him, does seem to be the source for much of Eddy's, ah, less-than-desirable personality traits) and his parents (used car salesmen, the both of them – why, the first time I had dinner at their house I found myself paying a dime per napkin before Eddy came to my aid!), I suppose I can understand why.  I do what I can to try to instill more well-mannered behavior in him, but, well, let's just say he doesn't quite perceive me as the ideal role model.

"Hurry up guys, before he gets up!"  Oh heavens, I'd forgotten all about Ed!  That's never a safe mistake, at least if you prefer that things not be blown up, devoured, or otherwise hopelessly mangled.  "Rolf has such good parties!

"No, Ed!"  I couldn't let Ed trample poor Rolf, we'd done far more than enough to him as it was!  "We'll leave this way!"  Through some wildly unlikely, though happily well-timed, marvel of physical improbability, I mustered what strength I had and somehow halted Ed's overly-enthused stampede.  You think it's difficult building satellites out of cardboard boxes or bicycles out of hand-me-down kitchenware?  Try bringing Ed to a halt against his will sometime!  "Boy, you're heavy, Ed!"  Now that was understatement at its best, my arms are still aching from that miracle of overexertion!

"Would somebody tell me what I did wrong?"  Eddy might not exactly have felt guilty over his misdeeds, but at least he recognized that something was amiss – it was a start, I suppose!  "What did I do?"

I could have explained that through his actions, he'd expressed not only his disdain for sea-cucumber cuisine, but for Rolf's heritage, Rolf's beloved Great Nano, and ultimately Rolf himself – but at the moment I was too busy loading Ed into a dolly I had fortunately stored in my pocket earlier that day (should I be disturbed at the seemingly impossible capacity of my pockets?  Well, to tell you the truth, there are any number of phenomena in my life that seem to be in utter violation of the laws of physics…I-I find that for my own peace of mind, it's best not to dwell on them).  At any rate, were I not busy with Ed, I could have explained all this to Eddy, thereby enriching his appreciation for the cultural differences that –

Oh, who am I kidding, Eddy never would have listened to me anyway.  "Let's go, Eddy."  At the very least, I could aid Rolf by ridding him of my friends and myself. 

"I didn't do anything…"

Yes indeed, sometimes the gift of absence is the best thing one can give.