Hello! Welcome to my head! I am Ed, singer of the Cole-Slaw song! Will you sing it with me?
Oh, but maybe you don't know it, huh? Double-D says I shouldn't make people sing songs only I can hear – he says that is rude with a capital "Q"! Uh, I think that is what he said. Okay, Ed will tell you a story instead! Buckle up, little buckaroo, and get on board the Storytime Express!
It all started when I was in the junkyard with my pals, Eddy and Double-D, and we had found the coolest van ever! It smelled just like my room so I felt right at home – but boy, did it take Double-D a long time to get in! I thought he was scared that the terrible Baron von Fahrvergnugen was waiting inside to suck out all our brain juice, but I guess he was just having a hard time climbing in, 'coz after a while Eddy yelled something – to scare away the Baron, I guess – and then he helped Double-D get in. Eddy is such a good pal, he always looks out for me and Double-D! And after I pulled Double-D up off the carpet and knocked away those funny little star-thingies that were flying around his head he looked real happy to be there, too. He sat down between me and Eddy and stayed real still, like he was pretending the van was made of acid and he was trying not to touch anything in case it might melt the skin right off his bones! Ho-ho, he has such a good imagination!
Oh yeah, the van. I was going to drive us all to the world of everlasting pudding pops, but Eddy said he would let me drive when Rolf's pigs learned to fly – oh boy, I did not know Wilfred was so talented! And if Wilfred could fly, maybe Victor could, too, and Gertrude the chicken, and maybe they would all fly right out of Rolf's barn and swoop down to pick me up so we could all fly off to a world where you sleep on beds of buttered toast, and gravy flows right out of the faucets! I tried to teach my bathtub faucet to do that once by filling up the tub with gravy so I could show it what I wanted, but it did not work – I don't think it knew what I meant, faucets are weird! But now Rolf's animals could fly us away to Gravyland where the faucets already knew what to do, oh boy! I forgot all about driving then, all I wanted was to keep my head out the window so I would not miss the flying animals.
But Eddy was driving really slow, I guess he was afraid he would hit the flying pigs. We did not see any, though, maybe Rolf locked them all up in his barn so they would not fly away. That must be why Eddy got so mad and yelled, "What's Rolf's problem?"
I was gonna pull my head in to tell him he should drive us over to Rolf's so we could free the pigs, but when I looked I couldn't see him or Double-D so I tried to turn my head back out the window. I didn't see them outside either, though, so I thought maybe they were in the van after all so I turned back again and somehow my feet ended up where my head usually is and my hair got stuck on the fuzzy van carpet – it tickled, kind of like Velcro only exactly not – and I could not get up!
Oh no, what if Rolf's animals had flown them to Gravyland without me? "Help me, guys!" I was so scared they had gone and left me all alone, but when I got free of the horrible Velcro monster, I found Eddy and Double-D waiting right outside the van – those guys are the best, they would never go to Gravyland without me!
Eddy was yelling at Double-D about something – gosh, he does that a lot! Maybe he's worried that Double-D's hat makes it hard for him to hear. I don't know why, though, since his hat does not cover his ears – boy, Eddy should pay more attention to stuff, huh?
But then I noticed that they both looked pretty upset, I guess because they did not know how to get the flying animals. Eddy and Double-D aren't too good with animals – Eddy says they are useless because they never have any money, and Double-D is always so nervous all the time, I guess he makes animals nervous, too – so I knew they would never get them without me. Ed to the rescue! "Why don't you bake cupcakes, Eddy?" Rolf's animals love cupcakes!
"Cupcakes?" I love it when Double-D stares at me like that, 'coz I know it means he's really impressed with my good idea! He likes being the smart one, though, so I try not to do that too much.
"Monobrow's right." Eddy says he calls me Monobrow because I only have one nose. Or maybe it was because he likes my jacket so much, I forget now. "All this talk about food's making me hungry!" Oh boy, cupcakes good for Ed! We were going to bake cupcakes, and it was all my idea! I am the ideal idea man for dealing ideas! Did that rhyme?
"Very well, then, bake your cupcakes." Sometimes Double-D sounds mad when he means to sound happy – poor little dickens, it must be hard to blend in with us humans when you're really a half-lizard mutant. That is okay, though, because me and Eddy like him anyway. "But offer them to Rolf as a token of apology!" I tried to use cupcakes as tokens once, but then the arcade manager kicked me out because he said I was breaking his machines. I would've told Double-D that wouldn't work, but then I started thinking about how much fun it would be to go to the arcade and defeat the evil space-hams in that game Zenda, Defender of the Pork People, and I forgot all about the cupcakes.
But Eddy was there to remind Double-D. "Nope. No cupcakes." Double-D seemed really disappointed about that. I guess he wanted to play Zenda, too.
"Fine! Then if you won't apologize, I will!" Did he do something bad? "A healthy potted plant should open the door to diplomacy!" I don't think 'dip-lo-ma-cy' is a real word, is it? Ho-ho, that is what I love best about Double-D – even when he does not know what to say he still says stuff, only he makes it up so nobody can tell! That is why he is so smart, huh? And to prove how smart he was, he pulled a plant right out of nowhere – I asked him to show me how he does that once but he just sort of laughed a little and said some words I did not understand. Maybe it's a secret they taught him in that 'gifted' class he always goes to in school when the rest of us are at gym – boy, he is so lucky!
Oh, but then he ran off, so me and Eddy followed behind – three brave soldiers, off to fight a battle for the freedom of the amazing flying animals!
And that, my friends, is the story of how the Band-Aid got its name! What? Oh yeah, I mean the story of how stuff happened to me and my buddies down at the junkyard. Pretty good, huh? Okay, you can go now, Ed needs to search for his flying pigs!
Oink!
