DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just parody them (don't you love how absolutely anything can be made a verb if you say it in the right tone of voice?)
Author's note: This is an advice column for actual 7th Heaven characters only. If you are truly seeking help, ask someone you trust, and my prayers will be with you.
DEAR RUTHIE: CHAPTER 2
Dear Ruthie,
I can't seem to keep from having children. I already have seven, and even though I'm post-menopausal, I get the sinking impression that I will magically become impregnated again by some evil plot bunnies. I don't know if I could take it if I had triplets, who I would inevitably name Rachel, Rebecca, and Abigail, because all of my children except my second daughter must have Biblical names so that "Lucy" will feel ignored and have a permanent complex. Any ideas on how to keep from getting pregnant again? Thanks so much.
A.
Dear Mom,
I know it might seem unbelievable, but there's this thing called birth control. See, being the sage I am at twelve, I know that certain methods of contraception can actually prevent pregnancy. I don't think you need to worry about having more children, though, because something tells me that seven is the magic number. You might consider giving some thought to not adopting any more pseudo-children, because the house is starting to feel like a menagerie. And don't worry, there are plenty of other ways of giving Lucy a complex.
Ruthie
