DISCLAIMER: Nope, still not mine

            Dear Ruthie,

I am a middle-aged, non-denominational pseudo-Christian minister.  For some reason, I feel like my faith is being tried past all limits.  My wonderful family and ever-growing church (which includes everyone in Glenoak at one time or another) care about me, but they seem to think that I need help.  I have no idea *gasping for air* where they got such an absurd idea.  What can I do about this crisis of faith?

            E.

            Dear Dad,

About this "faith" of yours… it seems to my brilliant-beyond-my-years mind that you could use to develop some.  Perhaps if you were actually Christian instead of a poser, your "faith" might not be so hard hit by the vast success of your ministry.  I can see how it's been trying and why you might suddenly decide that helping people isn't your calling.  You were obviously meant for a different path, and God has been playing with you all these years, just as you have been playing with all of us with this talk of so-called "prayer."  Perhaps you could get a job at McDonald's where you would inevitably find a single mother of twelve in need of help for her diabetic triplets and help her overcome racial adversity to send all of her kids to Disney World.   I would, however, request that you not quit your job.  You seem to have forgotten the fact that the church owns the house we live in.

            Ruthie

P.S.  Don't forget to breathe.