DISCLAIMER: I don't own them; I just ridicule them.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry it's been so long since the last update.  I've been mourning the THWACK story by Fruitcake… it was banned, which as a fellow FA member makes me very sad.  Show your support for the Fruitcake!!!  Email fruitcakehq@yahoo.com to join the Fruitcake Alliance and get in on our plot to show people what THWACKage really is.  Thwackage.com… it's coming soon.

            Dear Ruthie,

I'm a thirty-eight year old mother of a twelve year old son.  Lately, I've found that I tend to let not only my own son, but also other people's four year old children, direct my love life.  I'm afraid I might be a nymphomaniac, and for some reason, the name "Benjamin" turns me on.

           

            -P

            Dear Peter's Mom,

I know your name is Paris, but I refuse to refer to you like that.  Don't feel bad about the fact that Sam-and-David (one person, not two) direct your love life.  I'm training them as puppetmasters.  As my little PIT's will tell you (puppetmasters in training), you should date people whose names turn you on, but I'm a bit disturbed by the extent of your tonsil hockey with Ben.  Though I am the undisputed sage of this family, I'm not a certified psychiatrist and therefore cannot prescribe de-sexifying medicine for you.  Maybe you should date someone named "Christopher" or "William."  I'm sure you can make those names sound dirty as well.  Good luck.

            -Ruthie

            Dear Ruthie,

I'll kiss you when I want to kiss you.

            -P

            Dear Peter,

I scoff in your general direction.  I'll kiss you when I want to kiss you, and you darn well know it.  Dance, my puppet, dance.

- Ruthie

TBC… but only if you guys review.