DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters or anyone else mentioned in this fic.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Has anyone else seen any particularly whiny authors' notes lately?  Muahahahahahahahaha!

            Dear Ruthie,

I am having trouble moving the muscles in my face.  It's almost as if my eyes and mouth are simply painted on.  I'm a little afraid that I am simply a ventriloquist's dummy, or worse, sometimes I feel like I'm a token character on a television show who is played by an actor who obviously must be related to someone.  On an additionally disturbing note, lately, I've begun to look a little bit like "Chandler" from Friends.  Please help.

            -J.

            Dear Jimmy Moon,

You are not a real person, you are Jimmy Moon.  I sympathize with your fears about your inadequacies and emotional deficiencies as a feeling human being; however, my best advice to you is to duct tape the ends of your lips to your ears in order to achieve a semi-smiling position.  Duct tape can cover up a myriad of sins.

            -Ruthie

            Dear Ruthie,

I am a TRUE 7th Heaven fan who is disturbed by the amount of anti-fanfiction on this site!  When will people understand that humor, parody, and even creative ideas that push the edge of the canon MUST at all costs be replaced by serious fic in which Ruthie is kidnapped while Mary's hi-jacked plane detours in order to provide the pseudo-Reverend Camden with enough time to minister to an abused woman AND a Vietnamese mime trying to break through the wicked mime culture barrier?!  Please make a statement on this subject.

            -anonymous

            Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for defending my integrity, but I feel I must, in my omnipotence, point something out.  I am not real.  Sadly, no matter how much you protect my character from possible defacement, I will still remain fictional.  I feel I must also point out that there is a "parody" option for fanfiction for a reason.  Somehow, you remind me of my sister Lucy.  THWACK.

            -Ruthie