DISCLAIMER: I don't own them.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Loooooong, slightly crazy chapter. I just saw the 'everyone smokes' episode for the first time, and I had to blow off some steam. I was promised that fruitcake would write a good thwack on it soon, but so far, no avail, so this is my contribution to the common good. Oh, and I'm nominated for a THWACK award, so I rejoice.
Dear Ruthie,
I'm stressed from my sexy toes to my oh-so-square jaw, so I've been smoking lately. What do you think?
~K
Dear Ruthie,
I like smoking. I think it makes me cool.
~P
Dear Ruthie,
Me likes pretend smoke.
~S-V
Dear Ruthie,
I accidentally burnt a house down, and now I'm furious at the non-smokers of the world for their stupid superiority complexes.
~B's F
Dear Ruthie,
I'm considering smoking a little doggie cigarette. Do you think this is a good idea?
~H the D
Dear Ruthie,
I feel trapped over and over again into the same meaninglessly redundant conversations with my mother. I feel like I've been accused of smoking about fifty times, and honestly, it's irritating. I think I'll go brood now.
~S
Dear Kevin, Peter, Samvid, Ben's Flavor, Happy the Dog, and Simon,
Allow me to lament for a moment on the evils of tobacco products like the overly eloquent actors on those Truth commercials.
Smoking is dumb. You smoke. Therefore, by the transitive property, you are all dumb, except for perhaps Happy, who I think is most likely making fun of the rest of you in her own little doggie way. Addressing the rest of your issues…
Kevin, your jaw is indeed very square, and I think you might want to join a square-jaw-in-serious-relationship-with-paranoid-chipmunk support group, where you can share your good-looking feelings while lifting weights without your shirt on.
Samvid, here's a cookie.
Ben's flavor of the month or week or whatever, move to France. They smoke all the time, and then none of us here in the good old US of A will have to see your not-pretty-enough-to-earn-the-role face again.
Simon, although I agree that mom accusing you of smoking is getting old, I'd like to remind you that in the past, you actually have smoked, once because I told you to *dance, my puppet, dance*… Anyway, please don't brood, because your sullen need-to-be-plucked eyebrows knit together in a way that makes me wonder why your hair is blonde and your eyebrows as black as the night itself.
Note for all of you except for happy: as black as night is a simile. Bow down to my wisdom.
~Ruthie
Dear Ruthie,
I'm dying of a heart condition and I smoke. Honestly, this whole situation feels a bit dehumanizing. I suddenly feel myself about to sprout little plot bunny ears. Please help.
~C's D
Dear Ruthie,
I'm bad. I know it. I smoke. I'm bad.
~S
Dear Ruthie,
I'm a bisexual, xenophobic circus clown who, while struggling to set an example for my eighteen little hermaphrodite clown children, is thinking of giving into peer pressure and smoking.
~B, x c c
Dear Chandler's Dad, Sid, and Mr. Bisexual-Xenophobic-Circus-Clown,
For my opinions on smoking, see my above after school special worthy answer. As for the bunny issue, Chandler's Dad, you are all plot bunnies. Go torture Joy or something.
~Ruthie
