XXII
Oh, God. She should have known he was going to pull something like this, she should have been better prepared... she should never have agreed to eat out with him. This should have been done in private, if it had to be done at all.
"Toby, I can't- I can't marry you."
"Why not?" he said, too sensibly. He always had the trick of sounding like he was the one who was being rational and reasonable, making her feel defensive and over- emotional. "Why can't we-?"
"Because it just-" She covered her face with her hands. "Toby, I love you, you know I love you, but we couldn't stay married before, and it's not going to work if we do it again."
"We can make it work," he insisted softly. "I know I didn't... I haven't done right by you before. I can change that. Tell me what to do."
She was getting tearful again. "It's not that simple, Toby."
"It can be. It should be."
"Toby, you..." There were reasons, she knew there were reasons, but she didn't want to put them into words that couldn't be taken back, didn't want to say the truths that would surely be immeasurably cruel. "We don't fit together right. When things are... bad, we're not- we're not there for each other all the ways we should be."
"I can be there for you," he said earnestly.
"You can't, Toby," she stressed. "It's not your fault, it's not anything you do, it's just... I need someone to lean on, Toby. I need someone to make me feel better. And I know you love me, I know you'll always be there for me, but you're not- you're never happy, Toby."
"I'm not cheerful!" he protested. "It's not the same thing. I don't have to smile all the time to be happy. You make me happy."
She gave him a tearful look. "Oh, Toby." She stood up. The restaurant air was beginning to choke her, and if she stayed here one moment longer she was going to break down completely, she just knew it.
"Andy-" He got to his feet.
"I'm sorry, Toby." She shook her head. "I wish you hadn't- I didn't want to do it like this. I didn't want to end it like this. But I can't take going through all this again. It tore me apart, Toby. It tore me apart so badly I only just finished putting myself back together again. We should never have tried to go back, we should never have tried to do this again. The old cycle just starts up again, and- I can't take that kind of hurt twice in a lifetime. I just can't. I'm sorry."
She left him standing alone in the middle of the restaurant. Perhaps he would have come after her, if there hadn't been the check to settle.
Perhaps he wouldn't have.
Donna scooped up the last of her yoghurt with a twist of the spoon, and wondered absently if Josh was looking for her. Well, if he was, he'd have to manage on his own, because she suspected she was more needed here.
"You really think I'm overreacting?" Sam was now draped over two chairs, leaning in a precarious position which, if he'd been Josh, she wouldn't have been able to resist nudging off balance.
She gave him a look. "Sam, you passed overreacting several miles back, and now you're well on your way into the hyper-reacting zone."
He groaned and sat up. "I know, but... what if I have issues?"
"Presidential cuteness issues?" She couldn't hold a straight face after that, and after a moment he laughed too.
"Okay," he sighed, "but-"
"Sam." She looked him in the eye. "Overreacting. You found it disturbing your boyfriend said the president is cute." She shrugged. "I don't think that has a whole hell of a lot to do with the president being male. I think it has to do with him being, you know, the president."
Sam looked unconvinced. She waved her spoon at him. "You could just as easily have freaked out if somebody said something about... Mrs. Bartlet."
He shook his head. "Nope."
She sought for other potentially freakout-ish female figures. "Or... the National Security Advisor." Sam shrugged indifferently. "Or... Josh's mom."
"Yah!" He jerked upright in his chair.
"See. That was a freakout, right there."
Sam looked slightly panicked. "How did Josh's mom get into this?"
Donna gave him a look. "Sam, do you have a secret crush on Josh's mom?"
"Okay, uh, you've made your point," he said hastily, getting up, "albeit in a slightly disturbing manner, and now I'm gonna just go and maybe scrub my brain, or-"
"Sam."
He smiled, and allowed her to hug him briefly. "Okay," he said softly.
She drew back, and touched his cheek. "Sam... Nobody handed you a membership card at the door. Nobody sat you down and said 'hi, welcome to your sexuality, these are your instructions'. You just... do what you do, you're not getting graded. You said it yourself, you love Steve. You're not ashamed that you love Steve. And I don't know why you think that anything else should matter, because it doesn't."
He hugged her again, and rested his head against her shoulder. "Thank you," he said indistinctly.
Donna leaned against him for a moment, and then smirked quietly to herself. "The president is cute, though," she said close to his ear.
He pulled away from her, and laughed. "I'm leaving."
"Goodnight, Sam." She smiled.
"Goodnight, Donna."
She stood alone in the empty mess for a few moments, thinking about what it must be like to have someone you loved to come home to. Then she told herself to get a grip, tossed her yoghurt pot in the trash, and left.
Josh sighed, and leaned back in his seat. He was beginning to reach the edge of his patience. He glared at the young secretary. "So, McGann and your boss are pretty close?"
Ash shrugged shortly. "They're old college friends."
"And you know what's going on."
He breathed out slowly. "My boss... trusts me with things." He looked at Josh. "And that, in itself, is a pretty good argument for why I shouldn't be talking to you at all."
Josh regarded him intently. "But you wouldn't be here if you didn't think it was something you should pass on."
He grimaced, and ran a hand through his spiked hair. "Listen, this is- I have a loyalty to my boss, okay? And I may know... certain things, but-
Josh thumped the flat of his hand against the desk impatiently. "Okay, Ash, are we dancing the tango here or are you going to tell me what the hell is going on?"
The young man glowered at him. "I keep telling you-"
"Why is Selena McGann working for Bridges?" he demanded.
"She's not working for him!" he snapped abruptly.
Josh narrowed his eyes. "Then what is she doing?"
Ash sighed heavily, and then rested his arms on the desk. "Bridges tried to blackmail her into sabotaging the deal," he finally explained. "He wanted her to give your people the okay so you'd think it was in the bag, and then put a few guys in a headlock so it would all fall apart. She didn't want to play, so she got my boss to leak it to the media through Brenda Garland." He pulled a face. "Obviously, it wasn't as difficult a trail to follow as they thought."
Under normal circumstances, Josh might have taken the opportunity to be smug about his investigative abilities, but he was too busy pulling it all together in his head. "So she leaked the details of the deal... to make sure we would panic and take it off the table?"
He nodded. "Yeah. It screwed the deal but not the entire bill, and got Bridges off her back without having to give him what he wanted."
Josh frowned thoughtfully, resting his chin on his palm. "Okay. I'll buy. But what the hell can Joe Bridges possibly have on McGann that would give him this much influence?"
Ash raised a wry eyebrow. "Apparently, she hasn't been too discreet about the company she keeps."
Josh snorted bluntly. "Oh, come on. Everybody and his brother knows about Selena McGann's little amusements. She's a big girl, and she never pretended to be the poster girl for family values. What could possibly be big enough to bring her down? I know for damn sure she's not sleeping with the president."
"No," Ash said flatly. "Not the president." He put a pointed accent on the final word, and Josh slowly raised his gaze to lock with the young secretary's. His eyes widened as the implication behind the words sunk in.
"Oh, no," he said, shaking his head. "No way."
Ash looked him in the eye unflinchingly. "Yeah," he said simply. He stood up. "And now, if you'll excuse me? I really have to go draft my letter of resignation."
