=====
First of all a little warning that Riker gets to be a –unknowing- jerk in this chapter…sorry, what can I say, I just like him like that :p Plus I thought it was a necessary evil to get him to find out just what did happen to Troi.
Secondly, the second half of this chapter is thus far the piece I'm most proud of in this story *g*
Hope you enjoy (and review ;))
=====
Chapter Thirty: Living the Nightmare
Deanna was sitting against the wall, her knees drawn up against her chest. Her mind was trying to cope with the rediscovered memories from the night before, but that task proved to be a great deal more difficult than she had anticipated. With each thing she seemed to remember, two at least as horrific memories would cast a cloud of fear over her rationale. It seemed as if the hands she remembered never stopped groping, the eyes never stopped looking and the voice never stopped whispering.
Her mind was caught up in a feedback loop since she had mistakenly let her barriers down. Unwillingly she experienced everything over and over again. The anger and the fear, the pain and the terror. She had once so fiercely believed in the love she shared with Will/Thomas, but if he really loved her, how could he have done all those horrific things to her? She felt as if entire body was covered in dirt and never before had she felt so violated, so humiliated. Not when Jellico's vile mind had radiated thoughts of lust and possession, not even when Jev had assaulted her.
"Dea? Are you all right?" She opened her eyes to find Beverly hovering above her, concern shining brightly in her blue eyes. "A shower would be appreciated" she whispered quietly. The doctor nodded her understanding and took her patient's hand to guide her to the shower.
Troi relished in the soft touch of the warm water on her skin, she envisioned the dirt sliding down her body until all of it had disappeared and remained standing to be absolutely sure nothing was left behind. In her mind she used gallons of soap and shampoo and she kept scrubbing and scrubbing, unaware of the tears rolling down her face.
She remained standing in the shower until her legs no longer seemed to be able to carry her and then lowered herself to the floor and began to cry. All the anguish wanted to be released simultaneous and huge lumps seemed to be stuck in her throat. With her face buried in her hands she could do nothing but sob for a long time until finally the lumps had dissolved and long, loud cries emerged from deep in her soul.
Her psyche seemed to shudder when she remembered how she had managed to break free, the horrific deeds *she* had committed to escape his grasp. How could she have killed? It didn't matter to her that she had killed in self-defense, or that he had deserved to die; -she- -had- -killed- and she would *never* be able to forgive herself for that.
~*+*~
Laying on her couch, Deanna stared out her window at the stars passing by. The Enterprise was enroute to a distant stellar system to begin negotiations with the indigenous habitants of the main planet. The tension aboard the ship was high, due to the fact they were traveling closely along the boarder of the Neutral Zone.
Her mind traveled back to her time aboard the Maquis vessel, now over a month ago. Faces of some of the people she had met came into vision outside the ship. Nothing more than her own imagination, she knew, but disturbing nonetheless. She had returned to active duty three days before, having received a clean bill of health from her doctors and having convinced Picard that she was psychologically able to start counseling again.
And although sometimes she felt a pang of regret at giving up her position as XO she was also happy to return to full-time counseling again. Engrossing herself in other people's problems had always been a means of escape to her and one of the positive things about loosing her staff due to a smaller crew compliment was that her argument that other's needed counseling held more power now.
There was no longer someone who could take over her patients. The counselor who had come onboard when she had been kidnapped had resigned a week earlier; he was getting married and his fiancée had demanded him to return to his planet. That, together with her rank, had been the catalyst in returning to active duty despite the reluctance and concern of her friends.
She had fought tooth and nail to prevent her mother coming aboard and had been guiltily pleased when Lwaxana was forced to stay home because Barin had attracted a highly contagious and potentially lethal disease. By the time Barin had healed the Enterprise was over two months traveling away from Betazed and Troi had managed to convince her mother that she was really all right and would come to Betazed the first chance she had.
She really was all right, she told herself. As long as she was on duty she was all right. Once off duty and alone she would think too much and spend her time hating herself and Thomas Riker. What little sleep she got was occupied with nightmares based on her memories, but she wouldn't allow anyone to see that side of her. If she'd be forced to take a leave of absence she would loose herself in those memories, she was sure.
~*+*~
~-~-~-~-~
Thomas Riker entered his quarters with a satisfied smirk on his face, tonight he would continue his training of his Imzadi and he was looking very much forward to ravishing her beautiful body. Deanna was laying on his bed, her wrists tied to the bedposts, just like they had been for the past week. But Thomas had become bored by her submissive attitude and had thought of something to make their time together a little more...interesting.
"Imzadi!" He called, knowing full well she wouldn't react, "there's someone I'd like you to meet." An evil smile curled around his lips as he saw her eyes moved underneath her eyelashes. His hand reached back to pull the young woman he'd brought along forward to the bed. "Deanna darling, say hello to Miss Carola. He pushed the woman onto the bed, her gasp of surprise causing the object of his desire to open her eyes.
Deanna's black eyes were wide with confusion and fear and they darted from Carola to Thomas and back. What was he up to? Why had he brought the woman with him? "Carola, be a doll and go stand against that wall?" Thomas pointed, his voice sounding too sweet. As soon as Carola's body hit the wall a metal clasp wound itself around her waist and pinned her against the wall.
"What are you doing?!" She yelled, her fear adding to Deanna's trepidation. "Nothing my dear, nothing," he said reassuringly. "Unless Deanna here doesn't cooperate," He added, his voice turning evil again.
"What do you want me to do?" Deanna asked quietly. Her question drew Thomas closer and he sat down next to her; one hand stroking her face, the other sliding up from her knee to her inner thigh. "Nothing bad, Love. I want you to seduce me." He laughed at the revulsion coursing through her and began to untie her wrists.
"And if I don't?"
"Then Carola here is dead."
~-~-~-~-~
Tears streamed down Deanna's face as she remembered that particular night. She'd used all her resources to seduce Thomas and all he had done was laugh at the emotions he sensed from her through the Imzadi bond. And when eventually she had him fully aroused and believed he wouldn't harm Carola, he'd slid the girl's throat as he climaxed. Just for fun.
Repulsed by the sight of her dinner, Troi pushed her plate to the other end of the table and buried her face in her hands. Was she ever going to forget the memories? Have peace?
It was right at that moment that the chimes of the door rang through the air. "Come in" she called and the door opened to reveal..."NO" she gasped and staggered from her chair.
"Computer, lights." A baritone voice called, the agitation and frustration of its owner rippling through Troi's senses. "You can't avoid me forever Deanna." 'No! No, that's not Thomas, it's Will. Will!' But knowing and knowing were two different things. Riker advanced towards her, his mouth set in a thin line under his beard. "I think we need to talk Deanna."
"Will, I'd rather not, not tonight." Her voice carried the calm she absolutely didn't feel, but served only to raise the anger inside Will Riker and he took another step towards her, stepping into her personal space. Although Troi desperately wanted to find the courage to hold her position, she failed and backed away.
"Damn it Dea! Talk to me!" His frustration raged through her senses. She had been avoiding him ever since she'd been back on board and he hated her for it. Will took another step; Deanna took two and found herself backed against the wall. "You've been back for a month and a half, back on duty, all reports say you're healed and back to normal," his voice and emotions turned a little more malevolent with each word so it seemed, or was she being pulled back into her memories? "So why don't you act *fine*?!"
"Will, please, leave." Deanna tensed her muscles in an attempt to prevent herself from trembling as Riker leaned forward and brought his face within an inch of her own. His hot breath viciously raked across her face. Shivers ran up and down her spine and the air he exhaled seemed to burn her skin.
Riker didn't hear the fear in her voice, nor did he see the shivers that traveled through her body. His own emotions so high he couldn't recognize the telling signs of fear on the ship's counselor's face. All he had wanted to do since returning to the Enterprise was closing his Imzadi in his arms, telling her how he felt and that he loved her. However, Deanna seemed to have made a second carrier of avoiding him. She seemed to have no problem interacting with Geordi, or Picard, or anyone else.
Without thinking he raised his hand to her face --ignoring her plea to stop-- and traced her cheek and jaw. "You're so beautiful" he whispered, intoxicated by her close proximity.
Tears formed in her eyes. 'This can't be happening!' The fear and horror within her was overwhelming, blocking out all rational thinking and causing her 'training', as Thomas used to call it, to kick back in. 'What is he going to do this time?' The anger and desire flowing from Riker terrified her; she had to be good to him, make his anger go away.
She brought a trembling hand up to the side of his face and before he realized what he was doing he rubbed his cheek against her soft palm. "I missed you."
"I- I missed you too" she returned "I'm so sorry" perhaps if she would beg for forgiveness he wouldn't hit her? "I won't do it again." Deanna closed her eyes in an attempt to block out the blueness of his eyes and softly brushed her lips against his. A fire was instantly ignited within Will and he violently attacked her mouth, forcing her mouth open. He didn't care that her head snapped back against the wall, he didn't feel her body go ridged and he paid no attention to the tears that fell down her cheeks.
'This is it. There will be no escape. Ever.' And she was back onboard the Hydra, back in Riker's room with a young female tied against the wall, awaiting her faith as Deanna tried to persuade Thomas to let the girl go. Her mind went numb as she returned the kiss and equaled his ferocity. Her hands slid down his torso. If she could capture his complete attention, if she could make him forget, maybe then he wouldn't hurt the girl.
"Deanna?"
"Let me please you" she murmured, attacking his mouth anew as her hands worked the fastener of his trousers.
Dumbfounded Riker stared at her, his body ached to have her, but her behavior worried him. Her eyes were blank, devoid of any emotion. He gasped as she yanked his trousers down and sank to her knees. In panic he roughly grabbed her shoulders and yanked her upwards and pushed her against the wall. "What the *hell* are you doing?!" He yelled in shock.
Deanna approached him again, no fear apparent on her face even though it was all her mind knew. "Please" she whispered and sensually slid her hands up his chest and around his neck "I'll do anything you wish me to."
'This isn't right!' he realized, but returned her kisses helplessly 'what is she doing?' Her hands felt so good as they traced his skin, her lips were so soft and full. "You're so strong" she told him in what he recognized as her bedroom voice and he couldn't help but lift his hands to skim her breasts
He finally snapped out the heat of her advances when he felt her recoil from the touch of his hands. She didn't stop her ministrations however and Will knew he had to stop her before he was too far gone. In a last attempt to stop her he grabbed her hands and pinned them against the wall.
Troi looked at him from under her long eye-lashes, enticingly tracing her lips with the tip of her tongue, beckoning him to come to her with her eyes. "Want to play it rough today, Thomas?"
"Damn it Dea! Will you stop--" his voice trailed off as her last word penetrated his mind. "Thomas?!"
That explained everything. Why she had avoided him, why Beverly had kept him away from her. But he couldn't believe Thomas would ever hurt Deanna. He knew how much he loved her, for he had loved her the same way.
Troi returned to her advances and in a mindless flare of anger meant for Thomas Will grabbed her by the upper arms and threw her away from him. Horrified he stared at her as she landed against the side of her couch, never making a single sound. His anger rose; at Thomas for what he did to her. At himself for forcing himself on her and even at her, for not telling him, for not fighting. This wasn't good! His hands itched to throw something, or hurt someone. He had to get away from her before he hurt her again.
Deanna watched silently as Thomas transformed back into Will before her eyes and swiftly left her quarters. Anger, guilt and sorrow flowed into her mind. A sob escaped her, and another, and another.
Would she ever be free?
