Summary: this is a rewrite of the scene in the Batman Who Laughs comic where the Joker kills himself to poison Batman. It was a good idea, but I feel like the comic left out a lot of nice jokes and fun possible scenarios. There's a lot you can with Batman becoming Joker after all. I may continue the story later by rewriting other scenes from the comic.

Disclaimer: Batman and affliliated properties are owned by DC, Warner Brothers, and their respective companies. I own nothing.


Alfred looked at the pale figure floating in the water. Suddenly, a scarred head popped up at what looked like an unnatural angle and a corpse-like hand reached out of the water and grabbed the old man. "Well, if it isn't old Jeeves. Is the man of the house home?" Joker asked, digging his long nails into Alfred's wrist as he tried to pull himself up.

The butler immediately jumped back, the cold corpse-like hand clinging to his. "Batman!" Alfred cried.

Batman walked out of the shadows, gently pushed the Joker away and told Alfred to go back to the manor. "It's okay, Joker, you're safe here," Batman whispered. Alfred gave his ward a cursory glance before regaining his composure and exiting the Batcave. Joker coughed a horrible wracking cough. "What a ride. Maybe I should try out as an Olympic swimmer?" he joked.

Batman didn't say anything for a few seconds, then reached a hand out to touch the clown's cold hands and put his arms around him. "Hey! What's the big idea, Bats?!" Joker asked.

"You feel like you're suffering from hypothermia. I'm leading you to the med bay," he answered.

Joker took Batman's cape and draped it around himself. "You know I can't say no to getting under your cape, Bats," the clown quipped. Bruce winced a bit at the clown being so close to his body. Memories of when Joker tried to stab him and push him off of a building briefly flashed in his mind. Anger came over him for just a second, and then he let the feel of the clown's rigid body leaned against him register.

"I'm only doing this because you're hurt," Batman said sternly.

"Whatever you need to tell yourself, Batsy."

Batman led Joker to the med bay and had him lie on the operating table. Joker let out a breathy giggle. "Looks like we're playing doctor!" the clown said.

"Stop thinking like that," Batman said through gritted teeth.

"You can't tell me what to think, Bat-brain," Joker quipped, sticking out his tongue.

"I'm only doing this because you're injured. Those blades from the boat cut you up like a piece of meat," Batman said.

Joker gave a look of mock outrage. "So you admit it, Bats. That's all I am to you, a piece of meat?" Joker asked. Bruce sighed to himself. Joker was going to keep quipping and saying sexual innuendos. This was just what he did. Best to just try to ignore it and get those very deep cuts patched up. Batman winced; he thought he saw exposed bone.

Bruce worked quickly, bandaging the clown's wounds and cleaning them with iodine so that they wouldn't get infected. Joker stood up, put on his tattered clown jacket, and took a seat in the corner of the med bay. Another breathy giggle escaped him. "You know, Bats, it's funny, you're-you're probably the only superhero who would get this close to me, find me this near death, and not just finish the job. It's not like I haven't given you incentive," Joker said in a dark tone.

"You agreed to work with me until we catch that nightmare version of me, remember?" Batman asked.

"Oh, I remember, but, when have I ever kept a promise, Bats?" Joker said, pulling something out of his coat pocket. Batman immediately recognized it as a pistol.

"This suit's reinforced with material stronger than Kevlar. Those bullets would just bounce off of me," Batman said. As soon as he got the words out of his mouth, though, he heard the sound of gunfire. He turned away and braced for the impact of bullets, but they never came. Bruce slowly turned back to see Joker lying in a pool of his own blood, a wound in his chest. You idiot! Batman thought. "You shot yourself!" Batman yelled. The caped crusader ran up to the fallen clown and started to examine him. He looked at the body and saw that It had a gaping bullet wound in the chest cavity. It looked like the bullet either pierced the heart or came close. No one could survive that, unless...they could. Bruce played a hunch and tried chest compressions. At first, nothing happened, but then the Joker coughed. "You really like playing the damsel in distress, don't you?" Batman quipped tiredly, hoping this was just another joke. Batman decided the clown must have used some special metal compound to give himself increased durability. Joker still seemed very weak, though.

"I...I said...I...would...help...you...so...I did. To...stop...him...you...must...become...him," the Joker said shakily. With that, the Joker took one last long gasp of air, and then a strange gas started to leak out of his mouth. Bruce didn't have time to get his gear and got a good whiff of it. It had the chemical taste of Joker venom. Joker had poisoned him! Bruce felt giggles bubbling up in his throat, but he tried to ignore them as he lifted Joker and put him back on the table in the med bay.