Chapter II
Theraphy
I was not ready to face the world, at least not the one that just broke into small pieces that I couldn't put together. The pain persisted and I was still lying in bed, wanting to stay there forever. As if nothing else mattered, didn't exist. I wanted to keep this feeling with me forever, hide it deep, because only it reminded me of him...
Charlie was very concerned about my disappearance, even though he didn't show it. He often looked into my room if I'm still asleep, and I was still pretending that i was. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not now, never ...
A cold gust of wind blew my hair, and the scent of a sea breeze wafted through the air. I was standing at the edge of the cliff, watching the waves crash against the rocks, hoping for the end ...
"Bella stop. You promised not to do anything risky." A soft, melodious voice said.
"And you promised it would be like you never existed." I replied and my leg slid off the rocky ledge. Darkness enveloped me and I saw him ... And then a pair of red eyes appeared before my eyes. Victoria!
I don't know when I started screaming, unable to catch my breath. Charlie ran as fast as he could, trying to calm me down.
"Shhh ... take it easy honey, it's all right now." He whispered as he cradled me to his chest.
I couldn't calm down, my hands and body trembled with fear. My heart was beating at a mad gallop, unable to calm down for a moment.
A few weeks later ...
I don't know how long i was in a state of numbness ... My life was already a pure routine, a precisely written pattern that I had to follow. School, home, work on the weekends, school, work ... and so on. None of my school friends talked about HIM. The mere sound of his name made me want to run away and hide somewhere so no one would see me cry. Mike Newton didn't even try to flirt, Jessica always looked strangely at the Cullen table where I used to sit now. Only Angela from time to time asked how I felt and if I would go out with her somewhere. But my answer was always negative, until she finally stopped asking herself. My nightmares haunted me every night, not leaving me and Charlie alone. I knew that he had enough. His tired face and the dark dimples under his eyes told me everything I needed to know.
After returning home, I checked my e-mail regularly, hoping to hear from Alice, whatever ... if it were just one word. But still nothing, silence. So I wrote myself, hoping to get a reply someday.
Dear Alice,
She sees him again in a dream, these nightmares are the only chance to see him again. I can not explain that. Can pain destroy and bring relief at the same time? Because that's what I feel - pain and relief every time I see him . Even for a brief moment. I miss you, I miss all of you.
Your Bella
I turned off my laptop and decided to take a cold shower. The icy water washes my body for relief, another thing that reminded me of what I didn't want to forget. Wanting to brush my tangled hair back, I looked in the mirror. My pale complexion still contrasted with the cool brown of my eyes and hair, the dark bags under my eyes only confirmed what state I was in now. I touched my face ... Where is this cheerful and full of life Bella? What happened to her and when will she be back? Perhaps there was never a place for her in the new reality that I tried to surround. Because he is not in it, then I am not. I felt a strange pain in my heart ... I rested my trembling hands on the tap and then again impenetrable darkness enveloped me ...
"Bella, baby, can you hear me? "Charlie exclaimed nervously, holdingmy hand. A bright light dazzled my eyes, all I could see was my father's blurry face and white walls.
"Dad? Where am I?" I asked weakly.
"You are in the hospital; I found you unconscious on the bathroom floor. I don't know how long you were lying there, I forgot something from the house so I came back to take it. I called you to check if you were ready for school but you didn't answer so I went upstairs to your room but you weren't in it, I found you in the bathroom, you hit your head hard. Your forehead is broken, "he whispered in a sad voice.
"Ouch!" I drawled through my teeth. Only now did I feel a radiating pain as I touched the bandage on my head.
"Bells, we need to talk about it when you get better; I worry more and more seeing what state you are in. To be honest ... you are in a complete mess."
"I know how much pain and worry I caused you. I'm sorry, Charlie. I'll do anything you don't have to see me like that again."
"Don't apologize to Bells. It's not your fault, just this ... Ed ..." He didn't finish seeing my reaction to his name. Tears flowed from my eyes like a stream. He hugged me so tightly like he would never see me again.
"Sorry baby, if I knew how you react to his name I would never try to say it." he assured me. "It won't happen again, I promise."
I spent a few more days in the hospital, Dr. Claire wanted to make sure I was completely healthy and that all the necessary tests were done. So I had enough time to reflect on what my dad told me. Maybe I should help myself. Even if my depression is due to the absence of HIS presence, it does not mean that I can be locked out of the mental hospital. My head ached so the doctor prescribed me strong painkillers and something for sleep. On the way home with Charlie, neither of us said a single word. There was tension in the air. I wasn't sure ... I didn't know what to say. I have failed him, exposed him to great suffering. I love Charlie I would not like to let him down like my mother who always runs away from life and responsibility. We got out of the car and entered the house.
"Bells?" - He asked nervously ... After his expression, you could see that he wanted to say something, but hesitated.
"Yes, Dad?" I muttered looking at him.
"Can we go back to our conversation at the hospital? It's very important."
"Yes Dad, I don't mind"
We sat down at the table. I nervously fiddled with the napkin on the table, waiting for what Charlie was about to say. I know it was as difficult for him as it was for me. After all, we were like two drops of water, the same.
"Bella ..." he began. "This morning, before I went to pick you up from the hospital, I contacted a Seattle doctor."
"What kind of doctor?"
"He's a good psychotherapist ... He could help you get through it all. I told him about your case, your nightmares every night, screaming and how you don't act like a typical teenager but like a zombie from some horror movie."
For a moment, I couldn't gather my thoughts to give him a clear answer. He looked at me for a moment, waiting for what would come out of my mouth.
"What do you think baby?"
"Dad ... I think I can try ..." I said dispassionately.
"Can you? That's wonderful!" There was a radiant smile on his face that I missed so much. "I'll call him today and make an appointment."
And so began my fight to regain at least a substitute of normalcy, the one that I had lost before I met HIM.
The next day after getting up from bed and wrapping myself up, I went downstairs to the kitchen to make myself and Charlie breakfast. I knew today would be different and I was going to see a doctor. I shuddered at the thought of having to talk about my feelings to someone completely stranger to me than myself. It was something completely new for me, but I promised myself and, above all, my dad, that I would do anything to get out of this love hole in which I had been stuck for several months. And as Christmas was approaching, I figured it would be a great gift for both of us. If I have learned anything from my previous relationship is that sometimes you have to make sacrifices.
"Good morning, sleepyhead!" Charlie said cheerfully, smiling at me from behind the open newspaper. He was in apparently better mood than ever. I was glad that at least one of us has a better mood today.
"Not so good, I'm going to have a meaningful confession today," I blurted out, looking into the refrigerator.
"I know Bells, but the first step is always the hardest. Don't be afraid, you're not alone. You know you have my support."
"I know Dad. Thank you for that. You know I love you?"
"I love you too."
We ate the toast with jam in silent agreement.
The road to Seattle took over 3 hours until we got there. We stood in front of a large brick building in thewhich housed the doctor's office. Upon entering, we were greeted by a dark-haired receptionist smiling brightly.
" Good morning, how can I help you?" she asked politely.
"We have an appointment with Dr. Williams tonight,"
"Got it, what surname?"
"Swan," Charlie replied shortly.
"Okay, I'm already checking ... Are you here for the first time?"
"Yes, this is my daughter's first visit"
"Got it, then please fill out the questionnaire. It's standard procedure. You can sit down and fill in your paperwork in the waiting room. Straight and left." the secretary pointed.
After completing all the forms, we returned them to the reception desk waiting for our appointment. Charlie, who was sitting next to me, grabbed my hand, wanting to cheer me up and cheer me up a little. After about 15 minutes, I was called to Dr. Williams's office.
The room was quite small but full of light, the walls were decorated with cream-colored wallpaper contrasting with the honey-brown wooden floor. In the center there was a small, round table next to two large leather armchairs . Despite its small size, it seemed open and friendlier than I had imagined. Dr. Williams came over to greet me. His friendly smile was visible even under his bushy mustache.
"Hello, you must be Bella!" he exclaimed.
"Yep, that's me," I stammered.
"Please don't stand there, sit down" he pointed to one of the armchairs.
I sat up uncertainly, waiting for what he would say.
"So you came here from Forks?"
"Yes, with my dad Charlie. He's waiting for me outside."
"I understand. Your father told me this and that about your problem. He believes that you have not been yourself since your breakup. Bella, as a doctor who has been working in this profession for over 15 years, I just want to assure you that no matter what words are said here, I'm here to help you. But you have to want it, I won't help you if you don't open up. "
"I know that my behavior so far has been painful not only for me but also for Charlie. I promised both of us that I would try ... try to get out of this."
"I'm glad you understand that. Understanding yourself and your problem is the first step on the road to recovery. The most difficult but the most important at the same time" he said looking deeply into my eyes. "I think we'll get along great, just remember that you can't hide anything from me. Otherwise, the time spent here won't make any sense." added.
"I will try to." I muttered, clenching my hands nervously until my knuckles turned white.
"Great! So let's start from the very beginning my dear ... From the day you broke up. How did you feel then?"
"I don't know ... As if someone had ripped my heart out of my chest, as if the whole world that I had built with him suddenly collapsed. I remember his words" It will be as if we never met. "He made it clear that he did not want me that I was not very good to him and the time we spent together didn't matter to him. I remember getting lost in the woods, unable to find my way home. I remember that I fell and the darkness enveloped me. Then I woke up in my arms. dad ".
"I understand. Do you remember who found you then?"
"I think so. I can only remember it vaguely. He was one of the boys on the Quilete Reserve."
"So your ex-boyfriend left you in the middle of the woods and just ran away?"
"I guess so. I'm clumsy, Charlie negligent says that I attract accidents like a magnet." I was unable to look the doctor in the eye, telling about all the events that I did not want to remember. "Before I realized what actually happened, he wasn't there anymore," I lied.
"Mhm," the doctor muttered, writing something down in his notebook, then looked at me from under his big glasses and asked, "Bella, how long have you been together?"
"Over a year since we first met at school."
"Your dad mentioned that when you were with him, you acted differently than when he was away from you. He says that Edward didn't have much influence on you. Can you tell me more about this?"
I felt a familiar twinge around my heart at his name. "No, you can't react to him Bella! Too much, too much, too much ... Get hold of yourself girl!" I was screaming at myself in my mind.
"HE didn't have as much influence on me as Charlie talks about. He always tried to protect me from all the evil in this world. He claimed that he was doing it because of my clumsiness. He would never hurt me."
"How would you describe the relationship with his family?"
"Well ... He had quite a large family ... His parents, Esme and Carlisle welcomed me into their family with open arms, they never let me feel that I was not part of it. I was especially close to Alice, his sister whom I loved as my own. She was also my best friend. As for Rosalie ... We didn't really like each other, maybe because we looked at life differently, we had different views on what it should be like. Emmet was also like a brother to me, just a little bigger and stronger. Jasper... he always seemed to avoid me, he was very sensitive to ... the well-being of others. They were like a second family to me, I miss them every day. "
"Your feelings are fully deluded, Bella." he replied after a moment's thought. "This is a completely normal reaction. We are only human and longing for someone we love is an integral part of our humanity. There is nothing wrong with expressing our emotions, even the most painful ones. But I think that what connected you and this boy ... it wasn't completely healthy for your. As you mentioned, your boyfriend used to be overprotective ... What I am about to say may hurt a bit Bello ... But "discovering the truth" is the next step in the healing process, that;s why you are here. "
"I don't know if anything can hurt me more than what I have been feeling for several months, Doctor," I drawled, not understanding what he meant.
"All I mean is that your boyfriend tried to manipulate you Bella. It allowed him to control your emotions and reactions. That's why it was so easy for him to leave you in the heart of the forest without any scruples or remorse. His escape only proves it." . Such a toxic relationship left you feeling empty because it was HE who did everything to become the center of your world. Do your nightmares also have something to do with Edward? "
"No I don't think so"
"Well ... Can you tell me about them then?"
"It's nothing, really. I couldn't remember any of them," I lied a second time.
"I understand," he replied suspiciously, and started jotting down something in his notebook again.
"Bells, you didn't say a word all the way back," Charlie said. "What's going on? Something bad happened while you were talking to Dr. Williams?"
"Not Dad," I stammered out, still staring at my plate of toast.
"You didn't even move anything"
"I'm not too hungry, Dad. I'd like to go to bed. This day has been ... very tiring for me."
"Okay, Bells. But remember that you are not alone with this and you can always tell me anything. I have to slowly get up, I'm having a night shift tonight."
"I know. Good night, Dad!"
"Good night, kid!"
The next days passed and I could not concentrate on anything, the words of Dr. Williams stuck in my head. Was Edward really manipulating me? I couldn't imagine him being capable of that. Not him, he tried to protect me at all costs. On the other hand, he had lied to me many times "for my own good". Even when he knew Victoria came back for me. He hid the truth from me, even though he knew he was hurting me. He always claimed that I was the love of his life, the one he had been waiting for over 100 years! All this to suddenly disappear from my life in just a few seconds! "Bella, you're not good enough for me." How dare he make me fall in love with him, give me hope! I was fed up with ... Something broke inside me and the alarm clock that was standing next to the bed landed on the floor next to the door. "I hate you Edward, I hate you!" I shouted to myself.
"Hey, are you okay Bella?" Charlie exclaimed, "I heard a bang."
"It's nothing like that, Dad. Something fell off my desk."
Apparently Charlie is still awake. I need to be more in control ... I summoned myself to order. That evening, I decided that Edward Cullen didn't deserve any of my tears, he didn't even deserve my memory of him. "It will be as if you never existed" ... I mumbled as I fell asleep. No nightmare has haunted me that night. The bound between us slowly gets broken.
