Make me a witness. Take me up out of the darkness, out of doubt. I won't weigh you down with good intentions, won't make fire out of clay or other inventions. Will we burn in heaven, like we do
down here? Will a change come while we're waiting? Everyone is waiting. –Sarah McLachlan
* * *
Washington Harbour
Outside of Georgetown
2048 PM
This
bloody sucks.
There are no other words to describe it. It just bloody sucks.
I left O'Reilly's feeling a little better about my decision to leave Mac alone, romantically speaking, but now, sitting out here on the water, I just want to curl up in a ball at her feet and beg her to give me another chance.
Washington Harbour is an amazingly beautiful place, especially this late at night. There is a slight warm breeze, but the water of the Potomac is almost eerily still. The lights from the Kennedy Center and the Watergate complex reflect on the water, as do the several restaurants and streetlights that edge the shore. A few boats are docked here, but the majority of the action tonight is going on in Sequoia and Tony & Joe's. I look up at Sequoia's deck and a fleeting thought of wanting to bring Mac here for a nice seafood meal sneaks into my head.
Mac.
Michael Brumby, you are officially a schmuck.
I sit wearily on one of the wooden benches along the boardwalk, resting my elbows on my bent knees. Water has always had a calming affect on me and allowed me to think, but tonight I look out at the Potomac River and all I see is a dark, muddy river, which is of no help to me. I lean back against the back of the bench, exhaling loudly. My hand sneaks in my pocket on its own accord and pulls out Sarah's engagement ring that she returned to me this afternoon. It catches the dim light, shooting short rays every which way, and I am reminded of the way it did that in the display case and when I handed it to Sarah on the ferry. Although, come to think of it, it could have been that luminous smile of hers that lit the ring up that night. I smile wearily as I remember that moment, and then close my eyes, remembering the closeness of her, the way her hair smelled like freesia—I always knew she had a secret thing for Bath and Body Works. A pit settles in my stomach as the reality of actually losing her sinks in.
*Schmuck*, I think angrily.
I sigh again and cross my legs at my ankles, slumping further into the bench, half wishing I could just disappear. I've had my heart broken, of course, but I doubt it's ever hurt this much before.
I truly thought I could make her happy. I twiddle the ring between my fingers, and I finally admit to myself what that little voice in the back of my head had been saying for months. Sarah was in love with the idea of being in love with me, and all that came with it—marriage included. But deep down, she was in love with Rabb and I know that after the newness and fun of being married had passed, Sarah would have been absolutely miserable, which is something I'd kill myself to prevent.
*But damn it*, I think, a lump building in my throat, *couldn't she have just tried?*
I laugh humorlessly and look up at the sky. The sky is remarkably bright tonight, especially for being in the city. Maybe it's making up for the blackness I'm feeling right now. The breeze rustles the leaves and my hair and it brings a figurative breath of fresh air with it. I return to my original position, hunched over and still looking at the ring. She couldn't have tried because deep down, she knew she could never love me. The thing that really angers me—and yes, I'm allowed to be angry—is that Sarah Mackenzie has never shied away from anything for as long as I've known her, but when it comes to matters of the heart, she's the most scared person I know.
That little voice that warned me so many times about loving her chimes in with his two cents. "Don't blame this on her; you were the one that pursued her even though you realized all this, schmuck."
I literally shake that thought out of my head as one of the late flights from National flies overhead. I could never blame her; I love her too much to do that.
I get up suddenly, deciding I need to continue my walk. I retrace my steps up the boardwalk and towards Georgetown. The pit in my stomach makes friends with the ache in my chest as I walk along the river, continuing my silent berating of myself. I sure do know how to pick 'em, I think with a wry smile. I do have to admit it was fun while it lasted—whatever 'it' consisted of.
I continue up the boardwalk, past the TCBY yogurt and the small Japanese restaurant and follow the small road into Georgetown. I pass a small café where it's apparently Karaoke night. I pause outside as I hear a smoky alto sing in between giggling fits. "And when we're done soul-searching and we've carried the weight and died for a cause, is misery made beautiful right before our eyes? Mercy be revealed or blind us where we stand. Will we burn in heaven like we do down here? Will the change come while we're waiting…everyone is waiting."
I wish everyone waited. I wish Sarah waited.
Rationally I know that when she's unhappy, I'm unhappy; when she's happy, I am as well. And I know that being with me would make her unhappy, seeing that she's in love with someone else. But for once, my irrational side wants to win by telling me that she could have changed, could have grown to love me.
I turn around again, walking back towards the center of Washington Harbour, and my room at the Swisshotel Watergate. I tell myself to let go, to hurt for a little bit, but to take solace in the fact that she's happy.
That, after all, was the whole point.
I look up as another plane flies overhead. Tomorrow, I'll be on a plane back home, hopefully to my future. I smile at the fact that Sarah has finally found hers.
I walk briskly in the lobby and head immediately up to my room, calling and double checking my reservation home. I sit not so gingerly on the bed, removing my suit jacket and unbuttoning the top buttons on my dress shirt. I pull the ring out again and after another minute of inspection, place it on the bedside table. I get up and look out over the Potomac, and I can see over the hills into Georgetown, the wistful smile returning.
"Goodbye, Sarah," I whisper, shutting the curtains and preparing to leave tomorrow, proud of myself.
Saying goodbye is half the battle. Leaving and looking back will prove to be the other half.
I'm certain I'll be able to do it. If not for my sake, for Sarah's. Always for Sarah.
End Ch. 2
