Two years later

Seattle, Washington

Keely looked around her publishing house bullpen, smiling broadly. She ducked her head at the applause following her editor Sam's speech. She raised her champagne flute in salute as well, taking a deep breath before starting her own speech. "Well, um, I really don't know what to say...after finishing this book, you'd figure I'd be mute for a good long while."
She paused at the murmuring of laughter spreading through her colleagues. "I really owe all the thanks to you guys, especially Sam and Martina, my fearless editors, for pushing and pushing and pushing some more. You guys are the reason we're #1 on the Times List and a Pulitzer nominee." Keely ran a hand through her hair and shrugged. "I can't even believe this is real, so forgive me. Um...just, thanks, everybody. This is a dream come true for me." She raised her glass in salute again and everyone applauded, finishing their drinks and returning to their desks.

Martie perched herself on Keely's desk, crossing her ankles and hugging her friend and roommate. "Lord, Keel, a Pulitzer nomination! We need to party."

Keely laughed, shaking her head at her friend. "Well, if you're going to pull my arm."

Martie grinned, hoisting her fists in the air in triumph. She began to plan the girls' activities for that night when her desk phone rang. "Martie Salinas..." Martie smiled and nodded at Keely before replying. "Yeah, she's right here, may I ask who's calling?...Sure, hang on." Martie handed Keely the phone. "It's Jack."

Keely grinned and took the phone. "Hey, asswipe, what's up?"

Jack was silent for a moment, then cleared his throat. "Keely, uh, I just got a call..."

Keely's stomach dropped at his tone. "What happened, Jack?"

"Your aunts tried calling you at home, but you weren't there, so I figured I'd call you at the publisher's..."

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Jack!" Keely's normally calm tone began to become more anxious. "What *happened*?"

Jack sighed. "Your uncle passed away last night, honey."

Keely dropped the phone, urging a concerned look from Martie. She quickly picked the receiver up again, and stuttered into the phone. "I thought with the transplant..."

Jack was silent again. Keely sighed, rubbing her nose with the palm of her hand. "Um, okay, I'll, uh, I'll go home and pack and get on the next flight."

Jack's reply was quiet. "All right. You want me to meet you at Dulles?"

"No, no, that's okay, I'll, uh, I'll get a cab to the bar. I'm assuming that's where everyone'll be?"

"Yeah." A pause. "You okay, Keely?"

Keely chuckled. "No, Jack, I'm not. I'll see you when I get there." She hung up the phone and slumped down in Martie's chair.

"I'll drive," Martie said, handing Keely her trenchcoat.

As the United Airlines flight took off from the airport, Keely watched the rain slip slide over the window. She hadn't been back to DC in ages; only briefly when her uncle called with the news that he had finally received a donor liver. After her short visit, Shaun had insisted that she return to Seattle and finish her book, to live her life.

For once, she hadn't argued.

And he died on her.

Keely shut her eyes in frustration and over-exhaustion, dozing restlessly during the remainder of the five hour flight.

The small clipping sat on the corner of AJ's desk. "Deceased: Shaunessy James O'Reilly, age 58, of natural causes. Services to be held at St. James' Lutheran Church, on Massachusetts Ave. Sunday, Dec. 8th, 2003, at 2 pm. All are welcome."

AJ sighed, fiddling with the paper and staring at the newsprint. He allowed himself to wonder...would she come?

Keely wearily gathered her suitcase in Dulles' mammoth baggage claim and headed out to the taxi stand. She took the map of DC, Maryland and Virginia offered by the attendant and climbed in the cab. "M Street, Georgetown," she told the driver, settling back in the seat.

As they drove on I-66 from Dulles, Keely noticed with an unfamiliar pang of excitement that they were passing the exits for Falls Church, and then McLean. She thought of him often, she admitted, but wouldn't allow herself to dwell.

Couldn't allow herself to dwell.

She'd gotten her therapy in the writing of her book, "Last Exit". To her friends and family, it was a thinly-veiled synopsis of her life, made more interesting for dramatic purposes. But it was Keely through and through, and allowed her to spend a year thinking about AJ in a sweet way.

*Would he come?* she wondered as they entered the wintry city. Probably not; he probably hadn't thought of her in ages.

As the taxi pulled to a stop in front of O'Reilly's bar, Keely couldn't help but smile. As she opened the door, Jack came over and hugged her tightly, only commenting slightly on her new hair color and business suit.

She sat at the bar, staring at the glass behind the liquor, finally allowing herself to feel sad.

Standing outside the bar, AJ's hand paused on the handle. Would she hug him? Slap him? Or just ignore him? He didn't know the answer, but he knew that this was one chance he had to take. As he stepped in, the dark enveloped him comfortably.

Keely played with her glass of bourbon and turned as she felt the cold winter air of DC against her back.

He had to be a vision. It had to be the alcohol. He wasn't really there, standing regally in front of her as if no time had passed at all.

And yet there he was, in a dark gray sweater and jeans, looking for her.

She rose, her navy blue suit jacket clinging to her back. She took a few tentative steps towards AJ, raising a hand in greeting. "Hi."

"Hi," AJ said quietly, approaching her. "I heard about your uncle. I'm sorry."

Keely smiled gently, nodding. "Thanks." She let her eyes travel over him. The two years apart had been good to him; he hadn't aged at all in comparison to her.

"Do you want something?" she asked, motioning to the bar. "I could get Jack to..." she trailed off, still unsure of what to say to him.

"No, I'm fine." AJ paused before continuing. "I need to talk to you. There are some things you need to know."

Keely held up a hand. "Not...not now, okay, AJ? We both did what we had to do, and it seems like neither of us are worse for wear, so let's just leave it at that."

AJ shook his head deliberately. "No," he said. "I did what I thought I had to, but I was wrong. There are some things I have to tell you, Keely, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd listen to them." His tone left no room for argument.

Keely's eyes widened and she took half a step back. "Uh, okay." She nodded, looking towards the left side of the bar. "You want to have a seat in one of the booths?"

"Yeah." AJ led the way to the same corner booth he'd sat in nearly three years ago, watching Keely sing.

Keely sat first, scooting to halfway along the seat, the vinyl tickling the material of her pantyhose. She crossed her legs and laced her fingers on the table, leaning slightly forward to hear him, as well as reestablish the contact of three years ago.

Folding his hands opposite hers, AJ took a deep breath. "I haven't done anything like this in about thirty years, so forgive me if I'm a little rusty," he said softly. "Keely, when you left on that plane two years ago, I was a different man. I was old and tired, and I'd been fighting for so long that I didn't know how to bend. I thought that everything was black and white, all or nothing. Am I making sense?"

Keely nodded, her mind whirling. She tentatively placed one of her hands atop his, encouraging him to continue.

Thinking quickly, AJ tried to say it the way he had rehearsed while getting dressed. "When you came into my life, you changed me. I relaxed, I learned to have fun, and most importantly, I learned to care about someone again, to be vulnerable. And when you left, I shut down. I crawled back into my shell and couldn't breathe."

Keely squeezed his hand lightly. "I'm sorry," was all she could think of to say.

"I'm not. Because I realized that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I've been thinking a lot since you've been gone, and what I think is....well....I think...I love you," AJ finally whispered.

Time stopped. The world stopped.

Keely sat, staring and unblinking. Finally, she blinked rapidly and said, "Say it in my good ear?"

"I said I love you," AJ repeated with more confidence.

Keely leaned back, her mouth working and unable to form any coherent sentences. "You love me." She looked down her nose at him for a second, then tilted her head, brow furrowing in confusion. "You love me?"

"I. Love. You. Do you need a pie chart?"

"It'd help." Keely shook her head, her shorter, darker hair brushing her cheeks. She scratched her forehead, still watching him, attempting to work her brain around his admittance. Finally, she said, "Wow."

AJ attempted to explain. "I didn't know what I was going to say when I came here tonight. In fact, I didn't know why I even came. But when I walked in, I saw you sitting there, and I remembered the months that we spent together. I missed you. And seeing you now," he motioned with his hand, all grown up, so sophisticated, it just cemented everything in my mind."

Keely smiled at that. "They're just clothes, AJ. I'm still the same...relatively, anyway." She sat back, tapping her chin with her fingernail. "No, actually. That's not true. I'm different from the person who sang karaoke and poured beers. I've figured out who I am...that's not the person I was two and a half years ago, AJ. I doubt you could feel the same way now."

Stunned, AJ was silent for a moment. When he did speak, it was from the heart. "You're the first person I've been able to open up to since my marriage fell apart. I won't give up on us that easily, Keely."

Keely refolded her hands and propped her elbows up on the table, resting her chin against them. She couldn't look at him, however, as she tried to control the myriad of emotions beating through her brain. She finally raised her green eyes to his brown and shook her head. "This is the most petrified I've ever been in my entire life....I mean, my book is a best seller, my uncle just dies, the man who changed everything finally admitted he loved me...I finally get my life to a point where I think I'm safe, and wham."

"I loved your book," AJ said softly, trying to avoid the subject now that the adrenaline rush of admission was over.

Keely chuckled. "You knew it was about you," she offered in explanation. "That's why you're here. You figured it out."

Nodding, AJ said, "Yeah. I figured it out on the second read. Did I--did what we had really mean that much to you?"

Keely smiled broader now. For such a smart man, he really could be stupid sometimes. "I've told you that before. Why do you think I thanked you all those times?"

"I thought you liked the sex."

Keely burst out laughing, a freeing sound as her head tilted back against the high-backed part of the booth. Finally, she looked back down at him, grinning. "Well, yeah, just as you liked my ass." She leaned forward and placed her hands over his again. "But it was so much more than that. That's why I wrote the book, and I think that's why you're here now."

"Where do we go from here?" AJ sounded as unsure as he felt.

Keely shrugged, offering a sympathetic smile. "I don't know," she answered honestly, remembering a time where the roles were reversed. "I still have a life in Seattle, and you're still fumbling around the Navy, I'm sure." She looked around the dimly lit bar, at her uncle's friends and the scattering of family gathering there. Turning back to him, she squeezed his hands before
continuing. "But I do know..." she took a deep breath, "I'm going to need you over the next few days, AJ...your strength, and your companionship. I have a feeling I'm going to need all the help I can get. And I don't just mean as a...what did we call it then? A fuck buddy?" She paused, thinking. "Whatever. But I'm going to need you to hold me and...and love me." Her voice trailed off to a whisper and her eyes filled with tears as she finished.

Wordlessly, AJ stood up and slid behind the table on Keely's side of the booth. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders tentatively.

Keely rested her head on his shoulder, turning her face towards him. She inhaled his scent, and as he squeezed her tighter to him, she cried.

Cried for her uncle, cried for what she had missed with him and with AJ, what had not been and what might be.

After a few minutes, she extracted herself from AJ's strong embrace and leaned back, wiping her eyes. She offered him a wavering smile and then leaned across and wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace.

"It's okay," AJ murmured softly, holding Keely tightly. "Don't worry."

They sat unmoving for a few more minutes until Keely kissed his cheek and sat back, needing time to regain her composure. She smiled at him again, caressing his cheek with her hand as she had done when she'd left.

Goodbyes and beginnings, she thought. That's what life is made of.

Keely cleared her throat and smiled again at him. "I, uh, I hope I'm not being too presumptuous, but in my haste to get here, I neglected to book a hotel...can I crash at your place?"

Nodding, AJ offered a small smile. "Of course."

"Thank you," Keely whispered again. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "Think we can go now?" she asked, her voice cracking just a bit. "I
really need to get out of here."

"Come on," AJ said, taking Keely's hand and tugging her out of the booth. "Where's your luggage?"

Jack, who had been quietly watching the interlude, handed AJ Keely's bag. Keely crossed over to him and hugged him tightly. She kissed his cheek and then patted it. "No hookers while the bar is in mourning."

Jack just smiled, then looked at AJ. "Take care of her, please."

Hefting the overnight bag over his shoulder, AJ nodded to Jack. "Will do." He led Keely out of O'Reilly's and toward his car. They arrived at his house after a fairly quiet drive.

Keely got out and stretched, breathing in deeply the smell of Virginia winter. She couldn't help but smile at the lingering scent of snow as they ascended AJ's front porch steps. "I never thought I'd miss Virginia this much," she said with a small smile as AJ unlocked the front door.

"I know," AJ agreed. "I visited my daughter, Francesca, in Italy last year for Christmas. It was nice, but it wasn't McLean," he laughed.

Keely kicked off her pumps and settled herself on the couch, somehow instantly comfortable among the familiar settings. "How's everything been with her, and JAG?" she asked, folding her legs under her.

Settling down beside her, AJ shrugged slightly. "Fine, I guess. Rabb and Mackenzie are back at each other's throats over a new case--what else is new. After two years of marriage, you'd think they would learn to handle it better. Roberts and Sims are having another kid. Oh, and Francesca has a new boyfriend, Tom something or other. I don't much like him." AJ's disapproval was evident in his voice. "But then, no one's good enough for my little girl. I guess all fathers feel that way."

Keely laughed, nodding. "I think that's pretty true," she agreed. She laid her head against the back of his couch, watching him. "So, what's happened with you over the past two years?" she asked softly. "I feel like I've missed so much back here."

"You haven't missed all that much," AJ corrected her. "I stuck to myself mostly. Did a lot of reading, which is how I heard about "Last Exit". You know, I had no idea it was yours at first," he admitted, "what with the pen name and all. I'd just heard it was a great book, so I bought it. It wasn't until I was halfway through that 'Daniel' started to seem very familiar."

Keely ducked her head. "I told you this once: I write what I know."

Chuckling, AJ reached over, tucking his hand under Keely's chin and raising her head. "You did wonderfully. I was engrossed."

Keely smiled shyly again. "Thanks. I just hope my parents think the same way when I see them at the wake tomorrow."

"I'm sure they will," AJ said firmly. "Now on to the important discussion." He paused long enough to watch Keely's eyes widen. "Pizza or Chinese?"

Keely laughed, shaking her head. She rose from the couch, bending over to kiss him on the cheek. "Surprise me. But if it's pizza, I want extra cheese." She began to head to the guest bathroom, then stopped. "Um, would it be okay if I had a shower? I feel grimy."

"Keely," AJ reprimanded her sternly, "my house is your house for as long as you're here. I haven't changed *that* much."

*But have I?* she asked herself, but smiled anyway. "I know," she finally replied, picking up her bag and heading into the bathroom.

* * *

Half an hour later, she emerged, more relaxed. She slipped on her pajama pants and her University of Washington sweatshirt. She towel dried her hair, combing it out, and letting it air dry. She reemerged barefoot from the bedroom, looking for AJ.

From the kitchen, AJ smiled at Keely. "You look better," he commented, digging through the silverware drawer for a pizza cutter. "And what timing," he added, opening the pizza box and slicing it up.

"Oh, you're heaven-sent," Keely said, leaning over and devouring the wondrous scent of Domino's. "I feel much better," she added. "Although, please don't be offended if I fall over from exhaustion while you're talking to me."

"I'll do my best," AJ chuckled. He passed her one of the two plates and piled pizza high on it. "Pepsi or milk?" he asked, remembering her favorites.

"Milk, please," Keely replied, moving over to the couch and flipping on the television. "Who's the new newscaster chick on channel 7?" She shook her head in disgust. "I miss Maureen and Kathleen," she mock-whined before taking a huge bite of pizza.

Pouring a glass of milk for Keely and grabbing a beer for himself, AJ joined her on the couch. It was as if no time has passed--like the past two years had been some awful dream. Here she was, in his living room again, eating pizza and making him laugh. "Slow down, kid, and chew the food before you choke," he teased.

Keely shook her head, finishing the pizza. "I haven't eaten since yesterday morning," she confided, taking another slice. "With the press junkets and nomination meetings, I barely have enough time to pee, let alone eat."

"Jesus." AJ shook his head slowly. "Keely, you need to take better care of yourself," he chided. Digesting her comment, he added, "What nomination?"

Keely's tongue darted out and licked away an excess speckle of tomato sauce. "The book got nominated for a Pulitzer." She said softly, placing her pizza back on its plate and wiping her hands with a napkin.

"Keely, that's *fabulous*!" AJ exclaimed. "You must be so proud."

Keely smiled at his exuberance. "Yeah, it's pretty cool."

Grinning, AJ leaned over and hugged Keely briefly. "Congratulations," he said. "I'm really proud of you."

Keely hugged him back, soothed by the familiarity in the gesture. After they separated, she shot a grin at him, a shadow of her former self. "Well, I think I should be thanking you...the critics loved 'Daniel'."

"Well you're welcome. And to think, all I had to do to get you nominated for a Pulitzer was break both our hearts and send you across the country."

Keely laughed, chucking her rolled up napkin at him. "Well, if tonight's any indication, we'll have plenty of stuff for the sequel."

"Let's make it a trilogy," AJ suggested teasingly, "and we'll see about getting it banned from respectable bookstores."

Keely rolled her eyes. "Well, you're not full of yourself, are you?"

AJ shrugged with a good-natured grin. "I just go by what I've been told."

Keely folded her arms primly. "Oh, and what would that be?"

Clearing his throat, AJ put on a high-pitched voice and quoted Keely. "Oh, God, AJ...wow. That was...wow, I've had...but it was never like *that*."

Keely picked up a throw pillow and propped herself on her knees, hitting him over the head. "You're such a *jerk*!" she said, laughing. "Do you remember everything I said to you?"

Shielding himself from the pillow, AJ laughed loudly. "Every single thing." He grabbed Keely's wrists, forestalling another attack.

Keely struggled against his grip for a minute, laughing hard. It was such a release; she hadn't laughed this much in a while. She sighed, shaking her head at him. "I smelled you everywhere," she finally said, grumbling like a petulant child who's forced to apologize.

"You what?"

Keely shrugged. "Everywhere I went in Seattle, I just...you were there. I would be walking through the Market, and the wind would blow and I'd swear you were behind me. That's how the book started. I was sitting along the waterfront one day, and I felt the air shift...and I just knew you were there. And then when you weren't.." she trailed off, shrugging again. "That's why Allison always went back to the pier in the book."

AJ was silent for a long moment, before admitting, "I had to shower in the guest bathroom for three months. I couldn't walk in there and see your shampoo bottle, and I couldn't throw it away."

"So *that's* where that went!" Keely laughed, realizing they were on dangerous ground, ground that she wasn't quite ready to admit yet. She settled cross-legged next to him, with AJ still having a loose grip on her wrists.

"You left it here the last night..." AJ trailed off. He released her wrists, shifting his hands so that they covered hers lightly instead. "Speaking of which, did you ever find my Yankees tee-shirt?"

Keely bit the inside of her cheek. Should she tell him? Finally, she sighed. "It's kind of framed in my office in Seattle." At his questioning look, she hastily continued. "I met some of the Yankees when they visited Seattle and they signed it."

"Well, then you owe me a tee-shirt," AJ teased, squeezing her hand slightly. "Did it make you feel better to have it?"

Keely chuckled, tilting her head. Finally, she was able to admit, "Yeah, it did. It was the one thing I allowed myself to dwell on. And it gave me good inspiration to remember," she added, her smile widening.

Smiling contentedly, AJ winked. "Then you can keep it."

"Gee, thanks," she replied, settling against the back of the couch, closer to him. "You know, you really should come out and visit me. It rains a lot, but it's a beautiful city."

Slipping his arm around Keely's shoulder, AJ agreed quickly, "I'd love to. I'll have to wait until JAG's slow period, but I'll definitely come."

"Good." Keely rested her head against his shoulder, reaching up and twining her fingers with his. She might not be able to admit it yet, but she hoped she was able to show him just had much she had missed him. She leaned her head against the back of the couch, sighing deeply.

Taking a chance, AJ leaned over and kissed Keely's cheek, lingering a moment. "I've missed you so much," he whispered.

Keely turned to face him, bringing one hand to his cheek again. She closed her eyes and nodded, replying in an equally quiet whisper, "I know. I know, AJ."

"No, you don't. Every morning, when I wake up, and every night, when I lay down to go to sleep, I miss you beside me. Every day at lunch, when I reach for the phone to call you, and remember that you're not at O'Reilly's, waiting for me to call, I miss you." AJ stopped, clearing his throat in
embarrassment. He hadn't meant to reveal all of that.

Keely looked away for a moment, but his steadfast gaze forced her back. "I do know, AJ," she finally said, her stomach in knots. "Every word of that book, I knew. I relived everything, and was petrified I'd never find it again. The way you touched my hair, my face, the way you looked at me when you thought I wasn't watching...I haven't had that since I left here, and it was like a hole inside of me that just kept getting wider."

"Then how could you even think that I wouldn't feel the same way?" AJ asked, moving closer and lowering his voice.

Keely dropped her gaze again, noting he had changed the throw blanket in her absence. "I've changed," she said in a strangled whisper. "I'm not the little 'pixie', as you liked to call me. I've grown up, finally."

"Keely, I wasn't in love with you because you were a little girl. It's because you're an intelligent, funny woman, who has a good heart and understands me. It doesn't matter how much you grow up, you'll always be that."

Keely raised her head and looked at him again, tears making their way down her freckled cheek. Her chin trembled as she fought to speak again. "Oh, God, how I missed you."

Without a word, AJ leaned over and brushed his lips over Keely's tenderly. "I....love you."

Keely nodded, still fighting back a deluge of tears. "I know..." She worked her mouth a few times, taking several deep breaths. "I don't deserve you," she finally said, angry at herself for being unable to say it back.

"Oh, god, Keel," AJ said, shaking his head. "Don't start this, please. It's hard enough for me to say that, don't make me defend it."

Keely couldn't help but smile at that. She cradled his face in her hands, kissing his forehead. "I need you to understand something," she finally said. "I don't have the strength to say it to you, yet. I don't know why, but I just can't right now. But when the time is right..." she trailed off,
nodding emphatically. "You'll know."

AJ wouldn't let himself analyze it, he just nodded and reached for Keely, holding her tightly. "Okay."

Keely held him to her, drawing strength to combat her overwhelming confusion. Finally, she separated, wiping at her eyes. "Hey, do you mind if I use your phone and call my roommate? I think she'd like to know I'm relatively okay."

"Sure, you know where it is. I'm going to go get ready for bed." AJ stood, heading towards his bedroom.

"'Kay." Keely watched him retreat, then buried her head in her hands. What the hell was wrong with her? Not to be able to say three little words, when speaking for hours on end was her profession was absurd. But those words were the most difficult she'd have to say.

She sighed as she picked up the phone and dialed her phone number. After a short conversation with Martie, Keely hung up the phone and wandered into the bedroom, searching for her pajama top.

AJ came back into the living room just as Keely was disappearing into the kitchen, searching for a glass and getting some water. She began to head into AJ's bedroom, and then spun on her heel. "Sorry," she muttered, embarrassed. "Habit, I guess."

"It's okay," AJ assured her. "And just so you know," he added, "if you want to...sleep in there..." He trailed off, gesturing towards his bedroom.

Keely offered a smile. "Do you still have those cotton sheets we got on Black Thursday?"

"Hell yes. They're the most comfortable ones I've ever owned."

"I *told* you!" Keely grinned, heading into the bedroom, pulling back the comforter and sliding in. She readjusted the pillows, propping herself up and watching him as he lingered in the doorway. After a minute, she said, "Aren't you coming?"

"Yeah," AJ said, shaking off his mood. Slipping into bed beside Keely, he offered an arm on which to pillow her head. "This is like deja vu."

Keely smiled, scooting closer. "I like deja vu. You almost always know what to expect." She yawned, her eyes slipping shut.

"Almost always," AJ echoed.

* * *

Keely sighed softly, rolling over onto her back around 2:30 that morning. She hadn't been able to sleep soundly, as her body clock fought against her sleepiness. She snuck a look at AJ, who slept soundly. She shook her head, fighting off a smile. That man still slept through anything and everything.

She slipped out of the bed, trying not to wake him. She crept out into the living room, easing his creaky door shut so the light wouldn't disturb him. As Keely headed through the living room and into the kitchen, she couldn't help but think of how comfortable she was here. Rooting around his kitchen cupboards, Keely was struck by the realization that in the two years she'd been in Seattle, while she'd had a few short relationships, they lacked so much.

They lacked him.

As she settled on the couch with some Crunch and Munch, she drew her legs under her, the cotton of her pajama pants tickling the undersides of her feet. If she realized what they had was truly special, why couldn't she admit it to him?

Keely shook her head in frustration, running a hand through her hair. The roles were reversed now, just as everything in her life was, and she had no idea how to deal with it. She knew she loved him, but was she *in* love with him?

Was she willing to wait and see, when the last time she waited, she left with a broken heart?

Keely set the box on AJ's coffee table, getting up to pace his living room. She walked over to his bookcase, running her hand along the leather binding of his books. Most of them, as she knew from earlier, were history books about the Navy, and law texts. But at the end of the second shelf, she noticed a tattered, beige glossy cover. Tilting her head, she smiled as she saw it was her book.

She drew it from its spot, stopping the rest of the books from crashing against the side of the wood. She turned the book in her hand, noting the small rips along the edges. She flipped open the book, surprised to find AJ's pen marks in the margins. Keely smiled, looking at the closed bedroom door. She sat back on the couch, leafing through the pages. She shook her head, trailing a finger along the creases. No wonder he'd come looking for her...he figured it out in chapter three, long before she had even taken a second glance at what she'd written.

Keely continued to leaf through until she almost reached the end of the book, stopped only by yellow highlighter. She began to skim what he'd highlighted, and her heart stopped.

~~Allison stood along the pier, trying desperately to wrap and warm herself in her thin denim jacket. Her brown hair flew in a thousand directions as the wind howled behind her. She looked out over the turbulent waters, somehow comforted that they felt as she did. The white crests of the waves were swallowed by the blackness, just as the hole inside her was slowly chipping away at her resolve.

She turned in a circle, taking in one deep breath before retreating to her car. She'd miss this place, if she was honest with herself. But most of all, she thought as she threw the ignition and turned up the heat full blast, she'd miss him.

*Damn*, she thought, *I hadn't planned on that.*

As she found herself traveling 60 miles an hour down Route 9, forcing her foot closer and closer to the floor, she thought about what Dan had said to her when she left. He wanted her to stay.

And what had she said? "I need you to need me to stay." *Dumbass*, she thought angrily as she changed lanes quickly. Why hadn't she realized that just by asking her to stay, he was admitting he needed her? And why was she so scared to be needed?~~

The chapter ended there, and Keely rested the book against her chest. She remembered writing that, as she sat along the water, toes teasing the top of the icy Sound. She felt just as confused now as she had then--but, as she looked at the door, she wasn't as scared.

He'd chased her to Dulles for a reason. She'd written her book for a reason. He'd admitted he loved her for a reason. He stayed for a reason.

And, she realized, with a pang of terror, she loved him for it.

She slowly closed the book, placing it on the coffee table. As she got up, though, a thought struck her. She went to his desk and grabbed a pen, opening the front flap of the book to her dedication page. Finally, a year after she'd placed the last period on her last sentence, she was able to write the dedication she'd wanted to:

To AJ: "And when I loved..." Thank you for letting me live again. --
Beatrice.

She laid the pen on top of the book, moving back into the bedroom. Somehow, she knew she'd be able to sleep soundly now.

* * *


Glancing at the clock, AJ decided they couldn't wait any longer. "Keely," he whispered, shaking her shoulder gently. "Time to get up, kid."

Keely stirred, her dark hair brushing her forearms. She turned her head back and forth, then opened one eye. "AJ?" she said around a yawn. "Oh, God, we're going to be late!"

"No, it's only quarter past eight, we have plenty of time," AJ assured her. "You go shower and I'll toast our bagels." The familiar morning routine came back to him as quickly as it had been forgotten.

Keely sighed, sitting up. "Thanks," she offered tiredly. She felt unrefreshed as she opened AJ's closet and took her suit out and headed into the bathroom. Turning on the light, she blinked against its harshness, then braced her hands against the edge of the countertop, watching herself. She looked...old.

Keely rolled her eyes, turning on the water as hot as she could stand it, and took as long of a shower as time allowed. She pulled on her black tank dress and pantyhose, quickly drying her hair and pinning it back with non-descript pins. Gathering her cardigan, she looked at herself in the mirror again and sighed.

She let her nose lead her to the bagels and cream cheese, and offered what she hoped was a genuine-looking smile to AJ, who held out a coffee cup to her. "Thank you," she said quietly.

Grabbing the poppyseed bagels out of the toaster, AJ dropped them onto two paper plates. He covered each one liberally in cream cheese and draped slices of smoked salmon on both. "You still like it this way, right?" he asked.

Keely smiled and nodded. "You got it," she said, somewhat amazed. "Oh, crap," she said, putting her coffee cup back on the counter. She hurried back into the bedroom, rooting around in her bag for something. She returned after a minute and held out a delicate diamond cross necklace to AJ. "Would you mind?" she asked softly. "It's a small clasp."

AJ took the thin gold chain in his big hands, opening the tiny clasp deftly. Lifting his arms high, he draped it around Keely's neck, closing the clasp with a little click. "All done," he said quietly.

Keely bowed her head, then turned to face him, offering another smile of thanks. She reached for her bagel and began to eat, not tasting any of the smoky salmon, just going through the motions.

Slipping up behind her, AJ placed a strong hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently. "Keely," he said, his voice low, "it's okay. You can cry if you want." He wasn't sure that's what she needed, but he couldn't really tell. Keely was always good at hiding her real emotions.

Keely turned again, shaking her head, but looking at him with bright, unshed tears in her eyes. "I can't do it right now," she admitted. "But thank you."

"You can," he insisted, but let the subject drop. "Eat up, we have to leave soon."

Keely took a few more bites of her bagel, and then dumped it in the trash. She rinsed off her hands and went to gather her purse and shoes. As she bent over to slip on her pumps, her peripheral vision caught the pen and the book. Should she tell him now?

*Nah*, she thought. Keep this last speck of introversion and pride, just for fun.

* * *

The gravesite burial was brief, much to Keely's relief. She crossed herself after the final prayer, silent tears still making their way down her face. The priest blessed them once more, and she turned to her parents. "I need to go home," she said simply. "I might be at the bar later."

Her parents didn't argue.

Keely turned back to AJ, holding out her hand to him. "Let's go."

Taking her hand silently, AJ led Keely to the car and drove quickly towards home.

Keely said nothing the forty minutes it took to return to McLean, simply watching the gray horizon of DC and Virginia fly by. As the comforting lull of the car eased into a stop in AJ's driveway, she wiped her eyes and got out of the car, not waiting for him to turn it off. She stood on the porch, rubbing her arms at the chill, waiting for him to open the front door.

Opening the door, AJ let Keely in, following behind her.

Keely slipped off her shoes and stockings, hanging her cardigan on the coat rack. "Do you have any hard liquor?" she asked, heading to the corner of the living room where she knew he used to keep it.

"Yeah, but..." He started to say "I don't think you need to be drinking," before he remembered she was an adult and could make her own decisions just fine. "I'll get a glass."

"I just want a shot, don't worry," Keely said, smiling slightly in spite of herself. "You know, you can be more of a father than my own dad sometimes."

"I worry about you," AJ admitted.

Keely shrugged, opening his liquor cabinet and bringing out the whiskey. "I know you do," she finally said, joining him in the kitchen. "And I worry about me sometimes too. And I worry about you. That's just how it goes." Keely took the shot glass from him, filled it, and saluted him, before
knocking her head back, letting the fiery liquid run down her throat.

Watching her carefully, AJ slid the shot glass out of her hands, refilling it. He placed the glass to his lips and sucked the liquor down in one gulp.

Keely watched him, amused. She sighed, walking over to the couch and resting her head in her hands.

Leaning against the kitchen counter, AJ watched Keely silently for a moment. "What are you thinking?" he finally asked.

Keely turned her head, raising her eyes to meet his. "I'm wondering if it ever stops hurting."

"Eventually," he said, walking slowly into the living room, not once breaking the eye contact. "It gets a little easier every day."

Keely turned her head away, focusing instead on the book, still perched on the coffee table. "I just can't help but feel like I missed so much. I know I've said it before, but I missed everything, and now I'll never have it back." She sniffled before continuing. "I just wonder how much else I've missed, or how much I might miss...and it scares me so much, AJ."

Following her gaze, AJ took note of the book, out of its proper place, and reminded himself to put it back later. Settling down on the couch beside Keely, he reached his hand around and drew her face to face his. "Keely," he began slowly. "You can't think about that stuff, or you'll go crazy. You have to concentrate on here and now, on what you're *not* missing now."

Keely nodded, biting the inside of her cheek, then leaning across the couch to kiss him lightly. "Thank you," she said hoarsely. "I say it a lot, but just because you deserve it." She rose, motioning to the bedroom. "I'm going to go change and wash my face." By the time she got to the bedroom door, she looked over her shoulder at him. "You have a unique copy of my book, you know."

"Do I?" AJ said rhetorically to her retreating back. Reaching for the book, he flipped it open. His eyes widened as he read the dedication. Closing the book gently and standing, he returned it to its place on the shelf, giving it a loving pat.

Keely unzipped her dress, letting it pool around her feet. She drew on her sweatpants and sweatshirt, heading into the bathroom to scrub her face, but not before the last of her tears escaped. She took a deep breath and then bent to cleanse her face.

Entering the bathroom behind Keely, AJ silently placed a hand on her back as she bent over the sink. "You okay?" he asked quietly.

Keely fumbled for a towel, drying her face when she found it. She rose and smiled shakily at him in the mirror. "I'm better," she admitted. "Although, I'm beat...I might take a nap."

"Mind if I join you?" AJ asked gently.

Keely put the towel on the counter and turned, looking up at him. "I'd like that very much."

Smiling slightly, AJ took Keely's hand and led her to the bed, lying down and holding out his arms for her comfortable weight.

Keely wrapped her own arms around him, resting her head on his collarbone. She closed her eyes, sighing as the fatigue began to take over. "I'm glad I didn't miss this."

Keely stirred an hour later, stretching and nudging AJ's shoulder with her elbow. She checked her watch, then slowly got out of bed, her mind hazy, both from the emotional aftermath of her uncle's funeral and emotional drain. She got a glass of orange juice and then went to AJ's phone, hoping he wouldn't mind another long distance charge.

She called her voice mail, surprised at the twelve messages left there. She grabbed a pile of post-its and a pen, scribbling the names down-- Jen from the Chronicle, Andrew from the Times, Elissa from the Tribune. She rolled her eyes as they all professed their love for her, thinking idly that the only person that mattered still seemed to be sleeping. The last message sent a shiver up her spine.

"Keel, honey, it's Mom. It's 1:15 now, and we're at O'Reilly's, and you're not. I had to call your message service...we had no idea where you were. Anyway, we'd really like you to come, it'd mean a lot to Uncle Shaun, I'm sure. We'll be here till supper. Bye."

Keely slammed the phone down in disgust. She sat on the couch, playing with the post-its, the rustling of the paper tickling her fingers. She didn't want to go, but she knew she should.

Damn it, she thought, why did everything have to be so hard?

"Is something wrong?" AJ asked, leaning languidly in the doorway to the bedroom. "Or did my phone offend you?"

Keely lifted her head, forced to offer a smile. "No, it's just my mother being...my mother." She shook her head and sighed. "Good nap?"

"Fine." Crossing the room in three strides, AJ sank down on the couch. "She wants you to go to the condolence party," he guessed, more of a statement than a question.

Keely rubbed her weary face with an equally weary hand. "Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner, Alex." She put her feet up on the coffee table, crossing her arms. "It just frustrates me to *no* end that she knows exactly which buttons to push, even though I haven't talked to her in ages. Am I really that easy to read?"

AJ grinned easily, leaning back next to Keely, and tilting his head so that it almost touched hers. "Only for me," he said, his voice low.

Keely turned her head to watch him, offering a small smile and chuckle in return. She rested her head against his shoulder, drawing one hand up and lacing her fingers with his, then comparing the size of their hands. "I should probably go," she finally said dejectedly.

"Keely," AJ tried to impart some hard-earned wisdom, "don't talk about 'should's. There is only one question in life: is it good for me?" Ironic words coming from a man who had dedicated his life to serving an institution.

She moved her head, burrowing her nose on his neck, kissing him lightly. "Thank you, Yoda." She paused, contemplating her choices. "I think it would be good to see the bar for a little bit...and then there's the issue of the will that I think my parents want to settle today." She sighed again, her breath tickling his neck. "Would you come with me?"

"Try and stop me," AJ said, inhaling the scent of peaches. "Why do you smell like peaches?"

Keely grinned. "Bath and Body Works had a sale. I used my first royalty check at the local mall." She stood, arching her back, hearing the tendons pop. "You ready to go piss off some of my relatives, old man?" she teased, a true smile adorning her features for once.

AJ stood, holding out a hand to Keely. "Ready and willing, kid."

* * *

O'Reilly's bar
Georgetown
1424 EST

Keely drummed her slender fingers along the table as the notary read her uncle's will. She snuck a glance at AJ, who was sitting at the bar, attempting to work the bar's ancient television. She suppressed a smile as he squinted at the remote, and then was tugged back into reality by the
lawyer clearing his throat. She murmured a soft apology, and the man continued reading.

"To my brother, Kevin O'Reilly, I leave $5,000 worth of stocks, to be shared with my sister-in-law, Leslie. To my niece, Keely Shannon O'Reilly, I leave the remainder of the estate, including, but not limited to, my townhouse in Georgetown, Washington, DC, including belongings, as well as the property known as O'Reilly's bar."

Keely's jaw dropped open. "He left me the bar?"

The lawyer nodded. "Although, there is a provision that a man by the name of Jack remain as on-site manager."

Keely laughed at that, nodding. "I think that can be arranged. Thank you, Mr. Potter, you've been very helpful. I'll come by your office tomorrow to sign the papers."

The man nodded and rose, leaving Keely and her parents in the booth. Keely leaned back and shook her head. "Wow."

Kevin picked up the will, rereading it for himself. "I don't know why I'm so surprised he left everything to you...not like you need it, Keely."

Keely rolled her eyes. "I'm choosing to ignore that."

"Well, you'd better stop ignoring your father and pay attention," Leslie snapped at Keely. "We need the income much more than you do. After all, you've got a best-selling book now."

Keely rubbed her temples with her hands. "It's all about the money, isn't it? That's what it's always been about. You two didn't want to spare your precious income to feed or clothe or love a baby, so you threw her to the wolves. And when she shines in the face of adversity, you have to be there to make her feel like a loser. That's what you do, isn't it?"

"Keely," her father said warningly.

"No, no. I am *sick* of this. Sick of it. You get your pension at the end of the year, Dad, and Mom still has all of Grandma Olive's inheritance, unless you've spent that on ugly costume jewelry." Keely paused, her mouth narrowing. "I have worked for twenty-eight years for everything in my life. *Everything.* I could care less about the money, I really could. But it's what it *represents* that counts. You could never understand that. It's not in you."

"I understand one thing, Keely Shannon O'Reilly, and that is that you are an ungrateful, spoiled little girl. Your father and I brought you into this world, and we can take you out," her mother threatened.

Seeing the look on Leslie's face, AJ stood and crossed the room quickly. "Keely, is everything okay?" he asked. His voice was filled with deadly calm.

Keely looked up at him, smiling like the cat who ate the canary. "Yes, AJ, everything's fine. In fact," she said, rising from the booth, "My parents were just about to leave *my* bar."

Kevin sat up. "Now, you wait a minute."

Keely shook her head. "I waited a lifetime, Dad. It ain't happening. Now, say your goodbyes and get the hell out."

Surprised by her vehemence, AJ kept quiet, simply staying by Keely's side for emphasis.

Leslie stood, grabbing her purse out of the booth. "I'm warning you now, Keely: don't call us. Don't write to us. Don't ask us for a damn thing. Because as of now, we don't have a daughter."

Kevin rose as well, bowing his head and saying nothing. She watched, standing deathly still, as her parents said goodbye to her relatives, and then as the wintry DC afternoon enveloped them. Only as the door shut did her eyes do the same, hot, angry tears escaping along with a sob.

Helpless, AJ stood there, not sure what to do. After a second, he pulled Keely close, holding her in his arms. "That was really brave," he whispered as she cried. "I don't know if I could've done it."

Keely weaved her arms under his suit jacket, the scratchy material of his shirt somehow comforting her. She took a deep breath and composed herself, leaning back to regard him finally. "I just severed all contact with my parents," she said, disbelieving. "I don't know whether to dance a jig or keep crying." She wiped her eyes, shaking her head. She slumped back in the
booth, playing with the will. "This is the day from hell." "Or sent from heaven," AJ added, playing devil's advocate. "Depends on how you look at it. It's a fresh start," he offered.

Keely chuckled, sighing again. "They were so angry with me," she said, looking at the door. "You know why?"

"No."

"Well, they read the book, obviously, and weren't thrilled by my descriptions of Allison's parents, and her hatred towards them for putting her up for adoption." She crossed her legs, resting her elbow against the high-backed part of the booth. "But then one day, I get this call from my mother. She wanted money, half of my first couple of royalty checks, or she said she
planned to sue for defamation."

"Shit." AJ sank to a crouch, resting his hands on Keely's knees. "Now I can see why you did that." He gestured toward the door.

Keely shook her head and shrugged. "But she's still my *mother*, you know? All my life, all I've ever wanted was for them to love me, to give a damn about me...and I just cemented the fact that they won't."

"How can they not care?" AJ asked, disbelieving but for the confrontation he'd just witnessed. "I mean, look at you..." he trailed off. "Assholes," he muttered, unable to understand it.

Keely couldn't help but laugh at that, cupping his cheek. "Very well said, Admiral." She nodded to the bar. "Wanna buy the new owner a drink?"

"I'll do better than that." AJ stood, clapping his hands together once. "I'll pour it myself. What'll it be?"

"Bourbon. Lots and lots of bourbon." Keely rose with him, looking at the smattering of family still milling around the bar. She'd never been that close with anyone other than her uncle, and she was sure that the debacle with her parents would segregate her further. As she sat on the vinyl stool, turning back and forth as she did as a child, she watched AJ pour her drink, and she realized, not for the first time, but stronger than before, that all she needed was him.

*It was scary as hell, but you know what?* she thought. *Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand.*

AJ slipped behind the bar, shaking his head. "I don't think so, darlin'. Do you trust me?" He held up a bottle, his large hand covering the label.

Keely rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love you, even, just pour the damn drink."

His eyes widening, AJ complied. His hands flew as he mixed three different liqueurs and added some juice and finally, an orange slice. "Enjoy," he said, leaning on the bar in front of her.

Keely held the drink up, studying it carefully. "What *is* it?"

"It's my specialty. I call it an AJ Stinger. Drink up." He grinned, waiting for her reaction.

Keely looked from the odd-colored drink to him and back again. She shook her head, then saluted him with the glass. "Bottoms up." She took a tentative sip, feeling the liquor slide down her throat. "Not bad," she finally decided.

"Not bad? Geez, I'll have to try harder," AJ noted. He waited about thirty seconds for the last of the liqueurs to take effect. The AJ Stinger was known for its ability to get the drinker drunk, or at least buzzed and happy, in a matter of moments.

Keely finished the drink, watching AJ watch her. Finally, she giggled, setting the glass on the counter. "Are you trying to get me drunk, Admiral?"

"Just drunk enough," AJ grinned.

"Well unless you want me puking all over your car on the way home, you'd better feed me, AJ," Keely grinned.

Laughing a little, AJ said, "You name the place, Madame Bartender. It's on me."

Keely leaned up and kissed the side of his mouth. "Is The Guard still open? You know, the place we used to go for omelets?"

"Oh, I don't know." AJ laughed softly, his heart light. "Let's drive over and find out. If not...well, we can be in Atlantic City in time to see the sunrise."

Keely shook her head and laughed with him, linking her fingers with his. "Let me just say my goodbyes and we can blow this pop stand."

"I'll go get the car," AJ said, heading for the door.

Keely joined him a few minutes later, the sudden chill making her nose red. She walked up to his side of the car, standing in front of him, but close enough that their coats touched. "You feel like walking? It's only a couple of blocks down."

"Sure, why not? It's a balmy ten degrees below zero." AJ chuckled, wrapping an arm around her waist and slipping his gloved hand into her pocket possessively.

Keely leaned into his overcoat, allowing the calmness to finally wash over her. It'd been a hard few days, needless to say, and she was thankful he was there with her. They prepared to cross over Thomas Jefferson Street when she paused, looking down the hill at the icy Potomac, with its smattering of city snow edging the sidewalks. AJ took a few steps past her, and she watched his
retreating back. "I love you," she blurted, immediately shocked...but also relieved.

It was right. They were right.

AJ paused in his steps, turning slowly. His smile could've lit up DC. "Thanks," he said, watching her.

Keely met his smile, albeit shyly. She hadn't been expecting that one. Instead, she took three steps and ended up back at his side, lacing her gloved hand with hers. They walked for another block until they reached the small restaurant, and Keely smiled as her stomach growled . "I can *so* go for some crab cakes right now."

"I've got a craving for their oyster shells stuffed with crab meat and a bowl of lobster bisque." AJ paused for a second. "Why did you just say that?"

"Say what? That I wanted crab cakes?"

"That you loved me."

Keely shrugged as they ascended the stairwell into the restaurant. "Because it's true?"

"But why now?" AJ looked puzzled.

"Hi, two, please." Keely smiled at the hostess, who led them to a table in the back porch area of the restaurant. As soon as they were seated, Keely looked at him. "I don't know, AJ...it just felt right." She paused, searching for the right words. "You've been there for me, more than anyone
else, save for my best friend in Seattle. But even she doesn't know the half of it..." She shrugged again. "You understand me. You get that I'm an emotional wreck one minute, then a strong, independent woman the next. You understand that I get frustrated with you, but you know I always come around in the end. You *know* me, you know my heart." She took a sip of water.
"Losing Shaun made me reprioritize. I need to continue to focus on me, and I realized that I'd really like for you to be there when I do."

"Wow." AJ leaned back, crossing his arms. "Wouldn't it have been cool," he asked, borrowing her favorite word, "if we could've figured this out two years ago?" He chuckled slightly.

She smiled, then slowly shook her head. "I couldn't have gotten it then, AJ," she said simply, matching his posture. "Who said "you don't know what you have 'till it's gone"? They were right."

"I don't think I could've either, actually," AJ admitted. "Keely..." He trailed off, unsure of where he was going with this train of thought. "I have something I've been thinking about, and I'd like to hear what you have to say about it."

"Sure," she said, placing her menu on the table and folding her hands atop it, focusing her attention on him.

"You know that the military is different from other institutions. I don't have to wait until I'm sixty-five to retire. I can retire any time I want, I just lose a little bit of my maximum pension for every year that still exists between now and my sixty-fifth birthday." He paused, hoping she was following. "So I was thinking...what's Seattle like?"

End Ch. 4