"What the #%$&^!?"

A Final Fantasy VII Story
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell




Part V


[ The scene opens in the Shinra Building, floor 70. Rufus sits impatiently at
his desk, watching a surveillance Monitor ]

Rufus: All this waiting tires me. I haven't had a fresh tube of gel in
my hair for at least an hour...
Reeve: Don't worry, sir. The Turks will find Pooky-Wookums. The tracking
device will lead them straight to him.
Rufus: Yes, yes. But it's taking far too long. We may be too late! And
besides, I really could use a potty break as well.
Reeve: Can we not share this?Rufus: Why? Do you not go potty?
Reeve: Yes, sir.. But I don't wish to talk abou--
Rufus: So, you think you're too good to have potty time?
Reeve: Uh..sir, please...
Rufus: No. No. Out with it. You're scared of toilets, aren't you?
Reeve: What!? Of course not! I just don't like to talk abou--
Rufus: I see. Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I can help
you get over this phobia!
Reeve: Sir, listen to me... I don't--

[ AVALANCHE, minus RedXIII and Yuffie, suddenly bursts in, as always ]

Rufus: Can you people simply just walk into my office for once?
Reeve: Whew...
Barret: Lissen here! We gots to talk to--
Rufus: No! I will not have this anymore. You go out and come back in
like civilized people. Then we'll talk.
Cloud: Well, okay! [ Runs back down to the 69th floor ]
Cid: What the #%$&^?! That ain't how we do things, Cloud! Cloud!? Aw,
dammit!
Barret: May as well play along now... [ Slinks back down the stairs,
followed by the rest of AVALANCHE ]
Reeve: This is just awkward...
Rufus: You just keep quiet until we get to your potty training.
Reeve: Potty Trai--!!!
Rufus: Shh!

[ Meanwhile in Cosmo Canyon... ]

Bugenhagen: Ho ho hoooo! Nanaki!? Are you okay in there!?
Red XIII: UUUUUUUNNNNGHHHHH!!!!! OH GOLLY, IT HURTS!!!!
Bugenhagen: Eeeewww... I think Nanaki had some bad Wutaian Food...
Red XIII: You...better...beleive it...!!! URGH!!!
Yuffie: OH GRRR~OSS!!! Get me OUT of here!! Geeeez!! I need a SHOWER!!
Bugenhagen: I'll not even ask....
Red XIII: Yeah! I got the Materia back! [ Bursts forth from the bathroom, a
large bag of Materia in his teeth ] I must go help my friends! See you soon,
Grandfather!
Bugenhagen: I shall..uh...look forward to that..
Yuffie: [ Staggers out of the bathroom ] What a trip...! Hey, got any
Materia, old man?

[ Back at the Shinra Building, floor 70... ]

Barret: Okay, sucka! We ain't leavin' and comin' back anymore!! Now talk!
Rufus: Oh, very well. I have more important things to do. What do you want?
Cid: What's up with Hojo and his Weapon!? What is it!? Why're we after
it!?
Rufus: I don't know.
Cloud: You don't?
Rufus: Of course I do. I'm the President.
Cloud: Wait..uh..what?
Barret: He's jus' tryin' to get around answerin' us!
Cid: Yeah!? Well, maybe he'll talk if we..uh..KILL this guy!! [ Grabs
Reeve by the hair ]
Reeve: Hey!? Dummy!!!
Cait Sith: Knock it off!! Remember!!??
Cloud: Yeah! We'll kill this guy!!
Reeve: Wait a minute!!! Stop!!
Cid: Psst..Cloud...no...it's Reeve..remember? I just made a mistake...
Cloud: [ As if he hadn't heard ] ..So you better tell us what we want to
know!!
Reeve: GUYS!!! Knock it off!!!
Rufus: Kill him for all I care.
Reeve: What!?! What is this!?!?
Cloud: Oh!? Think we won't do it, eh!? [ Bends over and rips Reeve's
shoe off ]
Barret: Cloud, man...stop. Foo', it's Reeve...
Cloud: Now talk! Or I'll cut his big TOE off!!
Reeve: Wait!! Wait!! Aha! Please!?! Waaahahaaa!!
Rufus: Really, I'm not just saying it. I don't care.
Cloud: Playing hard to get, huh!?
Cid: Hard to get!? FAG!!!
Cloud: Shut up, Cid!! I'm being tough!!
Cid: Looks more like a One-Man Fairy Parade.
Rufus: You people procrastinate too much. [ Raises his shotgun and takes
aim, blasting Reeve's big toe off ]
Reeve: RRERRAAAAAHHHH!!!!! AAAAHHAHHHH!!! DYAAHAA!!! MY TOE!!
Cloud: Holy CRAP!! I guess he really didn't care!
Cid: No shit! What a Quiz Kid! Stupid *%&)#@!!
Shinra MP's: [ Rush in and surround AVALANCHE ]
Cloud: EEEEEEEEK! Run!!!
Cid: What?! We can take these pussies!! CLOUD!! Dammit! Uh...
Barret: Le's jus' get 'da hell outta here!

[ AVALANCHE follows Cloud, who runs aimlessly around the Shinra Building ]

Cloud: I'll hide in HERE!! [ Ducks into the shower room ]
Cid: Now, where'd he run his pansy ass off to?!
Cloud: [ From a distance ] EEEEEEYYYYYAAARGH!!!
Barret: Sounds like he found Sephiroth! Les' go!!
Cloud: [ Staggers out of the showers ] Ugh..I'm...so gonna puke....
Cid: What? What the hell happened?! Sephiroth!?
Cloud: Worse...
Tifa: What's worse than Sephiroth?
Cloud: Walking into the showers and catching Heidegger pressure washing
Palmers ass-crack...
Cid: Oh my mother#%$*^ing GOSH!! I'm gonna lose it this time....
Barret: Now 'dats da' kinda shi' 'dat'll ruin a man....
Cid: Not Cloud. He's used to that kinda stuff....
Cloud: HEY!!
Vincent: I hate to interrupt....Tifa: What is it?
Vincent: ..Give me time to finish my sentence and you'll find out. Ahem,
it seems Sephiroth is here.
Cloud: Where!??!?
Vincent: He just entered the fourth toilet stall on the right....
Cloud: Let's sneak up on him!!
Cid: Uh..you should be used to sneaking up on men in the bathroom. You
go ahead.Cloud: Sure thing. I'll just--HEY!! CID!!!
Barret: Jus' go, foo'!
Cloud: [ Sneaks over to the stall area, but is immediately knocked over
as someone exits a stall in front of him, swinging the door outward hard ]
OW!! *Thud*
Rufus: What was that? Oh well. Now, Reeve. Do you see why the Potty is
our friend?
Reeve: I'd be more willing to listen to this if you hadn't shot my toe
off...Rufus: We'll sew it back on later. Just pay attention now. See this
little silver lever?Reeve: I'm aware of how a toilet works, sir...
Rufus: Are you? Are you really? Well, let's see you work it then.
Reeve: Fine.... [ Pulls the lever ]
Rufus: Wrong, wrong, wrong. Do it with more finesse! Pizazz! Gumption!
Reeve: Sir, may I ask what the bloody HELL you're talking about?
Rufus: Why no, you may not. Say, what is that horrific odor that is
infiltrating my presidential nasal cavities?
Reeve: It seems that stall is in use.
Rufus: How dare someone use a stall while I am in here moderating a
seminar on the use of toiletry.
Reeve: [ Looks around ] Seminar?
Rufus: We shall reconvene in the executive washroom.
Reeve: Wonderful.... [ Reeve and Rufus exit ]
Cloud: [ Gets up sowly ] Ugh..what hit me...?
Sephiroth: Seems that this door hit you... [ Points to the Cloud-shaped dent
in the door ]
Cloud: I see...AAAAHH!! Sephiroth!?
Sephiroth: No need to shout. Say, did you know that Hojo is on his way here?
Cloud: Really!? Great! I'll go tell the others!
Sephiroth: Not so fast! First, you want to do something for me, right Cloud?
Cloud: [ Eyes go blank ] Yes, Master Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Excellent. You know what your task is, correct?
Cloud: Yes, Master. I am to perform show tunes for you all evening.
Sephiroth: Exactly. ..No, wait. What the hell? No! You are to retrieve my
lucky socks and the Weapon from Hojo!
Cloud: All right... [ Turns and walks off slowly ]
Sephiroth: Excellent...soon I shall be able to take over and RULE THE WORLD!
..THEN I'll have him perform Show tunes! Mwa ha ha!

[ Meanwhile, at Kalm, Red XIII has just arrived on his last leg to Midgar
with the gangs materia. Little does he know he has company... ]

Red XIII: *HuffHuff-Wheeze* Almost...there....got Materia...just need
water....
Hojo: Hee hee hee...so close to achieving my goal. The President will
be most pleased...
Red XIII: Hwee!? Hojo! Ack! [ Ducks behind a building ]
Hojo: Bring it on in here, Ralph! The coast is clear! Everyone's indoors!
Ralph: [ Slowly walks into Kalm, dragging a little red wagon with the
MACHINE in it ] Why..do I...*wheeze* ..have to do all the hard work...?
Hojo: Oh, shaddap. We're almost there. Just take a break for a few and
we'll head out again.
Red XIII: I must alert the others that Hojo is almost back and his machine
is complete! [ Runs off toward Midgar with the bag of Materia ]


[ Meanwhile, in Lucrecia's cave... ]

Lucrecia: Kee hee hee....! It's only a matter of time, M'lord!
Pooky-Wookums: ................
Lucrecia: What's that? You want some pudding and make-beleive tea? And you
want to wear this pink bonnet? Very well, M'lord. Your wish is my command.
Pooky: .....................
Lucrecia: Do not fear, M'lord. Soon. all wil lcome together, and victory
will be ours! Eeeee, hee hee heeeeeee!!!!!!
Pooky: .....................

[ Back at the Shinra Building, AVALANCHE lays in wait for Sephiroth to make a
move..... ]

Barret: 'Dis waitin' is killin' me! Ain't dere nothin' we can do!?
Cid: We can go kick some Shinra SOLDIER ass?
Tifa: No! We need to stay here and keep an eye on Sephiroth...
Cait Sith: But, man, it stinks in here... I think something crawled up
Sephiroth's ass and died!
Cid: You ain't kiddin'!
Vincent: Hush! Something's happening!
Sephiroth: [ Lays down on the floor ]
Tifa: What's going on?
Vincent: Must be some sort of ritual....
Sephiroth: Ugh...ever since I lost my socks anything cheesy I eat gives me
horrible gas...ooooohhhhhh.....just need to lay down.....
Vincnet: Erm..nevermind...
Cid: How goddamn nasty....
Rufus: Excuse me....
Cid: What the #%$&^!?
Rufus: Please, refrain from using such language in my Godly presence.
Barret: More like DOGLY! HAR HAR HAR HAR!!!
Rufus: How foolish of you.
Tifa: What do you mean?
Rufus: There are camera's trained on all of you now.
Cid: So? Big deal!
Rufus: Well, you see, you all have been standing here for hours now.
We've caught some pretty embarassing things.
Barret: Like what, foo'!?
Rufus: Well, let's see.. You, large black man, have picked your nose
subsequently and then wiped them in your beard..
Barret: ...Uhm...foo'!! Lies!!
Cid: Oh gross, I can see them from here...!
Rufus: You, young lady with large bosoms, have been caught shifting
yourself frequently, then digging at your..uh.."wedgie".
Tifa: AAAAHH!!! No!!!
Rufus: Yes. You, Santa Clause impersonator...
Vincent: What? Where do you get...--
Rufus: ..you have been caught on tape doing the macarena when no one
else was looking.
Vincent: God no!! I admit it! I have committed another sin!! Nightmares
will come to me now...
Rufus: Right. And finally, you excessively smoking old pilot. You have
been caught adjusting yourself, peering up young lady with large bosom's
skirt, cussing, eating things off the floor, putting your hand down your
pants, spitting, passing gas, urinating in the corner, and wiping
your...bottom on large white mogs back.
Cait Sith: [ Looks down behind him at the Mogs back ] OH GROSS!! I thought I
smelled SOMETHING!! Ugh!!
Rufus: This is why I called you fools. Now we can air all this on Shinra
TV and embarass all of you.
Barret: Goddamn!! I'll rip you apart!
Rufus: I'll pass... [ Walks away ]
Cid: Damn...this stinks.
Cait Sith: You'd know!!
Tifa: HMPH!! [ Slaps Cid several times ]
Cid: He was KIDDING!? Argh!! Dammit! Don't make me go crazy on your
fine ass too, 'ho!!

[ Meanwhile, in the Nibel Mountains, the Turks continue their search for
Pooky-Wookums..... ]

Reno: We're close, but this radar thing says he's more east.
Elena: So the bear isn't in these mountains?
Reno: Apparently not. He seems to be...in that large lake with the
waterfall that we can't access without the help of a submarine!
Rude: ....Or a special Chocobo.
Reno: Right! Anyway, I guess we need to check it out.
Tseng: Of course.
Reno: Say, why the hell are we looking for a stupid goddamn stuffed
Mako bear anyway?
Tseng: Because, the President needs the bear, apparently. It
has...valuable information...
Reno: What kinda loon do we work for?!
Rude: ....Money's good... Pays for the drinking habbit.... Just a
stuffed bear anyway..can't be too hard to take care of.....
Reno: Rude's right. We'll have this taken care of in no time! Now we
need a sub!
Tseng: We'll head to Junon then. I'll take this helicopter, while you
all walk.
Reno: Why do we always have to walk!?
Tseng: Because, I'm the leader and you are not. So nanny-nanny boo-boo,
stick your head in poo-poo! [ Runs away ]
Elena: Maybe I don't like him as much as I thought...
Reno: I swear, everyone's going insane....!
Rude: ........Testify. [Peace sign]

[ Somewhere between Kalm and Midgar.... ]

Red XIII: *WheezeChoke* ...Only...a little farther to go..must do it for
Seto...grandfather...Cloud and the others....and for...future sex
opportunities...argh...my mind is becoming that of CID'S! Must...get to water
soon...

[ A few miles back behind Red XIII.... ]

Ralph: Isn't it...time for you to pull this...??!
Hojo: [ Looks at his watch ] Nooo, not yet. In a little bit.
Ralph: Well, can you at least get off!? It's hard enough pulling this
damn machine without YOU on top of it!!!
Hojo: No. I must stay fresh for my meeting with the President. Just
pull..and go faster, alright!?
Ralph: Urgh!! Damn, I hate you!!!
Hojo: Everyone does..now MUSH! MUSH!!! Hee hee hee!!! It's only a
matter of time!


Narrator: Wow! Red XIII is on his way back with the materia! Finally, the
gang will have another chance at Sephiroth! Hojo is right on Red XIII's heel
though! And what of Cloud!? He's still under Sephiroth's control, and after
Hojo's socks!! Will Rufus cure Reeve of his nonexistant Toilet-phobia!? Will
Rufus ever get a clue?! Will the Turks get to Pooky-Wookums and Lucrecia before
Hojo's machine, and the end of humanity does first!? Is Sephiroth lactose
intolerant!? We'll find out next time in...."What the #%$&^!?"

To Be Continued .......

All Characters copyright Squarsoft© 1998 [except Ralph and Pooky-Wookums!]