"What the #%$&^!?"

A Final Fantasy VII Story
Written By: Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell



Part VI


[ The scene opens at the base of the Shinra Building, where
Red XIII sits, panting, a bag of materia at his side. ]

Red XIII: *Wheeze* I...made it! Now..I just have to find
the team...which is on one of 70 floors.... D'OH!

[ Meanwhile, in sector 3.... ]

Hojo: Hee bee bee bee bee!! We're almost there! Soon the
world will be mine! HEE HEE HEEEE!!
Ralph: Oh....SHUT UP! I've been doing all the work here...
Hojo: ..You're harshin' my buzz, brother. Oh! By the way, did
I mention that you AREN'T my brother!?

[ Music cue: DUN DUN DUN! ]

Ralph: W-what!?
Hojo: Yes. You are but a clone, and I have no more use for you!
Ralph: Man, couldn't you at least be original?
Hojo: Yes...HERE'S your originality! [Pushes a button and Ralph
explodes] HWA HWA HWA HWA!!

[ In the bathroom of the gym in the Shinra Building.... ]

Sephiroth: Hmm...I'm feeling better now...
Barret: 'Bout damn time. I be tired of waitin' 'round here in 'dis
bafroom...
Cid: Bafroom?!
Barret: Shut yo' mouth, honky!
Tifa: Look! Sephiroth is getting up...
Sephiroth: Well, time to continue my mission. I sense that Hojo is
near...
Biggs: [Exits the stall beside Sephiroth] Hey, bub. Move it or lose
it!
Sephiroth: ...Lose it? Very well... [Swipes at Biggs several times
with the Masamune]
Biggs: Hah! You missed, you big dumb.....ACK!!!
Tifa: Oh my GOODNESS!!!
Cid: How inhumane! That sick &%)(#@!!!
Biggs: You shredded my 1000 Gil shirt, you big CLOD!!
Sephiroth: Hey!? You were supposed to be cut to ribbons...drrr!! I
have to get my socks back!! My accuracy is off by..HUNDREDS!
Biggs: Yeah, whatEVER! Talk to the HAND girlfriend!
Sephiroth: Uh...right... [Backs away slowly, then runs away]
Barret: Les' follow 'im, foo's!

[ On floor 70.... ]

Rufus: ..and that is how my father created the toilet.
Reeve: Sir, your father did not create the toilet...
Rufus: He created the Mako-Powered toilet.
Reeve: Didn't that model make people sick..because it was filled
with MAKO!?
Rufus: God, I hate you...
Heidegger: Sir! I just got word that AVALANCHE and Sephiroth are
running around the building! Gya!
Rufus: Well, dispatch the Turks to handle it.
Heidegger: SIR! The Turks are in the field looking for Pooky-
Wookums, the stuffed Mako Bear!
Rufus: Curses! Well, take some SOLDIERS and handle it yourself.
Heidegger: Gya! Yes, sir! [Salutes..and departs]
Reeve: Maybe we should go to a more secure location.
Rufus: You're right. Pull the chopper around. We're going to Junon.
Tseng: [Hobbles in, looking all beat up] Urgh...the horror...
Reeve: Tseng? What happened man?
Tseng: ...The things I have seen....the horror...
Rufus: You said that already. New info please.
Tseng: I...flew ahead of the other Turks...found Pooky-Wookums...
Rufus: *GAZP* You found him!? Where is he!?
Tseng: ...In...the round pool...where water descends...high in the...
sky...urgh...
Rufus: Why must you choose your last moments of life to speak in
riddles? That just makes me so angry... [Pulls his shotgun and blows
Tseng away]
Reeve: Noooooooooooo!!!!
Rufus: Oh, stop it. Let's go.
Reeve: Okay.

[ In the lobby... ]

Red XIII: No, I don't have an appointment... Can I make one now?
Secretary: Of course, but you'll have to wait a while.
Red XIII: But this is an emergency!
Secretary: Don't make me take a rolled up newspaper to your tail, dog.
Red XIII: My dignity..PLEASE!?
Cloud: WOAAAHHH!!! [He, along with the rest of AVALANCHE descend
via
the glass elevators]
Cid: What the hell you screaming for, you big idiot!?
Cloud: I was pretending that I was flying!! Hee hee hee!
Cid: Okay, that does it. Here, hold these. [Hands Cloud a stack of
books]
Cloud: Okay! [Takes the books] What're these for?
Cid: Satisfaction. I've wanted to do this a long time now. [He then
proceeds to dump Clouds books before depanting him]
Cloud: Hey!! You big...bully!! *Sniff* I'm gonna tell my mudduh on you!
Cid: Heh...moron.
Cloud: Waaaaaahhh!! [Shuffles around, his pants at his ankles]
Red XIII: Hey! Guys! ..Uh..and Cloud!
Barret: It's Red thirteeeeen! And he gots our materia!
[The gang takes several minutes to equip their materia, and Cid smacks
Cloud around a few more times after the spikey-head fool insists on
using the HP-MP materia. Cid finally trashes it]
Barret: Okay! Les' move!
Cid: Damn straight! Time to kick some ass!
Cloud: Can someone help me put my pants back on?
Tifa: Hee hee... I'll do it!
Barret: No, I'll do it. [Yanks Clouds pants up, half the material going
up Clouds rear]
Cloud: YEEEEEOW!!!!!
Red XIII: Let's go!
Cid: Wait, where to?
Red XIII: Uhhhhh...the 70th floor! Hojo plans to take over, so he's
bound to pay Rufus a visit!
[The gang boards the elevator and goes up toward the 70th floor just
as Heidegger and a group of SOLDIERS descend in the other elevator]
Heidegger: GYA!? Follow them back up! Push 70!

[At that time, outside Lucrecia's cave...]

Reno: We made it. No sign of Tseng though.
Elena: Maybe he took his dreamy self somewhere else!
Reno: State the obvious, why don't you.
Rude: ...Especially the "dreamy" part.
Reno: .........
Elena: ........
Rude: .......
Reno: Right, so...the tracking thingy says that the bear is behind this
waterfall.
Elena: Are you sure?
Reno: Uh...no.
Elena: You have no idea how to read that thing, do you.
Reno: Uh...no.
Elena: Gimmie that! Hmmm, yup. He is behind here.
Rude: Let's go.
Vincent: Halt!
Turks: Duuuh? [They all look up at the cliffside above the waterfall]
Vincent: [Stands tall, his cape flowing in the breeze] You may go no
further, fouls ones!
Elena: Hey! I'm not foul! These two, however...
Reno: What!?
Rude: ...My feelings...
Vincent: Dance! [Begins firing at the Turk's feet]
Elena: Woah! Watch it!
Reno: I could dance a lot better without you shooting at my feet!
Rude: Channel your feelings...be at peace... Wah!
Vincent: Heh, heh, heh... You can dance if you want to..you can leave
your friends behind...

[ Back on floor 70... ]

Rufus: Is the Helicopter ready?
Reeve: Yes, sir.
Hojo: STOP!
Rufus: In the name of what?
Reeve: In the name of love! Hee hee!
Rufus: You're fired. Now, what is it, Hojo?
Hojo: Surrender your empire to me!
Rufus: Why?
Hojo: Because I have this MACHINE!
Rufus: So?
Hojo: It is the dreaded POTATO CHIP CRUMBLER!
Rufus: I don't even like potato chips.
Hojo: Fool! That's just it's CODE NAME! The machine really KILLS HAIR!
Rufus: You're pretty dumb for a scientist. Hair is already dead.
Hojo: Unnggh! NooooOoOooOOooOOoo!! I mean it kills HAIRSTYLES!
Rufus: Oh no! Well, the empire is yours. Let me just get the Key to
the executive washroom for you...
Barret: Hold it!
Cid: AVALANCHE is here to save the day!
Rufus: Hah! I wasn't going to give you that key anyway.
Hojo: Drat! Feel the wrath of my machine! [Turns the machine on Cloud]
Cloud: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! My hair! It's so delicate! How could you!?
Hojo: HWA HWA HWA HWA HWA!! Feel my folicle wrath!
Cid: Holy crap! His hair is STRAIGHT and long now! So plain...so dull..
Barret: Sheild your eyes, Tifa...
Tifa: Ohhh! Cloud!!!
Heidegger: There they are! Protect the President, men!
SOLDIER Captain: Aye-aye, General! Surround them, troops!
Red XIII: Could this have gone more wrong?
Sephiroth: [Appears and takes Reeve hostage] Hah!
Reeve: Wait! I don't even work here anymore!!
Sephiroth: My socks or his life, Hojo!
Hojo: Oh, like I care about him!
Reeve: NO! Really, I FEEL the LOVE! SHEESH!
Rufus: Someone call off my dinner date for tonight. It doesn't seem
I'll be able to make it.
Cid: Oh, shut up, fancy pants!
Heidegger: ATTACK!!!!
Rufus: ...I'll just be...outside...

[ Back at Lucrecia's Cave... ]

Lucrecia: The Turks...they are outside fighting Vincent, Master Pooky-
Wookums....
Pooky-Wookums: ..........
Lucrecia: No, I don't doubt your power.... I also feel a disturbance
in Midgar. Hojo, Sephiroth, and the others have gathered... The time
of absolution draws near....
Pooky-Wookums: ..........

[ Outside the cave... ]

Reno: Okay! Take him down, Rude!
Rude: ...How?
Reno: Use your STRENGTH!
Rude: But, he's way up high... I can't reach him...
Vincent: I am invincible!! [He loses his footing suddenly and falls
down to the ground at Rudes feet] Uh...
Rude: ........ [A smirk finds it's way to his face]
Reno: Heh, heh...kick his caped ass, Rude.
Vincent: Darn....


Narrator: Woah nelly! The end is upon us! AVALANCHE, Hojo, Sephiroth,
AND the Shinra Executives have finally gathered! All that's left is the
grand entrance of Pooky-Wookums and Lucrecia! But didn't
Pooky-Wookums
predict that they would come to him!? What surprises await our
heroes/bad guys!? And will Vincent survive his run-in with the Turks!?
Find out next time in the final chapter of.....

"What the #%$&^!?"

To be continued...



All Characters Copyright Squaresoft 1998 [except Ralph and Pooky!]