"What the #%$&^!?"
A Final Fnatasy VII Story
Written By: Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell
Part VII
[The scene opens outside Lucrecia's cave. Vincent is tied up, bloody and bruised. Rude is massaging his own knuckles as Reno and Elena look for a way behind the waterfall]
Reno: I think maybe if we run really fast, we can get through without even getting wet!
Elena: No, it won't matter how fast we run...
Reno: Oh, yeah you must be right. Well, who's gonna go first?
Rude: .....I took care of Vamperilla, so one of you should go first....
Vincent: I RESENT THAT! Vamperilla has much better breasts than I do.
Elena: Right, well, I guess that means you can go first, Reno.
Reno: Hey, sit on it, Elena! You go first!
Elena: Sit on what now?
Reno: SIT ON TSENG'S....
Rude: [Slaps a hand over Reno's mouth] ....Don't even say it.
[Meanwhile, inside Lucrecia's cave....]
Lucrecia: Things seem to be coming to a head, Master Pooky-Wookums. The time is nigh. USE YOUR MAGIC! UNLEASH THE POWER OF FRUIT JUICE! ...Wait, no. UNLEASH THE POWER OF MAKO!
[Suddenly, Pooky-Wookums, the Stuffed Mako Bear, started to glow a bright green. The light grew more and more intense until a massive explosion issued forth!]
Lucrecia: EYYYAAAAARGHH!!!!!
[Outside the cave...]
Reno: What's that bright light?
Elena: Uh...RUN FOR COVER!
Reno: Where!?
Elena: Uh...into the pool of water!
Rude: ...Damn, and I just had this suit pressed...
Reno: Forget it, Rude! [Dives in]
Elena: Yeah! Come on! [Dives in]
Rude: Well, it really costs a lot to get a suit pressed...I think I'll just hang out up here until....
Vincent: SOMEONE DRAG ME INTO THE POOL!? PLEASE!?? AACKK!!
[The light engulfed the area outside the cave and exploded outward, heading in the general direction of Midgar to the East]
[On the 70th floor balcony of the Shin-Ra Building...]
Rufus: Is my chopper ready?
Heidegger: Yes sir! The SOLDIERS are holding off Cloud and Sephiroth and the others! Now is the time to escape!
Rufus: Yes, yes. Most excellent. Well then, adieu.
Reeve: WAIT!! Sir, please! I managed to get away from Sephiroth in the fray! Rehire me and take me with you! I have some information about Pooky-Wookums!
Rufus: Oh do you? You're re-hired. Now tell me what you know.
Reeve: Well, while Sephiroth had me in his evil clutches...
Rufus: Please do not use cliches like that. Continue.
Reeve: ...uh..in his grasp. I heard him mumble something about the true power of Pooky-Wookums combined with the awesome lucky power of his socks, which Hojo apparently currently has!
Rufus: I see... This poses a problem. Heidegger, get one of your men to seize the lucky socks from Hojo's feet and have them brought to me immediately.
Heidegger: YESSIR! GYA HA HA! [Shuffles away to give the orders]
Reeve: Uh, maybe we should go, like, now, Mister President.
Rufus: Why do you say that in such an annoying tone?
Reeve: Annoying..? Dah..look, sir!
[Rufus turns to see a bright green light heading in the direction of Midgar. He simply stares at it]
Reeve: Uh....sir? Sir? Why do you always stare at dangerous things!? SIR!?
Rufus: ........ [Stare]
Reeve: DAMMIT!
[Iside the 70th floor office...]
Barret: RATTA-TATTA! RATTA-TATTA-TATTA! You gonna' die!
SOLIDER #4: Augh! You were right! I'm dead! [Fall]
Barret: YEAH! You next, Hojo!
Hojo: LIAR! I still have my machine! You won't dare!
Barret: Hah! I ain't got no hairdo, foo'! Yo' machina be useless against me, honky!
Hojo: CRAP IN A BUCKET! The only flaw in my plan which I never foresaw! Curse my lack of brilliance and my charming good looks!
Heidegger: [Rushes in and whispers to the SOLIDER Captain]
SOLIDER Captain: Yessir! We'll seize the socks immediately!
Sephiroth: I heard that! Not if I get to them first! RAAHH!!!
SOLDIER #2: Noooooo!!! [Lunges and grabs Sephiroth by the legs, making him fall]
Sephiroth: PATHETIC WORM! I'LL DICE YOU INTO BAIT! [SliceSliceSliceSliceSlice]
SOLDIER #2: [Looks around] Hey! You missed!
Sephiroth: #%$&^!!!!
Cid: Hey! That's my line! Enough of this! [Jumps into the air, but smashes his head on the ceiling] OW! Ugh.... [Fall...THUD]
Cloud: Cid! Nooooo!
Red XIII: Nevermind! I'll use a Phoenix Down on him! You and Tifa get the socks!
Tifa: Okay! Hey, Hojo!
Hojo: What!?
Tifa: Wouldn't you like to experiment....ON THESE!? [Lifts her shirt up]
Hojo: HOLY CRAP! You bet I would! Let me get my dissection kit!
Tifa: Uh...HELP!
Cloud: NEVER, HOJO! YOU WON'T HURT MY LOVE PILLOWS!
Tifa: Cloud! Everyone is listening!
Cloud: Oopsie-daisey...uh...
Cid: [Kicks Cloud in the ass] STUPID SHIT! Don't say that! Let's rush 'im!
Cloud: Okay! 1, 2, 3.....HUT! HUT!
[Cloud and Cid rush Hojo and tackle him, but unfortunately for them, the SOLIDER Captain takes the opportunity to snatch the socks off Hojo's feet and rushes them back to Heidegger]
Heidegger: Excellent! The President will be pleased! NOW KILL EVERYONE HERE! [Runs away]
SOLIDER Captain: YESSIR! Everyone...SHOOT TO KILL!!
Barret: Okay! [Starts shooting SOLDIERs dead]
SOLIDER Captain: D'oh! Not you! OUR GUYS! KILL THEM GUYS!
SOLDIER #1: We're trying, but it's like we're no match for them or something! I FEEL SO MUCH LIKE AN NPC!!!
Cid: You are, ass! [Spears him] Hahahaha! I love doing that!
Tifa: The socks are getting away!
Sephiroth: LET GO OF ME SO I CAN GET MY SOCKS! I PAID LIKE 2000 GIL FOR THOSE THINGS! I EVEN HAVE THE RECEIPT! THEY ARE SO MINE!
SOLDIER #2: I'm not letting go of you tonight!
Hojo: My plan is foiled! But you'll not have me! DISAPPEAR! [And in a puff of smoke, Hojo was gone]
Cloud: Hey! Look, the sun is rising.
Cid: The sun ain't green, gay-wad. That's....uh...something bad, I think.
[Everyone stops to look out the window as the green light draws ever closer. Meanwhile, back outside on the balcony, several MP' are loading Rufus onto the chopper...]
Reeve: Sheesh...he's still just staring. Oh well, at least we got him on the chopper...
Heidegger: Hurry! I have the socks! MOVE MOVE MOVE!
Reeve: Okay! Okay! Don't be so pushy! You stinky man.
Heidegger: Shut up! [Grabs Reeve and throws him inside the chopper before climbing in]
Reeve: GO PILOT! GET US OUT OF HERE!
[The chopper takes off just as the green light slams into the top of the Shin-Ra Building, the light explodes again upon hitting the building and manages to engulf the fleeing helicopter as well. As soon as the light fades, everyone on the 70th floor is gone, including the chopper]
[Back at Lucrecia's cave...]
[The light dims down and finally disappears. Rude, Vincent (still tied up), Cloud and the gang, Sephiroth, the two still living SOLDIERS and Rufus and his entire chopper are all inside the cave now. Pooky-Wookums slowly goes back to his normal brownish color and Lucrecia uncovers her eyes]
Lucrecia: Woooaahh...that was pretty nifty.
Cloud: OMIGAWD! Where are we!? I'm so scared! Hold me, Cid!
Cid: You even TOUCH me and I'll rip your arm off and beat you with it, I SWEAR!
Barret: Uh...this looks like that ladies place. Y'know, Vincent's ho's house.
Vincent: Hey! She's no ho'! SOMEONE UNTIE ME!
Rude: I don't think that's gonna happen, Chief...
Reeve: [Stepping out of the chopper as it lands] Uh...how'd we get here?
Rufus: [Following behind Reeve] It's obviously the work of Pooky-Wookums. How dense are you?
Reeve: What? But...I...ugh...pretty dense, sir.
Rufus: No duh. Well, Pooky-Wookums. We meet again for the first time at last for the second time since the first.
Pooky-Wookums: .............
Rufus: So you play coy, do you? Why have you brought us here?
Lucrecia: SILENCE! Do not speak to Master Pooky-Wookums!
Rufus: How DARE you silence me. I'll shoot your eyes out for that one, I guarantee.
Cid: All of ya' shut the hell up! We're takin' the damn bear, the socks and Vincent and we're leaving! Capice!?
Rufus: Oh, well, you sure did tell us. Unfortunately for you, I have yet to play my trump card. You see, I have the socks already and I have your friend Mister Santa Valentine. All I need is my Pooky-Wookums back and you will all tremble before me and my unlimited power.
Cloud: Duh...?
Sephiroth: No! You WRETCH! That power is meant to be mine! You cannot possess it! I WILL NOT LET YOU! ....IF THIS FRIGGEN SOLDIER WILL EVER LET ME GO!!!
SOLIDER #2: Never!
Cid: Damn! Well, uh...WE CAN STILL TAKE THE BEAR! [Rushes over and grabs Pooky-Wookums]
Lucrecia: NO! NO! AAACCKK!! Give him back! He's my friend!
Rufus: He's MY best friend!
Cid: No one move or I'll cut the bears head off!
?????: I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Cid: Huh!? Who's that!?
Cloud: ...Familiar voice...
[A shadowy figure emerges from an upper ledge inside the cave]
?????: You IDIOTS!! I've been trying to do the world a FAVOR by ASSASSINATING Rufus and you run the damn bear all over the place instead of leaving it with him as I planned! Now all of you will have to die in order for me to complete my goal! Nn!
Tifa: Who are you!? What does the bear have to do with assassinating Rufus!?
Rufus: Yes, please do expand on that topic.
?????: The Mako-Bear is implanted with a complex and very powerful MAKO-BOMB along with some other very EXPENSIVE electronics, like the experimental MAKO-POWERED teleportation device which brought you all here!
Cloud: Experimental!? What if something had gone wrong!?
?????" You'd all be genderless drones made out of cardboard. Either that or your bodies would've exploded. But hey, it WORKED!
Rufus: This is all very bad. We should be going now, Heidegger.
Heidegger: YESSIR! Back on the chopper!
?????: NOT SO FAST! You may have avoided death so far, but now you will PERISH! In my hand I hold the detonation device for the bomb inside Pooky-Wookums! You're all about to DIE!
Barret: WAIT! If you detonate da shi' now, you gonna be dyin' right 'long with us, foo'!
?????: What!? AW CRAP! You're right. Look here, I'm just gonna go outside THEN detonate it. The thick walls of this mountain should contain the explosion AND make recovery of your bodies totally imossible! GOOD DEAL! Now if you'll excuse me....
[And the shadow disappeared into the darkness above]
Sephiroth: YOU FOOLS! If you'd all just surrendered to ME like I initially ORDERED you to we'd not be in this mess! I hope you're all happy...
Reeve: Wait, Sephiroth! If Pooky-Wookums is just a BOMB and electronic teleportation device, why'd you say he had magical powers!?
Lucrecia: ....Because he DOES. Whoever that goober was on the ledge is apparently oblivious to Master Pooky-Wookums power and mistook him for a normal Mako-Bear of Rufus'.
Rufus: Well, he IS mine. I've had him since I was five.
Lucrecia: No, Rufus. You've been deceived. Master Pooky-Wookums is an incarnate of the Ancients. He was somehow mis-implanted in the body of a toy Mako-Bear instead of his human counterpart. The truth is....Heidegger washed your real Mako-Bear because he said it smelled like poop...
Rufus: Well, I was five. Sometimes accidents happen...
Lucrecia: ...uh..anyway, Heidegger washed your Mako-Bear, ruining it. He then bought this Mako-Bear, who happened to carry the soul of an Ancient, to replace it. In this state, Master Pooky-Wookums can only speak to those of us who have become in tune with the Planet.
Rufus: Heidegger, you are FIRED. I'll KILL you later.
Heidegger: .....Gya....
Cid: Forget that! Looks like we're all about to be killed anyway! We've been sitting here TALKING while the weirdo is going outside to blow us up! WE SHOULD BE GOING NOW, MORONS!
Barret: Damn! You right! Everyone make fo' the exit! Single file!
Sephiroth: It's no use. Look.
[The exit of the cave has a large, iron gate over it]
Cloud: Oh no! He trapped us! We're DOOMED!
Cid: *SniffSniff* Cloud...did you just crap your pants!?
Cloud: Uh....no. [The butt of Clouds pants are all lumpy now]
Barret: UGH! We gotta suffer with this shi' now 'til we die!
Red XIII: My heightened sense of smell is not good at this point. I'm woozy...ungh... *Thud*
Cid: Well, great. You just killed Red XIII. Nice going, Cloud!
[Meanwhile, outside the cave, Reno and Elena have pulled themselves out of the water...]
Reno: So what happened to Rude and Vincent? They were right here when that light hit them.
Elena: I hear voices inside the cave. I bet they ended up in there!
Reno: Let's go get 'em! [Reno charges into the waterfall, but slams into the iron gate on the other side] Oof! My skull is bleeding!
Elena: Now what do we do?
Reno: Thanks for your concern over my concussion! Ow...
Elena: I got an idea! We left our buggy parked outside Nibelheim...Reno, go get it!
[Back inside the cave...]
Sephiroth: It's no use. Without my socks, and the addition of this CRUMPET hanging onto my leg...
SOLDIER #2: I'll never let go!
Sephiroth: ...I can't work this gate open. It's hopeless. I suppose we may as well resign ourselves to this fate.
Tifa: Well, Cloud already has....
[Cloud is over in the corner, sucking his thumb and reciting nursery rhymes to himself]
Rufus: I can still delight in taking care of you, Heidegger.
Heidegger: Sir! Please! It was an accident! You never even knew the difference!
Rufus: Like it matters. You killed the real Pooky-Wookums! YOU DIE! [Rufus raises his shotgun and shoots Heidegger in the chest]
Heidegger: Ugh! My heart! *THUD*
Reeve: Sir, do you hear that?
Rufus: Hmm, sounds like a Shin-Ra Buggy...
Reno: Hi! We'll have you guys outta here soon!
Reeve: Ah! Reno! Hurry! There's a guy about to blow us up!
Reno: No shit!? We'll work fast then! [Reno has tied a cable to the iron gate] GUN IT, ELENA! [He then disappears on the other side of the waterfall as the engine of the buggy can be heard]
Cid: Shit! Hope this works!
[Moments later, the gate flies off the hinges and into the waterfall. Then a lasso appears and falls around Rufus, Reeve, Heideggers body and Rude. Outside, Reno is in the back of the buggy with a white cowboy hat on, holding the other end of the rope lasso in his hands]
Reno: Yehaw! I got 'em! Gun it, Cowgirl Elena!
Elena: Ch'....weirdo. You look stupid in that hat, too.
Reno: Aw, shut up and go!
[Elena takes off, dragging Rude, Rufus, Reeve and Heideggers body along behing them]
Rufus: THIS IS NOT THE PROPER WAY TO TRANSPORT THE PRESIDENT! OW!
Reeve: AUGH! THERE'S DIRT IN MY FACE! OOF!
Rude: .....................Weeee!
[They disappear in the distance, a trail of dust left in their wake]
Cid: Come on! We need to get outta here too! EVERYONE OUT!
Tifa: ME FIRST! ME FIRST!
Barret: Yeah! [Picks up Red XIII and runs out]
Cloud: Wait for me! [Hobbles out last, the back of his pants sloshing back and forth]
Sephiroth: LET GO OF ME!
SOLDIER #2: NO! We must go! [He is dragging Sephiroth out by his leg] I'll save you!
Sephiroth: LEAVE ME BE! I'd rather die! This is so humiliating...
Lucrecia: I'm sorry, Master Pooky-Wookums. Nothing can be done. We tried... now rest in peices...I mean Peace..hee hee...
[Lucrecia then disappears in a shine of white light...]
Vincent: Uh...fella's? YOU GUYS ALL LEFT ME HERE! I'm still tied up...I CAN'T MOVe! HELP! HELP!
[On the other side of the mountain...]
?????: Hahahaha! NOW DIE, RUFUS! DIE!
[The shady figure pushes the button and Pooky-Wookums, the Stuffed Mako-Bear, explodes, causing Lucrecias cave to collapse in on itself...]
?????: Gee, I sure hope he didn't escape, considering it took me like half an hour to put myself in this safe location. Oh well, I did my part for the Planet anyway. Yay! Now back to Costa Del Sol...
[Just then, Elena and the gang drive up in the buggy. Rufus and the others are now seated in the buggy]
Rufus: Stop the buggy. That's the man from the cave there. Arrest him!
?????: Ugh! Why me!? I just wanted to help!? WHY DO I ALWAYS MESS UP! [Falls on the ground, holding his head] Wahhh!!
Reno: What a crybaby. Cuff 'im, Rude.
Rude: You have no rights. Anything you don't say could get you killed. If you struggle, I'll break anything I can get ahold of. If you cry, I reserve the right to kick you in the balls...
?????: Everyone misunderstands me! Wah! Wah! Lemme go!
Elena: Hey, isn't this the guy we busted on several occasions for illegal drug use and interfering in official Turk Business?
Reno: Yeah! As I recall, he fled Midgar just before we dropped the Sector 7 Plate! Lucky bastard up 'til now!
Johnny: Yeah! Real lucky! I suffer all my life, then I try to settle down and my girl leaves me, so naturally I have to KILL her...then I decide to help the AVALANCHE cuz they just couldn't seem to leave me alone...and when I do, I still mess up and almost kill them...THEN YOU GUYS FIND ME!! I HATE YOU!
Rude: ....Thanks for confessing to Murder there....
Johnny: ...DAMMIT!
Rufus: Load this felon up and take me back to Headquarters. I need a shower and fresh change of clothes. I'm filthy.
Elena: Yessir!
Reeve: Can I give you the sponge bath this time, sir?
Rufus: No, Palmer is signed up for that this week. You're next week, remember?
Reeve: Oh, right. Sure.
[And they drove off into the sunset.]
[Back at Rocket Town, AVALANCHE is celebrating their survival...]
Barret: Well, we came outta' a mess again! Cheers to us!
Tifa: Yup! But I wonder what happened to the lucky socks?
Cid: Shit, they're gone, Tifa. I saw Rufus drop them when he was lassoed and dragged outta the cave. They buried along with Pooky-Wookums...what's left of 'im.
Cloud: Ahh, fresh pants. But you know, I feel like we forgot something somewhere...
Red XIII: Hmm, I've had that feeling as well, now that I'm concious again...
Cloud: Uh...hee hee...sorry...
Barret: Well, Yuffie didn't strike again. We still gots all our Materios. Rufus and them got away, but I dunno what we coulda possibly forgot.
Cloud: You're probably right. Maybe it's just that I left my car keys...
Cid: Y'ain't got a car, asspipe.
Cloud: There's that one I MADE, Cid.
Cid: It's cardboard, Cloud. Just shut the #%$&^ up!
[Down in the depths of the crater...]
Sephiroth: Wahhhhhh!!! I LOST MY SOCKS! I LOST THE BEAR! I LOST IT ALL!! ...BUT I CAN'T LOSE THIS SOLDIER!! GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF!
SOLDIER #2: I can't! I gotta hold you! ORDERS ARE ORDERS!
Sephiroth: Ooo..just you wait. My luck may be like 0%, but after I sit here and absorb some of the Lifestream, it'll raise...THEN YOU'LL DIE!
SOLDIER #2: I won't let go! Even if you threaten me!
Sephiroth: ...Can you at least loosen your grip? I can't feel my leg...
SOLDIER #2: NO! NO! NO!
Sephiroth: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, SHIN-RA! AND CLOUD AND HIS FRIENDS, TOO! I'LL GET YOU ALL!!!!!
[Finally, in the ruined debris of Lucrecia's cave...]
Vincent: ...Ugh...I survived..but..I can't get out. Damn! How could they forget me!? I was on BOTH sides and NO ONE remembered me! If I ever get outta here, I'm gonna join Sephiroth! He has that awesome benefits package, too... I read it in his pamphlet. Hmm...hey, what's that? Looks like a pair of socks. They're in great condition too. I know! When I get out, I'll send them to Sephiroth as a gift! That way he'll be more likely to accept me! And look! They even have an "S" already embroidered on them! Sephiroth was looking for some socks anyway, as I recall. I'm sure to get in good with him now! ....Uh...better start digging my way out... I'll move one stone per week. Yeah, that seems managable. So...one....
Narrator: And so ends the story of "What the #%$&^!?" Thank you for reading this story! We'll see you next time for more adventures from Cloud and the gang! Until next time, keep your head held high and your feet on the ground! And always keep track of your socks. That's very important. Like brushing your teeth or avoiding wandering around heavy machinery with your genitals hanging out. Oh, it's time for my medicine. So long!
The End
All characters Copyright Squaresoft 1997
Written by: R. Keith Sewell
A Final Fnatasy VII Story
Written By: Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell
Part VII
[The scene opens outside Lucrecia's cave. Vincent is tied up, bloody and bruised. Rude is massaging his own knuckles as Reno and Elena look for a way behind the waterfall]
Reno: I think maybe if we run really fast, we can get through without even getting wet!
Elena: No, it won't matter how fast we run...
Reno: Oh, yeah you must be right. Well, who's gonna go first?
Rude: .....I took care of Vamperilla, so one of you should go first....
Vincent: I RESENT THAT! Vamperilla has much better breasts than I do.
Elena: Right, well, I guess that means you can go first, Reno.
Reno: Hey, sit on it, Elena! You go first!
Elena: Sit on what now?
Reno: SIT ON TSENG'S....
Rude: [Slaps a hand over Reno's mouth] ....Don't even say it.
[Meanwhile, inside Lucrecia's cave....]
Lucrecia: Things seem to be coming to a head, Master Pooky-Wookums. The time is nigh. USE YOUR MAGIC! UNLEASH THE POWER OF FRUIT JUICE! ...Wait, no. UNLEASH THE POWER OF MAKO!
[Suddenly, Pooky-Wookums, the Stuffed Mako Bear, started to glow a bright green. The light grew more and more intense until a massive explosion issued forth!]
Lucrecia: EYYYAAAAARGHH!!!!!
[Outside the cave...]
Reno: What's that bright light?
Elena: Uh...RUN FOR COVER!
Reno: Where!?
Elena: Uh...into the pool of water!
Rude: ...Damn, and I just had this suit pressed...
Reno: Forget it, Rude! [Dives in]
Elena: Yeah! Come on! [Dives in]
Rude: Well, it really costs a lot to get a suit pressed...I think I'll just hang out up here until....
Vincent: SOMEONE DRAG ME INTO THE POOL!? PLEASE!?? AACKK!!
[The light engulfed the area outside the cave and exploded outward, heading in the general direction of Midgar to the East]
[On the 70th floor balcony of the Shin-Ra Building...]
Rufus: Is my chopper ready?
Heidegger: Yes sir! The SOLDIERS are holding off Cloud and Sephiroth and the others! Now is the time to escape!
Rufus: Yes, yes. Most excellent. Well then, adieu.
Reeve: WAIT!! Sir, please! I managed to get away from Sephiroth in the fray! Rehire me and take me with you! I have some information about Pooky-Wookums!
Rufus: Oh do you? You're re-hired. Now tell me what you know.
Reeve: Well, while Sephiroth had me in his evil clutches...
Rufus: Please do not use cliches like that. Continue.
Reeve: ...uh..in his grasp. I heard him mumble something about the true power of Pooky-Wookums combined with the awesome lucky power of his socks, which Hojo apparently currently has!
Rufus: I see... This poses a problem. Heidegger, get one of your men to seize the lucky socks from Hojo's feet and have them brought to me immediately.
Heidegger: YESSIR! GYA HA HA! [Shuffles away to give the orders]
Reeve: Uh, maybe we should go, like, now, Mister President.
Rufus: Why do you say that in such an annoying tone?
Reeve: Annoying..? Dah..look, sir!
[Rufus turns to see a bright green light heading in the direction of Midgar. He simply stares at it]
Reeve: Uh....sir? Sir? Why do you always stare at dangerous things!? SIR!?
Rufus: ........ [Stare]
Reeve: DAMMIT!
[Iside the 70th floor office...]
Barret: RATTA-TATTA! RATTA-TATTA-TATTA! You gonna' die!
SOLIDER #4: Augh! You were right! I'm dead! [Fall]
Barret: YEAH! You next, Hojo!
Hojo: LIAR! I still have my machine! You won't dare!
Barret: Hah! I ain't got no hairdo, foo'! Yo' machina be useless against me, honky!
Hojo: CRAP IN A BUCKET! The only flaw in my plan which I never foresaw! Curse my lack of brilliance and my charming good looks!
Heidegger: [Rushes in and whispers to the SOLIDER Captain]
SOLIDER Captain: Yessir! We'll seize the socks immediately!
Sephiroth: I heard that! Not if I get to them first! RAAHH!!!
SOLDIER #2: Noooooo!!! [Lunges and grabs Sephiroth by the legs, making him fall]
Sephiroth: PATHETIC WORM! I'LL DICE YOU INTO BAIT! [SliceSliceSliceSliceSlice]
SOLDIER #2: [Looks around] Hey! You missed!
Sephiroth: #%$&^!!!!
Cid: Hey! That's my line! Enough of this! [Jumps into the air, but smashes his head on the ceiling] OW! Ugh.... [Fall...THUD]
Cloud: Cid! Nooooo!
Red XIII: Nevermind! I'll use a Phoenix Down on him! You and Tifa get the socks!
Tifa: Okay! Hey, Hojo!
Hojo: What!?
Tifa: Wouldn't you like to experiment....ON THESE!? [Lifts her shirt up]
Hojo: HOLY CRAP! You bet I would! Let me get my dissection kit!
Tifa: Uh...HELP!
Cloud: NEVER, HOJO! YOU WON'T HURT MY LOVE PILLOWS!
Tifa: Cloud! Everyone is listening!
Cloud: Oopsie-daisey...uh...
Cid: [Kicks Cloud in the ass] STUPID SHIT! Don't say that! Let's rush 'im!
Cloud: Okay! 1, 2, 3.....HUT! HUT!
[Cloud and Cid rush Hojo and tackle him, but unfortunately for them, the SOLIDER Captain takes the opportunity to snatch the socks off Hojo's feet and rushes them back to Heidegger]
Heidegger: Excellent! The President will be pleased! NOW KILL EVERYONE HERE! [Runs away]
SOLIDER Captain: YESSIR! Everyone...SHOOT TO KILL!!
Barret: Okay! [Starts shooting SOLDIERs dead]
SOLIDER Captain: D'oh! Not you! OUR GUYS! KILL THEM GUYS!
SOLDIER #1: We're trying, but it's like we're no match for them or something! I FEEL SO MUCH LIKE AN NPC!!!
Cid: You are, ass! [Spears him] Hahahaha! I love doing that!
Tifa: The socks are getting away!
Sephiroth: LET GO OF ME SO I CAN GET MY SOCKS! I PAID LIKE 2000 GIL FOR THOSE THINGS! I EVEN HAVE THE RECEIPT! THEY ARE SO MINE!
SOLDIER #2: I'm not letting go of you tonight!
Hojo: My plan is foiled! But you'll not have me! DISAPPEAR! [And in a puff of smoke, Hojo was gone]
Cloud: Hey! Look, the sun is rising.
Cid: The sun ain't green, gay-wad. That's....uh...something bad, I think.
[Everyone stops to look out the window as the green light draws ever closer. Meanwhile, back outside on the balcony, several MP' are loading Rufus onto the chopper...]
Reeve: Sheesh...he's still just staring. Oh well, at least we got him on the chopper...
Heidegger: Hurry! I have the socks! MOVE MOVE MOVE!
Reeve: Okay! Okay! Don't be so pushy! You stinky man.
Heidegger: Shut up! [Grabs Reeve and throws him inside the chopper before climbing in]
Reeve: GO PILOT! GET US OUT OF HERE!
[The chopper takes off just as the green light slams into the top of the Shin-Ra Building, the light explodes again upon hitting the building and manages to engulf the fleeing helicopter as well. As soon as the light fades, everyone on the 70th floor is gone, including the chopper]
[Back at Lucrecia's cave...]
[The light dims down and finally disappears. Rude, Vincent (still tied up), Cloud and the gang, Sephiroth, the two still living SOLDIERS and Rufus and his entire chopper are all inside the cave now. Pooky-Wookums slowly goes back to his normal brownish color and Lucrecia uncovers her eyes]
Lucrecia: Woooaahh...that was pretty nifty.
Cloud: OMIGAWD! Where are we!? I'm so scared! Hold me, Cid!
Cid: You even TOUCH me and I'll rip your arm off and beat you with it, I SWEAR!
Barret: Uh...this looks like that ladies place. Y'know, Vincent's ho's house.
Vincent: Hey! She's no ho'! SOMEONE UNTIE ME!
Rude: I don't think that's gonna happen, Chief...
Reeve: [Stepping out of the chopper as it lands] Uh...how'd we get here?
Rufus: [Following behind Reeve] It's obviously the work of Pooky-Wookums. How dense are you?
Reeve: What? But...I...ugh...pretty dense, sir.
Rufus: No duh. Well, Pooky-Wookums. We meet again for the first time at last for the second time since the first.
Pooky-Wookums: .............
Rufus: So you play coy, do you? Why have you brought us here?
Lucrecia: SILENCE! Do not speak to Master Pooky-Wookums!
Rufus: How DARE you silence me. I'll shoot your eyes out for that one, I guarantee.
Cid: All of ya' shut the hell up! We're takin' the damn bear, the socks and Vincent and we're leaving! Capice!?
Rufus: Oh, well, you sure did tell us. Unfortunately for you, I have yet to play my trump card. You see, I have the socks already and I have your friend Mister Santa Valentine. All I need is my Pooky-Wookums back and you will all tremble before me and my unlimited power.
Cloud: Duh...?
Sephiroth: No! You WRETCH! That power is meant to be mine! You cannot possess it! I WILL NOT LET YOU! ....IF THIS FRIGGEN SOLDIER WILL EVER LET ME GO!!!
SOLIDER #2: Never!
Cid: Damn! Well, uh...WE CAN STILL TAKE THE BEAR! [Rushes over and grabs Pooky-Wookums]
Lucrecia: NO! NO! AAACCKK!! Give him back! He's my friend!
Rufus: He's MY best friend!
Cid: No one move or I'll cut the bears head off!
?????: I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Cid: Huh!? Who's that!?
Cloud: ...Familiar voice...
[A shadowy figure emerges from an upper ledge inside the cave]
?????: You IDIOTS!! I've been trying to do the world a FAVOR by ASSASSINATING Rufus and you run the damn bear all over the place instead of leaving it with him as I planned! Now all of you will have to die in order for me to complete my goal! Nn!
Tifa: Who are you!? What does the bear have to do with assassinating Rufus!?
Rufus: Yes, please do expand on that topic.
?????: The Mako-Bear is implanted with a complex and very powerful MAKO-BOMB along with some other very EXPENSIVE electronics, like the experimental MAKO-POWERED teleportation device which brought you all here!
Cloud: Experimental!? What if something had gone wrong!?
?????" You'd all be genderless drones made out of cardboard. Either that or your bodies would've exploded. But hey, it WORKED!
Rufus: This is all very bad. We should be going now, Heidegger.
Heidegger: YESSIR! Back on the chopper!
?????: NOT SO FAST! You may have avoided death so far, but now you will PERISH! In my hand I hold the detonation device for the bomb inside Pooky-Wookums! You're all about to DIE!
Barret: WAIT! If you detonate da shi' now, you gonna be dyin' right 'long with us, foo'!
?????: What!? AW CRAP! You're right. Look here, I'm just gonna go outside THEN detonate it. The thick walls of this mountain should contain the explosion AND make recovery of your bodies totally imossible! GOOD DEAL! Now if you'll excuse me....
[And the shadow disappeared into the darkness above]
Sephiroth: YOU FOOLS! If you'd all just surrendered to ME like I initially ORDERED you to we'd not be in this mess! I hope you're all happy...
Reeve: Wait, Sephiroth! If Pooky-Wookums is just a BOMB and electronic teleportation device, why'd you say he had magical powers!?
Lucrecia: ....Because he DOES. Whoever that goober was on the ledge is apparently oblivious to Master Pooky-Wookums power and mistook him for a normal Mako-Bear of Rufus'.
Rufus: Well, he IS mine. I've had him since I was five.
Lucrecia: No, Rufus. You've been deceived. Master Pooky-Wookums is an incarnate of the Ancients. He was somehow mis-implanted in the body of a toy Mako-Bear instead of his human counterpart. The truth is....Heidegger washed your real Mako-Bear because he said it smelled like poop...
Rufus: Well, I was five. Sometimes accidents happen...
Lucrecia: ...uh..anyway, Heidegger washed your Mako-Bear, ruining it. He then bought this Mako-Bear, who happened to carry the soul of an Ancient, to replace it. In this state, Master Pooky-Wookums can only speak to those of us who have become in tune with the Planet.
Rufus: Heidegger, you are FIRED. I'll KILL you later.
Heidegger: .....Gya....
Cid: Forget that! Looks like we're all about to be killed anyway! We've been sitting here TALKING while the weirdo is going outside to blow us up! WE SHOULD BE GOING NOW, MORONS!
Barret: Damn! You right! Everyone make fo' the exit! Single file!
Sephiroth: It's no use. Look.
[The exit of the cave has a large, iron gate over it]
Cloud: Oh no! He trapped us! We're DOOMED!
Cid: *SniffSniff* Cloud...did you just crap your pants!?
Cloud: Uh....no. [The butt of Clouds pants are all lumpy now]
Barret: UGH! We gotta suffer with this shi' now 'til we die!
Red XIII: My heightened sense of smell is not good at this point. I'm woozy...ungh... *Thud*
Cid: Well, great. You just killed Red XIII. Nice going, Cloud!
[Meanwhile, outside the cave, Reno and Elena have pulled themselves out of the water...]
Reno: So what happened to Rude and Vincent? They were right here when that light hit them.
Elena: I hear voices inside the cave. I bet they ended up in there!
Reno: Let's go get 'em! [Reno charges into the waterfall, but slams into the iron gate on the other side] Oof! My skull is bleeding!
Elena: Now what do we do?
Reno: Thanks for your concern over my concussion! Ow...
Elena: I got an idea! We left our buggy parked outside Nibelheim...Reno, go get it!
[Back inside the cave...]
Sephiroth: It's no use. Without my socks, and the addition of this CRUMPET hanging onto my leg...
SOLDIER #2: I'll never let go!
Sephiroth: ...I can't work this gate open. It's hopeless. I suppose we may as well resign ourselves to this fate.
Tifa: Well, Cloud already has....
[Cloud is over in the corner, sucking his thumb and reciting nursery rhymes to himself]
Rufus: I can still delight in taking care of you, Heidegger.
Heidegger: Sir! Please! It was an accident! You never even knew the difference!
Rufus: Like it matters. You killed the real Pooky-Wookums! YOU DIE! [Rufus raises his shotgun and shoots Heidegger in the chest]
Heidegger: Ugh! My heart! *THUD*
Reeve: Sir, do you hear that?
Rufus: Hmm, sounds like a Shin-Ra Buggy...
Reno: Hi! We'll have you guys outta here soon!
Reeve: Ah! Reno! Hurry! There's a guy about to blow us up!
Reno: No shit!? We'll work fast then! [Reno has tied a cable to the iron gate] GUN IT, ELENA! [He then disappears on the other side of the waterfall as the engine of the buggy can be heard]
Cid: Shit! Hope this works!
[Moments later, the gate flies off the hinges and into the waterfall. Then a lasso appears and falls around Rufus, Reeve, Heideggers body and Rude. Outside, Reno is in the back of the buggy with a white cowboy hat on, holding the other end of the rope lasso in his hands]
Reno: Yehaw! I got 'em! Gun it, Cowgirl Elena!
Elena: Ch'....weirdo. You look stupid in that hat, too.
Reno: Aw, shut up and go!
[Elena takes off, dragging Rude, Rufus, Reeve and Heideggers body along behing them]
Rufus: THIS IS NOT THE PROPER WAY TO TRANSPORT THE PRESIDENT! OW!
Reeve: AUGH! THERE'S DIRT IN MY FACE! OOF!
Rude: .....................Weeee!
[They disappear in the distance, a trail of dust left in their wake]
Cid: Come on! We need to get outta here too! EVERYONE OUT!
Tifa: ME FIRST! ME FIRST!
Barret: Yeah! [Picks up Red XIII and runs out]
Cloud: Wait for me! [Hobbles out last, the back of his pants sloshing back and forth]
Sephiroth: LET GO OF ME!
SOLDIER #2: NO! We must go! [He is dragging Sephiroth out by his leg] I'll save you!
Sephiroth: LEAVE ME BE! I'd rather die! This is so humiliating...
Lucrecia: I'm sorry, Master Pooky-Wookums. Nothing can be done. We tried... now rest in peices...I mean Peace..hee hee...
[Lucrecia then disappears in a shine of white light...]
Vincent: Uh...fella's? YOU GUYS ALL LEFT ME HERE! I'm still tied up...I CAN'T MOVe! HELP! HELP!
[On the other side of the mountain...]
?????: Hahahaha! NOW DIE, RUFUS! DIE!
[The shady figure pushes the button and Pooky-Wookums, the Stuffed Mako-Bear, explodes, causing Lucrecias cave to collapse in on itself...]
?????: Gee, I sure hope he didn't escape, considering it took me like half an hour to put myself in this safe location. Oh well, I did my part for the Planet anyway. Yay! Now back to Costa Del Sol...
[Just then, Elena and the gang drive up in the buggy. Rufus and the others are now seated in the buggy]
Rufus: Stop the buggy. That's the man from the cave there. Arrest him!
?????: Ugh! Why me!? I just wanted to help!? WHY DO I ALWAYS MESS UP! [Falls on the ground, holding his head] Wahhh!!
Reno: What a crybaby. Cuff 'im, Rude.
Rude: You have no rights. Anything you don't say could get you killed. If you struggle, I'll break anything I can get ahold of. If you cry, I reserve the right to kick you in the balls...
?????: Everyone misunderstands me! Wah! Wah! Lemme go!
Elena: Hey, isn't this the guy we busted on several occasions for illegal drug use and interfering in official Turk Business?
Reno: Yeah! As I recall, he fled Midgar just before we dropped the Sector 7 Plate! Lucky bastard up 'til now!
Johnny: Yeah! Real lucky! I suffer all my life, then I try to settle down and my girl leaves me, so naturally I have to KILL her...then I decide to help the AVALANCHE cuz they just couldn't seem to leave me alone...and when I do, I still mess up and almost kill them...THEN YOU GUYS FIND ME!! I HATE YOU!
Rude: ....Thanks for confessing to Murder there....
Johnny: ...DAMMIT!
Rufus: Load this felon up and take me back to Headquarters. I need a shower and fresh change of clothes. I'm filthy.
Elena: Yessir!
Reeve: Can I give you the sponge bath this time, sir?
Rufus: No, Palmer is signed up for that this week. You're next week, remember?
Reeve: Oh, right. Sure.
[And they drove off into the sunset.]
[Back at Rocket Town, AVALANCHE is celebrating their survival...]
Barret: Well, we came outta' a mess again! Cheers to us!
Tifa: Yup! But I wonder what happened to the lucky socks?
Cid: Shit, they're gone, Tifa. I saw Rufus drop them when he was lassoed and dragged outta the cave. They buried along with Pooky-Wookums...what's left of 'im.
Cloud: Ahh, fresh pants. But you know, I feel like we forgot something somewhere...
Red XIII: Hmm, I've had that feeling as well, now that I'm concious again...
Cloud: Uh...hee hee...sorry...
Barret: Well, Yuffie didn't strike again. We still gots all our Materios. Rufus and them got away, but I dunno what we coulda possibly forgot.
Cloud: You're probably right. Maybe it's just that I left my car keys...
Cid: Y'ain't got a car, asspipe.
Cloud: There's that one I MADE, Cid.
Cid: It's cardboard, Cloud. Just shut the #%$&^ up!
[Down in the depths of the crater...]
Sephiroth: Wahhhhhh!!! I LOST MY SOCKS! I LOST THE BEAR! I LOST IT ALL!! ...BUT I CAN'T LOSE THIS SOLDIER!! GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF!
SOLDIER #2: I can't! I gotta hold you! ORDERS ARE ORDERS!
Sephiroth: Ooo..just you wait. My luck may be like 0%, but after I sit here and absorb some of the Lifestream, it'll raise...THEN YOU'LL DIE!
SOLDIER #2: I won't let go! Even if you threaten me!
Sephiroth: ...Can you at least loosen your grip? I can't feel my leg...
SOLDIER #2: NO! NO! NO!
Sephiroth: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, SHIN-RA! AND CLOUD AND HIS FRIENDS, TOO! I'LL GET YOU ALL!!!!!
[Finally, in the ruined debris of Lucrecia's cave...]
Vincent: ...Ugh...I survived..but..I can't get out. Damn! How could they forget me!? I was on BOTH sides and NO ONE remembered me! If I ever get outta here, I'm gonna join Sephiroth! He has that awesome benefits package, too... I read it in his pamphlet. Hmm...hey, what's that? Looks like a pair of socks. They're in great condition too. I know! When I get out, I'll send them to Sephiroth as a gift! That way he'll be more likely to accept me! And look! They even have an "S" already embroidered on them! Sephiroth was looking for some socks anyway, as I recall. I'm sure to get in good with him now! ....Uh...better start digging my way out... I'll move one stone per week. Yeah, that seems managable. So...one....
Narrator: And so ends the story of "What the #%$&^!?" Thank you for reading this story! We'll see you next time for more adventures from Cloud and the gang! Until next time, keep your head held high and your feet on the ground! And always keep track of your socks. That's very important. Like brushing your teeth or avoiding wandering around heavy machinery with your genitals hanging out. Oh, it's time for my medicine. So long!
The End
All characters Copyright Squaresoft 1997
Written by: R. Keith Sewell
