Dawn cautiously pushed opened the door to the basement and prayed that it
wouldn't creak, which of course it did. She turned and looked behind her,
standing completely still for a few minutes to make sure she hadn't woken
anyone. It was partly because she knew that everyone was already sleep
deprived, but mostly because she didn't need to be interrogated on why she
was going down to visit a "dangerous" vampire in the middle of the night.
She sighed with relief when she realized it was safe for her to go, and she
continued her way down the dark stairs, making sure she didn't trip and
kill herself on the way down.
She knew right away that he knew right away that she was there. He must have heard her coming down the stairs; her head was to tired too make her feet quiet enough to sneak up on a vampire. Not that she wanted to sneak, her intentions were perfectly clear to her... well, mostly they weren't.
"Nibblet?"
Dawn jumped at the sound of Spike's voice though she had been expecting it since she opened the door. She stifled her scream and groaned to relieve her frustration.
"Hi," she muttered sheepishly as she began to wish she hadn't come down here at all.
"What are you doing lurkin' about down here? Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddie-bye?"
Dawn immediately became angered by his patronizing tone, partly because she knew she deserved better than that, party because she expected more from him. He had always treated her like an adult, like mature, capable human being. Now he was talking to her like a child and it made Dawn's blood boil.
"Don't," she commanded him angrily.
"Don't what?"
"Don't talk to me like some little kid. I'm not."
Spike was taken aback by Dawn's harsh tone. He smiled weakly at her and wondered if she could even see him from where she was standing. "Sorry, pet. Didn't mean to upset you. But uh, why are you down here?"
Dawn shuffled her feet uncomfortably. "I couldn't sleep."
Spike immediately went into overprotective big brother mode. "Why? Dawn, is something wrong?"
"No. Well, yeah, but, not wronger than things have been."
"Oh," Spike understood immediately, "all right, then. Just frettin' over the latest and greatest big bad?"
Dawn nodded and turned her eyes down toward her feet. "Yes."
"Okay. I get it. But why did you come down here?"
Dawn looked into his eyes which she could just barely see as her eyes adjusted to the lack of light. "I wasn't sure where else I should go."
Spike took this in as he felt his heart warm and go out to the girl. He nodded at her sympathetically and she looked away, ashamed of her admission.
"Can I turn on the light?"
"Of course."
Dawn clicked on the dim basement light and looked at Spike who she could now see was sitting up on the cot, shoeless and shirtless with a light blue sheet rumpled up on top of him. He was smiling warmly at her and she felt her feet moving slightly forward toward him.
"So... Nibblet... you didn't actually come down here to, you know, light me on fire or anything, right?"
"What?" It took Dawn a long moment to realize what on earth the vampire was talking about but when it hit her she felt the pang of guilt like a sword in her gut. "Oh! No! Spike, I- I didn't- what I mean is-"
Spike put up his hand and nodded once. "Don't worry about it. I get it, you're scared. That's fine by me, you're very much entitled. You just come down here to talk, then?"
Dawn nodded bashfully as she began to play with her hair. Her retrogression to habits of when she was a child bothered her terribly but she couldn't seem to stop. Things between her and Spike had been so awkward since he got back. They had barely said two words to one another. Dawn knew that Spike was keeping his distance in order to be respectful, to make sure that she was comfortable. But Dawn had stayed away because she wasn't sure if it was all right for her to forgive him.
"Okay then, Little Bit, we can talk about whatever you want."
Dawn tried to smile but she couldn't manage for the corner of her lips to turn up into even a half-hearted smile. Instead she merely walked toward Spike and sat without a word next to the vampire who flinched ever so slightly when her hair brushed over the bare flesh of his shoulder. Dawn was too tired to notice.
When she sat, Dawn pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her long, teen-aged legs. She put her head onto her knees and that's when she felt it. All the frustration, all the fear, all the hate, all of the feelings that she got from Spike's presence boiled to the surface and flowed out of Dawn in the form of salty tears.
Spike just watched the girl and listened as her tired breathes quickened and turned into violent sobs. Her body shook furiously next to him and he was at a loss. He was too afraid to touch her or hug her, but felt awful about simply allowing her to sit there and cry. He settled for taking his palm and rubbing it in small circles over her back.
"Hey now, love. None of that. C'mon, Nibblet, it's gonna be fine."
"Don't!" She insisted as she lifted her head and looked at him with puffy red eyes. "It won't help for you to lie to me. You never have before, please don't start now."
"All right," Spike agreed easily, as he continued to rub her back. "But I don't know what to tell you, then, that might make you feel better." Honestly really sucked sometimes.
"Nothing can, I know that. That's not why I'm here."
"Oh? Why are you then, Dawn?"
"Because... God this is gonna sound so lame... because I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest in case..." she trailed of sadly as tears continued to flow furiously from her eyes.
"Okay, Sweet Bit, say whatever you like."
Dawn took a few deep breaths and forced her crying to at least ease up before she spoke. "Okay, I'm not really sure how to say this without making it sound awful so I'm just going to say it. I hate you. I mean, I don't hate you, but I did. I mean I really hated you. When I found out what you did to Buffy... you might as well have tried to raped me," Dawn paused for a moment when she saw how her words were affecting Spike but she knew she had to forge on.
"It hurt me so much, Spike, to hear what had happened. You were... you were like my protector, my brother even. I cared about you and looked up to you so much that knowing what you did... it was betrayal like nothing that I had ever felt in my life. It burned Spike, like really, really burned. And I wanted you to die. I wanted to do it myself if I could, but you were already gone. And I hated you even more for that. See, 'cause not only had you tried to rape my sister, you left. You left me. One person in all the world who I though would always be there for me was gone... just like that. And I hated you for it.
"And then it got worse, you know. I started to hate MYSELF for not completely wanting you to be gone. I was so... angry... with me... because I wasn't a hundred and ten percent angry with you and I tried to be, but I couldn't.
"And then you were back. Just as fast as you were gone you were back in my life and I didn't know what to do besides threaten you. I thought if I made you know that I hated you, then that would make it true, and there would be no... shred of sympathy left for you. I thought I was some sort of horrible person for still caring about you. It killed me to know that I still cared but I did, and I do. But I hated you all the same. Maybe not for the right reasons, not completely, but I did nonetheless.
"Then you started to... I don't know... grow on me again. After you came back from when... from when you were taken, I started to think that maybe it was time to move on, you know? And I saw you change right before my eyes. You were calm, and quiet, and thoughtful, and I thought that this you was okay to like. Now that you had a soul, you were... okay again? I guess. But once you started acting like an asshole again, God I was so angry. I'm still so, so," Dawn paused and took a deep, cleansing breath, "angry." She shook her head. "And the changes in you. This regression into old-Spike, it's not you now and you know it. You walk the walk and you talk the talk of this big, mean, evil, tough guy, but I can see in your eyes what the others may choose to ignore... you're not so different now then you were then. You chose to be good before you got a soul. The problem wasn't you, I don't think, the problem was us. The problem was that we didn't give you the chance to be good so you didn't be good for the sake of being good. And then I just get even angrier than I already am. I'm angry at Xander, and Will, and especially Buffy. She told me a lot about what happened between you two, not everything, but enough for me to acknowledge that what happened, it wasn't completely your fault. I mean, what you did... TRIED to do is, there's no excuse for that. I know you know that. But what I really want to know, is if it's okay for me to love you like a brother again? Is it okay for us to be close? Can I forgive you?"
With that, tears flooded Dawn's eyes and Spike didn't hesitate to grab her up into his arms and hold her in a tight yet unfamiliar embrace which Dawn didn't reject. He ran his fingers through her hair in what he hoped was a somewhat comforting gesture as Dawn sobbed relentlessly onto his bare chest.
"It is, Dawn. I'll tell you it is if it feels right to you because God know I never stopped caring about you. You're forgiveness means so much to me. But don't give it to me because you think it would make me feel better, give it to me if you're ready, because you're ready to forgive me. I don't deserve Buffy, I don't deserve forgiveness from anyone but if you need to do that to make you feel better, than I am more than willing to accept it."
Dawn nodded. "I am. I forgive you, Spike. It's so much easier to just forgive you than to keep working so hard at hating you."
Dawn cried for a few more minutes and Spike held and rocked her like a child in hopes that he might calm the girl. When the tears finally slowed and stopped, and Dawn was once again relatively calm, she pulled back and simply rested her head on Spike's shoulder.
"Feel better, platelet?"
"Yeah," she admitted, her voice and body tired from the strain of crying, "actually I do."
"Good, glad to hear it. Is there be anything else?"
"Yes," she said quietly and she breathed out, "I'm so afraid."
"Oh, Sweet Bit, look, you're gonna be all right. I promise, I won't let anything happen to you ever. Neither would big sis, you know that."
"No I don't. There's a lot she would do to save the world, I don't think choosing me over it is one of them."
"That is NOT true. She loves you more than anything."
"That doesn't change the fact that..." she paused and took a deep, chilled breath, "she won't come near me, Spike. She barely talks to me now that she's to busy with preparations for... she knows already what she would do to save the world. And I know she doesn't love me more than it. Which, I mean, I can't be angry at her for that but, I just wish..."
"Dawn, listen to me, and listen good," Spike told her gently as he took her shaking hands. He looked into her eyes as he spoke, "I will protect you to the end of the world. Right? I promised your sister once and I'm promising you now. I won't let anything happen to you."
Dawn smiled weakly but honestly. The feeling she got from being close to Spike again was indescribable. They had grown so close over the summer when Buffy was gone that having him not be around was more painful than she would have liked. She fell back into his arms and he held her close. He places a chaste kiss on the top of her head and she yawned loudly. Spike took note of this and he pulled back a bit.
"You should get to bed, Dawn, you have school tomorrow don't you?"
"Yeah but..." she trailed off as she placed her head gently on his shoulder, "I think I'd rather just stay here for a while, if that's okay."
"Yeah, Nibblet, o'course that's-" but Spike found that his words were in vain, for Dawn was already fast asleep.
TBC...
~*~
I'm so sorry this took FOREVER to update. Okay, I think two more chapters... next up... Dawn has a little talk with her school counselor. :- D Please review!
She knew right away that he knew right away that she was there. He must have heard her coming down the stairs; her head was to tired too make her feet quiet enough to sneak up on a vampire. Not that she wanted to sneak, her intentions were perfectly clear to her... well, mostly they weren't.
"Nibblet?"
Dawn jumped at the sound of Spike's voice though she had been expecting it since she opened the door. She stifled her scream and groaned to relieve her frustration.
"Hi," she muttered sheepishly as she began to wish she hadn't come down here at all.
"What are you doing lurkin' about down here? Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddie-bye?"
Dawn immediately became angered by his patronizing tone, partly because she knew she deserved better than that, party because she expected more from him. He had always treated her like an adult, like mature, capable human being. Now he was talking to her like a child and it made Dawn's blood boil.
"Don't," she commanded him angrily.
"Don't what?"
"Don't talk to me like some little kid. I'm not."
Spike was taken aback by Dawn's harsh tone. He smiled weakly at her and wondered if she could even see him from where she was standing. "Sorry, pet. Didn't mean to upset you. But uh, why are you down here?"
Dawn shuffled her feet uncomfortably. "I couldn't sleep."
Spike immediately went into overprotective big brother mode. "Why? Dawn, is something wrong?"
"No. Well, yeah, but, not wronger than things have been."
"Oh," Spike understood immediately, "all right, then. Just frettin' over the latest and greatest big bad?"
Dawn nodded and turned her eyes down toward her feet. "Yes."
"Okay. I get it. But why did you come down here?"
Dawn looked into his eyes which she could just barely see as her eyes adjusted to the lack of light. "I wasn't sure where else I should go."
Spike took this in as he felt his heart warm and go out to the girl. He nodded at her sympathetically and she looked away, ashamed of her admission.
"Can I turn on the light?"
"Of course."
Dawn clicked on the dim basement light and looked at Spike who she could now see was sitting up on the cot, shoeless and shirtless with a light blue sheet rumpled up on top of him. He was smiling warmly at her and she felt her feet moving slightly forward toward him.
"So... Nibblet... you didn't actually come down here to, you know, light me on fire or anything, right?"
"What?" It took Dawn a long moment to realize what on earth the vampire was talking about but when it hit her she felt the pang of guilt like a sword in her gut. "Oh! No! Spike, I- I didn't- what I mean is-"
Spike put up his hand and nodded once. "Don't worry about it. I get it, you're scared. That's fine by me, you're very much entitled. You just come down here to talk, then?"
Dawn nodded bashfully as she began to play with her hair. Her retrogression to habits of when she was a child bothered her terribly but she couldn't seem to stop. Things between her and Spike had been so awkward since he got back. They had barely said two words to one another. Dawn knew that Spike was keeping his distance in order to be respectful, to make sure that she was comfortable. But Dawn had stayed away because she wasn't sure if it was all right for her to forgive him.
"Okay then, Little Bit, we can talk about whatever you want."
Dawn tried to smile but she couldn't manage for the corner of her lips to turn up into even a half-hearted smile. Instead she merely walked toward Spike and sat without a word next to the vampire who flinched ever so slightly when her hair brushed over the bare flesh of his shoulder. Dawn was too tired to notice.
When she sat, Dawn pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her long, teen-aged legs. She put her head onto her knees and that's when she felt it. All the frustration, all the fear, all the hate, all of the feelings that she got from Spike's presence boiled to the surface and flowed out of Dawn in the form of salty tears.
Spike just watched the girl and listened as her tired breathes quickened and turned into violent sobs. Her body shook furiously next to him and he was at a loss. He was too afraid to touch her or hug her, but felt awful about simply allowing her to sit there and cry. He settled for taking his palm and rubbing it in small circles over her back.
"Hey now, love. None of that. C'mon, Nibblet, it's gonna be fine."
"Don't!" She insisted as she lifted her head and looked at him with puffy red eyes. "It won't help for you to lie to me. You never have before, please don't start now."
"All right," Spike agreed easily, as he continued to rub her back. "But I don't know what to tell you, then, that might make you feel better." Honestly really sucked sometimes.
"Nothing can, I know that. That's not why I'm here."
"Oh? Why are you then, Dawn?"
"Because... God this is gonna sound so lame... because I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest in case..." she trailed of sadly as tears continued to flow furiously from her eyes.
"Okay, Sweet Bit, say whatever you like."
Dawn took a few deep breaths and forced her crying to at least ease up before she spoke. "Okay, I'm not really sure how to say this without making it sound awful so I'm just going to say it. I hate you. I mean, I don't hate you, but I did. I mean I really hated you. When I found out what you did to Buffy... you might as well have tried to raped me," Dawn paused for a moment when she saw how her words were affecting Spike but she knew she had to forge on.
"It hurt me so much, Spike, to hear what had happened. You were... you were like my protector, my brother even. I cared about you and looked up to you so much that knowing what you did... it was betrayal like nothing that I had ever felt in my life. It burned Spike, like really, really burned. And I wanted you to die. I wanted to do it myself if I could, but you were already gone. And I hated you even more for that. See, 'cause not only had you tried to rape my sister, you left. You left me. One person in all the world who I though would always be there for me was gone... just like that. And I hated you for it.
"And then it got worse, you know. I started to hate MYSELF for not completely wanting you to be gone. I was so... angry... with me... because I wasn't a hundred and ten percent angry with you and I tried to be, but I couldn't.
"And then you were back. Just as fast as you were gone you were back in my life and I didn't know what to do besides threaten you. I thought if I made you know that I hated you, then that would make it true, and there would be no... shred of sympathy left for you. I thought I was some sort of horrible person for still caring about you. It killed me to know that I still cared but I did, and I do. But I hated you all the same. Maybe not for the right reasons, not completely, but I did nonetheless.
"Then you started to... I don't know... grow on me again. After you came back from when... from when you were taken, I started to think that maybe it was time to move on, you know? And I saw you change right before my eyes. You were calm, and quiet, and thoughtful, and I thought that this you was okay to like. Now that you had a soul, you were... okay again? I guess. But once you started acting like an asshole again, God I was so angry. I'm still so, so," Dawn paused and took a deep, cleansing breath, "angry." She shook her head. "And the changes in you. This regression into old-Spike, it's not you now and you know it. You walk the walk and you talk the talk of this big, mean, evil, tough guy, but I can see in your eyes what the others may choose to ignore... you're not so different now then you were then. You chose to be good before you got a soul. The problem wasn't you, I don't think, the problem was us. The problem was that we didn't give you the chance to be good so you didn't be good for the sake of being good. And then I just get even angrier than I already am. I'm angry at Xander, and Will, and especially Buffy. She told me a lot about what happened between you two, not everything, but enough for me to acknowledge that what happened, it wasn't completely your fault. I mean, what you did... TRIED to do is, there's no excuse for that. I know you know that. But what I really want to know, is if it's okay for me to love you like a brother again? Is it okay for us to be close? Can I forgive you?"
With that, tears flooded Dawn's eyes and Spike didn't hesitate to grab her up into his arms and hold her in a tight yet unfamiliar embrace which Dawn didn't reject. He ran his fingers through her hair in what he hoped was a somewhat comforting gesture as Dawn sobbed relentlessly onto his bare chest.
"It is, Dawn. I'll tell you it is if it feels right to you because God know I never stopped caring about you. You're forgiveness means so much to me. But don't give it to me because you think it would make me feel better, give it to me if you're ready, because you're ready to forgive me. I don't deserve Buffy, I don't deserve forgiveness from anyone but if you need to do that to make you feel better, than I am more than willing to accept it."
Dawn nodded. "I am. I forgive you, Spike. It's so much easier to just forgive you than to keep working so hard at hating you."
Dawn cried for a few more minutes and Spike held and rocked her like a child in hopes that he might calm the girl. When the tears finally slowed and stopped, and Dawn was once again relatively calm, she pulled back and simply rested her head on Spike's shoulder.
"Feel better, platelet?"
"Yeah," she admitted, her voice and body tired from the strain of crying, "actually I do."
"Good, glad to hear it. Is there be anything else?"
"Yes," she said quietly and she breathed out, "I'm so afraid."
"Oh, Sweet Bit, look, you're gonna be all right. I promise, I won't let anything happen to you ever. Neither would big sis, you know that."
"No I don't. There's a lot she would do to save the world, I don't think choosing me over it is one of them."
"That is NOT true. She loves you more than anything."
"That doesn't change the fact that..." she paused and took a deep, chilled breath, "she won't come near me, Spike. She barely talks to me now that she's to busy with preparations for... she knows already what she would do to save the world. And I know she doesn't love me more than it. Which, I mean, I can't be angry at her for that but, I just wish..."
"Dawn, listen to me, and listen good," Spike told her gently as he took her shaking hands. He looked into her eyes as he spoke, "I will protect you to the end of the world. Right? I promised your sister once and I'm promising you now. I won't let anything happen to you."
Dawn smiled weakly but honestly. The feeling she got from being close to Spike again was indescribable. They had grown so close over the summer when Buffy was gone that having him not be around was more painful than she would have liked. She fell back into his arms and he held her close. He places a chaste kiss on the top of her head and she yawned loudly. Spike took note of this and he pulled back a bit.
"You should get to bed, Dawn, you have school tomorrow don't you?"
"Yeah but..." she trailed off as she placed her head gently on his shoulder, "I think I'd rather just stay here for a while, if that's okay."
"Yeah, Nibblet, o'course that's-" but Spike found that his words were in vain, for Dawn was already fast asleep.
TBC...
~*~
I'm so sorry this took FOREVER to update. Okay, I think two more chapters... next up... Dawn has a little talk with her school counselor. :- D Please review!
