Last time: Sasha struggles with her recovery and Oppie doesn't know what to do.
Now: Kyr has a chat with his little sister.
Chapter 2- You're the Strongest Person I Know
Kyr drifted awake, finally becoming aware enough to realize he was awake in the middle of the night. As he had many nights over the past few months, looking at the chrono, wishing he could go back to sleep. Though the peace of the night was rather pleasant. The window was open, letting in a chill breeze that made the layers of blankets a comfortable and comforting warmth. Both he and Cien preferred the room like a meat locker at night, which he was thankful for. He was prone to overheating if it wasn't cold, and that would have made the night even more insufferable as he lay awake, annoyed that he wasn't asleep.
She hogged the blankets though, he thought with a smile as he looked down at her. She liked the room chill, but with heavy blankets over the top and tightly wrapped around her like a protective cocoon. And ever since they had moved into this room, she fell asleep clutching him tightly, as she was now. He had his arm around her as well, falling asleep hugging her just as close. Her hair was a mess across his sleeping shirt as she snored ever so slightly, and he thought it was adorable. When she was asleep all the hardness about her faded away and left her looking like an angel, to his eyes at least.
But he lay there. His mind going over the thoughts that come to one in the middle of the night. Missed opportunities, things he could have done differently. Occurrences he wished he had been different. In the past when he had lain awake he had thought of her, wishing that things had been different between them, wishing he had told her how he felt, but that had faded the moment she had come back into his life. And so had those sleepless, restless nights. But the last few weeks he found himself sleepless again, and he knew it was because of what had happened after Caranas.
He thought about those moments in the depths of the night like this. The hopelessness of losing everyone, again. The horrible feeling of losing her, just when their future had unfolded before them. He hugged her a little tighter, and she adjusted a little bit, still asleep.
And he worried about Sasha. Cien had told him about the scene she had witnessed as Op tried to help her with her physical therapy earlier, and the conversation she had with Op afterwards. It didn't sound like the Sasha he knew. His little sister that was tough as beskar and more stubborn than… anything he could think of to compare her to. And to have something that could break her so thoroughly, he never thought he would see that. Hell, she'd even been the one to beat Cien at her own game because of her stubborn refusal to give up. He remembered how she had been in the recovery room, how upset she had been that she had become a 'killer', a thought so foreign to him, since as a Mandalorian, at least a more traditional Mandalorian compared to a lot of those on Mandalore during Satines reign, fighting and death was a part of life. Even Jedi took lives if they had to. But she had been so upset by it.
But at the same time it wasn't a thought so foreign to him, really. Just on a different scale. He remembered after he had gone after Moff Krayden, when he had disabled the Star Destroyer and killed everyone aboard. Destroying the life support system and taking the lives of fifty-thousand people in one fell swoop. There had been an engineering crew that, by chance, had been in vac suits performing some maintenance or other, and he had hunted them through the ship for days, picking them off one by one because of his need to avenge his family and not let the Empire know who had performed that act. He remembered stumbling into a barracks, filled with row upon row of stormtroopers that had passed in their sleep. A thousand men and women laying in their bunks, silently waiting for the new day that would never come for them. He remembered what had finally ended it, when he had tracked down the two remaining survivors from that engineering crew, after they had done everything they could to try to kill him before he killed them. And they were cowering in a closet of one of the state rooms, terrified of him, because he was the monster that was hunting them through the corridors of their dead ship, sharing the last of their air supply because he had hit one of their air tanks earlier.
Lyra Dawson and Max Fisk. Two names that were burned into his memory from when he had realized what he had become, and he had turned away. He never knew what happened to them after he walked away from that closet. After simply asking their names. Part of him hoped they made it away safe, another part hoped they hadn't. And he hated that other part of himself. And so he could understand what Sasha was going through in his own way.
Cien mumbled something in her sleep and turned slightly, grabbing at his shirt before relaxing with a sigh back to peaceful sleep. With these dark thoughts in mind he hugged her tighter, taking comfort in her presence. He remembered explaining what had happened on that star destroyer to her in the dining room that first night they spoke. And in a way, he thought that his revelation to her that he was a monster helped build a bond between them. Two people that saw themselves as monsters and hated that about themselves, and that loved each other so deeply because they understood each other like no one else they'd ever met could.
He felt restless. He extracted himself as carefully as he could from Cien's sleeping form, sliding to the edge of the bed and getting to his feet.
"Kyr?" She asked sleepy, not really awake, just asking if he was okay.
"Just getting a drink cyar'ika." He said quietly.
"Don't have too much orange stuff." She said drowsily before falling fully asleep again.
He tried to contain a laugh that threatened to escape him, lest he wake her fully. He admired her for a second, how precious she looked, and how precious she was to him. And had to keep from laughing again thinking what her reaction might be if he used that word to describe her. He slipped from the room as quietly as he could, walking down the long hallway towards the kitchen. All the lights were out, except for a few soft night lights along the baseboards that let him see, walking down the corridor filled with bedrooms for a family that was no longer so large as to demand so many rooms. But maybe someday it might be, he reminded himself, lest his thoughts turn back to being too melancholy. Reminding himself to not dwell on the darkness.
Stepping out into the great room, and towards the kitchen, the room was lit with familiar dark blues of a night on Artemis. His favorite time, when he was reminded of so many of the most special moments of his life. He wistfully looked into the dining room as he passed by, at the chairs, before stepping into the kitchen and getting a glass of water.
His leg still ached, especially as it was getting colder and colder. It served as a reminder of what had happened. And he still didn't feel back to where he had been, physically. And he still had to force himself to push past this new phobia he had about his armor. He had donned it to go save Sasha and Op, but over the last few weeks he had shied away from wearing it if he didn't need to. He still felt trapped in it, and it still felt heavy. Too heavy, heavier than he remembered it feeling months ago before the wall, the gallery, and the grav plates. He shuddered as he remembered that. Closing his eyes and being back in that awful room. He opened them, and breathed deep, looking out the window still at the quiet snow that accumulated over the valley. He swallowed, putting the glass down, and feeling the sudden need to have Cien at his side, and to hug her close. He turned and went out of the kitchen, back into the great room.
He slowed as he saw a figure sitting on the sofa in front of the silent fireplace. All the lights out still, she must have been here and he just hadn't seen her across the room when he entered before.
"Sash'ika?" He asked.
Sasha looked up from where she was looking out the window at the night and the snowy valley, and over to him. "Oh, hi Kyr," she said quietly as it was still the middle of the night. She then looked back out the window.
He looked at her for a moment, "I couldn't sleep either, mind if I join you?" He asked.
"Sure," she said after a moment. Then she looked back at him with a nod.
Kyr settled down into a chair near her. "Everything okay?" He asked.
She didn't answer for a long moment as she turned her gaze back to the window. "I don't know," she said.
He was quiet for a while. "Yeah, that can be a tough question to answer sometimes." He said in quiet agreement.
"Is Oppie mad at me?" She asked him after another moment of silence between them.
"No." Kyr answered, shaking his head, "just worried about you. But I don't think Op could ever be mad at you."
Sasha glanced at him on that before looking down at her lap. She didn't have a response for that.
"How's your leg feeling?" He asked.
"It still hurts," she said as she absently picked at the brace.
"Yeah, my leg hurts still too." He said absently as well. "Especially now with it getting colder outside."
"I didn't know it still hurt," Sasha said looking at him, a hint of worry in her eyes.
"Yeah, not too bad, but it's still sore." He said, with a slight shrug. "Kelce told me it might be for a long time while the muscles fully heal. I just kind of push through it. But the cold definitely makes it act up a bit." He also scratched absently at the scar on his shoulder where he had been stabbed with the knife and subsequently infected.
"Oh, I guess that makes sense," Sasha said with a small nod. "Well I'm glad you're doing better."
"Yeah." He said relaxing back into the chair a little. "Me too." He said, thinking a little. "Though after something like that, even with the kind of injuries you and I both had from our experiences, it's the ones in here that take the longest to heal." He said with a gesture towards his head as he slumped back into the chair. "I don't even feel comfortable getting into my armor, still." He admitted.
Sasha looked at him, surprise written on her face. "Even after you came to rescue us?" She asked. "I… I didn't realize you still weren't comfortable in it."
He shrugged. "It kind of disappeared when we needed to find you guys, but now that it's not needed, there's…" He paused, "so much weight to it." He said, looking away.
"Oh…" She looked back down at her lap. "Do you think that it will ever change and go back to normal?" She asked him carefully. Her question carrying a double meaning.
"I think so." He said after a moment. "It just takes time to heal those kinds of wounds." He said a little uncomfortably. "During my agoge training, they taught us how to deal with that. But it doesn't really compare to the real thing." He said quietly. "And they also didn't teach us we could draw strength from those around us. At least not the way I've been able to. Maybe that was a Mando thing, trying to teach self reliance. But having everyone in the family here for me, you and Cien especially because you're such a well of strength for me, and always there for me, that's helped more than anything." He admitted.
Sasha felt her heart thud at that as she struggled to find the words to respond to that. But after a moment, she just shook her head and looked away. "I'm not strong," she nearly whispered. "I don't feel strong."
"Yes you are, Sasha." He said. He was quiet for a moment. "Cien said you both… met Anna and… our mom, right?" He asked, still not entirely sure of what Cien had told him.
"Yeah, we did," Sasha answered. "They were both really nice and almost exactly how I pictured they'd be. At least based off what you've told us and from what I've seen from pictures around the house."
He looked away, and then down to his arms. "I hope you take this as the compliment it is meant to be when I honestly can't say if it's you, Cien, mom or Anna that are the strongest person that has ever been in my life."
"Really?" Sasha asked, stunned by his kind words.
"Really." He smirked slightly, "and Cien said that mom welcomed you both as her daughters, and mom didn't raise weak kids."
She flinched slightly at that. "I'm grateful for that, but… I've always been the weakest. I mean, I may be stronger with the Force and all, but compared to Viran or Oppie or even you and Cien, I'm not all that strong. I just...act that way because I don't want to be seen as weak even though I am," she admitted.
"What makes you think that?" He asked surprised, looking at her in the faint light coming from the moons through the window.
"Ever since I was little, Oppie has always been there to save me. Same with Viran. From 66 to several instances where we nearly ran into the Empire to even when we first met Cien. When I told Oppie I got that job at the cantina when I was fifteen, he wasn't sure about it as he wasn't sure if it was a scene for someone like me to be in. So I proved to him that I could handle myself," she told him. "I've always felt like I had to prove to everyone that I can take care of myself and protect my family. Prove that I am strong, because I always felt like I wasn't. That I was just some damsel in distress who always needed saving." She explained, her emotions swelling towards the end as tears gathered. "Why do you think I'm so damn stubborn?" She asked rhetorically.
He smirked slightly. "I can imagine Op's reaction to a fifteen year old in his care wanting to work in a bar. I don't think it was because it was you, I think it was the cantina. And if I recall correctly, you stood your ground and were able to…" He paused, trying to think of the way to word this to describe what he was thinking without saying something negative about his wife. "Cien mastered mindspace years before, and you were able to match her in there the first day or two you discovered that power even existed. You saved Oppie and me on several occasions. You faced down Dracul by yourself in the mindspace and held your own. All this stuff you do to try to not appear so weak, when does it stop becoming an act, and when does it just become you being a strong person?" He asked.
Sasha was at a loss for words. She sat there in silence for a while looking from the window to her lap to the ceiling and back before finally looking to Kyr. "I… I don't know," she managed to say after a few moments as she took all of that in.
"Do you think I'm brave?" He asked, a little out of the blue.
"Yeah, of course. You're the bravest person I know," she said.
"I get scared whenever I go into battle." He admitted, "every time. Especially now, when I have so much to lose. All it would take is one stray shot, not clearing a corner well enough. Encountering someone who's a little better aim, or a little faster on the draw than me." He looked over at her in the darkness, "does that change your opinion of me?"
She shook her head. "No, no it doesn't."
"One of my favorite quotes is from one of the great Mandalorians, long ago, who once said 'courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.'" He said. "Strength isn't about being strong, strength is about pushing past the weakness that would make others falter."
"If that's true then… then why do I feel weak? Like I'm the weakest link?" She asked as she gathered her right leg to her chest and rested her cheek against her knee.
He snorted in suppressed laughter. "You're the weakest one? How do you think I feel trying to keep up with the four of you being the one without the Force? Everyone in the family thinks you're one of the strongest, Op and Viran do at least, and I am sure Cien might think that too, since she has her own doubts about being weak." He said quietly.
"But…" She started to say then trailed off. "You're not the weakest, Kyr. You are one of the strongest people I know. There's a reason I look up to both you and Op." She said after a moment of gathering her thoughts. "And Cien's crazy strong. I know I'm nowhere near her level. And Viran… he's been my strength for longer than he and I have been together."
Kyr looked at her. "Cien worries about her strength not in how powerful she is, but in other areas where she looks up to you." He said quietly, hoping it was okay to reveal this to her. "And thanks for telling me I'm not the weakest, but… I am, Sash'ika." He said quietly. "All my tricks, all my training barely make it so I can keep up with the four of you. And I'm fine with that. And your strength lies in your heart, Sasha. Your strength turned Cien from a lifetime of darkness to the light. Hell, Sasha, it made me believe in the light again after a lifetime in my own darkness." He admitted. "Your strength uplifts everyone around you to be a better person. That in and of itself probably makes you the strongest person in the house, all of us look up to you in that regard." He said. "Don't think of yourself as weak because you need help occasionally, Sasha. You're not weak."
Sasha looked at Kyr as tears fell from her eyes with each word he said. She was speechless, but she felt a weight lift off her shoulders when he said. Something that had been nagging her constantly since Myrkr. She felt a very small smile tug at her lips as she said, "thank you, Kyr. That helps. A lot. You don't understand how much I've needed to hear that," she said as she attempted to wipe the tears. But they just kept coming.
Kyr got up from his seat and sat down on the sofa next to her, wrapping an arm over her shoulder in a hug. "I'm your big brother, that's my job." He said quietly.
Sasha leaned into the hug. "Thank you, ori'vod."
"No problem vod'ika." He said, "you want a blanket or anything?"
"I'm alright," she said as she wiped her face.
"I'm sorry I made you cry," he said after a moment.
That got a slight chuckle out of Sasha. "You don't need to apologize for that. They're not sad tears."
"Oh, good." Kyr said as he yawned.
"We should probably get back to bed," Sasha suggested. "Before either Viran or Cien freak out and come searching for us."
"Good idea, we don't want to incur their wrath." He said, moving to stand up.
Sasha smiled lightly at that before looking over to the hover chair that sat nearby. Her smile faltered slightly looking at it. While she did feel better, there was still a part of her that grimaced everytime she would look at that chair.
"You'll be out of it soon." Kyr said, noticing her look. "I couldn't wait to not have to use the crutches or a cane." He ventured to say as he held out a hand to help her up.
"Yeah," she said, kind of absently as she took his hand. Carefully, Kyr helped Sasha to her feet and helped her over to the hover chair, making sure she didn't fall. As soon as they reached her chair, Sasha sat down in it before looking back up at Kyr. "Thanks."
"No problem. Want company back to your room?" He offered.
She shook her head lightly. "I'll be okay. Thank you, though, for the offer."
"You're welcome, have a good night vod'ika." He said as he started back towards his room.
"Good night, ori'vod," she said before using the controls on the chair to move towards her own room.
Sasha watched for a moment as Kyr walked towards the other wing of the house before continuing down towards her room. Everything he said to her was flying through her head at lightspeed as she quietly moved through the halls of the house towards her shared room with Viran. Before Myrkr, the thought of herself being weak had never crossed her mind all that much. It lingered in the back of her mind and would occasionally surface, but it wasn't something she really considered fully. But after Myrkr it was constantly nagging her. Like those Sith voices that bothered Sasha at the two Sith temples she visited. But Kyr's kind words about her being strong put all of that to rest.
However, something still nagged at her and made her feel… depressed was the only word she could think of. The thing that made her tell Oppie that she didn't want to get better. The thing that kept her stuck in this kriffing chair. But she still didn't know what that thing was. And she was afraid to figure out what it was.
Her chair reached her room, but stopped before Lana's room. She looked at her daughter's room and used the Force to quietly open the door. As quietly as she could, Sasha moved into the room and over to Lana's crib where the one year old was lying on her stomach, sound asleep. Sasha slowly approached the crib and looked down at Lana through the crib bars. Sasha felt bad as after the outburst that morning in the training room, she had secluded herself so much that she hadn't seen Lana since lunch. She was grateful to Viran for taking care of her the rest of the day, but she felt a pit form since she had missed her daughter. So Sasha sat there for another twenty minutes watching her daughter sleep before finally deciding to call it a night herself.
Leaving the room, Sasha quietly moved next door where she was sure Viran was still in bed. She opened the door and just like in Lana's room, she quietly moved to the edge of the bed. Once there, she parked the chair and moved into the bed. It took her a moment to get both legs in comfortably before she laid down herself and adjusted the blankets around herself. She then looked over at Viran who was laying on his back with his left arm up over his head and his right one flopped over his chest, lightly snoring. A light smile came to her lips as she realized just how lucky she was to have Viran, Lana, Kyr, Oppie and Cien in her life right now. She moved over and snuggled into his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him. And a moment later, Sasha fell into a restful sleep.
Viran stirred when he felt someone lay their head on his shoulder. Looking down, he saw Sasha sound asleep and curled into him. Something she hadn't done in a while, especially since Myrkr. A smile came to his lips as a small part of himself figured that someone else had come to talk to her after she had snuck out earlier that night. He knew she had gotten up and disappeared into the living room a couple hours ago. It's not that he didn't want to follow her, but he had already tried to talk to her about what happened earlier that day and she had closed up on him. So he had given her the space she needed to sort this out. And it must have worked as seeing her like this made him sure of who may have talked to her. Placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, Viran wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in close before going back to sleep. He would thank Kyr in the morning.
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