Following applies to all chapters:
Disclaimer – Not my characters, otherwise would not be under Fan Fiction, no?
Rating – R, right from the start
Pairing – SS/HP
Warnings – slash, graphic rape/non-con, violence, Sirius Black bashing!
Genre – hurt/comfort, angst, romance
Summary – Sirius Black is not a nice man, but Harry doesn't figure that out until it's too late.
A/N - So, another week, another chapter. Well, not quite a week – a little over, but who's counting?
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with this one, but it's done and I'm dusting my hands of it.
For readers of both this and of Guilty Consciences, I'm still having a little block on that one, but I'm hoping to have Chapter 4 out by not this Friday but the next, and it's shaping up to be a long one.
It's The Talk, if that makes sense to you.
Anyway, on with this show…
11.
Remus sat by the lake at Hogwarts thinking about Sirius and James and Peter and most of all about Harry.
He wanted to go see Harry. He ached to make sure that James' son was going to be all right and to let him know that he fully supported him.
Every time he thought of Sirius his heart felt hollow.
It felt the same now to think of Sirius as it did when he thought about Peter. It was the same for Sirius now as it had been when he thought he had been responsible for the events at Godric's Hollow that Halloween, what seemed like so many years ago and, when he thought about it, actually was.
Merlin, was little Harry already seventeen?
Was he really old enough to be in a serious relationship with someone – anyone?
Was he going to be okay?
He ached to see him, but he was scared.
Harry had suffered now at the hands of Peter and Sirius, and yes, even his father by association only. Wasn't it likely that he, Remus, was just going to make things worse, too?
Wasn't it likely that Harry wouldn't want to see him? After all, hadn't he been the one who had supported Sirius after his escape? Wasn't he, truly, the one to blame because he hadn't seen this coming?
His mind was a whorl of questions that needed answers, but that he was too afraid to get.
He had always been afraid. Afraid of people finding out his secret; afraid of people turning against him; afraid that, even though he had friends among the most popular boys in the school, Sirius and James would leave him, turn around and reveal his secret, if he didn't go along with everything they did.
His life had been ruled by fear of a situation that he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of, and he was used to it by now.
He would see Harry if, and only if, Harry wanted to see him.
But still, he would sit here by the lake, watching the giant squid, just incase.
Incase he finally screwed up the courage to go visit Harry, because after all, there was no more Sirius and James to turn their backs, and even if they had, everyone knew what he was these days.
Really the only things he was afraid of now were Harry's almost certain rejection, and the heartbreaking possibility that this had changed Harry for the worse. He couldn't go up and see a broken Harry Potter and know that he had at least some fault in it.
Sighing deeply, he turned back to look at the shoreline, which was not so much a shoreline as a dip straight into the water. No in-between, just straight from land to water.
How had Sirius gone straight from a loving guardian to an insane man, a rapist? Surely there had to have been something in-between, something that, even if he hadn't seen it, could be seen by someone. But if that was the case, why had no one seen it?
"Remus."
Startled out of his reflections he looked around to find out who had called his name.
"Albus."
The old man stood close to him. Too close for him not to have heard the approach normally, but still he hadn't, because things weren't normal, and he was distracted by his thoughts.
"Remus, why are you sitting alone by the lake when Harry most likely would like to see you?"
Shaking his head, Remus looked back at the lake. It barely moved this morning, rippling ever so lightly, sporadically, as the breeze blew randomly in different directions.
"No, he won't. Why would he?"
Remus heard the rustle of clothes and saw, peripherally, Albus move to sit on a boulder near his own.
"Surely you know that he considers you a friend? Surely you know that he'll want to thank you for your participation in Sirius' arrest? Surely you know he'll be comforted in knowing that not all of his father's friends were people he would have been ashamed of?"
When Remus looked away, Albus clucked reprovingly.
"Remus, you know that you're not to blame for any of the harm that Harry has come to, don't you?"
"I'm not fully to blame," Remus conceded in a small voice, "but I'm not faultless. I lived with him, Albus. I should have known – I should have seen it coming."
Remus heard a resounding sigh, a frustrated one, from his right.
"No one saw it coming. Do you think if I had that I would have let Sirius on to school property? That if Severus had seen it coming, he would have let Harry out of his sight? That if Hermione or the Weasleys had they wouldn't have sought out Sirius and registered him unable to do anything of harm to anybody? No one saw it coming. Don't blame them, and don't blame yourself.
"Now I'm here because Severus wants to see you, but he doesn't want to leave Harry. Do you think he would ask you to come if he blamed you, or if he thought Harry did?"
Remus shivered as a breeze blew straight through his robes.
"I'll go speak to Severus, then."
"Do. And please, speak to Harry, too. If not for yourself or for Harry, then do it because James and Lily can't."
Remus put his head in his hands.
"I need a few minutes. Tell Severus I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Please."
"Be sure that you are. Good morning, Remus."
"Good morning, Albus."
Remus sat, staring at the grass at his feet.
He'd go and speak to Severus, and if Harry wanted to see him, he'd see him too. But he would not force him. He would not do that to Harry, to anyone, not now.
But he just needed a few more minutes.
Just a few.
~
He had popped out to use the bathroom and talk to Albus.
And to have just a few minutes to him self, which had changed into more than a few without his knowledge.
That scene with Harry this morning had, quite frankly, scared him. To sit by, helpless, and watch his lover become physically sick at the idea that his dead parents would be disappointed in him for having been raped…
He wanted to cry, but at the same time he didn't.
Harry had mentioned a dream. Was that why they had ended up in the same bed? He would have to ask him about it.
But maybe not for a while.
Let things calm down a bit.
Sitting on the closed toilet lid, he ran his fingers through his hair, grabbing fists full before letting it go and running his fingers through it.
He took a deep breath in through his nose and let it out slowly through his mouth. He had heard that that was a trick for calming down, but it didn't seem to be working for him. He realised that his hands were gripping his knees tightly enough to leave bruises, but what were a few bruises compared to what Harry had went through?
Dementors.
He had had his fair share of them those two weeks in Azkaban. His mind had replayed every bad thing that had happened to him, and when it had run out, the loop had started again. He was fairly sure that, were any to come near him again, the image of Harry throwing up repeatedly, barely able to speak afterward, unable to truly support his own weight, that would be the first and foremost.
No, it wouldn't, it would be what he had seen when he had lifted the blanket covering Harry down in Hagrid's hut.
Harry shouting that he was a waste of a life would feature there somewhere, as would his first glance of Harry lying on the floor, broken.
But how much harder must it have been for Harry to be thinking and experiencing all these things firsthand?
Sighing, he stood up and walked out into the main ward, only to see Lupin standing at the furthest edge of Harry's cubicle from Harry as he could get, looking nervous as hell as Harry spoke to him. Had it been so long since he had left? He had wanted to talk to the man about the arrest in private so that he could relay the facts to Harry himself, so that he could be sure that he was there if Harry got upset, which, he was sure, no one could blame him for.
The werewolf's hands were twisting at the seams of his robes and his shoulders were hunched over.
He said something so quietly that Severus couldn't even hear the tone. And then Harry started shouting, and before the words even registered, he found himself running to his side.
"You helped me, Remus! God, stop blaming yourself! I never saw it coming! Does that mean that I'm partly to blame?"
At that Lupin's head snapped up and he looked truly shocked and repentant.
"Merlin, no, Harry! No, you must never say that!"
"Then neither should you!"
Severus had reached Harry's bedside now, and saw the tears threatening to escape the emerald eyes, though he couldn't tell if they were tears of anger, frustration, hurt, or something unidentifiable.
"Harry," he almost-whispered, trying not to startle him with an arrival the young man almost certainly hadn't noticed.
Harry turned his head towards him and saw Severus' concerned face.
And the tears started to escape.
Severus wanted to reach out to him, to hold him, but Harry hadn't asked him to, so he didn't.
Harry blinked the tears away, rubbing with his sleeve where they had already escaped and were starting to run down his cheeks.
Severus watched Harry take a deep breath and then turn back to Lupin, standing guard by his lover's bed, following the scene with his eyes and not moving any other part of himself.
When he spoke, his voice was a little wobbly and unsure.
"Remus, I'm going to be fine. Really. And you have to believe that it wasn't your fault. It was no one's but his. I just, I need a little time to get my head around the situation, but physically I'm fine now. The rest will come later, but it will come."
Severus watched Harry bow his head, look at his hands – clasped once more on his lap – and begin to twist them about.
Glancing up, he saw Lupin standing there, obviously shaken and more than a little upset, but there was something else in those eyes. It looked eerily like pride and little bit of relief.
"You're right, Harry. And I'm sorry. I'm going to go now, give you some time alone with Severus. I'll see you some time later."
Harry nodded, still not taking his eyes away from his hands, and Severus looked at the werewolf and nodded his thanks for the privacy.
When they were alone and Harry finally looked up, suddenly Severus understood Lupin's pride and relief.
Harry hadn't changed, at least not in any way detrimental to his personality. He was still the headstrong, sometimes over-emotional, always doing before thinking, Gryffindor with Slytherin roots. And he was still the young man who thought of everyone before himself.
He was still the person that he had fallen in love with, still his baby, still his lover in the truest sense.
He was still Harry Potter, and that hadn't changed at all.
Severus had been afraid that it might have turned Harry into a palimpsest of himself, but it seemed instead that it had just added a new chapter onto his life.
He realised that Harry was staring at him staring at Harry and smiled.
"I'm proud of you, baby."
Harry held out his arms, smiling himself, a bright tinge to his cheeks.
Severus slipped into the gap and held his lover close.
"I mean it, you know," he whispered, and he felt Harry tighten his grip, and sigh, happily this time.
There was that calm he had been looking for.
A/N – Do you see now why I'm not too happy with it?
Well, any suggestions, review with them.
As to my latest reviews, Glomps and thanks go to:
Minerva-Severus-Dumbledor – Thank you very much indeed! :)
Barbarataku – WOW! You didn't want me to get pissed off? I think the opposite happened! I'm so flattered that I could evoke so much emotion in someone! I think I agree with you in that this is my stress-busting story. It helps relieve the tension and stresses of, you know, The Real World (dah, dah, dahh!). Anyway, thanks again, and wow a couple more times. You made my day when I read your review!
Caster – Muchas gracias!
Sirius's Secret Lover – Sirius' Secret Widow, should I say? I really liked that. Anyway, thanks! I'll try to write more ASAP. :)
The Goddess Artemis – Yes, the wonky was just… something I was inclined to add. It was how I saw it in my head. P.S - I loved your Snow White tale. I'm having serious thoughts about taking up your challenge.
Witchblade Hell – As you can see, not the last chapter. No, there's going to be quite a bit more to come. Don't try to ask me much about it, though… er… anywho, Nice!Snape, yes, he's entirely OOC, but not only has his lover been attacked and raped, but he's under my spell, so he'll bloody well do as I say, and if that's mooning over Harry and calling him baby, well he shall do that…. Maybe I should go lie down? Thanks again for reviewing!
Gryvon – I look forward to you looking forward to more!
SiriusBlack44 – There will be even more Remus soon. I was debating the Remus part before, thinking of maybe putting his reactions in via another character, but your review encouraged me to keep on the track I was writing, so thanks! I think. Well, we'll soon find out.
Anyone else?
I'm not sure, but if you reviewed, consider yourself glomped and thanked!
R&R,
Xox,
Mia:)
