ACT I, Scene 2

----A room inside the castle.

(Enter CLAUDIUS *Grant, POLONIUS *Liz J, LAERTES *May, HAMLET *Kelly, and other servants and subjects, including VOLTIMAND *Marie and CORNELIUS *Alex)

KELLY: (dressed all in black, looking around frantically) Where's Danny?

DANNY: (off stage) I'm not coming out in this!

KELLY: But Danny! It's practically an entire cast of cross-dressers! You are the only one I could think of to play my mom, Gertrude!

DANNY: I don't care!! I'm not going on stage in this outfit! I am not a 16th Century ho!

KELLY: Danny! Don't make me come back there!!!

CAST ON STAGE: (gulp, stepping back from Kelly)

DANNY: ………Alright.

(GERTRUDE *Danny enters wearing brightly colored dress with a very large skirt, bright red curly wig, very generous makeup on his face not hiding the fact that he did not want to be there)

AUDIENCE: (laughing hysterically)

DANNY: (glare and blush simultaneously)

KELLY: Alright, let's get on with it!

GRANT: (very monotonously)  *ahem* Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death, the memory be green, and that it us befitted—

KELLY: (off to the side, but this time on stage) What are you doing??

GRANT: I'm saying my lines.

KELLY: Did you even *read* my script?

GRANT: No, I had my own copy of the play.

KELLY: _;;; If you hadn't noticed already, nitwit, I rewrote the bloody play. We're not going by the bloody original! (slowly slipping into a British accent as she does when she's really angry) Somebody get him MY script, will ya?

(a little person in black runs out with a giant book-like script and hands it to Grant)

GRANT: (looking very perturbed) Alright then. *ahem* Your king is dead and I have taken his place. I married his queen, set myself in the throne and command the subjects of Denmark to be happy and not sad. (looking more and more put off as he reads, finally saying under his breath gradually getting louder) This is absolutely ridiculous. How can you destroy the most famous work of the best playwright that ever lived?

KELLY: (stepping aggressively forward) Do you want me to recast your part? I could go and get Jared, or Marc Kimball, or maybe even Ibe? Now do you want this part or not!?!?

GRANT: O-O;;  Alright, alright, I'll do it!

KELLY: (mumbling) I am *so* glad I get to kill you in the end.

TONYA: (off stage) Don't give away the ending!! Some of us have never read or seen this play, you know!

KELLY: -_-;;;; Can we get back to business?

GRANT: I know that since your king has died, you should be sad, but come on! I, your new king, just got married! So let's party!!

ENTIRE COURT: WOOHOO!! YEAH!!

GRANT: (looks stunned at script, glances nervously at Danny who is still very uncomfortable)

DANNY: (notices the way Grant is looking at him and also looks hard then stunned at script)

GRANT: Is this some sort of joke? Casting two males as husband and wife?! I'm not doing this stage direction!

DANNY: I won't let him do it either!

KELLY: (stomps up to the both of them, whacks them in the back of the head) Listen! It's a FREAKING play!! Doing this doesn't mean you guys have feelings for each other in real life. What do you think happened back in the day when Shakespeare was still alive? When the entire company was made up of men?

GRANT: Well, I live in the 21st Century, not the 16th, and I am NOT going to do that to another guy!

KELLY: (grabs their heads and shoves them into a kiss, they squirm like mad, and finally she lets go)

GRANT and DANNY: THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!! (they both start wiping their mouths off with their sleeves vigorously)

KELLY: Well, it's over! Now continue the scene! (storms back to her spot on the side of the stage)

GRANT: ……………… (glances at Danny)

DANNY: ……………… (glances at Grant)

GRANT: (adjusts his collar as if it is strangling him) Alright then. (shuffles through the script) Anyways, Forty, jr. is pissed at us for stealing his father's land and thinks that King Hamlet's death will cause chaos among us –

ON STAGE CAST: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

BACKSTAGE: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AUDIENCE: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

GRANT: -- so he's coming to take them back by force. I have written a letter to his crippled uncle about his rebellious behavior asking him to stop it, and want you – Voltimand and Cornelius – to bring it to him.

MARIE and ALEX: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

GRANT: (shouting) I said, Voltimand and Cornelius!!

KELLY: (not so indiscreetly nudges them both forward, but they're out cold, causing them to fall flat on their faces)

MARIE and ALEX: ~THUD~ OW!

KELLY: It's. Your. Cue.

MARIE and ALEX: Oops… (blushing wildly, they scramble up in front of Grant, look at script) Uh… Yes sir! (Alex mocks a salute, Marie hits him in the stomach and drags him off stage)

GRANT: Thanks, bye. So, Laertes, wassup? Ask me for anything and I'll give it to you because no one is closer to me than your father.

DANNY: (looks hurt)

MAY: (looking absolutely ecstatic because she gets to be in the play, leaps into Grants arms)

GRANT: O-O;;;; OOF!!

MAY: (speaking like a five-year-old) I want a choo-choo train, and a Barbie, and a hot wheels motorbike… oh, and don't forget my super-sized flamethrower/Uzi/saber again, Santa. OK?

GRANT: Get off!!! (throws her to the floor)

MAY: (lands on her feet) Sorry, I just had the urge…

LIZ E: (off stage) Urge? (jumps on stage with a conga line of buff men in black with a bottle of Herbal Essences, who all start singing) She's got the urge to herbal… She's got the herbal in the shower… For another half an hour… She's got the urge!!

ALL BUT KELLY: O_O;;; What the hell??

KELLY: (head down shaking back and forth, one hand on forehead)

LIZ E: (head completely lathered up in Herbal Essences shampoo, being spun around in a rolling chair, looking like she's on cloud nine)

KELLY: *ahem* (steps into center of stage, takes a dee~~p breath) CAN WE GET BACK TO THE PLAY NOW!?!?!?

EVERYONE: (blink, blink, blink)

KELLY: Thank you. (returns to specific place)

MAY: Right. I came to your lovely little coronation, and now I wanna go back to France. I got some good stuff going on back there.

KELLY: You sound like a freaking pimp or drug dealer or something.

MAY: (grin)

GRANT: Does your dad say you can go?

MAY: I don't care!

KELLY: May! That's not in the script!

MAY: Oops… (blush)

LIZ J: Yay! My first line! Um… (looks at script) Yeah, he can go. …… Aw, that's it? My only line? That's CRAP!!

KELLY: You're one of the main parts in the play. Shut your trap.

LIZ J: Oh, sorry.

GRANT: OK, take your time, Laertes. Now go away. Now, Hamlet, my son—

KELLY: (still off to the side, but on the stage) You're no family of mine!!

GRANT: Why do you stay in the dark?

KELLY: (stepping out of shadows and up to Grant) Actually, I'm in the light too much.

DANNY: (talking quietly) Aw, come on, Hammy. Be happy! I remarried! Your father *is* dead, but you know that what lives will eventually die. It happens all the time!

KELLY: (sarcastically) Yeah, all the time. (rolls her eyes)

DANNY: But why does it seem to be bugging you so much?

KELLY: Seems? I don't know the meaning of that word! My dad's fucking dead! (May's chuckling can be heard in the background) It's not what I wear on the outside that makes me depressed, but what I feel on the inside! My clothes just show my feelings!

GRANT: (looking like he doesn't want to bothered by all this) That's nice, Hamlet. But right now, you must be happy for your mom and me. I know you want to go back to school in Wittenberg, but can't you stay here with us as our favorite son?

DANNY: Yeah, please stay.

KELLY: OK, I'll do it for you, Mom.

GRANT: That-a-boy. (pats Kelly on the back a little too hard, causing her to lurch forward and regain balance) Well… (rolls his eyes with disgust at Danny) *babe*. (glances at Kelly who nods, telling him to do what the script says, so he swiftly slaps Danny's butt)

DANNY: O_O (blushing, steps cautiously away from Grant)

EVERYONE: (laughing hysterically)

MAY: (laughing so hard she falls with a THUNK off the chair she sat down on after her line)

GRANT: Let's grab everyone and go party till the cows come home!

MAY: -_-;; ……… We're in Denmark. I don't think the cows will come home very soon.

GRANT: I think that's the point – a long party.

MAY: Ah, right. (blush)

(All exit but Kelly, who steps into the center of the stage)

KELLY: O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt,

               Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!

               Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd

               His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! –

DAVE: ?_? What'd she just say??

KELLY: -_-;;;;; Don't make me kill you.

DAVE: ……… *That's* what that meant?

EVERYONE: (annoyed) DAVE!!!

KELLY: (seething) No, *Dave*. Let me summarize for you.

DAVE: Eh?

KELLY: I'LL SAY IT SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND IT!!

DAVE: (shrink) Right.

KELLY: I'm pissed that my mother would cry for my father for such a short time, then marry his brother so soon after. I want to kill myself, but it's a mortal sin, and since I'm so damn religious, that means it's too big a no-no for me to even consider it. I won't say anything to Mom, or that sorry excuse for an uncle either.

(Tonya and Shelly step onto stage, stop, turn around and grab Dave to drag him on with them)

SHELLY: Hail to your lordship!

KELLY: Horatio! Hey! Wassup?

SHELLY: I'm glad to see you too, and I'm at your service.

KELLY: No, I'm at *your* service. Just be my friend. What brings you here from school? Marcellus?

(silence)

KELLY, SHELLY, and TONYA: (roll their eyes)

KELLY: (sigh) Dave, once again, you are playing Marcellus. Am I gonna have to write your name on your hand or something?

LIZ E: (off stage) You *know* that's a good idea!

KELLY: (glare) Dave, just say your line.

DAVE: Uh, K… My lord—Lord? But you're a girl!

KELLY: (claps herself on the head) If you hadn't noticed, we're doing a play here. I am playing a MAN!!

DAVE: Right, right. Got it.

EVERYONE: (sigh)

KELLY: Hey there, Marcellus. Nice to see you. But tell me, why did you leave school to come here?

SHELLY: We've gone AWOL, sir.

KELLY: You're not the type of person who would do that! But either way, answer why you've come?

SHELLY: We came to attend your dad's funeral. Sorry.

KELLY: Don't play with me, I think you came to see the wedding.

SHELLY: True, I saw that soon after.

KELLY: Oh, *come on*! The food for the funeral was also used for the freaking wedding!! I think I see my father watching in detest.

SHELLY: (looking around, scared) Where!? Where?!

KELLY: (eyebrow raised) In my head.

SHELLY: Right……(blush) He was a cool dude.

KELLY: He was awesome, and I'll never see anyone like him ever again.

SHELLY: Well… not necessarily.

KELLY: Eh?

SHELLY: I think I saw him last night.

KELLY: O_O Heh??

SHELLY: We saw your papa on the watch last night…

KELLY: My papa!

BACKSTAGE: (giggle)

SHELLY: Don't get too excited yet. Wait until you can come with us so you can see.

KELLY: Please tell me! (grabs Shelly by the collar)

SHELLY: Alright!! Couple nights ago, Marcellus and Bernardo saw a figure that looked like your dad during their midnight watch. They were scared into jelly. He was dressed in armor, and they saw him three times. I went with them last night to prove them wrong, but I saw him, and since I knew him I know it was a perfect look-alike.

KELLY: Where? (lets Shelly go)

DAVE: Uh, where we watch at night, on the platform.

KELLY: Did you speak to it?

SHELLY: Yeah, but he never answered me. He ran away soon after.

KELLY: Weird.

SHELLY: No fooling. (holds up right hand to swear)

KELLY: Are you watching tonight?

TONYA and DAVE: Yep.

KELLY: He was wearing armor?

TONYA and DAVE: Yep.

KELLY: Head to toe??

TONYA and DAVE: Yep.

KELLY: Did you see his face?

SHELLY: Yes, sir. His visor was up.

KELLY: Did he look sad?

SHELLY: More sad than angry.

KELLY: White like a ghost, or red like a devil?

SHELLY: *Very* white.

KELLY: Did he look at you?

SHELLY: Yeah. (shudder)

KELLY: Damn! I wish I was there!

SHELLY: You would have been stunned.

KELLY: Did it stay for long?

SHELLY: No, just a short while.

TONYA and DAVE: Longer, longer!

SHELLY: Not when I saw it.

KELLY: He had a grizzly beard, right?

SHELLY: It was black with a bunch of gray.

KELLY: I'll watch with you tonight. Hopefully, it'll show up.

SHELLY: It should.

KELLY: Alright, I'll meet you guys around eleven. Now, don't tell anyone what you saw or what you will see tonight. I'll talk to the being if it really looks like Dad. I'll see you then.

ALL BUT KELLY: We promise.

KELLY: Later.

(Tonya and Shelly, drag Dave off the stage as they exit, leaving Kelly by herself)

KELLY: The only thing that would keep my dad's soul around is an evil deed. I smell a rat, and if I'm right, THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY!!! (exit)