ACT I, Scene 3

----A room inside Polonius' house.

(May and OPHELIA *Ewan McGregor, wearing a large purple dress, enter)

KELLY: O_O  WHO FORGOT TO TELL ME *HE* WAS IN THE PLAY?!?!?!? (suddenly appears on stage next to Ewan)

EWAN: (in his beautiful Scottish accent) Oh, are you a fan?

KELLY: (nods a little *too* enthusiastically) Of course! I think you're absolutely FANTASTIC!! (GLOMP!)

EWAN: O_O Oomph! (struggles underneath Kelly, who seems to be molesting him)

MAY: O_O;;; Um… Let's hope he doesn't slap a restraining order on your ass… Wait, maybe you wouldn't mind that too much, considering you would like it if he slapped anything on your ass…

KELLY: (suddenly realizes she's on stage, freezes, blink stunned, smiles, jumps off of Ewan) Um, let's get back to the play. Ehehe…. Right. (disappears suddenly with a *poof*, leaving a cloud of dust where she used to be)

MAY: Right… (glances at script) Well, I am going back to France and I'm all packed and ready to go. You can write me whenever you want, but before I go, I want to know that you will.

EWAN: (speaking in a very female voice) Of course I will, Laertes. What makes you think I wouldn't?

MAY: (mumbling) Well, the fact that Kelly would keep you in bed forever kind of tells me…

KELLY: *AHEM!!*

MAY: I mean… (glances at script and begins to chuckle) Hamlet wants to bed you faster than you could say "Shite!"

EWAN: He wouldn't do that! He's been very sweet to me.

MAY: Of course he's been sweet! He wants to get in your pants!! Once he's had you, he'll move on. He's a prince, right? He could have any girl he wants any day of the week. He's probably gotten laid by about ten or eleven girls behind your back.

EWAN: Well, I'll remember what you said, but I won't believe you until I see it for myself, and I know I won't. I am very skeptical of advice that comes from someone who doesn't take it himself.

(Liz J enters)

MAY: Well, fine. Believe what you want, but just keep it in mind. I'm late for my … er… voyage back to France. I'll see you again soon, sis.

LIZ J: (looks confused at script) Um, how do you say this?

MAY: (whispering) Lay-er-tees.

LIZ J: Ah. Laertes, are you still here? You should be sailing back by now! Well, I guess I could give you a little advice before you leave. First, you have my blessing. Next, you must remember to be nice. Don't flaunt your money about in foolish decorations. Whatever you do, do not lend anything to anyone, and don't borrow either. You know interest can build up faster than… well, you get my point. Don't tell secrets and don't spread gossip. It may come back and bite you in the ass one day.

MAY: Alright, Dad, I'm leaving now.

LIZ J: Yes, you have to go now.

MAY: Bye. Ophelia, remember what I said.

EWAN: Yeah, I will.

MAY: See you all in Act four!! (zips off stage)

KELLY: Ugh, you're not supposed to tell them when you'll be back!!

MAY: Hehe, I don't give a shit!

KELLY: (whips out flamethrower and aims at May)

MAY: (whips out beam cannon and aims at Kelly)

KELLY and MAY: Grrrr….

MAY: Don't make me sick my anime troop on you.

KELLY: Like I would be afraid of a bunch of CARTOONS!

MAY: (glare) …………trans. "I wanna kill you…"

EWAN: May we continue?

KELLY: (melt)

MAY: -_-;;; Oi…

LIZ J: OK. What did Laertes say to you?

EWAN: Just some stuff about Hamlet.

LIZ J: Ahh, good. I've heard about his interest in you. Has he made any moves?

EWAN: Yes. He's very nice. (smile mischievously)

LIZ J: Nice! Ha! He just wants to get laid. Do you think he wants you for you?

EWAN: (glaring at Liz J) Yes, he really loves me. Why does everyone think it's all about sex??

DAVE: (off stage) Isn't that what life *is* all about?

LIZ E: (sitting next to Dave, smacks him hard on the back of the head)

DAVE: x_X (falls on floor unconscious)

LIZ E: (grin)

LIZ J: You're not old enough to be in a relationship. If you run around with that boy, you'll make a fool out of yourself and a mockery out of me!

EWAN: But he's been honorable! No unnecessary advances at all!

LIZ J: (sarcastically) I'm sure.

EWAN: He is very true to his word and has promised himself to me in a way similar to marriage.

LIZ J: Ay, springes to catch wood… hehehe… cocks.

KELLY: GODDAMMIT!!! Why do I always miss those particular verses?!?! (stomps on stage with large black marker, grabs script, scribbles out phrase, flips through rest of script, scribbles here and there, hands it back to Liz J, and stomps off stage)

AUDIENCE: (chuckling very loudly)

KELLY: (pops head out from curtain and glares at audience)

AUDIENCE: (gulp!)

LIZ J: (looks at script) Now listen here, you. You are not to see him, speak to him, write to him, or even think of him! I'd better not catch you disobeying me either; you don't want to be on the receiving end of *that* stick if I do.

EWAN: (sighs forlornly) Fine. I won't.

(all exit)