ACT I, Scene 5

----Another part of the platform.

(Enter Kelly and Lauren from the ceiling. Kelly drops to the floor)

KELLY: Where are you taking me? I won't go any further.

LAUREN: (silence)

KELLY: Lauren, that's your cue.

LAUREN: Oh, right. (looks at script for first line) Listen to me.

KELLY: Yep, I'm listening.

LAUREN: It's almost time for me to return to my own personal Hell. (mumbles) Oh no, not Geology lab!

KELLY: You poor thing!

LAUREN: I'll tell you everything, but only if you don't feel sorry for me.

KELLY: M'kay.

LAUREN: You'll seek revenge after this

KELLY: What, already!?

LAUREN: I'm your Dad's ghost, and I was sent to purgatory because of foul play. Listen carefully—

KELLY: (being overly dramatic) Oh God!

LAUREN: Avenge my murder!

KELLY: Murder!

LAUREN: Murder most foul.

KELLY: Tell me so I can kick some ass ASAP!

LAUREN: The story of my death is a poisonous snakebite. Well, the only snake that killed me has taken my position!

KELLY: My Uncle?? DAMMIT!!

LAUREN: Yep, that bastard that took my wife. My wife that made an unmovable vow of loyalty to me when we married. But, I think dawn is coming soon, so I must make this quick. Your uncle found me napping in the orchard and poured poison in my ear, which killed me. Whatever you do, don't let my brother put his hands on my wife! Oh, and don't say anything to your mom either; her sins will come back and bite her in the ass in the afterlife. Well, here comes the sun, so remember me! (glances at the ceiling, quickly unlatches her wires, drops to the floor safely, and walks of stage, leaving a trail of white powder, mumbling) I'm not taking one more chance with those idiots up there. I've already got a bump the size of Alaska…

KELLY: (mumbles) Smart move. (rubs the back of her head tenderly, then speaks normally) I will remember everything and I swear to avenge your death!!

(Shelly and Dave enter)

SHELLY: My lord—

DAVE: Er, lord Hamlet—

SHELLY: Heavens secure him!

KELLY: Alrighty.

DAVE: Am I *really* supposed to say this? I'll sound like fucking Santa Claus!

SHELLY: (glares) Watch your mouth and say the line.

DAVE: Eep! Hillo, ho, ho, my lord!

KELLY: Hillo, ho, ho, *boy*! I'm over here!

DAVE: Are you alright?

SHELLY: What happened?

KELLY: Wonderful!

SHELLY: Tell us.

KELLY: I don't trust you to keep it. (eyes Dave in particular)

SHELLY: I won't tell.

DAVE: Me either!

KELLY: You promise to keep it secret? (moving aggressively towards Dave) If I hear one word out of someone's mouth regarding this, I'll have your neck---

DAVE: (steps back, nearly falling on his ass)

SHELLY and DAVE: We promise!!

KELLY: There's never a villain in Denmark.

SHELLY: Well, a ghost doesn't need to tell *us* that.

DAVE: Yeah, don't be so obvious.

KELLY: (glares menacingly at Dave) True, that's true. But, I must go now, and do what I have to do.

SHELLY: Are you alright? 'Cause you're not making any sense.

KELLY: Sorry.

SHELLY: That's OK.

KELLY: Well, the ghost is truthful. But if you want to hear what happened, do one thing for me.

SHELLY: What?

KELLY: Don't *ever* tell anyone what you saw tonight.

SHELLY and DAVE: We won't tell.

KELLY: Swear it.

SHELLY: I won't.

DAVE: Me either.

KELLY: Swear on my sword.

MAY: (off stage, looking around frantically) Sword? Where? I want!

LIZ E: (subduing May)

SHELLY and KELLY: (rolls eyes)

DAVE: We already swore.

KELLY: Swear on my sword!

LAUREN: (below the stage) Swear!

KELLY: Ha ha! Listen to him!

SHELLY: Tell us what to say.

KELLY: (holding out a big shiny sword) That you won't ever speak of this night to anyone, swear on my sword.

LAUREN: (still beneath the stage) Swear!

KELLY: Hic et ubique?

DAVE: Heh???

KELLY: It means 'Here and everywhere'……… We'll move somewhere else. Quick! Come over here and touch the sword while you swear.

LAUREN: (yep, still below) Swear!

KELLY: Well then? Swear! Or else the ghost will getcha!

SHELLY: This is getting *really* weird!

KELLY: Welcome it! There are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Now just remember that you can't tell anyone about the ghost, and if I seem a little bonkers, don't – I repeat, DON'T – check me into a nuthouse.

LAUREN: (yeah, yeah, you know) Swear!

KELLY: Calm down, ghosty. My friends will be quiet and never tell a soul. Let's go inside now; time has flown by. I will set the wrong right!! Let's go together.

(exit)

Tune in next time for Act 2!!