Title: Another Shakespeare Parody

Author: Tabitha Wexley (Kelly)

Warnings: May get EXTREMELY weird, silly, and quite outrageous at times throughout the play. Harsh language, threat to bodily harm, and mild violence used. No lifeguard on duty. Proceed at your own risk.

Disclaimers: Of course, I do not own Ewan McGregor… If I did, everyone knows where I'd be… Scotland. However, if he ever happens to read this, I may end up with a restraining order to stay about 100 yard away from him and every member of his family… :-D

ACT II, Scene 1

----A room in Polonius' house.

 (Enter Liz J with REYNALDO *Anna)

LIZ J: Reynaldo, give him this money and my notes.

ANNA: Sure thing!

LIZ J: You should do well, and while you're there, ask people about his behavior.

ANNA: I was going to do that anyway.

LIZ J: Good. First ask them which Danes are in Paris, then how, and what means they keep, and where they stay. Who do they keep company with and how much it costs them. This should seem very random, and slowly drift towards asking about my son (Laertes, of course). Make it seem like you have a very distant connection to him, like knowing his friends, father, and technically him.

ANNA: Alright, then, sir.

LIZ J: And make sure you mention that you don't know him well. You can even lie about all you know about him… but not so much to diss him.

ANNA: I get it.

LIZ J: You can even go so far as to say he drinks, curses, gets into a bunch of fights--

ANNA: But I thought I wasn't supposed to diss him…

LIZ J: No, no! I'm not saying you should say that he is very "free spirited." (she says the quotes making quote marks with her hands) I'm saying mention he's not perfect, but subtly.

ANNA: Um, but…

LIZ J: Will you do this? Will you know where to go?

ANNA: Yeah, I would. (looks backstage at smiling Lauren, waves) Hi, moomie!

KELLY: (head drops with a sigh)

LIZ J: And make sure he says something like "Good sir," or "friend," or "gentleman."

ANNA: Alrighty.

LIZ J: And then he should… He should do… Damn, I forgot what I was gonna say…

MELISSA: (off stage, cheerfully shouting) Just check the script like everyone else!

GRANT: (also off stage) Actually, that *is* in the script.

MELISSA: (glare)

ANNA: You were saying "good sir, friend, or gentleman."

LIZ J: Riiiight. He should wrap up by saying, "Yeah, I saw him the other day doing such-and-such," or "with so-and-so."

DAVE: (off stage, chuckling to himself) Or "doing so-and-so with such-and-such."

LIZ E: (hits Dave in the head again, this time with the full script… about 300 pages of it, knocking him off his chair)

LIZ J: (glances at the impending quarrel backstage, sighs, and continues) So, do you understand?

ANNA: Yep.

LIZ J: Good, g'bye.

ANNA: Byee!

LIZ J: (as Anna is leaving) Make sure you check him out yourself!

ANNA: Yes, sir!

LIZ J: And make sure he studies his music!

ANNA: (getting annoyed) Yes. Sir.

LIZ J: Farewell!

(exit Anna, enter Ewan)

LIZ J: Ophelia! What's wrong?

EWAN: I've just gotten the bejesus scared out of me!

MICHELLE: (off stage, grinning) He said 'Bejesus!'

MAY: -_-;; Yes, he did. (fighting back the urge to cause a violent tantrum)

LIZ J: What scared you?

EWAN: Hamlet just came into my room, disheveled, shirt hanging open—

ALL: O_O But, Hamlet's a… girl!

EWAN: --his clothes were a mess, like he'd been scared to death or in a bad fight. He was deathly pale and came to tell me his horrifying tale.

LIZ J: Mad for thy love?

EWAN: I have no idea, but it was frightening.

LIZ J: What'd he say?

EWAN: (under his breath, speaking of Kelly instead of her character) He practically raped me right there… (normal) I mean, he grabbed me forcefully, studied my face intently for a long time, and finally sighed, letting me go. He closed his eyes and walked out the door without opening them once, but turned back to look one last time at me.

LIZ J: Come on, we'll tell the king about this. It seems Hamlet is going crazy out of love, which can make us do strange outrageous things. Have you said anything to make him upset lately?

DAVE: (off stage) He probably told her that he wouldn't sleep with her.

KELLY: (shoots a glare at him so strong, he felt it without even looking at her, and runs to hide in the men's bathroom… in the next building)

EWAN: No, I didn't say anything to him, but I did stop taking his letters like you told me to do, and refused to see him.

LIZ J: Well, *that's* what has gotten him upset! I have been too hasty and I never saw how he treated you. I thought he was going to screw you as soon as he got you alone! My bad! We'll just go tell the king. It's obvious he loves you, and if we hide it, it will cause horrible hatred. Telling it will not do as much harm.

(all exit)