ACT III, Scene 2
----A hall in the castle.
(Enter Kelly, Pam and Kristen)
KELLY: Here's the speech I wrote for you. Read it to the letter and act it naturally. Do not under- or overact. Make sure you are gentle but powerful. The meaning of this must be portrayed perfectly for this to go over well. Understand?
KRISTEN: Clear as crystal.
KELLY: Good.
MAY: (offstage, getting restless) Argh… when's the killing gonna start?! I want some fucking carnage!!
MELISSA: (offstage) Wow. She's as bloodthirsty as I am in a hockey game. Why didn't I meet you when I was in Danbury?
MAY: Kelly didn't know me.
MELISSA: Right, that's why. We should get together sometime – discuss some battle plans.
MAY: Sounds cool. You into anime?
KELLY: AHEM!! Shall I continue? Or would you guys like to become the center of the rest of the play?
MELISSA: Um, I'm fine.
MAY: Yeah, no problem here.
KELLY: This is getting ridiculous! (walks up to edge of stage and addresses all the readers at their computers) And you people expect this to be interesting to act in reality? Half of us would be dead by now! (sigh) If you guys figure out a way to make all this work out for real… (glances at Ewan) and find a way to get him here, (smiles) then, please let me know. Maybe then we can find out if this would really make it on the stage or in front of the camera. Right now, let's just get on with this nonsense and get to the end of it before I have an aneurysm…
LIZ E: (offstage) Gee, it was only a suggestion to act this out for real. I knew it wouldn't be as perfect as it is on paper… (shrugs)
KELLY: (sigh) Alright. Here we go. *ahem* Now remember, I want this performed to the T – by *all* of your troupe. When it says to be subtle, I want it subtle. Do not exaggerate, do not try to provoke an emotion from the audience, just follow script. OK?
KRISTEN: OK, sure thing.
PAM: Yeah, no prob.
KELLY: Thank you so much. Now, off you go to prepare. I hope to enjoy this! Good luck!
(Kristen and Pam exit)
(Liz J, Doug and TJ enter)
KELLY: Hey there! Is the king going to watch the play I've arranged?
LIZ J: He and the queen are awaiting its performance.
KELLY: Good, tell the players to hurry up.
(Liz J exits)
KELLY: (gritting her teeth) You two go help him hurry them.
DOUG: Why should I?
TJ: It's in the script. We're supposed to go.
DOUG: But I don't have to, do I? I don't wanna do this anymore. I finally read the play, and our deaths are coming up soon!
TJ: Yes, but she doesn't kill us on stage. Horatio reads about our deaths in a letter from Hamlet. Besides, since she's our killer, do you *really* wanna piss her off right now?
DOUG: … I see your point. OK.
DOUG and TJ: We will, my lord.
(Doug and TJ exit)
KELLY: (giggles to herself under her breath) Heehee, that's what *they* think! (normal) Yo!! Horatio, you there?
(Shelly enters)
SHELLY: Hey there!
KELLY: Horatio, you are my best friend—
LIZ J: Hey!! I thought *I* was your best friend! (begins to cry)
KELLY: You are!! It's what I'm supposed to say in the play!!
LIZ J: (stops crying) …Oh. Sorry.
KELLY: Horatio, you know you are my best friend.
SHELLY: Aw, shucks.
KELLY: I'm not trying to flatter you, believe me, I'm honest. (looks at script in horror at length of speech, takes a few seconds to sum up) Um… (scrunches up her face in thought) Right. You are truthfully my best friend, right? (Shelly nods) Good. Now, this play tonight is very special. The king will be watching something that he is not expecting. I would like it if you watched him instead of the play tonight, please? If he reacts in any excited way, make note of it. I'll check with you later to make sure we both saw it. This is very important to me, so watch him carefully, alright?
SHELLY: Right-o.
KELLY: Good, now go find a place to sit. (pats Shelly on the back)
(For once, the cued taped is activated and a special song is played to signal the start of the play. Grant, Danny, Liz J, Ewan, Doug, TJ, and extras all come in and sit on one side of the stage to watch the play. Grant sits in the center of the row of tall throne-like chairs, Danny to his right, an empty seat next to him, Liz J on Grant's left, Ewan next to her. All the other extras sit on the floor in front of them in neat rows on cushions. Kelly looks schemingly at the audience, straightens up, turns and walks towards the last row.)
DAVE: (offstage) Hey, I wanna watch the play, too! (leaps out onto the stage and takes his own place on the floor)
LIZ E: (glances at Kelly and shrugs) Do you mind if we come out too?
KELLY: (shaking her head annoyed) No… Go ahead. (sigh)
(All of cast not already on the stage for one purpose or another march onto the stage and sit themselves on the floor to watch the play within the play. Everyone notices Lauren has attached herself to Colin's arm and looks as though nothing could pull her away.)
KELLY: (glancing at the lot of them… and there are a LOT of them… and sighs defeatedly)
GRANT: How is our cousin Hamlet?
KELLY: In a way, I'm great!
GRANT: In a way? What's that mean?
KELLY: (to Liz J) Doesn't matter. Sir, you were an actor in college, right?
LIZ J: No… I wanted to be an architect for a while…
KELLY: In. The. Script.
LIZ J: Oops, right. Uh, yeah, I did a little acting here and there. Some say I was quite good.
KELLY: What did you perform?
LIZ J: I was Julius Caesar. Brutus killed me in the Capitol.
SHELLY: (laughs)
MAY: What's so funny?
SHELLY: This is Shakespeare's Hamlet we're performing. Polonius just said he once acted as Julius Caesar.
MAY: … Yeah…?
SHELLY: Shakespeare wrote a play called Julius Caesar. Get it? Shakespeare was advertising his older plays in his newer ones!
MAY: Oh! I get it! (laughs)
KELLY: It must have been a brute of a part to kill such a cow as yourself—
LIZ J: Hey!!
KELLY: (holds up script in defense) The script!! It's in the script!!
LIZ J: That better be…
KELLY: Yeesh. It must have been a brute of a part to kill such a cow as yourself. Are the players ready?
TJ: Yep. Ready and waiting for your signal.
DANNY: Come here, Hamlet. Sit by me, your loving mother.
KELLY: (glances at Danny then at Ewan and back again… looks directly at Ewan as a hungry wolf would his dinner) No, Mom. I'm sitting with something more attractive. (beelines directly to Ewan's chair)
LIZ J: A-ha!! Did you hear that! (tries to make her earlier point)
KELLY: (kneeling on the floor at Ewan's feet, looking seductively at him) Lady, shall I *lie in your lap*?
EWAN: No, my lord.
KELLY: I mean my head in your lap.
EWAN: Ay, my lord.
DAVE: Wait!! You can't do that on stage!
MELISSA: What exactly are you talking about, Dave? (then it dawns on her) EEEW!! SICK!!
REST OF CAST: (suddenly realize what was implied) EW!!
KELLY: DAMMIT DAVE!! I wouldn't do *that* if you *paid* me to!! That is against my moral code! It's not what Shakespeare meant either! Now sit down and SHUT UP!!!
DAVE: (getting annoyed at being bashed about like an imbecile, sits down with a loud sigh)
KELLY: *ahem* Did you think I meant something else by that phrase?
EWAN: I think nothing.
KELLY: Well, I admit, it does please men to think about lying between a maid's legs.
EWAN: Excuse me?
KELLY: Nothing.
EWAN: You seem happy, sir.
KELLY: (head now resting on Ewan's leg) What? Who, me?
EWAN: Yes, you.
KELLY: Oh, well, it's the least a man can do, is be cheerful. Look at how smiley my mother is and my father died not two hours ago.
EWAN: No, he died four months ago.
DAVE: Whoa! That's a bit of a time difference! She must be nuts if four months is like two hours to her!
ALL ONSTAGE: SHUT UP!!
KELLY: It can't be that long! He died that long ago and isn't forgotten yet! There's hope! A man's memory may even outlive his life by a half year. But for a woman, they must build churches. What a hobbyhorse.
(Cued tape with trumpets on it sounds. Enter the players to perform a mime of the play. The King and Queen enter and look very affectionate to one another. They mime their vows of love to each other, and when the King lays down to sleep, the Queen leaves him. Enter another man looking evil. He takes off the King's crown, kisses it, and pours poison in the King's ear, leaving him to die. The Queen returns to find the King dead and looks very upset. The Poisoner comes in to comfort her while the body is carried away. The Poisoner woos the Queen, who is reluctant to accept, but finally accepts in the end. They exit.)
EWAN: What does this mean, lord?
KELLY: It means mischief.
EWAN: I hope this show has something to do with the plot.
(Enter extra to speak prologue)
KELLY: We'll know soon. This man shall tell us a little bit because the actors can't keep the secret; they would tell us everything.
EWAN: Will he tell us what this show meant?
KELLY: Yes, or any show that is shown to him. That is his gift.
EWAN: Oh, shut up. I wanna watch the play.
PROLOGUE: For us, and for our tragedy,
Here stooping to your clemency,
We beg your hearing patiently.
KELLY: Is this a prologue, or 'Ring Around the Rosy'??
EWAN: It's short, lord.
KELLY: Like a woman's love.
MELISSA: Hey! Don't say that! Almost everyone here is a woman!! You're dishonoring yourself and all your friends!
KELLY: Mel, it's just in the script. It's supposed to be funny. Please sit down and enjoy the rest of the play.
(Enter PLAYER KING *Kristen and PLAYER QUEEN *Pam.)
KRISTEN: (glances at script in horror) Do you really want me to read it this way?
KELLY: Just sum up. Everyone else has.
KRISTEN: Thanks. (looks at script puzzled) Um, could you help?
KELLY: (looks at script and realizes the problem) Holy shit!! That's confusing! (grabs Kristen's script and makes a few changes, then does the same to Pam's)
KRISTEN: (looks at script and smiles in relief) Oh, thank you! *ahem!* It's been a very long time since we were married and we're still together.
PAM: Yes, and nothing will stop our love. But you've been so sick lately, it makes me worry. But, my vow to you is everlasting and I will never break it.
KRISTEN: I know you won't. But when I die, you may find another—
PAM: No! Never! It would be treason to our love if I marry again! I won't do it! None wed the second but who killed the first.
KELLY: (to the audience) Wormwood, wormwood.
DAVE: Heh? What does that mean?
KELLY: (sighs) It was an herb used in absinthe that was supposedly hallucinogenic and poisonous. Kay?
DAVE: Kay.
PAM: I would only marry again for care, not love. I'd kill him if he tried to love me.
KRISTEN: I believe you. But I think you may rethink this vow when I do die and find another love.
PAM: No! Never! I'd die before then!
DANNY: (looking nervous)
KELLY: (to Ewan) Oh, if she should break her vow now!
KRISTEN: Well, I know you mean it. Now let me lay here a while so I can sleep a little. (lies down on bench and begins to 'sleep')
PAM: Sleep sweetly. (exits)
KELLY: Lady, how do you like the play so far?
DANNY: I think she protests too much.
KELLY: (slyly) Oh, but she'll keep her word.
GRANT: Isn't there some offense in the argument?
KELLY: Oh, they only kid.
GRANT: What is this play called?
KELLY: 'The Mousetrap.' It's set in Vienna. The king is Gonzago, his wife Baptista, and it is really very murderous. Most of us free spirits are not touched by it. The jaded, though, let them wince at it.
(Enter LUCIANUS *Traci)
DAVE: Hey! How come she hasn't been in the rest of the play?!?
KELLY: (smiling embarrassed) Er, well…. She just got back from Florida? ……… And I just wrote her in…?
DAVE: Right…
KELLY: This is Lucianus, the king's nephew.
EWAN: You are good at letting the audience know what is going on, lord.
KELLY: I could interpret between you and your love, if I could see the puppets dallying.
EWAN: You are confusing, but liked. You're very well liked. (smile)
KELLY: (blush) I don't know what the next line means, so I'm just gonna talk through it.
EWAN: …… OK. Better and worse.
KELLY: So, yeah. Begin murderer. Come: (sings) The croaking raven doth bellow for revenge.
TRACI: (laughing) OK, since this is my first time… Am I supposed to sum up or is there already a script with summaries on it? (little people in black enter with smaller script and hand to Traci) Ooh, thanks! (tosses big script to little people in black making them fall over in a domino effect off the stage) I'm really evil, teeheehee. There's no one looking and I have my poison mixed for the king's ear. Let my poison kill quickly. (pours the 'liquid' into Kristen's ear)
KRISTEN: (dies badly with loud choking and coughing noises, making large gestures)
LIZ E: Oh, just die already!!
KRISTEN: (glares at Liz E) I have barely any lines in this play, and now my character dies, so I'M MAKING THE MOST OF IT!!!! (falls off bench and goes silent)
LIZ E: Thank you! That's all you needed to do!
KRISTEN: (lifts her head and sticks her tongue out at Liz E, lets her head fall back to the floor)
KELLY: (sighs) He poisons him in the garden to get his inheritance. Now, just watch how he gets the love of the corpse's wife.
GRANT: (looks frightened and jumps out of his chair)
EWAN: Hey, the king's getting up.
KELLY: Frightened by false fire! Ha!
DANNY: Are you okay?
LIZ J: Stop the play!
GRANT: Give me some light! Go Away!
ALL: Light, light, light!!
(All exit but Kelly and Shelly)
KELLY: Aw, the king weeps so everyone follows him out the door. Well not me! (points to herself) Would this man not get a following in a cry of actors, sir?
SHELLY: Half of one.
KELLY: Oh, I think a whole one. For thou dost know, O Damon dear,
This realm dismantled was
Of Jove himself and now reigns here
A very, very –– pajock.
SHELLY: You could have rhymed that, you know.
KELLY: Oh I'll take your word for it. Did you see?
SHELLY: Yes, very well.
KELLY: Just when he poured the poison—
SHELLY: Yes, I saw the king.
KELLY: A-ha! Let's have music! I want to celebrate! If the king doesn't like the comedy, then he doesn't like it! Come! I want music! (begins to dance around and eventually grabs Shelly and tries to dance with her)
(Re-enter Doug and TJ)
DOUG: Sir, may we have a private word with you?
KELLY: A word? Why not a whole book! (laughs)
DOUG: The king, sir—
KELLY: What of him?
DOUG: Well, he seems to be very out of it right now.
KELLY: Is he drinking?
DAVE: (offstage) Drinking? Where! I want some alcohol!!
LIZ E: (grabs him and ties him to his chair)
DOUG: Uh… no. He seems sick.
KELLY: I think it would be smarter to tell this to his doctor instead of me. (pokes him in the forehead, making him angry) If you think I could be a doctor, I think I might make him even sicker.
DOUG: (pushing her hand away and speaking angrily) Don't. Do. That. You shouldn't be so angry with me; I didn't do anything.
KELLY: Oh, but I'm tame. Continue.
DOUG: Your mom is upset and sent me to you.
KELLY: Alrighty.
DOUG: Nay, I think you should go to her with an answer, otherwise I'll leave and this will be over.
KELLY: Hm… that line didn't make much sense… Um, right. No, I won't go.
DOUG: Why not?
KELLY: I'm not going 'cause I'm crazy! Any answer I give you can give her just as well.
TJ: (glances at script perplexed) Um, why isn't my line translated?
KELLY: I was getting lazy… Just read it.
TJ: …… OK… Then thus she says: your behavior hath struck her into amazement and admiration.
KELLY: How wonderful I must be to astonish my mother! But isn't there another who is also admired by my mother?
TJ: She wants to speak with you in her room before you go to bed.
KELLY: (sighs) Fine. I will… Is there anything else you want to discuss with me?
TJ: …… I'm *not* saying this.
KELLY: Well, it's in the script… reword it if you must, but you have to keep the same point.
TJ: Damn. (mumbling) Lord, you did love me once.
KELLY: _ (choking on these words) I still do. *hack, cough, gag*
TJ: My lord… why are you upset? (mumbling) Besides the fact that we just had to say that… (shudder) You throw away liberty if you can't even grieve to a friend.
KELLY: Sir, I lack advancement.
ALL: Heh??
KELLY: Just go with it.
TJ: (shrugs) How is that possible if you are to be the next king? The king says so himself.
KELLY: Ay, but 'While the grass grows,' – the proverb is a bit vague.
(Re-enter Pam and Kristen with recorders)
PAM: (playing with the fast-forward button on the recorder to hear her recorded voice played back in high pitch) Heehee! I love that we get to play with these!
KRISTEN: (holding a recorder that is more like a clarinet than anything electric, looking confused) Uh, Pam, I think they meant these. (holds out her recorder)
PAM: But that's a clarinet, not a tape recorder, silly!
KELLY: (begins hitting self in head repeatedly) Pam, she's right. That clarinet-like instrument she holds is called a recorder.
PAM: Really? (looks back and forth between recorders) Aw, damn!
(little people in black enter with her recorder prop and switch props with her)
PAM: I wanted to play with the tape recorder!
KELLY: (muttering angrily to herself) Never put people from the 21st century in a 16th century play and expect them to fully understand it…
KRISTEN: (consoles Pam a bit then tries to walk with her towards Kelly)
KELLY: (sighing) Oh, the recorders! Let me see one. (to TJ and Doug) Why do you wish to speak with me as if you wanted to piss me off?
DOUG: Oh, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my (gulp) lo-(gag)-ove *hack* is too unmannerly. (tugs at his collar)
KELLY: I don't really understand that. Will you play this pipe? (holds out recorder to Doug)
DOUG: I can't.
KELLY: Please. (pushes it at him again)
DOUG: I told you, I can't.
KELLY: I *beseech* you, play it. (getting pissed, thrusts the pipe at Doug angrily)
DOUG: I don't know how to play, sir.
KELLY: (yelling) Oh, but it's as easy as LYING!! All you do is put your fingers over these holes to create different notes, and to play all you have to do is put your mouth here and BLOW! Which is something I'm *sure* you know how to do.
ALL: (giggle)
DOUG: (looking a bit worried) But I don't have the skill to play.
TONYA: (offstage) Ain't that the truth.
DOUG: (glares at Tonya)
KELLY: Ah, but you know how to lie, don't you? Do you think I'm easier to play with than this pipe?!? Call me whatever instrument you want—
DAVE: (offstage) Flugelhorn!
LIZ E: (offstage) I didn't think you knew what that was, Dave.
DAVE: I don't, I heard her say it once and thought it sounded funny. (chuckles)
KELLY: (glare) – you can't play me and expect to get away with it.
(Enter Liz J)
KELLY: Bless you, sir!
LIZ J: What? (looks around confused) I didn't sneeze.
KELLY: You're not supposed to. It's just my line.
LIZ J: Oh.
KELLY: Just read your line.
LIZ J: The queen wants to speak with you right now.
KELLY: (looks up to the sky) Do you see that camel-shaped cloud up there? (looks a little crazy)
LIZ J: Um… (looks at Kelly in confusion) Yeah, it sorta looks like a camel…
KELLY: Oh, now it's a weasel.
LIZ J: I guess.
KELLY: Or maybe a whale.
LIZ J: OK.
KELLY: (looks back down at Liz J) Fine, I'll go to my mother. They try to fool me, but I will go to my mother by and by.
LIZ J: Yeah, she only said that so she can make her little 'pun' in the next line. Good. I'll tell her.
KELLY: Hehe. By and by is easily said. I don't know how that is a good pun, but hey, I couldn't figure out how else to use it.
(Liz J exits)
KELLY: Leave me, friends.
(Exit Doug, TJ, Shelly, Pam and Kristen)
SHELLY: (now offstage) Geez! I thought I was gonna be out there for-EVER without any lines!!
KELLY: Oops! I'm sorry, Shelly! I forgot you were still here!
SHELLY: Hmph!
KELLY: (blushes, then looks at script and begins to giggle madly) Heehee!! It is now the witching hour! Mwahahahaha!!
When churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world: now I could drink hot blood,
And do such bitter business as the day
Would quake to look on. Soft! Now to my mother.—
Oh heart, lose not thy nature; let not ever
The soul of Nero enter this firm bosom:--
DAVE: (offstage) Hehehe. She's talking about her boobs. Hehehe.
ALL: Dammit Dave!!! (all begin to attack him)
DAVE: (now bound and gagged to a chair, looking pitiful) Mmph mph mph mmmmph!!
LIZ E: No we won't. you don't deserve to be let go.
DAVE: Mph mmmmph!!
LIZ E: Don't you 'But Liz' me! You need to keep your hole shut! If you don't stop making a raucous, then we'll have to *really* hurt you.
DAVE: (gulp)
KELLY: Right… Let me be cruel, not unnatural:
I will speak daggers to her, but use none;
My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites,--
How in my words soever she be shent,
To give them seals never, my soul, consent!
ANNA: (offstage, munching on a cake given to her by her Pi Phi Big Sister) Did anybody get what she just said?
ALEX: (offstage) I'm confused…
KELLY: Can I just exit now?? It's the end of the scene!!
ALL: (nod)
KELLY: THANK YOU!! (Exits)
