ACT III, Scene 3

----A room in the castle.

(Enter Grant, TJ, and Doug)

GRANT: I'm not liking what's going on with Hamlet. We're not safe anymore. I have decided to send you two with him to England so we can keep this kingdom safe from his lunacies.

DOUG: We'll provide. We'll keep your kingdom and all people in it safe. Don't worry.

TJ: (looks over script in horror at it's length) Um… We'll protect this entire kingdom and especially you, Your Highness, 'cause if the king dies, everything around him dies too. The kingdom will be swallowed up with the death of you, sir.

ALL: Whoa, great summary.

TJ: (smile)

KELLY: (offstage) NO! Don't make his ego any larger than it already is!! If you do, it's likely the sheer size of it would kill us all!!

TJ: (glare)

ALL: (giggle)

GRANT: *ahem* Arm yourselves, and make this a speedy voyage. Take these letters to the King of England and leave Hamlet with him. Now go.

DOUG and TJ: We'll go quickly.

(Exit Doug and TJ)

(Enter Liz J)

LIZ J: (nervously) I'm not sure I wanna be this character anymore. Can I switch with someone?

ANNA: (jumping onstage) I haven't had much of a part, why don't I take it?

LIZ J: Great! (tosses script at her and tries to leave)

KELLY: (suddenly appears on stage barring Liz's exit) Liz, you can't do that. You've been Polonius since the beginning. You can't just switch now.

LIZ J: (looking sad) But I don't want you to kill me!!

ANNA: (eyes wide) ……… Wait a minute. You die? Your character dies? I don't want this part! (zips offstage again, dropping the script behind her)

LIZ J: (making a really sad face and whimpering) Why'd you cast me in a part that you kill?

KELLY: I didn't mean to! I had most of the main parts cast – Shelly had personally requested to be Horatio cause he's her favorite character – and I originally cast you as Osric.

LIZ J: Who's Osric?

KELLY: He's a courtier at the end of the play that watches Hamlet and Laertes fencing and kind of referees the match. But Osric is a really small part and I thought you'd want a bigger one. So I cast you as the only other major part I had left open! I totally forgot that my character kills him! I'm sorry! (leans in close and whispers) At least I don't *really* kill you. (winks)

LIZ J: (sadly) OK. Fine. I'll do it. (goes back to her mark, picks up the script, and speaks without feeling) My lord, Hamlet's going to his mother's right now. I'll hide in the closet to eavesdrop on their conversation. I'll see you before bedtime and tell you what I heard.

GRANT: Good, dear friend. Thank you.

(Exit Liz J)

GRANT: (tosses modified script aside and pulls out his copy of 'Hamlet' and begins to read the original speech) O, my offence is rank, it smells to heaven;

               It hath the primal eldest curse upon't,—

               A brother's murder!–– Pray can I not,

               Though inclination be as sharp as will:…

KELLY: (offstage) Oh crap. This is gonna take forever. Everyone whip out your sleeping bags!

(Everyone goes to their backpacks and whips out their sleeping bags, blankets, pillows, and the like and prepares for a long nap)

GRANT: … What if this cursed hand

               Were thicker than itself with brother's blood,—

               Is there not rain enough in the sweet heavens

               To wash it white as snow? Whereto serves mercy

               But to confront…

--(Quick summary: Claudius is confessing in the 'privacy' of an 'empty' room that he has truly killed Hamlet's father. The guilt is driving him crazy. Since everyone is asleep, I just thought I'd fast forward through his horrifyingly boring speech to spare everyone. If anyone has read Macbeth, this speech is much like the one Lady Macbeth makes while asleep. I.e.- Out, out damned spot.)

GRANT: …All may be well. (kneels by a cross)

(silence… some snoring)

EWAN: (the only one that couldn't sleep because Kelly had latched onto him during 'nap time') Er… Kelly? It's your cue…

KELLY: (snorts and clamps onto Ewan even stronger)

EWAN: (eyes bulging from her death grip) *cough* Kelly! Cue! You… on stage! Now! (grabs Kelly and shakes her violently awake)

KELLY: (blinking dreamily) Eh? Wha? O_O EEK! MY CUE!!! (~zip~)

(Enter Kelly)

KELLY: (hiding behind a wall observing Grant confess) Heeheehee! I could kill him now and never be suspect! Ah, revenge is sweet!… but wait. If he's praying, that means that if I kill him he would go straight to heaven! DAMMIT!!! I'll have to wait till he's sleeping or drunk or maybe angry. (whines) Dammit! I wanted to kill him now!!

(Exit Kelly, sulking)

GRANT: (appalled by Kelly's summarization, stands up) My words fly up, my thoughts remain below:

               Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

MAY: (offstage) DAMMIT!! NO MORE RHYMING!!

(Exit Grant with a massive irritation mark on his forehead, courtesy of May and Shelly Anime Art Co.)