ACT III, Scene 4
----Another room in the castle.
(Enter Danny and Liz J)
LIZ J: Hamlet is on his way. Make sure you tell him how his behavior has been taken – badly. Scold him the way a mother should. I'll hide myself in here. (points to closet that had been wheeled on stage) Be very curt.
KELLY: (offstage as directed) Mother, mother, mother!
DANNY: (irritated) Don't worry. Go and hide, I hear him coming.
LIZ J: (looks at closet then back to Danny) Do I have to hide now? Maybe I could entertain you for a while? (whips out three brightly colored balls and attempts to juggle) I can be very entertaining.
(Little people in black come out and grab Liz J by her elbows, causing her to drop her balls, and thrust her in the closet as she protests loudly.)
LIZ J: (from inside the closet) Alright, fine… I'll just stay in here… (sound of hammer and nails from inside closet)
DANNY: Uh… Liz? What are you doing in there?
LIZ J: (pokes her head out for a second) Does anyone happen to have a bulletproof vest or steel or similar?
(silence)
LIZ J: …No? Alrighty. (slams door… sound of sawing from inside)
ANNA: (offstage) Hey! I think she's trying to tunnel out!
ALEX: (offstage) Yeah! She's going down below!
KELLY: (jumping onstage and going to the closet) Dammit, Liz! I'm not going to really kill you! This has no effect on our friendship! Just let it happen!
(Sawing from inside closet stops)
LIZ J: Hey… there's someone else in here…
KELLY: …… Heh?
ALL: … Heh? (lean in for look)
(Liz J goes silent and everyone listens intently. In a few seconds, everyone begins to hear sounds of a quiet muffled struggle. People then realize…)
LIZ J: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!! LITTLE CARTOON GUYS SCREWING!! AAACK! GET ME OUTTA HERE!! (leaps out of closet and glomps onto Kelly)
KELLY: O_O;; (she soon collapses)
(Out of the closet leap Trowa and Wufei from Gundam Wing. Both are half clothed, and look very pissed off to be disturbed.)
MAY: WUFFY!!! (jumps on stage and glomps Wufei)
KELLY: (getting up from underneath Liz J and beginning to look a bit angry and confused) Trowa and Wufei! What the fuck are you doing here!?!?!
TROWA: ……………
WUFEI: We had a nice little time off from May's play and decided to get a little… *ahem* R and R in this closet. How were we supposed to know it was a prop in *your* play?
KELLY: GET THE HELL OFF MY STAGE BEFORE I KICK YOU ALL THE WAY TO THE SPACE ASYLUM!!!!
MAY: (squeezes Wufei tight making his eyes bulge) You can't hurt Wuffy!
KELLY: Make them leave now.
MAY: (sulking) Fine… Bye Wuffy! (squeezes him even harder then sends them on their way)
KELLY: Everyone get off the stage so we can continue with my play!!
ALL: (~zip~ offstage)
KELLY: (back offstage) Liz… get back in the closet.
LIZ J: (staring into the closet with hesitation) But those things' clothes are still in there!
(Suddenly, Chibi Legolas from Shelly's play drops from the ceiling into the closet and rummages. His laughing can be heard from the back of the theater. He abruptly jumps out with Trowa's and Wufei's pants slung over his shoulders, waving their socks above his head in triumph. With a 'Wheeee!!' he zips offstage.)
ALL: O_O;;; What the hell was *that*??
SHELLY: (offstage) Oh no… he's gotten himself some more socks…
MAY: …Socks?? (gulp… faint… nosebleed)
KELLY: (sigh) Oy vay! Get her some tissues and stop that bleeding!
(Little people in black Rescue Squad enter with a stretcher and a pound of gauze. They place May on the stretcher and take her off to the side, shoving the pound of gauze onto her face and pushing down hard to stop the bleeding. They don't realize what they are doing to May.)
KELLY: O_O;; STOP!! DON'T DO *THAT*!! You're preventing her from breathing!!!! LET GO!!!
(Little people in black stop, glance at each other, lift gauze to find May turning from a purplish color to her normal skin tone. They shrug, grab a few tissues from a stray Kleenex® box, and start patting and wiping her nose lightly.)
KELLY: (sighing with her head in her hands again) This whole thing is going to shit. (trudges offstage and slumps into a chair)
LIZ J: (back in closet with the door shut) Alright. I'm ready! (gulp)
KELLY: (gets back up and trudges onstage and not really acting anymore) Now, mother. What is the matter?
DANNY: Hamlet, you have really offended your father.
KELLY: Mother, *you* have really offended my father.
DANNY: Come, come, you answer me with an idle tongue. (I said that for future pun purposes only.)
KELLY: Go, go, you question me with a wicked tongue.
DANNY: What's wrong with you, Hamlet!?
KELLY: What's wrong now?
DANNY: Have you forgotten me?
KELLY: Why no, of course not. You are the queen; your husband's brother's wife. And – I wish it weren't so! – you are my mother.
DANNY: Um… it's written here that the editor did not know how to translate this line. 'Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak.'
KELLY: Come here and sit down. We'll find you a mirror to see your true self.
DANNY: (sitting down at Kelly's command) What are you going to do to me? You won't (gulp) murder me will you?? Help! Help me!!
LIZ J: (from inside closet) Help!! HE~~~LP!!
KELLY: (looking at the 'talking' closet) What? A rat? (draws sword and steps towards the closet) Die, evil wretch! DIE!! (begins to lunge forward, stops, and mumbles) Move to the … left, Liz.
(shuffle from the inside)
KELLY: WAAAAHH!! (lunges at closet and stabs the closet, sword going straight through the back of the closet)
LIZ J: (overdramatically) Help! Oh help, I'm slain! (falls out of closet onto the floor)
DANNY: Oh no! What have you done?
KELLY: How am I supposed to know? Is it the king? (eagerly hops over Liz's body)
DANNY: Oh, what a horrible thing you've done! What a bloody deed!
KELLY: Bloody deed! Almost as bad as kill a king and marry his brother!
DANNY: Kill a king?
KELLY: That's right! That's what I said! (to the dead Liz J) I thought you were the king, but it proved false. You leave this world wringing your hands, yet let me wring my mother's heart.
DANNY: What have I done that you accuse me so terribly?
KELLY: Oh, such an act that calls truth a liar! This is a sickening act!
TONYA: (offstage) WOW! That was a hell of a sum-up job!
DANNY: What act are you talking about?
KELLY: (whips out two pictures, one of Grant and one of Lauren) Look here on these pictures. They are pictures of – what seem to be – two brothers. (points to Lauren's picture) Look how this one was like the gods. What a combination of forms! Mercury, Mars, Jove and Hyperion! This was your husband, and every god seemed to set his seal to give the world assurance of man. (points to Grant's picture) Now look at this one. Your current husband, like a mildewed ear blasting his wholesome brother. Can you see this form? Would you exchange a raven for a dove? (And yes, that was taken from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream,' thank you very much.) (grin) You could not love this man, because the passion in blood as old as yours has tamed.
DANNY: Um… you done?
KELLY: (nod)
DANNY: Hamlet! Don't speak anymore! I can see into my own soul and I see horrible spots that can't be removed.
KELLY: (getting into a rage) Oh, but to live in that rank passion of a steamy bed! Created by corruption disguised by sweet honey!
DANNY: Stop talking like that! Stop! You kill me with each word! No more!
KELLY: A murderer and a villain! A devil's minion and nowhere near the worth of your first husband!
DANNY: No more! (begins to fall to floor with despair)
KELLY: A king of shreds and patches!
(Lauren can be heard mumbling curses from above the stage. Suddenly she drops from above with her hands over her face in anticipation of landing badly on the stage. She peeks through her fingers and sighs with relief.)
KELLY: Oh no, save me, oh heavenly being. What is your will?
DANNY: (looking confused) Oh God, he's crazy!
KELLY: Do you come to your son to punish and lecture? Say!
LAUREN: (looks at script) Remember, this visitation is to remind you that you promised not to bring your mother into this. She is in bad enough shape as it is. Speak to her.
KELLY: How are you, mother?
DANNY: What? How are you that you speak to invisible things? What are you looking at?
KELLY: Him! Look at how pale he is!
DANNY: Who are you speaking of?
KELLY: Can't you see him there?
DANNY: I don't see anything!
KELLY: And you hear nothing?
DANNY: Nothing at all but us!
KELLY: But look at how he runs away from us! Look at my father that goes to the portal to take him away!
(Lauren glances at script, looks scared, throws hands over her head and scrunches into a little ball as she is yanked upward through the ceiling. No sound is heard until we hear Lauren jumping for joy, shouting that she didn't get hurt this time.)
DANNY: You are creating this out of your cunning imagination. (Again, this next line is used so she can repeat it.) This bodiless creation ecstasy is very cunning in.
KELLY: Ecstasy!—
MAY: (groggily looks up from her coma) Ecstasy? Where? I didn't do it! (head falls back down with a THUD as she passes out again)
KELLY: (sigh) Ecstasy! My pulse is calm, not mad! (glances at script in horror at next long speech, notices quite a few throughout the rest of the scene, gets weak in the knees) Oh, screw it. Mom, I accused you of being involved in the conspiracy that killed my father, but now I say that you should tell everyone I am mad. Continue with the so-called 'king' as you would any other day. Don't worry, I'm really just playing with everyone until I can kill Claudius, mkay?
DANNY: (blink blink) Um… OK…
KELLY: Now, the king has given my school pals some letters to deliver and I must intercept them on my way to England. I shall be back soon enough. Adios, me mama!
DANNY: Er… bye.
(exit)
-- And that's it for Act three! *PHEW!!* That took longer than I thought. ^^;;; Stay tuned for the intermission!
