Another Shakespeare Parody: Hamlet

INTERMISSION (1)

(Kelly at the computer collapses from exhaustion. Her sister, Chrissy – AKA the head of the Little People in Black – comes in with her crew and drag her away to Shelly's Bishie Infirmary.)

SHELLY: (sitting at the reception desk – since May and her have taken a small break from their plays – looks up and frowns at Chrissy and the LPiB who carry Kelly) Heh? What happened to Kelly? She has a play to finish!

CHRISSY: Uh, well, she was feeling pretty pressured by everyone to crank out that last act and she just overworked herself. (holds out body)

SHELLY: Er… Tetei!! (runs off to find her lovely angel demon, leaving Chrissy to look confused)

CHRISSY: Now what am I supposed to do with *her*??

Meanwhile, back on the stage, Alex had untied Dave and brought him to the center of the auditorium to play some card games. Suddenly, Chibi Legolas from Shelly's play zooms by with four socks and a delighted squeal. Soon after, four full-sized naked men – later recognized as Ewan, Josh Hartnett, Aragorn, and Boromir – follow quickly, reaching after him. Each has one hand in the respective place to prevent certain females from gaping and chasing after them with their own paper bags. Most of the girls onstage start giggling, but Chibi Shewwy, Chibi May, and a double of Chibi Kewwy come racing in after their boys.

CHIBI MAY: Awagown! Come back hewe! We wanna pway!

CHIBI KEWWY: Ewan! Ewan! Ewan! (giggle) He's nakee! Wet's catch him!

CHIBI SHEWWY: Yeah! (giggle) I want Awagown and Bowomiw!

(Suddenly Melissa comes bolting out from behind the curtain squealing with delight.)

MELISSA: Josh! Josh! Come back! I'll give you a sock if you come with me!

(All four of the girls run offstage and everyone else sighs and produce sweatdrops.)

DAVE: (turns back to card game with Alex) Wow, Kelly never chased after *me* when we went out. You think she does that because he's an actor or because he's known as 'hot stuff?'

ALEX: Ah, I dunno. Who knows what happens to girls when a 'good-looking' guy jumps onscreen or walks by? No guy will ever know what goes through the female mind.

DAVE: I guess so.

(Yet again, another surprising appearance that was not expected, a flash of lightning struck the center of the stage and a phone booth suddenly pops up. The door opens and May – dressed in a long silvery trench coat and flashy sunglasses – steps out, coughing and waving the smoke out of her face. No one but Dave and Alex are around to ogle at the strange occurrence.)

DAVE: What the hell is that?

ALEX: Haven't you ever seen 'Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure'?

DAVE: (stares at Alex for a moment) I thought you were the one who didn't watch any TV or movies…?

ALEX: …… I don't. I just heard about it from Kelly. You know, she's a movie buff so she talks about every movie there's ever been. I've heard of everything from 'America's Sweethearts' to 'Zulu.'

DAVE: OK… But what about her? (points to May)

ALEX: What do you mean?

DAVE: Isn't Rufus supposed to be a guy?

ALEX: Um… yeah?

MAY: (takes off sunglasses and glares at Dave and Alex) You two. Up here. NOW.

(Dave and Alex climb onto the stage and stand next to the booth)

MAY: I have been chosen to bestow upon you a most awesome task. I assume you both know the movie 'Bill & Ted?'

ALEX: Yeah, but I've never actually seen the movie.

MAY: WHAT?! You've never seen it??? Have you two been living under rocks?!

ALEX: No, I just don't waste my time on movies and TV.

(In the Bishie Infirmary, where Kelly is under Tetei-sama's care, she lays unconscious. As Alex says 'waste my time on movies and TV,' she twitches violently before suddenly quieting.)

MAY: (head dropping in exasperation) You know the premise though, right? Two boys like yourself are in danger of completely changing the future of our world and are sent on a journey through time to save their asses.

DAVE: Uh… OK. So we're sent in that thing through time?

MAY: Um… not exactly. You will be using the booth, of course. But instead of traveling through time, you will be traveling through different genres of movies of different time periods, such as 'Jurassic Park' and '2001: A Space Odyssey.' Get it? You could end up in a documentary or a fantasy flick. Be careful what you type in, because you may not get what you wanted.

DAVE: But how do we know what we're typing in?

MAY: You have a phone directory, idiot. Like in the movie, you look up a movie and punch in the numbers for that title. A word of caution: READ THE SUMMARY so you know what you're getting into. K?

ALEX: Right, I'll be leaving now.

DAVE: Wait! I think this is awesome! I wanna do it! Come on Alex!

ALEX: Oh dear, I don't think this is such a good idea…

DAVE: (grabbing Alex by the elbow and dragging him to the booth) Of course it is! It's going out and seeing the world without paying a dime!

ALEX: (gives an annoyed look at May) I think I'd better keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't do anything… dumb. Then again, is there any power on this earth that can stop *that* from happening?

MAY: (giggle) I understand completely. Well, step into the booth, boys. Use the phone and you're on your way to an excellent adventure. Enjoy! (steps away from the booth and allows the two to enter)

(Dave and Alex enter the booth and Alex closes the door. Alex reaches for the phone book but Dave pushes him away, grabs the phone, and types in some numbers.)

ALEX: (turning with horror to May on the outside) Wait! How do we get back???

MAY: Type in the number for Hamlet Parody!

(The booth disappears with a flash of lightning. May turns to the empty audience and laughs maniacally. Once she finishes, she puts her sunglasses back on and moonwalks offstage.)

Meanwhile, in the circuits of movies…

DAVE: WOOH!! This is awesome!!

ALEX: Dave, where the hell are we going?

DAVE: How the hell should I know?

ALEX: I knew you were gonna do this! She said not to type in random numbers and what do you do? TYPE IN RANDOM NUMBERS!! You are such a moron!

(Booth suddenly lands in the center of a large plain covered in snow. They step out of the booth and look around, Alex nervously and Dave with excitement.)

DAVE: It's really quiet around here.

ALEX: I wonder where we are? Which movie would this be?

DAVE: How am I supposed to know?

ALEX: (slaps Dave on the back of the head quickly) Idiot.

DAVE: Why does everyone abuse me?!?

(Suddenly, over the next hill, a large, computer-generated wooly mammoth followed by many smaller computer-generated furry animals comes charging up. Alex looks freaked out and Dave doesn't even see them because he's looking the other way. Alex begins tugging on Dave's sleeve trying to say something as the animals get dangerously closer. Dave finally turns around and screams like a girl before jetting to the phone booth and dialing another number as fast as he can. Alex is right behind him.)

ALEX: Dial faster! Dial faster!

DAVE: I'm trying! I'm trying!! (hangs up the phone and slams the door shut) DONE!!

(The phone booth disappears as the boys scream.)

Back at the Bishie Infirmary…

(May has arrived after sending Dave and Alex on their way through movie hell and stripping of her costume, to find Shelly and the LPiB surrounding Kelly on an operating table. Tetei-sama is in charge and has been ordering around the lot of them to help him do his work. Zadei – an admirer of Tetei for a long while – stands at the back of the room watching him do his work.)

MAY: What happened to her? Why is she here?

SHELLY: She passed out because we were all trying to find out what happened to her third act and we  pressured her into exhaustion. Her sister brought her here because she didn't know where else to take her.

CHRISSY: Yeah, I figured you guys were the closest. I read some of your plays and heard that you had an infirmary and I realized that it had to be nearby the stage.

MAY: Well, I guess that was good thinking.

KELLY: (moans and rolls over)

SHELLY: Hey, was that a good thing? Does that mean she's coming out of it?

TETEI: Will you just let me do my job? There shouldn't be this many people in here at once! May, Shelly, leave! And you too, Chrissy!

CHRISSY: Me? What'd I do?

TETEI: All you people are close to her and would be worried if I did something that didn't seem right to you. Now just leave the LPiB here and I'll use them to help me. NOW GET OUT!!

(May, Shelly, and Chrissy leave looking upset. They walk out to the waiting area, whip out a box full of sugar – mostly chocolate – to comfort them.)

MAY: Man, what if Tetei-sama doesn't know what he's doing?

SHELLY: (practically pouncing on May) OF COURSE TETEI KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!!!

MAY: Sorry! Sorry!! (looks really worried) I won't say it again! I promise!

SHELLY: (going back to her normal state) Damn right you won't.

CHRISSY: I wonder what they're gonna do?

MAY: Probably try to revive her with certain things like smelling salts, adrenaline and such.

SHELLY: (shudders) Ick… needles…

CHRISSY: Ooh, I don't think Kelly will let them use needles on her, even if she is unconscious.

MAY: Yeah, I think she's right.

SHELLY: (giggling) Her veins would probably constrict like mine do. They wouldn't be able to get past her flailing arms!

(They all giggle for a moment.)

MAY: Wait a minute… Have you guys thought of everything we've tried to revive her with when she sleeps in? Nothing works, right?

SHELLY: Yeah… what's your point?

CHRISSY: Wait! I think I know what you're talking about! Nothing would wake her except loud music or…

ALL THREE: Ewan!!

(The three of them go dashing off in search of Ewan to revive Kelly. Hopefully they'll find him before Lauren does.)