INTERMISSION (3)
Following May, Shelly, and Chrissy around the stage…
SHELLY: Where'd he get to so fast?
CHRISSY: What do Scotsmen do in their spare time?
MAY: (shrugs)
CHRISSY: (shrugs)
SHELLY: Wait! Her website! She has all the links to every Ewan website and info page in the world… including a German one. It should say what he likes to do on one of those, right?
MAY: (whips out a computer that folds into pocket size and unfolds into a full sized PC and begins typing) Alrighty… where would she keep the links?
CHRISSY: (staring in awe at computer) Where'd you get that? I want one!!
SHELLY: Radio Shack? Ah, well. Just search the site.
MAY: (type, type, typety-type) It says that he loves acting… and playing soccer!
SHELLY: Quick! To the soccer field behind the school! … And take the Shakespeare-mobile!
MAY and CHRISSY: …… The what?!
SHELLY: The… Shakespeare… Nevermind. Let's just go.
(Zappy old Batman TV show theme plays in background and after a brightly colored special effect, they appear behind the high school. Ewan is kicking a soccer ball back and forth and finally into the goal at the end of the empty field.)
MAY: (running toward the field) Ewan! We need you right now!
EWAN: (kicking the ball again, but as May runs down he's about to kick hard… ends up falling over backwards into the mud… still in his Ophelia costume) Shite!
MAY: Sorry… Um, we've got a bit of a problem.
CHRISSY: Kelly's gone into a sort of coma thing and no one can wake her.
EWAN: (getting up) What does that have to do with me?
SHELLY: She loves you! If chocolate won't wake her up, you can! All we ask is that you step into the room, wave your hand under her nose so she gets the scent, and then everything should be peachy keen!
EWAN: Peachy keen?
SHELLY: (blush)
EWAN: So, is that all I have to do?
MAY, CHRISSY, and SHELLY: (nod in unison)
EWAN: Fine, I'll do it.
SHELLY: Great! To the Bishie Infirmary!
(Same thing happens all over again with the music and flashy colors and they all get to the Infirmary to find Tetei and Zadei unconscious.)
SHELLY: (screaming and flying to their sides) Tetei-sama! Zadei-san! What happened to you?!
RANDOM BISHIE: They tried needles on her.
MAY: _ Ooooooh.
CHRISSY: _ Iiiiiick.
SHELLY: _
EWAN: O_O (gulp)
SHELLY: Well, off we go then. (pushes through the door)
EWAN: (being shoved by May and Chrissy following behind) Are you sure I shouldn't be worried?
MAY: Yes… we think.
KELLY: (lays motionless on the operating table)
CHRISSY: OK, Ewan. Work your magic.
EWAN: (inches up and holds hand under nose in anticipation…… nothing happens) I thought she was supposed to wake up or something.
SHELLY: (disappointedly) So did we.
MAY: What's wrong with her?? If he doesn't work we have no more options!!!
CHRISSY: Just a thought, but maybe Ewan should sing 'Come What May' before we lose all hope?
MAY and SHELLY: Great idea! Sing, Ewan! Sing!
EWAN: Er… OK. Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you till the end of time
Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
SHELLY: (melts with little hearts for eyes)
KELLY: (twitches, but doesn't wake)
MAY: Damn! Well, it's our last resort… we have to…
SHELLY: (rematerializing from the puddle she became after hearing Ewan sing) You don't mean…
MAY: Yup. We have to.
CHRISSY: What? What?
MAY: We have to… (gulp) venture into her mind itself.
CHRISSY: Oh my God, no! I'm not going in there!
SHELLY: We have to. It's the only way.
CHRISSY: (looking worried)
MAY: (whipping out camping/mountaineering packs and handing them to Shelly and Chrissy) Put these on and get out flashlights and ropes. This trek is gonna be long and hard…
SHELLY and CHRISSY: (do as she says)
CHRISSY: Are you absolutely sure about this?
MAY: (nods)
CHRISSY: …OK…
EWAN: Do I have to go?
MAY: (glances at Shelly)
CHRISSY: (glances at May)
SHELLY: (glances at Chrissy)
ALL THREE: That's a great idea! (toss him a pack)
EWAN: (catching the pack) I shouldn't have said anything.
MAY: Shelly, you need to revive Tetei so he can open up her head for us.
SHELLY: Oki! (totters out with pack swaying behind her, comes back in with sleeping Tetei in arms, places him in chair and begins plucking his feathers one by one)
TETEI: (twitching with each pluck, suddenly sits up and shouts) NOO!! NOT MY WINGS!!
SHELLY: You're awake!! (claps) Can you help us get in her head? (points to Kelly)
TETEI: (shudders) No way! I'm not touching her! She threw me across the room!
MAY: You don't have to go with us.
TETEI: Oh, alright then. (immediately goes to work)
(Sooner than anyone thought, Kelly's head is open and May, Shelly, Ewan and Chrissy are all staring into the vast darkness of her mind. A swift wind blows through and they all shudder. They sit her up and all get on top of a table above her, drop in their ropes, plug their noses, say their prayers, and take a flying leap.)
TETEI: Good luck… you'll need it.
Bill & Ted… or rather Alex & Dave…
(Phone booth materializes in the middle of a heavily wooded area and the boys step out cautiously.)
DAVE: Where are we now, Captain?
ALEX: (glances in phone book) Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Another comedy, but it's supposed to be a very silly one. Six guys put together the story of King Arthur's crusade by playing every character they run into. It's said to be comic genius and men everywhere think it's brilliant. Kelly sure seemed to enjoy it.
DAVE: Hey… I've heard of them. Aren't they really crazy?
ALEX: Some people thought so.
KING ARTHUR: (prancing around with a man behind him banging coconuts together) Halt, who goes there?
ALEX: (turns around to see Arthur) Uh… I am Sir Alexander and this is Sir David. We come from a far away land in search of… uh…
DAVE: The Grail?
ALEX: (violently signaling to not say anything)
ARTHUR: Well, then. You may join my knights at the round table. I am Arthur, King of the Britains and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.
DAVE: Patsy? But that's a g—
ALEX: Yes sir! We'd love to join you in your quest!
ARTHUR: Right, then off into the wood we ride!
PATSY: (begins banging the coconuts together again like galloping hooves)
ALEX and DAVE: (prancing like Arthur trying to fit in, leaving the booth behind)
(They all ride through the woods and eventually end up before a large man dressed all in black with a big beard and horns. He is surrounded by smaller men all in the same dress as he is.)
KNIGHT: (in high pitched voice) Ni! Ni! Ni!
SMALLER KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR: Who are you?
KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say Ni!
ARTHUR: Oh no! Not the Knights Who Say Ni! (cowers)
KNIGHT: The same.
ALEX: (to Dave) Who are the Knights Who Say Ni??
DAVE: Uh… them?
KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Newob.
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the Enchanter who lives beyond these woods—
KNIGHT: Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR: Ow!! Ow! (he and Patsy cringe in fright)
KNIGHT: We shall say Ni again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR: What is it you want?
KNIGHT: We want… a SHRUBBERY!
(dramatic high-pitched violin music)
ARTHUR, ALEX and DAVE: A what?
KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR: (cringes again)
ALEX and DAVE: (share confused glances)
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
KNIGHT: You will return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood… alive.
ARTHUR: Oh Knights of Ni, you are just and fair and we will return with the shrubbery.
KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
ARTHUR: Yes.
KNIGHT: Now… GO!!
(They all ride off to find a shrubbery, returning soon and placing it before the Knights of Ni.)
ARTHUR: Oh Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
KNIGHT: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
STRAY KNIGHT: Ni! (other knights shush him)
KNIGHT: We are now the Knights Who Say… Ecky ecky ecky ecky putang zoo boing… (mumbles the rest incoherently)
STRAY KNIGHT: Ni!
KNIGHT: Therefore we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test oh Knights of… Knights Who Until Recently Said Ni?
KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find… ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!
(dramatic violins again)
ARTHUR: (getting annoyed) Not another shrubbery!
KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery… only slightly higher so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
SMALLER KNIGHTS: A path! A path!
KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest… wi~~th… A HERRING! (holds up dead fish)
(dramatic music starts, but fades out in annoyance)
ARTHUR: You can't be serious!
ALEX: This is just stupid.
DAVE: Sad.
ALEX: Let's go.
(Alex and Dave go back out of the forest the way they came in and end up on a grassy plain before a great castle.)
DAVE: Uh… (looks around) I thought we left the booth around here…
ALEX: No… there was no castle where we left it…
DAVE: Should I worry?
ALEX: Yes. Hmm… Let's start looking, then.
