INTERMISSION (4)

In the scary place…

(May, Shelly, Chrissy, and Ewan land – finally – on the floor of the cavernous echo chamber… AKA Kelly's mind. The group of them looked like a battalion of militia from an army movie like 'Black Hawk Down.' Their flashlights were out and on, and they had heavy-duty water guns out.)

EWAN: Now, I know I've had combat training and all, but why do we have water pistols?

MAY: Um… long story. Let's just say that you've seen how Kelly works and read her scripts, right? It's pretty twisted sometimes, gets really silly, and can go just a little too far. Well, these are for those things in her head that might come after us… you know, the scary stuff and the really, really twisted things of her imagination and memory.

EWAN: And water's gonna help us? That's what's gonna fight them off?? Are you mad?!

SHELLY: Shh. Do you hear that?

(All go silent. They hear a small rumble coming from down one of the tunnels that gets louder and louder. The ground below them starts to shake and a large dark cloud full of all the scary things Kelly had ever seen. May, Shelly, and Chrissy all begin squirting their water guns at the scary beings. As each being is hit with water, they scream in pain and vanish with a *poof*!)

EWAN: Ah, I see now! (begins squirting like mad)

CHRISSY: It's a bit like holy water. (squirt, squirt, squirt)

SHELLY: (squirt, squirt, squirt) Yeah, but it works much better!

(All demon-like things are 'killed' and they all rest.)

SHELLY: Right, now which tunnel do we follow?

MAY: (whips out flashlight, turns it on, and opens a map)

CHRISSY: Hey! Where'd you get that?

MAY: Right there. (points to a shelving unit that has a sign above it reading 'Tourist Info')

SHELLY: (shrugging) Who knew?

EWAN: Does that mean that visitors actually come here often??

OTHERS: (shrug)

MAY: Let's go down this hall here. It says on the map to follow any tunnel that is marked with blue or purple, but I don't know exactly why.

CHRISSY: (staring at a tunnel behind her with a river of steaming, smelly, glowing green-yellow goo flowing out of it) I think it's a good idea. This one looks icky.

SHELLY: (looks at top of tunnel that Chrissy is staring at and lights up the sign with her flashlight) It says that it leads to her cleaning and organization skills and other such things. I'm guessing by the goo that Kelly hasn't visited it in a VERY long time.

CHRISSY: (holding her nose) I think that's the right assumption. ICK!

SHELLY: Well what's the tunnel you want us to go down?

MAY: (holds her flashlight up to the sign above the tunnel) Oh, boy. Her movie/music/TV fact storage area that links up with her creativity lounge. Should I look for another tunnel?

CHRISSY: Nah. I've always wondered where Kelly gets her ideas from anyway. Let's see how her mind really works.

EWAN: I'm not sure I really wanna do that. I mean, what if it's a lot worse than you thought?

SHELLY: We've been around her for a while now. I think we know just what to expect by now.

EWAN: I hope you're right.

CHRISSY: If it makes anyone feel any better, this tunnel looks more modern and well kept than anything around here. (silence) OK, so it doesn't make anyone feel better. Are you as scared as I am?

(All nod)

SHELLY: Right. Onward and upward. Keep your water guns and facemasks at the ready at all times… just in case.

(They begin to hike down the tunnel following brightly lit blue arrows pointing towards their destination. They stay as quiet as possible and can hear various whispers and wisps of music drift past them. Some are recognizable. Others – the older and more forgotten – are less audible.)

RANDOM VOICE: Hey Sanka, ya dead?

RANDOM VOICE 2: Ya man.

CHRISSY: Hey! I recognize that! That's a quote from 'Cool Runnings!'

MAY: And I guess it's attached to the floating name there. (points to floating name Doug E. Doug)

CHRISSY: Yup. He played Sanka.

SHELLY: Must be how she files things. Attaches quotes and songs to movies and actors and stuff.

EWAN: Yeah… (stares at words passing him by – 'Blue Juice' – one of the movies he was in… the words are decked out in socks) But why are there socks on that one?

SHELLY: (glances at title and giggles) I remember that one! She showed us that one day when we wanted to go on a Ewan binge and we were all suddenly surprised by the appearance of the main character in only a sock. You don't remember that from filming?

EWAN: I guess I pushed it out of my mind…

CHRISSY: I heard about that!

MAY: We'll never forget it, will we? Not with Chibi Legolas running around collecting socks from everywhere.

SHELLY: (smirk)

MAY: Hey, look! Here comes Eddie Izzard! (points to name)

NAME: (shouting in British accent) What's an elephant? It's an upside-down squirrel, sir! Run that by me again? An upside-down squirrel! (sings) If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid!

MAY: (suddenly on the floor rolling with laughter) HAHAHAHA!!

SHELLY: (giggling at May)

CHRISSY: (pointing up ahead) Do you guys see that light up ahead?

(All glance forward as May pulls herself together. They see a brightly lit green room at the end of the tunnel. They hurry towards it with their pistols ready in anticipation. Reaching it, they notice huge television/computer-like screens with categories and random information on them.)

EWAN: Wow. You'd think she studied this stuff for an exam or something.

MAY: If only she used that skill for studying math or history.

SHELLY: (steps cautiously towards a large keyboard below a screen and types in EWAN McGREGOR) WOW!! Look at that!

(Screen produces a big picture and a large list of all movies he's ever been in – including some TV spots – and marks all she's seen and has yet to see. It even gives a detailed list of who else was in the movie/show with him.)

EWAN: My God… she's practically stalking me.

MAY: I think you're safe. It's only media stalking. If she shows up at your house with a dozen white roses… that's when you should slap a restraining order on her.

EWAN: Right…

SHELLY: (looking impressed with the computer) You can even select some of the names of the costars to check out what else they've been in that she's seen. This is really neat!

MAY: What do you want to bet that if we go to Kelly's mathematical mind it won't be nearly this high-tech?

CHRISSY: Let's not. I don't wanna enter a rundown place that could be crawling with who-knows-what.

(Everything goes silent for a moment as they fiddle with the computers. Ewan looks up as he hears faint music drifting down the hall opposite the one they entered through. It sounds vaguely familiar to him and he follows it without anyone noticing. May, Shelly, and Chrissy are all typing in certain titles, names of actors, and songs to see what they can come up with… when a bloodcurdling girlish scream pierces the silence from down the corridor. They all turn to see that Ewan is missing and whip out their BIG water guns and follow the scream. The enter a big, bright red room with tassels, Indian motifs, and a huge lit sign reading…)

SHELLY: (screaming with delight) Moulin Rouge!!

MAY: (looking around in awe) Oh… My… God…

CHRISSY: (also in awe and utter shock) Holy cripes.

EWAN: (whimpering) The entire room… dedicated… to the Moulin Rouge…

MAY: Can you hear that?

('Come What May Finale' playing in background. Little actors and actresses that look similar to the real cast are acting it all out on a giant stage. Only one actor looks the way they would normally – Ewan, of course. Besides the stage scene, everything around the room is dedicated to how Ewan looked and acted in that particular movie. Huge posters line the walls and chibis of him run everywhere. There are also big signs saying TRUTH, BEAUTY, FREEDOM, and LOVE as well as every title of every song in the movie.)

EWAN: (watching a chibi of himself run past) Christ…

MAY: (looking concernedly at him) I think we should get him out of this room. It's too much of a shock to any system.

CHRISSY: I agree.

SHELLY: I wanna stay! I like it here!

MAY, CHRISSY, and EWAN: No! We're LEAVING!

SHELLY: (being dragged by the rest of them begins whimpering) I wanna stay with the Chibi Ewans! Waaaaaah!